Chapter 1
Chapter 1 - On the Importance of Sunscreen
I hummed a melodic tune as I swept the floor of my cottage, in the land of eternal summer. For the first time in a while, I was home alone. My pirate ship, the Seacow, was under repair; so the crew was on shore leave for a while. My romantic partners were away for a little while. Namali was out on a first real date with Aamalyn. Whereas Zolreya and Daava had decided to take a platonic fishing holiday together. So I had decided to make the best of it.
Technically, I could have taken a quest from the University. But instead, I had decided that it’d be nice to clean the place for my partners. The slight surprise would be pleasant for them, and any … physical reward … would be nice for me.
I swished with my broom in a sort of dance, whistling to a medley I'd heard from some green birds just outside. A warm breeze blowing through the open windows and ruffling my pink maid's dress. There wasn't much to clean. The cottage wasn’t very big—just one long space with a kitchen, dining area, and bedroom. But it was ours, and it was perfect.
With a particularly emphatic spin, I found myself in front of the mirror. There, I saw a face that had become so much more familiar to me over the years.
Lilly Pond.
With my long, brown curls over pale and freckled skin with darker patches. A bit muscly, but that was something I had grown to appreciate myself, as I did every part of my transness. Prominent nose, big bottom lip stuck out in a permanent pout. And my favorite, the bovine horns and tail I had for … completely necessary reasons.
Whatever those happened to be.
I looked down at my outfit. My maid's dress left little to the imagination, but that was common enough for a sorcerer in this world. I smiled and then proudly adjusted the collar of ownership from Daava. Then I touched the septum ring Namali, had given me, with her name on it. I also wore my pearl engagement ring that Zolreya, had proposed with. Lastly, around my ankle, was an irremovable, pink, crystal anklet. In truth, it was sentient creature I had named Bunny.
I glanced out the window, spotting the tiny altar/home I had made for Pasithea, my pixie deity. That was ... a long story. Pixies were the world’s natural defense against truly dark magic. The fact that I'd made a soul-pact with this one to protect Daava had only made her stronger, smarter.
I wasn't too bothered, though. If spirit of protection wanted to stick around in exchange for a few small prayers, tiny food offerings, and some occasional head, who was I to complain?
Feeling the flow of erotic energy flowing through me, I turned and aimed a palm at the pile of dust I’d left in front of the open front door. An invisible gale shot the dust outside in a spectacular cloud.
“Give it back!” I heard a familiar voice gasp from outside. They sounded absolutely exhausted, out of breath. “Please … it’s been … miles. Pretty … pretty … please.”
I walked outside and immediately spotted my agamidian friend from my university days, Mr. Spleck. He was a short-statured, bipedal lizard person with brown keeled scales and orange markings. As always, Mr. Spleck was wearing his own black and white maid’s outfit.
When Mr. Speck saw me, his eyes lit up in relief.
I looked over at what he was chasing.
Pasithea, with her bioluminescent pink skin and butterfly wings, was darting around him, holding an unusually ornate piece of paper. When she saw me, Pasithea zipped over, landed on my shoulder, and dropped the paper in my hand.
Furrowing my brow at the oddity, I brought it over. “Kavtagro’s gray pubic hair. Did … Pasithea make you chase her all the way from the University?”
After a few moments, Mr. Spleck looked up and replied between breaths. “Uhm … yes? It’s … a bit … embarrassing. I ... know.” He finally drew in oxygen heavily.
“I’m so sorry!” I said, quickly placing the important paper in his hand.
I wasn’t sure what else to say; pixies were hardly any sort of pet. And the power dynamic between myself and Pasithea was … kind of the opposite. Suffice to say, she didn’t do tricks or obey my commands.
I helped Mr. Spleck into the house. Once he was sitting at the table, I poured him a big glass of water.
Mr. Spleck downed it in one long, desperate gulp. Then he set the cup back on the table. “Thank you, Lilly; I don’t know what I would have done if I’d had to chase her much longer."
“Trickster spirits, eh?” I asked with a smile.
“And I wasn’t even doing dark magic!” Mr. Spleck said, letting out a good-natured laugh. Taking the letter, he placed it among the pages of a large, leather-bound book he’d kept under his arm. It was about then that he seemed to notice that our outfits were matching. He smiled, looking pleased that his gift, from so long ago, was still in use.
“What's that? A romance novel?” I asked teasingly as I looked at the book. “It’s not written in the present tense, is it?”
Mr. Spleck furrowed his scaled brow. “If it were, I really would deserve a pixie’s torment.” He chuckled to himself even as his eyes lit up. “Actually, I’ve started a business venture!”
I found myself getting excited with him, bouncing up and down in my seat. “Tell me!”
“Well!” Mr. Spleck said, taking both my hands excitedly as if this was the hottest gossip in town. “After having you as my apprentice at the university, I decided it should be a regular thing. But, when my students graduated, a lot of them wanted to do keep at maid sorcery. So I created ‘Lusty Agamidian Maid’s Cleaning Service!’ Sort of like bodyguard work, mixed with the sensual delight of cleaning.”
