Shudder

Colossians 3:13

“Bear with each other and forgive one another. If any of you has a grievance against someone, forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

May 6th, 2000

Darkness surrounded 8-year-old Katie. The hairs on her arms stood up, both from fear and the cool temperature of the garage. She could feel the hot breath from her brother, Jay, puff on her face. His maniacal laughs sent shivers down her spine. Katie’s body trembled as she tried to get out from the ropes that restrained her.

She gasped at the sound of her father’s blowtorch. She imagined the powerful blue flames rushing out of it, burning to a crisp whatever it touched.

The thick tape over her lips masked her screams, unleashing a high-pitched humming noise instead.

She’d frantically wrestled with the rope that bound her hands and feet, but her trembling sweaty fingers hindered her effort.

Her tears reached the gorilla tape over her mouth, as her 12-year-old brother laughed coldheartedly.

She couldn’t imagine the pain she was about to feel, and with her vision obscured, she hadn’t even known where to expect it.

“Katie? Jay?” she heard the glorious but faint sound of her mother’s voice from upstairs.

Katie wanted to scream the thoughts in her mind. Yes! Please, I’m in the garage, Mom! I’m in the garage with Jay alone. Come get me!

As she heard her mother’s footsteps drawing closer, she felt her heart dancing inside her chest. Now her mother was finally going to understand. She was finally going to see what Jay did to her when they were alone.

Her saving day had finally come. The blindfold over her eyes prevented her from seeing anything in the room, but she could imagine the panic in her brother’s eyes at her mother’s voice, especially since their mother wasn’t due back for another hour.

After the torch shut off, Katie could hear him scramble to put it back in their dad’s tool case. She could hear her mother’s footsteps approaching the garage.

Swiftly, he untied her hands and feet.

“I’ll kill you if you tell her,” Jay whispered before tearing off her mask. His words were terrifying because she knew he meant it.

Knowing a quick rip would cause her to scream, he attempted to take the tape off her mouth slowly. When the knob turned, he’d sworn under his breath, and took his hand off the tape.

Just as her mother opened the door, Jay faked laughter. “My turn next, okay? You’ve had your fun!”

Her mother’s steps down the creaking garage stairs came to an abrupt halt. Her eyes darted from Katie’s to Jay’s. “What’s going on in here?”

“We’re playing torture dungeon,” he answered playfully, “and Katie’s been playing victim too long.”

Her mother watched Katie’s helpless, desperate face, and the gray Gorilla tape that hid her lips. Alarm filled her mother’s face as she watched Katie’s bulging eyes and muffled pleas. She stared at Jay, who maintained his fictitious smile. Her eyes lingered on him, then flickered to Katie and back again.

“…Jay?” she swallowed, discomfort clear in her voice.

“Yes, Mother?” he responded with his hands behind his back.

“Don’t... be too rough with your sister.” She cleared her throat, casting one final look at Katie.

“This game is over. Both of you come help with the groceries.”

January 7th, 2024

“So, this is it,” the tall, handsome man in front of Katie stated. His fingers buried deep in his coat.

“I guess it is,” she replied.

It seemed they both sensed something was off in the relationship, and Katie was just the first to address the issue. He didn’t appear fazed by the breakup; the slow nod he gave suggested he had seen it coming. Katie hadn’t felt deeply for anyone since her high school boyfriend, Lincoln Riles, whom she had followed to college in Virginia. They broke up just two weeks later. Katie vowed that would be the last time she would ever move to a place where she hadn’t known anyone, and the last time she’d move anywhere for a man.

He turned away without another word; his shoes crunched into the snow. Katie walked opposite him, traveling under the succession of lamp posts aligning the street. Along the narrow road were the conjoined buildings still adorned with holiday wreaths and Christmas lights; It was the typical scene in Sperry, Virginia, in early January.

She dug her numb fingers deeper into the pockets of her red trench coat as she approached her apartment complex.

Katie had become used to the same result happening over and over again with past relationships. She was surprised this one lasted as long as it did. Nobody seemed to have what she was looking for. Was it too much to ask for some ambition, stability, maturity, or direction? The man walking opposite her had lacked them all.

Katie couldn’t help but blame herself. She had focused on her career throughout her 20s, studying hard while pulling all-nighters and becoming one with caffeine. She had put off serious dating so long she feared that the men who possessed all the qualities she wanted were gone. This struggle was the reality of dating in her 30s.

The lobby of her apartment complex was nearly empty. Most residents were probably huddled in their units, keeping warm on a cold night like this.

Mr. Jones, who’d lived alone on the 6th floor, approached her. He was a brown-skinned, middle-aged man with a shiny bald head. Divorced twice, he was a friendly neighbor who occasionally had his kids come visit him—kids from which former wife, Katie didn’t know. He took out a napkin from the pocket of his black overcoat and sneezed into it. “Hi, Katie,” he said, sniffling in passing.

“Hello,” she replied, discreetly shifting to the side.

The elevator opened on the third floor. She walked the dark and narrow corridor to her unit; the faint noise of kids bustling had grown louder as she approached. They’d come from unit 305, where a couple with young kids lived.

Katie dug inside her purse just before she arrived at 311. She set her purse down on the counter and checked her missed calls. All of them were from her younger sister, Max.

