Chapter 1
I felt it for a moment. I was free. On a meadow. Alone. At night. Looking at the stars just by myself.
A few days later, my freedom had disappeared into the vastness of other people’s lives. What awesome things must they be doing on Friday night? Somehow, their lives suddenly looked so much more important than mine. I breathed out and clicked on the icon.
An hour later, still scrolling on TikTok. How come I cannot end this? Is my willpower too weak? Am I too weak? They said it was easy to get out of an addiction, but I’m afraid it’s not easy for me.
“Stop it!” I said to myself. “Just turn off the phone!” And I really did. I looked around my messy room and heard my sister arguing with my parents. I glanced around the whole room.
“Oh gosh!” I said aloud. “I don’t want to be in this world anymore!” I walked around in circles till I found another piece of my mirror—the one I broke last week when I was angry with myself. Just like now.
“Just breathe through it,” my parents said. “It happens.” So I breathed. Focused. It’s fine. I closed my eyes. I can just go out tonight like the other day. I will feel good then. I’ll have a good time. But so will Chloe...
Chloe, who’s going to the party tonight. She’ll be there with people, with my friends. Their favorite, like always. She will get drunk, post it on her Instagram, and everyone will suddenly be cheering her on. I open my eyes.
I realized long ago that I will never be like her. She’s communicative, funny, relatable, and kind of a bitch in closer friendships. That’s where I come in; that’s where she likes me to be. But I’ve never realized that I shouldn’t strive to be like her. I blink a few times.
“Oh fuck!” I almost shout and instantly cover my mouth.
I get out of my bed, full of energy. Without deeper thoughts, I put on my sports clothes. I grab my phone, sprint out of my room, and meet the gaze of piercing eyes in the bathroom mirror. It’s me. I smile at the woman in the mirror, give her the gun fingers, and continue on my journey.
“Bye!” I shout before leaving our flat. Sprinting down the stairway, I’ve never felt better. I am free, I am free, I am free! My mind is repeating to me.
I run like I never have before in my life. I feel the night light breeze fondling my arms. The grass is still warm from the summer sun when I lie in it. In the distance, so detached from it all, the stars twinkle at me. How free must they feel?
My mind is not filled with deep thoughts, tiredness, laziness, and hate. It’s full of simple emotions. Happiness. Joy. The simplicity of life now that I’ve realized it.
I don’t care about celebrity scandals, other people’s bodies, my glow-up before school... I am present in the moment without trying. I am surrounded by tall trees that are of an age I will never know. Suddenly, I realize that some things don’t define me: the parties I haven’t attended, the number of people I’ve dated, what grades I got in school, which selfies I haven’t posted, the trending clothes I don’t own. It doesn’t matter!
I can feel it again. The freedom. The simplicity that life can have. Once you discover it, you cannot go back. Once in a while, your body craves it. And that’s what mine did too.