I smiled, hardly one to argue while I cleaned alone in my lingerie.
Mr. Spleck reached into the pocket of his dress and pulled out a brochure with a nice drawing of him in a sexy pose.
“That’s so cool!” I said, genuinely excited for him. “How’s it going so far?”
“Great!” Mr. Spleck said at first, but then his expression fell just a bit. “Well … it was. And is—mostly.”
“What happened?” I asked.
Mr. Spleck sighed and reached for the paper he’d been chasing before. “A new employer at the canal. He wanted to hire a maid for long-term work. I sent one of our standard contracts. But then, I started getting distressing letters from her about her employer’s behavior. I was about to file a breach of contract … but the contract that she showed me wasn’t the one I wrote! There were a number of clauses and additions I would have never written in.”
I frowned. “Is … it possible she signed a different contract?”
Mr. Spleck shook his head vehemently and said, “That’s what I thought, but look!” he pointed to a series of numbers that revealed an almost negligeable amount of money his business was receiving. “My signature, my stamp. And ... none of my fees have even been deduced.”
I felt my face go flush. “Do you suspect … magic?”
Mr. Spleck tapped his nose. “I plan to go to the Director of the University with this. They’ll know what to do. My husband too. But … I can’t just abandon one of my maids in the meantime! Fortunately, the substitution clause is still there, in tiny print.”
“Substitution clause?” I asked.
Mr. Spleck nodded, showing one tiny line of print among a hundred other small rules. “I can appoint a substitution in cases of personality conflicts. I plan to go there, take her place, and then write to the Director from there. Hopefully, we’ll get a resolution in … well … under a year.”
“A year!” I said, barely able to believe what I was hearing.
Mr. Speck nodded, seeming like he was trying to keep it all together. “It will be a … slow process. I could do it in a matter of weeks if I gave it my full attention. But those I hire are my responsibility. If I can’t protect them, I don’t deserve the title of Head Maid.” He slid the paper contract back in front of himself.
I nodded, admiring the pervy little lizard with higher business ethics than literally anyone in the world I’d come from. His husband, a wealthy tiefling who funded the University, would be doing everything in her power to speed up the process. But ... it still seemed like it would be a major problem for him.
Pasithea suddenly flew into the house through the open door. When I met her eyes, she pointed down at my chest.
I looked down and nearly jumped.
That’s right! I was wearing a maid outfit! I could help!
Wait ... had this been Pasithea’s intention by bringing the paper. Did that mean that dark magic was afoot?
“What if … I did it?” I asked, sliding the paper in front of me to look over it.
Mr. Spleck began to stammer and shake his head. “Lilly, it’s not a good idea. The contract is quite unlike anything I ever intended. And … what if it changes again? What if the substitution clause is removed next? No, I can’t let anyone I care about be subjected to it.”
“But it’s okay for you to be subjected to it for a year?” I asked with a raised eyebrow.
Mr. Spleck frowned and looked down at the floor shamefully.
“Mr. Spleck, this isn’t your fault,” I said and placed a hand on his shoulder. “I can handle this. I’m a university graduate, pirate, circle-dragon apprentice, and master ceratopsian sorceress. What’s a little cleaning duty for a few weeks? Even if it does get a little risqué?”
Mr. Spleck sighed heavily, rubbing his hands together anxiously. “Are … you sure?”
I thought about it for a moment and then said. “I … don’t think Pasithea would have gotten me involved for no reason.”
Mr. Spleck seemed to think about this, scratching his chin with a slight nod.
“Besides, we’re sorcerers," I said, leaning cockily back in my chair. "Dealing with problems is what we do. Working both sides of this thing, we have a better chance at figuring all this out.”
I let him consider my words for a moment, before I let out a wry smile to ease the tension. “Plus … I’m getting paid, right?”
“With a generous bonus!” Mr. Spleck said, also trying to be lighthearted. Of course, I could tell he was still concerned.
I studied the paper.
In the corner, there was a makeshift little map. Detailing a landscape that seemed familiar.
I scanned the page for other details. “Moonstone Casino, blah blah blah, kinky shit, blah blah blah, non-disclosure agreement, blah, blah, blah, consent needed for penetration only. I’m guessing you didn’t write half of this?”
Mr. Spleck shook his head.
I thought about it for another moment before I felt comfortable giving a tentative nod. “I can handle it.”
Mr. Spleck studied my eyes, still seeming very unsure.
Trying to help matters, I said. “Don’t worry, Mr. Spleck. I’ve dealt with way kinkier. Did you know that I started dating Xania after she thought I was a literal animal and branded me? And don't even get me started on the Spider-taur that tried to eat me.”
Mr. Spleck cackled before settling into a warm smile. “You’re right, there’d be nobody better for the job. Thank you, Lilly. I will work as fast as I possibly can. I will not rest until we get this matter cleared up.”
I nodded, a bit nervous but … not overwhelmed like I might have been not so long ago. “I know you will. I’ll just write a letter to my partners and let them know what’s going on. Then I’ll head out.” Then I put my hand on the table. “Go team maid?”
