Bug & Gracie

I woke with a start, drenched in sweat with adrenaline coursing through my veins. I spilled out of bed before racing to the bathroom to puke my guts out. No matter how many nights I saw the same face in my nightmares, I’d never get used to it. I’d never get used to feeling his clammy hands all over me as his hot breath blew across the tears streaming down my cheeks. Or the way he licked his lips in anticipation and watched me with those crazed eyes that told me he thought I actually enjoyed this.

As if I enjoyed him taking me when I said no.

Another round of vomiting racked through me at the lingering feeling of his tongue shoved down my throat. My chest heaved and I wiped the sweat from my brow as I sat back, leaning against the cool tile walls. I had to get him out of my head. I couldn’t stand much more of this.

I waited for the room to stop spinning as my head pounded right behind my eyes. I sucked in small breaths at first until the sick feeling in my stomach subsided, then I sucked in the deepest breath I could. I knew what would make me feel better, ground me back into reality, but I really didn’t want to go there again.

My hands trembled as I fought the urge to reach for the drawer next to my sink. A sob slipped out and more tears spilled over as I thought about giving in. I couldn’t let him take that away from me too. I’d worked so hard to come back from it. I’d put my family through too much already and didn’t want to slip back into something which would cause them pain. Not again.

Clutching at my chest, I pushed off the ground and headed back to bed. I doubt I’d be getting anymore sleep tonight, but I couldn’t stand to be in this bathroom another second. Not with the dark and tempting thoughts racing through my head.

Snuggling deep, I pulled the blankets up to my chin and tried to concentrate on the work cut out for me tomorrow. It might be the weekend, but I’d promised to help with the coat drive at the community center in my parent’s neighborhood, and I couldn’t let them down.

I couldn’t let myself down.

Lately it was one of the few things that took my mind off of everything. Helping others seemed to calm the raging chaos storming inside the rest of the time, so I knew I had to focus on that for now. If I could just get through the next couple of hours, I could pull myself together. I knew I could.

Sighing, I flung the covers back. There was no use sitting in the dark in a bed I’d only use to cushion my tush as I fell headlong into despair. Instead, I shoved my legs through a pair of leggings and pulled a long sleeved T-shirt over my head. An early morning run sounded far better than moping around in bed. Even if it was closer to the middle of the night.

Slipping out of the front door of my parent’s house wasn’t that hard. I’d done it all the time as an early teenager and smiled at the fond memories. I was always with Grayson, my childhood best friend, so it wasn’t like it was a big deal. We were inseparable back then, and if we weren’t getting into some sort of benign mischief, we were racing to the top of Plat hill. It was deemed our “secret spot” and everyone knew not to bother us there.

I blew out another sigh as I stretched my cold muscles. Thinking about Grayson sometimes hurt. I had so many great memories with him, but I couldn’t see the end hurtling toward us until it was too late. His words that day had shocked me, both his ill-timed confession and the fact he was moving away. I didn’t even have time to process everything before there was an empty hole in my aching heart. We’d practically grown up together and never left each other’s side, until one day he was just gone.

Everything after that day had been an utter disaster. It was just one thing after another as my life drove off a cliff on its own. Although I’d been swiftly corrected several times I was the one driving.

I shook my head before sprinting off down the street. Like I said, thinking about Grayson sometimes hurt, but at least it was better than thinking about him. I couldn’t even bring myself to think his name without my stomach rolling.

After a couple of blocks, I pushed myself into a full out run. There was no point in holding back. I wasn’t out here to smell the roses, I was out here to push my body to its limits. That was the only way to get my mind off of the absolute nightmare my life had become.

The sun barely peeked over the horizon by the time I made it back to the house. As promised, my body was thoroughly wrecked, but my mind mostly clear as I slipped back inside; only to find my mother in her pink bathrobe ready to greet me. With her arms crossed and her foot tapping, I winced at the worried scowl plastered across her face.

“Eliza Jayce Mascott! Where have you been?” My mother’s voice might not have been raised, but it cut to the bone.

I winced and tugged my running shoes off before I answered. “I just went out for a run.”

“At three in the morning?” Her tone climbed and I knew I was in for it. “You do realize you already have plans today? If you pass out on me in front of the entire neighborhood—” she left the threat hanging.

I took that opportunity to reassure her. “I know. I didn’t forget, and I won’t. I promise. I just needed to clear my head. I swear I didn’t push that much. Just a nice leisurely jog through the neighborhood.” I tried smiling, but her face told me she didn’t believe me.

“I know things have been rough lately. I’m here if you need to talk, but if you don’t feel comfortable we can always call that therapist—”

I cut her off with a shake of my head before she could finish. “I’m fine, Mom. All good.” I inched my way toward the stairs. The last thing I needed was to talk about what was going on. With anyone. “Let me just shower really quick, and I’ll come down for some hearty breakfast before we skip to the community center together. Sound good?” I didn’t wait for her response. “Thanks, Mom, bye!” I threw over my shoulder as I raced up the stairs and back into my room before she could say anything else.

