To the boy I can never raise
I knew I'd lost the war but still battled on. Everyday felt like death and sometimes I felt like giving up. I didn't know not having you would feel worse than death. The first time I felt you move changed my life for the better but alas that was the last time I felt you. When I was told you were gone I didn't believe it. I didn't give up though the odds were stacked against me. When the confirmation came through my life tore to shreds. I'm sorry I failed you, I would have loved to see you grow into the great man you were meant to be. I remember the day I saw you I was in shock, I couldn't believe you'd grown so much. You were lovely with your perfect little toes and fingers. You looked so small and so fragile I was scared I'd bruise you. It didn't matter that you were gone but I loved you then and I love you now. I know you fought and I'm sorry I failed you. The pain was unbearable but being without you feels like a piece of my soul is missing. I struggle to live each day without you but I know I have to do it for your sister. She would have loved you like I love you till infinity. Unathi my son mommy will always love you.In your memory I'll strive to be the best version of me, I'm going to make you proud.
His reply, 'You didn't fail me, I love you.'
They say time heals all wounds but pain has a way of creeping up on you. Though not constant when it comes it's as intense as the day I lost you. I wonder what you would have looked like, if you took after me or your dad. I wonder about your childhood, the kind of boy you would have grown up to be. I wonder about the type of man you would have become, my imagination has no bounds. People assume by now I should have moved past losing you but how can I when I lost a part of me. My grief doesn't make me weak and I don't mind the pain as it reminds me of you. It doesn't matter that I'll never raise you but I will always love you. You changed me and made me remember who I was meant to be. One day I'll be the best mother you and your sister deserve.
His reply, 'You have to find a way to let me go.'
My reply, 'I can never let you go.'
My immortal 'these wounds don't seem to heal this pain is just too real there's just too much that time cannot erase'
I never want to let you go and I doubt I ever will. Every time I see your sister I try to imagine if you would have behaved the same at that age. Every time I see a child closer to your age I wonder how you would have turned out to be. It hurts trying to imagine all those scenarios knowing fully well you're not here. The pain reminds me to be a better mother, one that's deserving of you. I've always struggled with motherhood I still do but now I strive to always be better at it. I can't have lost you for nothing, God knows why things work out the way they do. All this pain and loss could not have been for nothing. I try to tell myself you were saved from a fate far worse than this or maybe it was so I could fulfil God's plan. All I know is that I wasn't there when God designed my life and will wait to see how it plays out. My faith has taught me that I should love God in good as well as in bad times, seasons change. I'll love you beyond infinity and one day this pain will not cripple me.