Mr. Spleck nodded with a smile I had only ever seen when he’d been on the battlefield. He placed his hand on mine. “Go team maid!”
We threw our hands into the air, both of us ready to do our part.
“And Lilly,” Mr. Spleck said, his face becoming somber once more. “My business … it’s not worth your safety. If you ever feel like you are in danger or if you are ever being harmed, do not stay for my sake.”
I nodded but then looked over his shoulder.
Pasithea was floating grimly over my bed—looking far from her usual aloof demeanor. To the contrary, she seemed … worried. Whatever her angle was on this was … it seemed far more serious than just altered contracts.
It didn’t take me long to pack and leave a letter for my partners. Then I was ready to go.
I went outside and looked around for Pasithea, who had left the house at some point. I spotted her on her altar—like a little birdhouse I had built on a post, surrounded by stacked stones. Pasithea was sitting on the top of it, resting her chin on her fist, her brow heavily furrowed. Like she was going out of her way not to look at me.
“I’m … on my way out … for the mission … that you basically signed me up for,” I said, trying to figure out why she seemed so disinterested in me. “Are ... you coming?”
Pasithea sighed silently and then flew over to me. I offered a palm in front of my face, which she landed on. For a moment, I tried to figure out if I had done something to hurt her feelings.
Finally, Pasithea shook her head firmly.
“Wait … you’re not coming?” I asked, confused.
Pasithea pointed to the northeast—toward the Grand Hoohas and the cold, dry biome where her species usually lived.
“I … don’t understand,” I said, looking down as I tried to figure out what she meant. “Did I … do something wrong? I thought you were telling me you wanted me to do. I'm your priestess … its the main reason I volunteered.”
Pasithea nodded a few times, clearly understanding my confusion. Usually, if there was something important, she would communicate with her hypnotic powers. The spirals in her pink wings would spin, instantly triggering the magical conditioning she had built into me.
This time, however, there was none of that. Pasithea only nodded, and then pointed in the direction of the far coast. She wasn’t angry … this was all part of her plan. Pasithea simply ... wasn't happy about it.
“I guess … you think it’s better if I go into this blind?” I asked. “Without … well … anyone?”
Again, Pasithea nodded. This time, however, she touched my cheek, looking at me with fast-blinking eyes over pursed lips. Then, before I could ask another question, she flew away.
A foreboding chill came over me.
I took a deep breath, reminding myself that Pasithea cared about me. I trusted her. And even if it was silly to view a pixie as some sort of deity, I chose to do so because I believed in her. Not just in her existence, which was far more undeniable than other gods I’d heard of. But in the fact that … she gave a shit. Even for something as small as the sentient enchantment she’d saved, now fastened permanently around my ankle.
Slinging my backpack over my shoulder, I proceeded on the path south.
The map had said that the casino was in a new city … toward the far end of the newly built canal. A project built in unison by the many nearby cities and towns. One part of it ran fairly close to my home.
So I decided to find and follow it to my destination. Perhaps the roads would have been faster, but I needed time to process the odd sense of quiet within me.
It was a short hike through the forest before I arrived at the banks of the canal. Its construction was a wonder. Miles of stone lined the banks and countless trees cut through. In any other context, this might have bothered me.
As compromise, an equal part of the land taken was added to territories on the opposite side. What was more, the lumber that was not used for bridges was a free resource for those whose lands were affected. Everybody seemed content with this compromise, and joining the north and south seas would be well worth the effort.
Even knowing what the canal was for, it still surprised me when I saw a steam ferry pass me from behind. I turned, marveling at the craft that looked like something out of an old cartoon. And riding on the deck were … wait … humans?
I rubbed my eyes, not quite believing it.
I knew that other humans had been brought to this world. Hell, they’d been my classmates when I studied in the University. But because of a promise, I hadn’t seen much from them in the years I’d been here.
A part of me had always just kind of assumed that they would all done the same as I had. Scattering to explore the new world and finding homes with the people already established here.
Passively I looked down at my reflection in the water. When I did, I saw my cow tail swishing about. This brought a small smile. Perhaps it was a bit of a joke to call myself human at all. It was silly to have assumed what humans would have been doing at all.
I looked back up at the ship and waved.
Most of the humans didn’t seem to notice me as they passed. They seemed to be having a good time, dressed formally in blacks and reds.
One of them, however, saw me as he leaned over the railing. He was shirtless—cut enough to have been a model. Olive skin. Dark hair—a few strands of which hung just over his eyes. Long, chiseled face.
When our eyes met, the man reached into a jar and spread some kind of bronzing oil onto his shapely arms and chest. As if creating an intimate scene just for my pleasure.
I raised my eyebrows and reached instinctively into my bag—where I always kept a jar of sunblock. I lifted it in an unspoken offer to throw it up if he thought he could catch it.
Whatever smoldering look the man was trying to give fizzled immediately. With an expression of annoyance, he returned his attention to the party.
And, soon, the ship passed me by.
I wondered if my offer of sunblock had been … weird. Even if so, I was a pirate. And if pirates knew the importance of anything, it was fresh water, citrus, dried foods, and sunscreen.