She had enough on her plate without having to worry about me. She’d been through hell with me and practically pulled me through it with sheer willpower and soup. I didn’t need to put her through it all over again because of my stupidity.

I sighed and thumped my head softly against my closed door as I pressed my back against it. At least today couldn’t get any worse.

*************

Sitting at the end of a long line of tables, it was my job to file the paperwork, keeping a log of who dropped what off and how many. Something about tax records and what not, but at least it was mind numbing stuff, and I didn’t have to interact much with the many people who came out to help the needy. As much as I loved helping out, I just wasn’t ready to plaster a fake smile on my face for hours at a time and listen to the masses as they dropped off their unwanted coats. I loved we made a difference, but some people just weren’t my cup of tea.

More and more people milled about, and a group of girls around my age caught my attention as they giggled over a group of guys about the same age who had just walked in. My eyes followed them as fear settled into the pit of my stomach. Would he be one of them? I blew out the breath I’d been holding when none of the guys turned out to be the one I feared most, and I went back to my task.

I tried to let the mind numbing task once again consume my thoughts, but this time there were just too many people around and I couldn’t focus.

“Eliza! Do you have those filed yet? You need to pick up the pace otherwise you’ll get behind.” My mother walked over with her eyes narrowed and her hands on her hips.

“No worries, I’ve got them. Here’s the first set.” I handed a small box to her, and she walked off grumbling.

As I went back to the rest of the papers in front of me, I felt someone approach before they lightly tapped on the table in front of me. Just from the masculine hands, I could tell it was a man.

“How can I help you, sir?” I asked before I looked up to see one of the guys from the group standing there. His dirty blond hair hung just above his eyes and he wore a crooked smile that any other girl would probably swoon over. “If you need to drop off a coat, the line starts over there.” I tried my best to paste a pleasant smile on as I pointed at the opposite end of the tables.

He didn’t move. “I’m not here to drop off a coat. I thought I’d keep you company since you seemed lonely over here all by yourself.” He responded with a mischievous twinkle in his eyes.

I knew that look. I’d seen it enough on other play boys and swooned over it myself before I knew what it meant. I hated guys like him who thought a few sweet words would make their audacity any easier to swallow.

“I appreciate the thought, but as you can see, we’re quite busy at the moment. If I don’t get my work done, they won’t let me help anymore.”

“We can’t have that, now can we?” His words grated on my nerves, but there was something about his face that seemed familiar.

“Eliza! What’s the hold up?” My mother came back around with her hands still on her hips. At least until she noticed the guy across from me. “Oh my goodness! Grayson? Is that you?” Her high pitched squeal shot pain through my ears. I plugged them as fast as possible, while my mother rushed around the other side of the table. “How are you? How’s your family doing? It’s been so long since we’ve seen you! What has it been? Like ten years? Look at how much you’ve grown! I hardly recognized you!” She gushed with a huge smile on her face.

“It feels like way longer, but it’s closer to seven,” the guy responded, but his eyes darted to me.

I froze in shock. Adrenaline shot through my veins as our gazes locked and I stumbled back a step. Unfortunately, instead of running like I wanted, my foot caught on a box full of paper and I tumbled to the ground.

“Eliza? What’s the matter with you?” I barely heard my mother ask over the laughter from the guy next to her. Could he really be Grayson?

“Nothing. I just need to use the restroom.” I threw over my shoulder as I pushed off the ground and rushed that way as fast as possible.

“Be careful, Bug. I wouldn’t want you to hurt that pretty little face of yours if you tripped again.”

No. It wasn’t possible. It couldn’t be. That could not be the nerdy little boy I spent most of my time with growing up.

I pushed the bathroom door open to find a group of girls giggling at themselves through the mirrors as I raced for the stall furthest from the door. Slamming the stall shut, I barely registered the laughter of the girls at my antics before my stomach rolled and I swallowed my breakfast back down. I could not puke in a place like this. I’d never hear the end of it if my mother found out. Not to mention how worried she’d be I might have developed an eating disorder on top of the rest of my issues.

I sucked in quick breaths as I focused on not being nauseous, but the girl’s conversation floated back to me.

“Did you see that new guy? He’s so hot!”

“I heard he works down at Jerry’s auto shop as a mechanic with Mason.”

“I wonder if he’ll give me his number?”

The girls all cackled at that and I had to press my palms over my ears to keep from hearing anymore. I couldn’t handle today. First the nightmare, then my mother, now I had to deal with hot Grayson calling me by that ridiculous pet name of his. It was funny when we were ten and we raced to see how many different bugs we could pick up. I won of course, and he started calling me “Bug Girl” until he shortened it to just “Bug.”

No. I shouldn’t be thinking about the past. I needed to forget it and move on. We’d changed so much since the last time I’d seen him at the age of fifteen. Apparently he’d changed more than enough that I didn’t even recognize him. We were different people now, and the way he looked and acted just proved that.

The girl’s loud laughter faded, and I dropped my hands from my ears only to grip at my chest. My head spun and I swallowed hard as I forced myself to stand and head to the sink to splash some cold water on my face.

I knew I’d have to go back out there and face both him and my mother, especially before she started worrying. I just didn’t know how.