Hidden faces (Duskwood)

Small boxes were lined up precisely side by side on the shelves. The warnings on their packagings had no effect, because although one resisted as much as one wanted, the idea of such a quick escape from stress was exceedingly tempting. At least it was for me. Clock on the wall ticked simultaneously with the notifications of incoming messages on my cell phone - I had only turned it off for a few hours, and in that time it managed to accumulate a lot of messages. Not surprisingly, because the identification of Amy’s body upset everyone. So far, our investigation had only dealt with kidnapping. None of us would have thought anything worse could happen... This new discovery completely shattered our certainties and awakened something that neither of us wanted to admit. And it wasn’t easy for anyone to accept the risk of death.

With my jaw clamped tightly together, my eyes wandered to Marlboro again. It would be such an easy relief, though certainly not the right one. Moreover, with my current feelings, I was in danger of smoking half a packet during the night. If Jake was here, he’d definitely talk me out of it... But he wasn’t. He disappeared. As if it wasn’t enough that he was never physically here and I always had to fight the thought that I might never meet him in person. Suddenly, he just... wasn’t at all... And I wasn’t even sure if he was ever coming back. Lilly and I did our best to correct her mistake and help her brother escape his pursuers. And while the results seemed promising, there was no sign of my- our hacker. Lilly blamed herself for it, and although she had a hand in it, I felt sorry for her. Even though her decision was rash and stupid, she was just worried about her sister, and I could understand that.

A sigh left my mouth. Suddenly everything started to fall apart like a house of cards. And just when I was about to- ,,Are you just going to stand there or are you finally going to buy something?” uttered the annoyed salesgirl behind the counter. My gaze dropped from the cigarettes to her bored face. She certainly loved her job with her whole body and soul.

With another sigh, I stepped closer to the counter and tossed a bar of chocolate and a can of iced tea onto it. If I didn’t have a car waiting for me outside, I’d definitely grab something with alcohol in it. ,,And-” No, he wouldn’t want you to fall for something so stupid. “Actually, nothing. Just this,” I finally said, rubbing my face tiredly.

I didn’t get it. It’s been a while since a man was behind any of my decisions. After a few disappointments in high school, when no boy could keep a single fucking promise, I decided to become selfish. This also applied to potential friends. For a long time, I had no need to put someone else’s wishes before my own, nor did I particularly desire to. Every day I looked in the mirror knowing that the only person who controlled my life was myself. And suddenly here I am, standing in a gas station in the middle of the night, contemplating breaking my three-year smoke-free era. All because of a couple of people who came into my life through a phone.

The saleswoman lazily took the offered banknote and rolled her eyes at me. If I had any more mental strength, I’d send her to the inappropriate places. I picked up the few coins she placed on the counter and walked to my car with my purchase.

The outside of the gas station was completely empty. Other than my Mustang, two gas pumps, a lamp, and an out-of-service car wash, there was nothing. The only evidence of life’s presence was me and a screaming bird somewhere in the distance. It might have been scary to some, but to me it brought a longed-for peace. I hadn’t been afraid of the dark for a long time, and I knew enough about the things that lurked there not to be terrified of them.

I climbed into the car and leaned wearily back in my seat. My gaze wandered to the rear-view mirror, causing me to curse. I looked terrible. Lack of sleep had taken its toll on me with circles under my eyes and dry, pale skin. I hadn’t washed my hair for a week, so I wore it in a not-so-sleek ponytail for the last few days. What a wreck... The latest series of events has been more confusing than I would have expected. Attack on Jessy, Dan’s crash, Lilly’s video, Phil’s arrest, and most importantly... Jake’s disappearance. His presence was the last thing that kept me sane. And now that he was gone... What if he was actually caught? What if I can’t help him anymore?

I hit the steering wheel angrily and then hid my face in my hands. He just couldn’t be gone. There’s a lot I haven’t told him yet. He didn’t know what new things I’d discovered in my search. I didn’t even have time to tell him anything about me. He had no idea who I was, or what my hair, or my eyes looked like... And I wanted him to know. I wanted him to know every part of me - even the parts I was desperately trying to suppress.

I stifled a sob, blinking away the newly forming tears, and started the car. I had to get away. At least for a moment to hide somewhere away from the world and to be alone with my stormy thoughts. The car’s engine roared loudly and soon I was speeding away down the road.

