Chapter 1
Let me take you on a journey back in time to when we were just kids. How many years you go back is totally irrelevant, just go back, yeah?
So, as I was saying, let's go back to when you played with dolls and trucks, climbed trees and made mud pies. I'm sure you all remember playing hide and seek and tag.
Little boys played cowboys and Indians, shooting everything they deemed to be the bad guys. And little girls played dress up in hopes of being a beautiful princess someday.
We would hide and jump out at someone scaring the piss out of them. Skim rocks on the water, shoot people in the face with BB guns. Okay maybe not everyone did that one.
But you get the idea. Back when we were innocent little lambs, (you can add an eye roll right about there).
Everything our parents said was the Golden Rule, the law, the final do or die. Everything they said was right. Right?
Do you remember the rules of the dirty words? You either got smacked in the mouth, had a bar of soap for dinner or they just beat the living hell out of you, for saying a dirty word. Ah Memories.
They were constantly saying “Don’t say that” “That’s an ugly word” “Say it again, I dare you!”. You learned real quick to never take a dare from your parents, it didn’t end well.
And yet, with all the yelling, preaching and ass whoopings, they cussed like a sailor at sea, it would just run out of their mouths like a ruptured water main.
Okay, so typically kids never listen to anything their parents say, they are just wired that way, EXCEPT, when they said a dirty word, then they are all ears, and if they could say it, you could too, right?
On a side note. All you parents that came down on us kids for using dirty words, WE LEARNED IT FROM YOU!
But I digress.
Let’s pick up them good old boys Merriam and Webster and see what they have to say about the whole debacle shall we?
ASS- An animal of the horse family, typically smaller than a horse, has longer ears and makes a braying sound.
Okay, so exactly how is calling someone an ass a dirty word? You’re calling them an animal, much like saying you look like a monkey or you smell like a dog.
And let’s not forget that Joseph led Mary into Bethlehem on an ass and later on, Jesus Christ himself rode an ass. But to not insult someone over the years the ass has become a donkey, go figure. (a little eye roll there). So, I don’t consider Ass to be a dirty word seeing how it is in the bible. So we can strike that one off.
ASSHOLE- Stupid and annoying, detestable. Referring to the least attractive part or area. Part or area of what? Town? Neighborhood?
Really? The ass? Come on, give the animal a break, sheesh!
BASTARD - Now this one is a lulu! It has so many different meanings, how could you possibly work it in as a dirty word?
Illegitimate child, irregular or inferior, ill-conceived origin, abnormal shape or size, fake and calling someone a Bastard can be hurtful, but only to those that feel that that is what they are. No child is a bastard, they are all beloved.
BELL END - Okay, for those of you not savvy with the Brit tongue, I mean language, them folks have some real kickers. So, an annoying person a foolish person, the glans of the penis.
"Whoa! Hold up! Okay, we need to delve a little deeper into this one. The glans? Oh, the head! So the equivalent to a dick-head. Dirty? Only if it's been recently used! HA! I kill myself!
BITCH- (Okay with the animals again.) A female dog, wolf, fox or otter. Ooo, you calling me a dog? I’m shaking in my boots. I happen to like dogs, thank you!
BOLLOCKS- Okay, now this one is rather odd, it has so many meanings, I guess it just depends on how you use it. Balls, okay Testicles to be more proper. Nothing dirty there, all guys have them. Rubbish, poor quality or useless. Spoiling something by making mistakes.
Okay, I’m not the brightest bulb in the pack, but I just don’t see it.
CUNT- A woman’s genitals. I don’t think the ones with the bollocks would have an issue with this one. Can describe an unpleasant person or stupid person (only if they smell like tuna) Okay, gross.
COCK-Okay, everybody knows this one, A male bird, especially a rooster. Who the hell came up with that one?
COCK SQUAT - Now I bet nobody has heard of this one, The old boys Merriam and Webster say it means to claim a cock that doesn't belong to you. They use the example of dogs pissing on shit to mark their territory, not seeing the connection there. But! But a woman that claims the penetrating cock to become her property, preventing another woman from catching a ride. Oh my head. Me, I was raised with it meaning a man with a cock that squats to piss like a bitch because he ain't a man, can't take care of his business. Now I have a headache!
DAMN- To be condemned. Just not getting it.
DICK- (an ex-president) A slang for detective, gumshoe, investigator and Sherlock. Now some of them guys might be a little dirty.
DOUCHE BAG - Someone who is unpleasant, obnoxious, disgusting OR a bag used for giving douches. Hmm. Do we really want to explore that one any more?
FAGGOT- A bundle of sticks tied together as fuel to start a fire. Or a gay man. Really? I’d be tickled to have a faggot close by when my fire goes out.
FUCK- To have sex or sex with someone. Now that one can be kinda iffy, it depends on who you say it to. Fuck you-nothing, I want to fuck you- could be interesting.
HELL- Regarded as a spiritual realm of evil. Perpetual fire beneath the earth, where the evil are punished. Scary as ‘hell’ but not dirty. Okay, telling someone to go to hell is kinda rude.
MOTHERFUCKER- A despicable or very unpleasant person AND one that is formidable, remarkable or impressive. Now if that ain’t two faced! Just think, you can knock someone down and praise them at the same time!
But dirty? Nah.
PUSSY- A cat. Or the female partner in sexual intercourse. Well now we’re cooking! Meow! But The only thing I see dirty about a pussy, is when they lick their ass (or the tuna smell). I can hear you now. She did not just say that! Oh yes I did!
SLUT- A woman who has had many casual sexual partners. WELCOME TO THE MODERN WORLD!!!
TWAT- stupid or obnoxious person or female genitals. I have been known to use this one on various occasions. But is it really a dirty word?
WHORE- A prostitute. The next time someone calls you that, cha-ching, that’s gonna be 29.99, plus tax!
Okay, so what made me decide to make the point of dirty words?
Well, my two year old grandson has a habit of saying “Damn it”, so what do I do? I tell him that’s an ugly word and tell him it’s “Darn it”.
Then, one day, I tell the old man to “Shut the hell up!” Along comes my six year old niece, and guess what she said? “Ohh, Ony Ony, you said a dirty word!”
You can’t win, it is a world of hypocrisy.
