Chapter 1
Samuel: Six years ago
The small town of Libby, Montana, was quiet this morning as I stumbled down the street. The sun was rising; this was the third night in a row I had gone out and gotten lost somewhere in town. I'm sure Alex wasn't happy with me again. I felt like shit for leaving her alone again. So I had stopped at a field outside of town and picked her some wild sunflowers, hoping for her to forgive me.
I walked to my apartment up the stairs, and the door was unlocked. Which was weird, she never left the door unlocked. I knocked on the door, "Alex? Are you here?" I said, opening the door. The silence was so thick I could've cut it with a knife. "Alex?" I said, walking down the small hall to the only bedroom.
"Honey, are you here?" I said, walking into the room. It was empty; all that was left was the bed and a note. I picked it up; it was her handwriting for sure. I sat down on the bed, knowing she probably ran away like the other girls did. I set the small group of flowers I had picked on the bed. My stomach is in knots, knowing that if this didn't last, I'm sure nothing would.
I opened the small piece of paper, and tears welled up in my eyes. She was gone, and I had fucked up again. Was it the lies I told? Was she not willing to go through hell with me? I couldn't pinpoint exactly what she thought or believed about me. I wanted to know, but now was not the time. I called her cell phone, but it rang and rang. But ended with saying the number didn't exist anymore.
I'm sure she went back home to Missoula. And I was left alone, again, like everyone in my life had left me. After three years of dating her, she had never seemed to have any issues with me. Unless she realized I wasn't a good person, I'm sure I'm not. The thoughts raged through my mind as I lay down on the bed. It was cold, I guess I just had to get used to it. The tears streamed down my face.
I had fucked up the relationship with the love of my life, and I knew she wouldn't come back. Ever. It was a dreaded feeling I had felt more than once in my life: hurt, fear, and hopelessness. My life had been the same; people come, they get close, and run.
I lay on the bed, tears streaming down my face. I knew I wasn't perfect, but damn, could she have seen I've tried? I had darkness inside of me, and sometimes it would come out, but I tried to hide it from her. Those nights, I had come home from my small grocery store job and just lost it. The fear that was built up in me was a wall, a wall only she got down.
Was I so much such in the past that I was becoming the one person I hoped never to become?