The panel on the dashboard read exactly 2:30 in the morning, which meant that I was truly and completely out of my mind. I’ve always been a night owl, but sleep has always been sacred to me. Whatever I was doing at the time, whatever my job was, there was always time and space for a quality nap. But these two weeks have been different... Every day I went to bed with the fear that when I woke up, someone else would disappear. The events of yesterday only made things worse. I considered tonight the hardest night I’d ever had. After endlessly tossing and turning in bed and suppressing visions of my friends’ dead bodies, I locked myself in the bathroom for an hour and there I immersed myself in a tub of ice-cold water. Whatever I originally thought, it didn’t help. My reflection didn’t change, quite the opposite. After a long time, I stared in the mirror, not sure who I was looking at. It was as if something new was forming inside of me, while at the same time bringing back what I had buried a long time ago. How ridiculous and pathetic... I never thought I would be experiencing something like this. Eliza, my last real friend from high school, would definitely be very amused by my situation. If I hadn’t moved away from California years ago, I’d definitely be telling her everything that’s happened lately.

I drove to a meadow near my home and there, with chocolate and iced tea, I settled down on bales of straw. The sun wasn’t supposed to rise for another couple of hours, but I was going to wait. I wouldn’t be able to fall asleep at home anyway, and spending time in nature sounded more appealing than in the middle of the city. I snuggled into my warm jacket and the fluffy blanket I luckily had in the car, and leaned my back against a straw bale perched higher up.

The moon illuminated the wide meadow and the deep silence was broken only by the occasional hoot of an owl. It was so peaceful - the kind of peace I would like to experience all the time. At times like this, I’ve often imagined how simple life could be if none of this was happening. What if I were someone else? What if I had a completely different life and didn’t get involved in all of this? I’d just be a regular, normal girl who falls in love with a football player from the school team in college. We’d get married, get a house and a dog, preferably a Doberman, and have a few kids. No mysteries, no disappearances, no murders. No skeletons from the past... Would that be better?

No, my head rang. As much as I’d like to erase some things from my life, I’d be empty without the rest. The idea of not knowing Jesse and the others... Not knowing Jake... There was no such version of life for me anymore, of that I was certain.

I sniffled, stuffed another piece of chocolate in my mouth, and then pulled my phone out of my pocket. After all, it was time to face my fears and finally read the new messages after a few hours.

Jessy:

Can I call you?

Are you there?

Hello, Cali?

Still nothing?

Are you okay? I’m really scared right now.

It’s already evening, so I hope you just fell asleep.

Please call me as soon as you can! I’m so worried...

Dan:

You’re probably just asleep, but Jessy’s kinda freaking out so make sure to call her soon.

PS: If that hackerboy did something to you, I’m gonna find him and kill him. And also, if he did - I told you.

Lily:

Are you okay?

Please, please, please be online.

First Jake and now you...

I hope I’m just being dramatic.

I’ve had similar messages from others too. The group was literally overflowing with conspiracies about why I was absent, which made me feel extremely guilty. They didn’t deserve this. My selfishness made them all fear for my safety. Meanwhile, I was just feeling sorry for myself.

Hey, guys.

I’m fine!

I’m sorry, I’ve been busy and... Quite frankly, I needed to rest.

I didn’t mean to scare you. I’m so sorry.

I feel terrible right now.

I quickly typed in the group chat, and although I wasn’t expecting it at this hour, a notification immediately beeped to let me know it had been read. Surprisingly, it was Dan who first viewed my messages. With squinted eyes, I found his profile, and before I knew it, I was dialing his number. I don’t know what came over me, but as soon as i heard his voice on the other end, I felt slightly relieved. Maybe the medicine for my stress wasn’t cutting off from everyone, but the exact opposite.

,,Well, well...”

I couldn’t help smiling. ,,Isn’t a hospital bed comfortable enough or why are you up so late?”

,,I could ask you the same question, honey. I can’t get my ass out of bed all day, so I want everything but sleep. I feel like my biceps have shrunk by half in the time I’ve gone without moving,” he hummed discontentedly while something rustled in the background.

,,Wow, you’re about to be skinnier than Richy and Thomas!”

,,That’s never gonna happen! I won’t let that happen. Or do you think that’s possible? No, of course not, that’s stupid.”

I pulled one straw of hay from the bale beneath me and began to play with it, but it broke in an instant under the pressure of my fingers. Fragile, I thought. Like everything else. ,,I don’t think it’s possible that quickly,” I said to Dan, a little absently. But not many things have been possible lately, and yet they have happened.

,,Hopefully I’ll be going home soon,” he sighed, and then there was a tense silence for a few seconds. I suspected what he was going to say and was honestly afraid of it. ,,I’m glad you’re okay.”

,,Were you scared?” I didn’t forgive myself, though it probably wasn’t the time for such jokes.

,,Me? Hardly, more worried about the others. I don’t want to be a snitch, but Richy was a bit of a softie about it.”

