THE FUSION
SORTITA
Quella maledetta notte ha cambiato tutto il mio mondo, quella maledetta notte ha distrutto il mio cuore e la mia anima.
Da quattro anni rivivo le mie giornate buie di notte, in cui gli incubi vissuti ad occhi aperti si ripetono vividamente nella mia mente, come una spirale senza fine. Spero sempre che gli eventi di quei giorni non siano stati reali, che siano solo frutto della vostra immaginazione, anche se sono immagini orrende. Quei brutti ricordi che la giornata mi lega in fondo alla mente per cercare di vivere, ma che purtroppo tornano a galla nei miei sogni, e ancora oggi non fa eccezione.
Mi sveglio di soprassalto, inzuppato di sudore. I miei occhi vagano per la stanza, vedo le pareti ricoperte di carta da parati rosa, una piccola scrivania bianca con uno scaffale dello stesso colore pieno di libri e peluche; Strizzo gli occhi e mi prendo qualche secondo secondo prima di rendermi conto di dove mi trovo. Sto dormendo nella mia vecchia stanza a casa dei miei genitori. I miei incubi mi lasciano sempre esausto quando mi sveglio.
Mi passo una mano sulla fronte per asciugarmela.
"Per fortuna non urlo in preda al panico quando ho gli incubi. Altrimenti i miei genitori capirebbero che sono ancora malato e questo non deve succedere... devono continuare a credere che sto bene".
"Devono continuare a credere che ho superato quello che è successo. Si preoccupavano troppo e poi diventavano soffocanti".
Sussurro a me stesso.
Controllo l'ora sulla sveglia, ora sono le cinque e le tre del mattino tanto vale alzarci, la sveglia sarebbe, in ogni caso, suonata presto.
Butto di lato le coperte, vado in bagno a farmi una doccia veloce, indosso la tuta da lavoro, prendo la borsa con le cose che avevo portato con me per la notte e scendo a fare colazione. La mamma è ai fornelli a friggere, io mi siedo appoggiato alla penisola.
La cucina è bella e luminosa, mi è sempre piaciuta, ha una finestra che dà sul giardino sul retro della casa, la mamma l'ha arredata con mobili in noce e bianco, ha una penisola con piano in marmo. Al centro della stanza c'è un tavolo di legno bianco coperto da un runner ricamato e un centrotavola con frutta.
La mamma gira la testa guardando oltre la mia spalla
"Buongiorno tesoro, la colazione è pronta."
"Buongiorno mamma, grazie."
Guarda la borsa appoggiata sullo sgabello accanto a me.
"Potresti restare stanotte, sai?"
"Lo so mamma, ma ci metto dieci minuti dal mio appartamento all'ufficio, da qui è un viaggio più lungo".
Sospira, sa che ho ragione. Io vivo e lavoro nel centro di Manhattan, ma loro sono in periferia.
"Lo so tesoro, ma mi manca averti in casa, vieni a trovarci così poco."
La sua espressione triste mi stringe il cuore, ma preferisco vivere da solo, in questo modo posso nascondergli il mio tormento che ho volutamente scelto di tenere solo per me.
Lo so, sarebbe un bene per me eternare le mie emozioni, ma non voglio la compassione di nessuno, tanto meno un continuo interrogatorio delle mie emozioni.
Several times in the past my parents have tried to convince me to go to a psychologist again to help me deal with my pain, but I have always categorically refused; That’s why I want them to believe that they are fine, I don’t want any pressure.
This sharp and persistent pain in the heart reminds me not to forget, it keeps me anchored to reality. Those few times I was in therapy they tried to convince me to forget to believe that nothing had ever happened. Instead I want to remember, I need to remember, that true and pure love that I have lost and perhaps I will never find again. I try not to linger on my memories and to be present here and now.
“I’ll try to come more often.”
I tell her smiling
“I’m counting on it.”
He smiles back, handing me a plate with scrambled eggs and bacon.
Even if we haven’t called him, dad arrives on time to join us, we eat and talk a bit, then I say goodbye both of us, hurrying to go to the office, I risk being late and I hate being late.
Today it is not really something to contemplate, there is a meeting with the new management, my boss is elderly and childless, therefore, he has decided to sell his company to the competition.
We are a small publishing house, until now we have maintained and defended ourselves well on the market, but there is no one able to take his place, moreover, the market is changing so he considered it more profitable to sell now, at a time when he would not have lost much. Except that by doing so we are at risk of dismissal, it is not certain that the new company will absorb us all, someone could lose their job.
This saddens me.
From my parents’ house to return to the city I take the train, with the car it would have taken me forever, both for the distance and for the traffic. Fortunately the train is on time and this also leaves me time to go home to leave the bag.
At 09:00 sharp I am in the meeting room where I find my colleagues with the boss.
“Good morning everyone, I know that my decision to sell has destabilized many of you, but I had to do what I thought was right, I don’t want to indulge in useless chatter, this is a matter already addressed; therefore, I introduce you to Monsieur Dorian, he will be the one to give you the interviews to-day.”
Most of us tried to change the boss’s mind, we even went so far as to propose to buy the company ourselves, but he was adamant, also because the price offered by this new publishing house for the acquisition is really out of our reach, no bank would have granted us such a loan.
