Never Look At Him

I loosened the tie around my neck, took off my jacket and threw it in a corner. Letting go of all the burdens, all the responsibilities that were weighing me down like a mountain, I closed my eyes. As putting my fingers in the holes, I checked the weight and caressed the smooth surface, determinedly waiting with my eyes closed until I was sure I could do it. I listened to the ticking of the clock, took a deep breath and swung the bowling ball.

Knowing from the way the ball went that I had succeeded, I turned around and spread my arms wide and listened to the sound of all the pins falling. I was dizzy with the cheers of the crowd and the joyful sound of the party I had been away from for so long. Cold bottles of beer, dry whiskey without ice, shots of tequila, the handsome waiter collecting empties and bringing new ones... I felt like I was back in my college years again, in a large group of people I had just met and knew nothing about. No stress, just drinking and dancing, karaoke and lots of peeing.

" I haven’t seen you here before.” I smiled at the handsome waiter and grabbed one of the alcohols on the tray. “Do you know everyone who comes here, baby?” I sipped the cold cocktail, it was quite strong and burned my stomach a lot. I smiled past the waiter’s classic reply that he would never forget me if he saw me before and mingled with the dancing crowd. Although I witnessed a few people exchanging candies, all my values and judgments were in the trash can. My profession, my identity and more. For one night, I was away from everything about myself.

I was dizzy and the lights that kept changing color and spinning made it worse. I danced with a man, mostly without even feeling his touch. I was at the biggest and, I think, the most expensive club in the city on a night where I would spend my entire salary. There was no front and no back, the future and the past had vanished.

When I decided I had had enough free time, I was coming out of the restroom. The woman vomiting in the next stall almost made me vomit too. I splashed the cold water on my face a few times to regain consciousness. I ended the party by declining the invitations of a couple of men I was interested in. I didn’t have enough time for them. Even though the girls, whose names I didn’t know but with whom I had spent the whole night, offered me a ride home, I left the place alone. I never saw my jacket again, soaked with alcohol, maybe vomit, I remembered that a woman had sat on it last time. My wallet was in it but it didn’t matter, I had paid from my phone.

The cold Ankara frost seeped into my sweat soaked shirt, I straightened my tie and tucked my fingertips into the pockets of my trousers. My high heels were hurting my feet, I click clacked down the sidewalk. With each step, the things I had thrown away came back one by one, slowly erasing my drunken joy.

I watched the drunks laughing as they got into taxis, the potbellied tycoons riding in their luxury cars with model girls. At this time of night, the city was not crowded except for the nightclubs. Even the homeless would find places to hide in this cold weather. But the lights never went out, the lights of the flashy buildings were always shining.

When I found my car keys in my pocket, I was glad I didn’t have to go back to the venue. I had parked in an alley, in a deserted and quiet place, away from both the venue and the eyes. I wasn’t going home, no one would find me here for a while, I thought. Maybe some junkies who wanted to be out of sight while shopping.

I noticed some cars slowing down or even stopping and saying something as they passed me, but I ignored them and kept walking. I walked until the lights disappeared and there were only yellow street lamps. My little toe was definitely blistered, I was not made for high heels. But this was an important day, I had dressed up, combed and styled my hair and had a great manicure for the opportunity I had waited years for.

It was all for nothing, everything I had chased for five years. I had given them a big window to see through, but they smashed it and left shards in my palms. That was it, they wanted me to be satisfied with that. It wasn't enough, it would never be enough.

All my responsibilities and problems crushed my shoulders and hunched me as I got into my car. I opened the glove compartment, threw my silent phone into the back seat. The cold metal of the gun that had been in my possession for years bit my fingers, its weight was not as heavy as my head. The click as I unlocked the safety lock... There was nothing I could do in this world where money is the basis of justice. So I put the barrel of the gun to my temple, without hesitation, confident that I would have no regrets, pressed the trigger.