Nothing Left but Memories

It’s only one pile of soil and rocks, but I’ve never lifted something heavier with a shovel.

May as well weigh as much as the universe.

I lifted many moments ago, dug it six feet deep in the still thawing Earth. Each stab at the ground was hard but I dug it with tears in my eyes, and sweat on my forehead that stung the scratches, cuts and popped pimples on my face.

I probably look like a zombie, and I sure as hell feel like I lost my soul today.

At least she won’t have to feel pain anymore. A small blessing maybe, and I’ve never been in more myself as I stare down at my wife’s corpse.

A bullet in her chest, and her green eyes just empty and staring at the sky. Her cheeks were always a little rosey, and now she’s as pale as could be. A bit of snow has fallen, and her black hair stands out against it.

Shes graceful even dead.

She said if I ever had to bury her, leave her eyes open so she could see my face and the sky one last time.

So I did, and I finally lift the shovel and drop the dirt on her chest first where she died, I was tired of looking at her blood. I always hated seeing it, I felt like I failed her when I did.

I definitely did this time, now it’s just Ash and I. She just stands silent, watching me bury her mother. I guess I’m all she’s got now, and she’s not my daughter but I’ll die for her anyway.

I’ll die anyway period. I can’t even count how many bodies I’ve stumbled across. I’ll probably be one soon anyway. I wish I I could lie down in this grave and die right now, let the snow cover me and turn into a grave stone.

Ash is still here though, and she’s the only innocent thing left in this whole world, and I just watched most of that slip away in a month.

The last bit just went now.

I don’t really know what to do but it’s getting really cold, and even hard work doesn’t get the chill out of my quivering bones. My head is throbbing, and I’m tired of crying. This job is done, and the Earth covers her, so we should move on.

Let’s go Ash. There’s nothing left for us here.

Do you know where? Mom was always finding the way.

It settles in that I am never seeing Rebecca again. I see it on Ash’s face too, and I feel oddly numb about it. Just a cold absolution, falling like a rock in my stomach and making my legs made of lead.

I don’t know what to tell her. She’s right.

I dunno. But anywhere is better than here, we will just freeze when the night falls. This took too long already. Let’s get ready to go.

We start packing our things in silence, she has nothing to say. I think she thinks I have some grand plan, I don’t really know much about kids if I am being honest. I just fell in love with her mom, and she was part of the deal, and I looked after her the best I could.

Life was happy for a while and I wonder what the fuck happened all the time. I don’t think anyone really knows.

But I definitely don’t have a plan, just someone looking up to me expecting me to have one.

I’m alright with that. I’ll pretend until we die, at least she will still have a bit of hope until the end.

It’s just a matter of time I think. My life was never comfortable anyway, and I’ll shoulder that burden. It’s something to hold onto at least.

We travel lightly, our things are gathered now. I look back and the haunted ground, covered with snow and like no work was done at all. The Earth has taken her, just part of the forest now.

Nothing but a memory, returning to the dust she came from.

The trail we follow is a mystery to me, I was never very good with directions. I am not meant for these woods when I would get lost with a computer in my hand and connected to my brain in the middle of a city.

But I walk anyway and Ash follows close behind. No words between us, just trying not to die as the sun sets.

That’s all just useless metal and plastic bits in my body now, silent and disconnected. Machines so efficient they run on my bodies own energy, with nothing to communicate with anymore.

They’ll run until I die, serving a purpose they can no longer serve. A relic to remind me of a time when I had everything. I took them for granted and now I’ll probably die, and Rebecca was the only reason I was still alive.

She always loved the wilderness, it was her escape, and I always agreed that those old paper maps were amazing to look at, but made no sense to me at all. Pieces of art and history for sure, and her enthusiasm for the old just made me love her more even if I didn’t understand half of what she did.

I guess I’ll figure it out or die, and she left me some guides that I’ll protect like bibles. Most of the digital information I read on screens all day is gone, and I’ll have to get used to looking for paper.

We were heading to a camper she had out here while Seattle burned. Anywhere was better than there, with smoke in the air and the smell of death everywhere we went.

If the trees weren’t in the way, we could still see the flames maybe. An orange stain on the clouds, we aren’t that far in the end. We figured freezing in the Cascades was better than burning in the city.

We went on foot when all the networks went down, and our car wouldn’t budge. Just a useless piece of metal now without a server to talk to.

At least she had some supplies up there, and we could figure it out from there. I just had to get us there...

(To be continued, work in progress)...