Chapter 1
Picking the envelope and holding it in her hands made its presence suddenly feel tangible and strange. It had just appear there randomly, seemingly out of nowhere because she knew it wasn’t there when she went to the bathroom. She had considered asking to the classmate sitting next to her, but she gave up on the idea pretty quickly. That girl was not the kind to pay attention to what was going on around her and she had already been chatting with her friends sitting in front of them when she went away. She probably saw nothing. And maybe it was for the best, Yeona didn’t want to raise attention. So she sat down, and looked at it for a while. She stared at it as if it could contain all the answers to her worries which was a pretty foolish thought. But for a lack of a better thing to do, or a lack of courage maybe, she continued looking at it for a while before turning around, as discretely as she could, to catch a glimpse of whoever could be watching her at that moment. If it was a prank, and even if it wasn’t, the person who had left that there would be watching her. But she saw nothing and gave up.
Her name was written at the bottom right corner of the envelope which seemed a bit odd to her. It was written in a very messy handwriting as if it had been held in the air, without any support to write on. It was a black, tinny, messy handwriting that had been smudged a bit. And when she finally decided that it was time to open it, when she had finally gathered enough courage, her history teacher came in. She let out a sigh, more of relief than anything, because she knew she wouldn’t have to think about it for a while. And that’s what she needed. The break was finished and she knew she needed to concentrate. Really carefully, she placed it bellow her binder and got her supplies ready to take notes. History was one of her favourite subject and she always looked forward to it. She was really conflicted, though. And the little voice in her head was suggesting to take just a quick look, open it and just see, not even read It yet. And besides the persistent thought, she did not give in to her curiosity that was slowly building up. What was holding her in place was the thought of being seen by her teacher, her reading it aloud, being ridiculed and the person who wrote it too probably. She really didn’t want that. Trying to shake off the distraction, she decided to put the envelope away in her bag and tried not thinking about it at all.
“I feel like all of this is going to be a lot of trouble, it’s not going to end well.”
She did not even know why she felt like this, whatever it meant.
During the day, she did her best to not think about it, but it was of no use. The more she forced herself not to think, the greater her curiosity was. What was written in it? What was it all about? The person, she had hopes, yearning repressed in the deepest corners of her mind and she wished it was her. And it made her fantasize, daydream. She found herself being really absent minded that day, which was not usual for her and it was a stressful situation to deal with. And often during the day, she had to find it in her bag and feel it, touch it. Just to make sure it had not disappeared as mysteriously as it appeared. Yet, despite all that when she finally had the occasion to after being back from school, she threw her bag on her bed and ran to her parents to help for dinner.
“Just take the time to rest if you don’t have any homework, darling. It will be ready soon,” her mom told after a quick hug.
The dogs were out in the fields and it was starting to get darker. It was going to be their sixth autumn at the farm and she was more than excited. The crispiness of the air on her skin in the morning when she was going out for school felt delicious. It made her look forward to the nights getting longer, the days shorter and being the witness of nature trading her usual green for a red dress.
Yeona walked out to the back yard and watched the dogs walk to her. She remembered being still a bit scared of them before her parents decided to adopt two when they moved to the farm. Maybe it would have been a bit harder for any other eleven years old but she knew how important that project was to he parents. It was the project of a life. Multiple even.
Yeona was trying to distract herself, but dinner time did not help. It was usually a moment that was quite peaceful and joyful. She was looking up to it because it was usually one of the most comforting part of her day. Sitting around a warm dinner, with her family while chatting or listening to the radio. But the last few weeks had been heated, the atmosphere tense and heavy. Her mom had suggested putting her brother’s room to rent and since then hey have been arguing. Her brother had moved out a while ago, he was studying at a law school oversea.
“You know how I feel about this! We can’t just erase him from the house! What will we do when comes back for the holidays?” Her dad argued.
“Well, don’t be ridiculous, darling. You know he barely comes home for Christmas. He stays for, what? A week? He hardly ever stays for the New Year. You know he likes his little freedom, and he is doing just fine! We have to be happy for him and that’s it.”
“What about the things he left behind? We can’t just throw away everything, Chiamaka!”
“Oh great heavens, Obinna! The attic! We have an attic! We will just put everything there, oh! And you know we could use another hand at the shop or just in general. Yeona can’t just spend her free time here. She has things to do!”
