Acceptance
“Are you serious? You didn’t see it right fucking there? You’re such a dummy.” My mom said to me for knocking over the cup she left on the ground. I was 12 and I needed glasses. But it’s not like it mattered to her. It is quite dumb of me for even insinuating that anything about me mattered to anyone.
“Do you see this? You’re so stupid. You have ONE job in this house and you can’t even do it right.” My mom said as she held me to a wall and shoved my report card into my face. I had severe depression and had been raising my two little brothers as well as keeping the house intact. It was stupid of me to believe that any one cared about my struggle.
“You’re so annoying, we’re not friends you just get on my nerves.” My only friend since kindergarten said to me in middle school. I guess I only mattered when she had no one. Now they’re all together and it’s like I never existed. It was annoying of me to bother her anyway.
“You’re such a tease. You’re so immature I don’t know why I expected more from you.” My boyfriend said to me on facetime. We hung out that day and I wouldn’t have sex with him in public. It was immature of me to not be ready for it, I shouldn’t have gave him blueballs as a 14 year old girl.
“I have to beg your dad to come get you and to see you. He doesn’t do shit. You see I’m not in the wrong right?” My mom said as she cussed out my dad and called him all types of names in front of me. I’m too immature to understand what she’s talking about anyway. I was just a little girl who wanted to get away from her mom. I just wanted my dad.
“You think you need therapy? What bills do you pay and what job do you have?” My mom said with humor as I told her I needed therapy. The night before that I stared at a bottle of pills and debated whether or not I should take my life for the sake of my own freedom. It was stupid of me to even suggest that when I have never really struggled in the first place.
“Ew you’re dating her? I can play connect the dots with her forehead.” My classmates said once I revealed that I was dating a guy. The same guy laughed with them at the joke. I don’t even remember how I reacted honestly, I guess I blocked it out of my mind. It was stupid of me to believe that I was actually valued.
“You think you’re skinny? Because your not.” My mom said while smiling. That day I was wearing a bikini before going swimming and I thiught it would be nice to help her with the groceries. I had felt confident that day. I’m glad she reminded me that my body will never be beautiful enough to be seen.
“What’s that on your face?” A kid said to me while I was working. I didn’t respond, only smiled at him. I can’t yell at a kid can I? I already get stared ar everywhere I go now that I am no longer wearing beanies. It was dumb of me to think I could hide forever.
“If your face getting fatter? It’s getting fuller I can see it. You keep gaining more weight.” My aunt said after I called her to tell her about how much money I made in my own. It was stupid of me to think my accomplishments hold relevence. I really should eat less.
Over the years I began to understand. I crave validation, genuine heartfelt love, and attention. Maybe everyone was right. Every where I look there will never be an escape from the shadows that follow me. No matter how far I move, who I talk to, or what personality I decide to take on today, I will still always be the ugly, immature, dumb, annoying, stupid girl.