“Good morning everyone, I want to clarify something very important. These individual meetings are purely cognitive that our CEO has no intention of firing anyone, this only serves us to understand what your current duties are, your possible attitudes if a change of sector or task is necessary.”
The newcomer addresses us with a huge smile and a peaceful and reassuring expression.
“Excuse me”
“Yes?”
“I would like to understand why the possibility of changing jobs should be revealed.”
“Legitimate question, but you see, miss, we are an already structured company, so it is possible that one of the figures envisaged in your company, in ours, is already occupied. Mergers are always complicated at the beginning.”
I nod, turning up my nose at his words, but deciding to bite my tongue afterwards
the scowl that Boss Diaz left me. I could end up arguing with this guy and it wouldn’t be professional.
“Well now I’m going to call you one by one and we’ll go to the office next door for a chat, this informal interview won’t last more than 10 minutes each, I don’t want you to waste the whole working day.”
So saying he begins to call the former, disappearing behind the door of the tiny office just mentioned.
After the interview, colleagues return to the meeting room and the buzz that is created is inevitable: everyone confronts each other... I try to distance myself and think about my upcoming meeting.
When I am called I take a deep breath. Once inside the office I shake Dorian’s hand and look at him carefully.
He is a man in his early fifties, bald with a sweet and reassuring smile.
Who knows if this reassuring attitude of his is not just a façade to fool us all.
I reflect as I look at it.
“Well Miss Sally, tell me what your duties are?”
He should already know them, he will have studied the files of all employees.
I think to myself... but to avoid any misunderstanding, I put on a fake smile before answering.
“I am one of the editors and I often also do the duties of chief editor, we are a small company, we do not have one, usually Mr. Diaz takes care of most of the work being the publisher, but he does not always have the time. I love reading and interacting with authors.”
“So I deduce that you like your job?”
“Very much, I’ve always wanted to do this job. I love contributing to the discovery of a successful new author.”
He nods without commenting.
“Do you work full rhyme?”
“Yes.”
I answer cautiously.
“Would you be willing to reduce your working hours?”
“Why should I reduce my working hours?”
I ask suspicious and irritated.
“There may be a need to contain costs, would you be willing to make such a compromise in order not to lose your job?”
I stare at him, thinning my gaze.
“If this means giving colleagues with families and children the opportunity to keep their hours and their salary, yes, I would be willing. Otherwise, if the reduction of my hours would only benefit the company because it did the math wrong before absorbing us. No, thank you I prefer to look elsewhere.”
He remains silent again, scribbling something on some sheets placed in front of him.
Who knows what he is writing, I’m curious to know.
“Do you see yours is a hybrid figure, would you be willing to do only the job of a simple editor?”
“Of course, I don’t see it as a downgrade, I understand that in your company the dynamics are different from ours.”
After a few more questions he dismisses me. I go back to the others trying to have a little conversation. The boss has momentarily disappeared, he will not want to be assailed by questions.
After the talks, Dorian returns to the room for one last announcement.
“Well, gentlemen, now the talks will be evaluated by those in charge and in two days at 9.00 you will have your first meeting with the new CEO. I thank you all for the time dedicated to me and I wish you a good continuation of the day.”
So saying he leaves the room and I presume the building as well.
We linger a few more minutes for the first hot comments. When colleagues gradually leave the room to go to their workstations to work, I do the same. All today’s practice lasted less than I expected, Dorian actually gave everyone a few minutes; In fact, it is just past lunchtime.
Sitting at my desk I try to concentrate on work, but without success my mind wanders.
Who knows what the CEO will be like, in the newspapers we read that he is a handsome guy, nothing more though. It seems that he cares a lot about his privacy, so no photos on tabloids and social media... Strange: No?
I have always thought that a young and successful CEO loved notoriety, instead of him almost nothing is known, a perfect stranger who for only a couple of years has been riding the peak of success, puts the company on the market and it explodes, I heard that he does everything to break down the competition, it seems that this is not his first acquisition. I’m so curious to meet him: at only 25 years old, he’s already a millionaire.
My thoughts are interrupted by a notification on my cell phone.
A message from my boyfriend Tod.
Tod is a very sweet guy, he doesn’t let me miss anything, he is always present and listens to me. I must admit that he is objectively handsome, dark brown eyes, a lean physique, his muscles are well defined, many girls drool after him, not only for his physique but also for his wallet, he has a construction company of which he is the owner.
Quando due anni fa ha scelto di stare con me mi sono sentita la donna più fortunata del mondo. Oltre ad essere bello e ricco, cosa che a me importa poco, è dolce e premuroso.
I hoped to fall in love with him one day, he has all the qualities I look for in a man, but my heart is still hurt, I’m trying to mend it, but seeing time pass more and more, sometimes I fall into despair with the awareness that I will never be able to repair it completely.
Putting aside the sadness for this tormented heart of mine, the curiosity of the new CEO is the enormous fear of losing the job I love. I stare at the screen of my cell phone and smile to myself like a fool.
“Hey beauty pizza tonight?”
“Of course I need to relax after today.”
“Tough day?”
“More stressful than anything else”
“I’ll pick you up at 8 p.m.”
“I’ll wait for you later.”
“See you later, a kiss baby.”
With the promise of a quiet evening, I focus on my work making the rest of the day worthwhile.