“Don’t tell me that please, I cant’ think about that”, he cried in a dramatic way, half making fun of himself, half serious.
That reaction made both Yeona and her mom laugh, and the atmosphere was lightened but Yeona didn’t want to bring up what was worrying her, wand they hadn’t notice. Dinner ended sooner than usual, and her parents went to bed soon after. She was used to her parents going to sleep early, they had to get up early for the farm work. So she went to her room, and sighed as she closed her door. Dinner hadn’t helped ease her. And even when she finally lied down, she couldn’t fall asleep. She was just lying on her bed, earphones on, trying to calm the thoughts that were trying to drawn her. Usually doing that helps her a lot. She was the kind to be overwhelmed easily by her thoughts, taking too much in her, consuming and suffocating her slowly. But that night, nothing seemed to help. She knew she couldn’t just continue to ignore her feelings so before she completely losses her mind, she got up and picked up that fucking envelope. She sat back, and taking one of her plushes in her arms, opened it carefully, She took out two sheets of paper covered with with a thin black ink and neat handwriting, contrasting with the messy one on the envelope.
Yeona took a deep breath and started reading the letter.
“My dear Yeona,
Sweet little warm honey flowing on my heart,
I don’t know why I’m writing to you now, so finding a great way to start is not easy. I know it will not help me to feel any better, or at least that’s what I think, because after that I’ll have to live with the fact that now you are aware of my feelings. Honestly, I’m still hesitating. I don’t know if I should even give it to you afterwards. But I think I will. Nothing too bad could happen. I know you’re not the kind of person who would make fun of me or tell anyone and everyone about this. And we don’t even talk anyway. So if you decided to avoid me, nothing would really change. So I am just thinking and deeply hoping that more good than bad could happen.
Who could have imagined that my lack of interest for boy was not because my academic success was more important, but because I am into girls? I tried to rationalize my feelings in every ways possible. I tried to tell myself that it was just the heat of the moment, if we can call it that. Maybe it was that little moment we shared, your kindness, the unmatched sweetness of your voice, your touch. But, even with my lack of experience, I knew I fell in love. And the fact that the person I am now madly in love with is you made it even harder to accept I could have fallen for a “she”. A girl. You.
Seeing you every day at school, always hurts me a bit. Not that I want to see you suffer. But do you ever think of me, too? When you have that lost look, when you seem so far away, in these fantasies you are the master of. I still want to think that I am haunting you in the same way and as much as you are haunting me.
And it’s clear to me that it’s not a little, simple thing. I don’t feel like these feelings could ever fade away and believe me, I tried. Maybe it was just a small crush at the beginning, a”love at first sight” type of thing. But this feelings grew in me and the only way I can find to ease my distress is to share them.
My feelings, I like to see them as a pretty, sweet peach I have to offer you. It’s pink, big and soft.
I believe that all this and the rest of the feelings I could not describe would have been better expressed in person. Because it’s you, I wouldn’t have been afraid. Being able to see your reaction would have been priceless to me. I even had a dream where I was shouting it to you, in front of everyone. And these idiots had started to refer to me as the two-tone-haired madwoman and I don’t care about their stupid thoughts But I don’t really want to think about the consequences that act could have. And it’s just not romantic. I wanted something at the level of your splendour, so here am I, writing this to you, darling. Is it too much to call you that? Please, just let me do it this time.
That night, If I knew it would be our first and last, I would have kissed you longer, held you closer and tighter, told you that I love you."
The letter was signed “J”
Yeona barely dared to look up after she finished reading the letter, she didn’t want to break free from its embrace. She read it twice, her brain shyly digesting each words as she read them again.
Yeona’s heart was filled with a sweet warmth. This feeling was so soothing and somewhat bewitching. She slowly fell back to her initial position and tucked herself to bed, putting the letter under her pillow and holding her plush tighter. “These idiots would refer to me as the two-tone-haired madwoman,” the sentence floated in front of her closed eyes and she saw it go back and forth, slowly enough for her to read it again, and again. She thought about the “J” at the bottom of the last sheet of paper again, and she didn’t even have to guess, because she knew.
Jemina.
Who else could it be?
