My Favorite Hierarchy

Looking over at the swings and slides in the center of the park, three girls sat on the bright green grass under a tree. Feeling wondrous about themselves, Julie, among them, sat across from two of her friends; afraid, she didn't want to miss any points in conversation between Beth and Stephanie. Beth asked Stephanie if piercings were a way to go once she turns 20, in August, and Stephanie suggested a tattoo should go along with it; while Julie chose to leave her phone in her pocket, Stephanie talked effortlessly to Beth while looking at her phone. She scooted closer as her jeans tightened around her waist, intending to oppose quietness as a way of some personality, in hopes to obviously seem stagnant but always ready to be socially active.

Beth laid her sketchbook on the grass, leaned over, and grabbed her phone - “we should have some music,” Beth said and searched for a song.

“I was just going to say,” Stephanie said gladly, without looking at her. “Be my guest.”

And while Beth searched, scrolling through endless music videos on her playlist, Julie asked Stephanie, “So, which one is your house?” attempting a small start for conversation.

Stephanie took a bite of the sandwich Beth bought at a gas station, glancing around. She pointed, while trying to chew “over there, the one with the small American flag on that porch,” her blonde hair nicely blowing in front of her face, with the afternoon sun softening her skin. Julie nodded, now noticing she needed another question if she wanted Stephanie to take an interest without force or painful anxiety.

Stephanie goes back to looking at her phone as Beth plays soothing, aesthetic jazz, placing the phone between them.

A line of questions Julie thought, wanting to keep the conversation going; before she could ask something about Stephanie's hair, Beth's new nails, or maybe what video games Beth and Stephanie played together, the two girls already conversed at the idea both should get piercings together at the mall. Julie, then, feeling embarrassed, forced herself to the music and decided to lie down; she looked at the sky to seem unbothered, hoping her feelings of alienation would pass her naturally. Feeling the fresh wind and grass, her waist was no longer stiff from her jeans. Then, “Should we go ahead and go in?” Stephanie asked.

“Why?” Beth said gently, her black hair tightened into a bun. Julie was unaware Beth and Stephanie then looked at her.

“I think Julie is bored,” Stephanie said, giggling. Julie quickly sat up and said, “Sorry, I just wanted to rest my eyes,” and added, trying to sound natural with her waist again tight, “Today just seems so calm.”

She smiled awkwardly and Stephanie looked over at Beth. “Well, I am,” Stephanie said demandingly, and Beth agreed, nodding. Julie questioned if apologizing to them was appropriate but remained staring, annoyed at how pecky the grass was under her legs.

They all got up, patted themselves down, and walked across the street while yelling through her consciousness; Julie became anxious Stephanie might be thinking about what else they could be doing, mostly because of her. She tried throwing the thought out but it kept coming back. To then ease herself, she imagined an audience in a theater watching her on a big screen, saying, “Dang, I would've just left. No point staying there when she obviously doesn't take any interest.”

Going up the concrete path towards the porch with an American flag, she looked back at the park; Julie stared at the swings and thought, I wonder if they played tag together around there (“See, she’s all trying to be nostalgic with herself. It won't work,” an audience member would say). Entering the house of Stephanie’s, Stephanie says to Beth, taking one last bite of her sandwich, “When I turn 18, you and I should get tattoos together.” The sun disappeared from their skin, and Julie closed the door as Beth and Stephanie walked into the kitchen.

The living room floor was wooden and smooth, the wallpaper was standard off-white, and within was an L-shaped couch; because of a window by the medium-sized TV, the soft sunlight bounced off the cushions, and created a flicker off the wall, as though a natural light for the living room without flipping the switch. All houses look like this, Julie thought, hearing the two girls giggle in the kitchen; they probably have been to dozens of houses like this; having birthday parties and friendly conversations with their family, Julie imagined - or whatever else close friends do.

Julie thought about saying, ‘I’m gonna sit on the couch,’ in case they wondered if she left, but really wanted to ask if she could. She remained quiet and walked around the couch that faced the window, and sat in the middle of the part facing the T.V.

Looking over at the spot where the sunlight reflected, and scooting closer, she touched the area with her pointer finger. Julie observed how characters in movies would caress mundane objects, making their whole reality centered on their life, because, as she thought deeply, it really only mattered whatever they did and what they thought. Her nails nicely sparkled, remembering now she added clear nail polish that morning. She then got up and moved closer to the window and saw that it faced the park; she looked over at the grass they sat on and imagined how she looked sitting in front of Stephanie, like a cat asking for pets. You should just leave, dear, she thought, watching the grass - just leave her; she won’t care if you go. She then heard Stephanie and Beth giggling about something. Julie set herself on the cushion, making herself best to look patient and resourceful in case they thought she couldn’t handle being alone, especially in Stephanie's house, which she’d never been in. Beth, however, has.  

They walked around the corner. Beth carried a white plate full of snacks, like crackers and slice squares of cheese, and Stephanie walked towards the TV, in her hand carrying a game counsel and two controllers. She set it down near the TV and began hooking it up. Meanwhile, Beth sat on the couch - in the middle of the part that faced the window - while Julie still stayed in her spot, facing the T.V.