With the phone secure between her cheek and shoulder, she unbuttoned her red coat, placing it on the bar chair.

When the call had gone to voicemail, Katie put the phone in her back pocket and opened the kitchen cabinet door. Her hand slowly moved past the red wine bottle, grabbing spices instead. The recipe she was about to prepare would indeed go well with wine. However, since she’d used alcohol as a crutch in the past, she’d quit drinking altogether. She hadn’t even had a beer since college. The wine bottle sat in her cabinet now for guests mostly, and as a mere reminder of her success and self-control. There were so many memories of her drinking to numb the pain of the past. She’d rue the day she ever went back to it.

The phone vibrated on the counter. Katie was sure it had to be Max. When she looked at the ID on the screen, her suspicion was confirmed.

“Hello?”

“Hi, Katie!” Max’s tone was high-pitched and extra sweet, like she’d wanted something.

“Hi,” Katie muttered, her tone flat.

“So, as you know, I got a job in Stockholm….”

Katie was silent on the other end, waiting for Max to make her request.

“I wanna get some of the family together. Like both a reunion and a going away-party.”

Max knew Katie didn’t do reunions or any family events. Besides Max, Katie hadn’t kept in contact with anyone in her family for years. Having lost 100 pounds since then nobody would recognize her anyway. They’d likely ask questions about her weight that she’d be forced to answer. Questions like What did you do to lose it, and how long did it take? Initially, the inquiries from high school friends and acquaintances had given her a sense of pride for her accomplishment, but after a while the comments had grown tiresome. Katie didn’t like talking about herself. She’d learned to be a solid listener of other people, and that’s what she was good at.

“Maxine,” Katie said. If only Max could see her expression through the phone. “No.”

Max, Katie’s naive 24-year-old sister never gave up easy. Max was used to getting what she wanted. The parents of theMackenna children spoiled their youngest daughter almost rotten. It was like once they’d realized their parenting style had failed on Katie and Jay, they gave up and supplied Max with anything she wanted, and now she didn’t comprehend the concept of no.

“Okay, I know this is a lot to ask Katie, but please please please be there for me. Mom’s not doing well, and this may be the last time you see her alive. Maybe it could be a chance to reconcile, ya know?”

Katie didn’t know which was worse, Max using Ruth’s illness as a way of manipulation or the fact that it was working. Ruth’s leukemia had become untreatable. If Katie saw her at Max’s going away party in Huntley, it might very well be the last time.

Though her relationship with her mother wasn’t spectacular, the thought of seeing one specific family member was notably alarming.

Her body tensed. She bit down on her lip so hard she expected it to bleed. It had been so long since she’d mentioned the name of her brother. Suddenly an image popped into her mind. 12-year-old Jay Mackenna was being escorted out of their childhood home by her father. Jay froze at the doorframe to look back at her. His chilling smirk had caused her to flinch. Katie knew the message he wanted to give her was in that expression alone. She’d worked so hard to learn to put away those memories that’d haunted her all her life. She knew she would never be rid of them completely, but after years of struggling and counseling, she’d learned to put them in their proper place. Katie wondered what Jay would be like now that it had been so long.

It’d been over 20 years since she’d last seen him. Of course he’d look different physically, but Katie wondered about his psyche. Was he normal? Patient? Kind or charming? Was he any of the things people assumed he was just by looking at his captivating eyes and warm smile? She wouldn’t know nor believe it unless she went.

“Will Jay be there?” she asked.

Neither Katie nor Max spoke, creating a painful silence.

“Yes,” Max finally answered, sighing under her breath. “Yes, Jay will be there.”

Again, there was silence.

“Look, you don’t have to come, but I’d love it if you did. I gotta go.”

With that, Max hung up. Katie tossed her phone on the black couch, where it bounced and landed on the carpet.

She sat on the couch next to Casper, an American Curl cat with fur white as snow. Sitting still, he watched her as his tail lightly swayed. As the tall mug of tea spun in the microwave, her mind had leaped from scene to scene in her head, revisiting old memories of terror at the hands of her brother. She took her reading glasses off and rested them on top of her dark bangs, sighing to herself. Her brown eyes had once again met Casper’s baby blues. “What?” she asked.

He jumped down as if he’d just been insulted, trotting toward the kitchen.

As she sank further on the couch, her thoughts had returned to her home life back in Huntley. For years, Jay had gone undetected. Her concerns about him had been dismissed by Ruth and Allen until they were both unexpectedly faced with the truth. The incident in the garage as children was one of the last memories Katie had of Jay. In the following weeks after that, Katie’s parents caught him in an inexplicable position. Left with no choice, Ruth and Allen had finally sent their oldest child away. His first destination was to his grandparent’s house, and when that didn’t work, a reform school, and then finally a bible college.

Katie hadn’t seen her brother since she was eight years old. She’d received many texts from him over the years though, and only a few had she actually read. They were meant only to stir up fear and paranoia in her, promising to get her back for causing him to be sent away. As much as she tried to put the threats deep within the back of her mind, they would still pop up every now and then, causing many sleepless nights and provoking her to take every pill known to man to calm herself from fear and stress. She never knew when it would be her time, when her brother would finally come back to finish what he’d said he would.

She didn’t hate her brother. She didn’t despise him either. She was scared to death of him.