Parodypasta: The Most Horrible Curse in the Universe ZOMG TM

You might have heard of a curse called ‘The Most Horrible Curse in the Universe ZOMG TM’ from your friends at school or maybe from your officemates at your job. If you are a weirdo who likes to place curses on other people for no apparent reason then this guide is for you. It will help you to become even more of a social outcast because people will fear your curse casting abilities. If it doesn’t bother you that possessing the knowledge of this curse will pretty much get you excluded from every social gathering for the rest of your life, then read on.

First I will tell you what the curse does, hoping that if you know the effects it has when you cast it, you will pick up a better hobby like playing videogames or building model airplanes. The moment you cast ‘The Most Horrible Curse in the Universe ZOMG TM’ you will notice that your skin will turn a dingy green color. Don’t worry, this is only a temporary side effect and should go away within an hour of placing the curse. Next you will notice that you will pass gas for at least twenty-four hours nonstop. This is also normal and you will literally run out of gas the next day. Pun very much intended.

Keep in mind that during the time you are breaking wind, the smell will be so horrible that it might cause the people around you to pass out. If you are okay with this, just stand wherever you please and toot away. However, if you don’t find this amusing, be sure to keep to yourself until the full twenty-four hours have passed. The next day you will notice that your fingernails will turn a grimy yellow color. This is due to the fungus that the curse has shoved between each of your fingernails. Whatever you do, DO NOT remove the fungus. If you remove it, the curse will be broken and you will be cursed to have bad gas for seven years. The fungus will go away on its own at the end of the day so there is no need to remove it.

On the third day, provided you have followed all of the rules, the curse will take effect. Whoever you have placed the curse on will grow really big feet, a pair of bucked teeth, and a set of goat horns. They will also have really bad breath, smell like recycled yard sale goods, and only be able to communicate in outdated lingo from the 40s, 50s, 60s, 70s, 80s, and 90s. Because of this, everyone they speak to will think they are lame and hang out with the more popular individuals in their social group. They will find some solace by connecting to other cursed goat people who have had the same curse placed on them by looking them up on online dating websites like The Goat Connection or the goat version of Facebook called BaaBook. However, should they get married to another goat person, all of their children will be weird duck/ human hybrids because of the laws of psychics.

Strangely, the duck/human hybrids will have normal human babies if they get married to other duck people or even if they get married to humans, because of the complicated rules of genetics. In this way, the curse will be broken by the third generation provided that the goat person chooses to get married and their children choose to get married. However, if the goat person chooses to feel sorry for themselves and never hooks up with anyone, they will be a loner goat who remains that way until they die. The same rule applies to the duck people. There is absolutely no way to break this curse except for getting married and waiting for the third generation to be normal which is why it is ‘The Most Horrible Curse in the Universe ZOMG TM’. They don’t just give things like this these kinds of titles for their own health, you know.

If all of this hasn’t convinced you to not cast this curse on someone and you still wish to attempt it then…dang. You need some serious therapy. But that aside, here are steps of how you cast this curse on the people of your choosing. First you need to get a bucket and fill it with equal parts water and JELLO mix. You may need to use several packages of JELLO mix to make sure the powder fills half of the bucket. This shouldn’t be a problem though as most stores practically give boxes of JELLO away due to the fact that it’s weird and jiggles when no one is looking. Once you have the bucket filled with equal parts of water and JELLO mix, stir it until all of the JELLO mix is dissolved into the water while chanting, “Moogle, moogle, moogle, moogle, sheep, moogle, duck” at least three times.

Once the mix is dissolved and you have finished chanting the words above, stand in the bucket and flap your arms like a duck five times while making goat noises. Then point your right hand toward the sky and call out the names of the people you want to place the curse on. Call out their names seven times each and then flap your arms like a chicken, bark like a dog, and get out of the bucket. When you leave the bucket, immediately dump its contents out somewhere like on the grass in the backyard and then clap your hands three times.

Provided that you have followed all of these steps, the curse will be placed on the people you mentioned during the ritual. All of the signs that you have casted the curse correctly mentioned earlier will appear. You must make sure that all of the steps of the curse are followed at all costs or you will end up placing the curse on yourself. There is also the risk of turning yourself into a frog or toad if you don’t use cherry flavored JELLO for the ritual or a solid metal bucket. Make sure that you say all of the words in the ritual exact amount of times or you will be forced to watch reruns of the Teletubbies for at least a week against your will.

Now you know how to cast ‘The Most Horrible Curse in the Universe ZOMG TM,’ the most dangerous and creepy curse of them all. Before you go off to curse all of the people you don’t like, just remember that they have probably read this article and they also know how to cast this curse on YOU. So go ahead and get that much needed therapy and start making LOTS of friends, or you just might end up becoming the curse’s next victim.