For a moment, Beth and Julie stared at Stephanie as she pulled on wires, plugging one outlet into another. Then, Beth, taking one glance at Julie while eating the cheese pieces Stephanie sliced for her, said, “Oh! I totally forgot.” She set down her slice of cheese on the plate; “Stephanie? Do we have a third controller for Julie?” turning to Julie, “I’m so sorry, I totally didn’t mean -”

“It’s fine,” Julie said respectfully. “Really, it's okay; I’d rather watch.”

“No!” Beth began, as Stephanie stared at Julie, “I really want you to play with us.”

Julie looked at Stephanie, going back plugging in wires, and Beth glanced at Stephanie as though she wanted Stephanie to answer for her - this is her house after all, Julie thought reasonably. “I’d really rather watch; I think it’s funny when it’s both of you playing.”

Turning back stiffly to Julie, “Are you sure?” Beth said.

“I’m sure,” Julie said. She crossed her legs on top of the cushions, in an attempt to seem the conversation was settled.

“I’ll tell you what,” Stephanie said, turning around, “after one of us dies, you are next to play, alright?” She chews on the cracker and grabs the slice of cheese for her second.

“Cool,” Julie said.

“Cool.”

Stephanie stands up, smiling. She quickly sat by Beth, and Julie felt she was encouraged to scoot close. Once she did, Beth nervously said, “You could have my controller once I die.”

‘That would be wonderful,’ Julie thought to say, but instead said, “Okay cool, thanks,” and Stephanie giggled. I finally got her to laugh, Julie thought and felt safe for now.

After one hour of playing - Julie went 5 times, each time purposely dying every five minutes - the backdoor, through the kitchen, was opened and closed ruffly. Coming from around the corner, Stephanie, with her giggle along with Beth, became silent; a whole face took over with fear, as her mother walked in and stopped to observe: wearing a black jacket, a button up underneath, holding a purse with golden chains, and having last night's makeup still on. She looked at Stephanie before Beth, then, while looking at Julie, she said, “Stephanie, who are these people?” In front of them were bits and pieces of crackers and cheese, and some littered near the table the plate laid on. Stephanie glanced at Beth, then looked up to her mother; the controller lay to the side of her leg. “These are my friends,” Stephanie said hesitantly. Before she could explain further, her mother rolled her eyes and continued towards the hall, which Julie presumed was her bedroom. Then, before Stephanie and Beth can settle - Julie suddenly feels she’s like a ghost in the corner, watching undetected - her mother down the hall said, “Have them go home, please; I got stuff to do,” and slammed the door.

Beth and Julie then turn to Stephanie, her face half expected to cry, or maybe scrunch up. She unexpectedly laughs and places her hand over her mouth. Looking over at Beth, Beth giggles along with her, as Stephanie said, “I swear, every time you're here, she always acts like you're new.”

Beth nods; “Like, come on,” then looking at Julie, “I’ve been coming here for about several years since elementary, and she still thinks me and Stephanie are dating.” Beth lets out a small laugh as Stephanie pulls on her arm playfully.

“Shhh. She might hear us,” Stephaine said smiling.

Julie, meanwhile, sat observing the way Beth leaned towards Stephanie, laying on her shoulder for a second to laugh, and Stephanie holding her hand to embrace their quiet quarrel; there lingered an oppressive fear that Julie recognized while leaning back to see the hall and check if her mother comes down and catches them smiling and looking closely connected. She didn’t want to look at the window, concerned it confirmed their reasons for then letting her depart, since Julie knew they were to hang somewhere else after this.

The warm rays from the window, the spot she touched, now laid poetically in her hand, and she wanted to take a picture from her phone and post it, but the thought of no one knowing how she is experiencing the smallest things, made her resist and feel sublimely still on the couch. An odd thought, as Beth and Stephanie, both slowly coming to a restful state, Julie thought, I wonder if Stephanie would’ve chosen me, instead of Beth, if I had a mother just like hers; and leaning back and checking the dim hall again, she suddenly became at a loss on what to do next.

As Beth helped Stephanie grab the bits off the floor, as Stephanie put the white plates away, Beth then asks, “Julie, if you wouldn’t mind, me and Stephanie are going to the mall for a bit, but we're going to drink and smoke as we head over there. I don’t think it would be wise if you came with us.”

“I won’t tell anyone, if that's what's scaring you,” Julie said.

“I know, Julie. But, you're only 16, I wouldn’t want you to get in trouble.”

Julie, feeling inspired to maybe go to a movie, or go to the library to read alone, she then says, “Okay then.” You must always have a place to go, even in friendship, she thought depressingly.

“Cool?” Beth asked.

“Cool,” Julie said.

Minutes later, Stephanie comes from the hall after telling her mother she and Beth were going to the mall. Julie and Beth stood by the door, and glancing at the carpet, they felt accomplished. “Are you ready to go?” Stephanie asked Beth, and Beth nodded. Then turning to Julie, “my mom is letting me use my dads truck; so, where’s your home so we could drop you off?”

Julie then noticed she would have to answer.