,,And I was hoping you would shed a tear for me.” I was comfortable with Dan because the conversation with him didn’t always have to be completely serious. He could make fun of anything, even if he sometimes overdone it. I think he did it mostly so he wouldn’t have to admit his own feelings, which I understood - now more than ever. ,,I’m sorry I scared everyone. I just...” An icy gust of wind kissed my cheek, but that wasn’t the reason for my sudden shiver. I couldn’t finish the sentence. I didn’t even know what I wanted to say. And what I could even say.

,,Look, I’m not a good advisor, but I can listen, so talk. Daddy Dan is at your service,” he said as my silence began to lengthen.

Something between a sigh and a laugh escaped my lips. ,,I don’t know if I can describe it, Dan. You know, my head’s a crazy mess. I don’t know what to feel first. Fear, anger, joy, sadness... There’s so many things, and I’m constantly mixing one emotion with another. These days, all the certainties of my life are being shaken to their foundations. I want to help as much as I can, but sometimes I feel like I’m only making things worse. I question everything, I can’t sleep, and then I feel sorry for myself. One minute I’m telling myself I’m just overreacting and nothing major actually happened, and the next moment I’m blaming myself. All of a sudden, I feel... helpless, weak and lost. I can’t even define my condition. And I hate these feelings more and more.” I took a deep breath and the smell of hay went up to my nose. It was pleasant and relaxing, warm like a human embrace and so familiar. Although night was my element, I was momentarily overwhelmed but the desire for sun and for basking on the hot hay and watching flocks of birds in the blue sky. I longed to feel the life around me again. ,,I feel guilty for all the events of the last few days. I keep wondering how far it can go. I know this isn’t just about me, but what if I could stop all of this and I just don’t know how yet? If I’d done something, maybe you wouldn’t be in the hospital right now. Maybe Jessy wouldn’t have been attacked, Phil wouldn’t have been arrested, and Jake would still be here-”

,,Hey, hey, baby, take it easy! You’re starting to panic a little bit, Cali. Breathe in and out... It’s gonna be okay, all right?”

I did as he said and then tried to pretend that it brought me the desired calm. ,,I’m sorry. Other than Jake, I haven’t talked to anyone about how I really feel in a long time. I had forgotten that anxiety could be so strong.”

,,No, no, it’s okay. Look, I- Ah, fuck, I’m not good at this shit. I just... I get it, okay? Look, I and the rest of us are and will be okay, and that’s mostly to your credit. Your hackerboy is annoyingly persistent, so he’ll be back soon. And you don’t have to beat yourself up for feeling bad about what’s going on right now and needing a little break. I think all of us would like to put our feet up and forget all this. In the beginning, you were just a stranger, you had nothing to do with this, and yet you’re facing it with us.”

The eerily quiet landscape around me seemed to give him the benefit of the doubt. I really was a stranger at first... No one had yet been able to decipher how my number could have gotten to the others. Was it fate? Or was someone up there just taunting me? Whichever version was true, it was absurd. ,,I’m not normally too scared, do you trust me?”

,,Hell, I trust you. You’re a pretty tough cookie,” Dan laughed.

I grinned in amusement at his remark, though I wasn’t exactly laughing. ,,But now I am... Not the typical fear, like the one of spiders or lightnings or things like that. I mean the all-consuming fear that paralyzes your mind and body and strips you of all certainty over everything you know.”

,,Cali, everything that happened-”

,,It’s not so much about what happened,” I sighed and ran my eyes over the night landscape - peaceful, quiet, and dangerous. Bat wings fluttered in the air, their shadow cutting through the moonlight. Breathing in and out. ,,But what will happen.”

,,What do you think will happen?” he asked with considerable confusion.

I longed to answer him honestly, but the thought of his reaction was discouraging. Besides, Jake should be the first one I tell everything to. And even if he didn’t, Dan would surely think I’m crazy. There were no higher realms for him, he didn’t believe in the ability to predict. If I told him I could feel another, many times bigger, turning point coming into our lives, he wouldn’t take me seriously. He may not say it right away, but he’ll think it. I didn’t blame him, if I were him I would also choose the easy answers rather than those that go beyond basic human understanding. ,,There is no clear answer to that. But it won’t do any good...”

,,I don’t know you that depressed,” Dan remarked in a nervous voice. ,,I thought you were always the only one on top of things.”

I grinned and downed the rest of my iced tea in one gulp. ,,There’s a lot of emotion behind a simple text, Dan.” If you only knew.

,,But you’re hiding a lot more than that, aren’t you?”

The absurdity of his words made me laugh, which was anything but joyful. Sometime during my loud amusement, a few tears rolled down my face. I raised my hand to wipe them away and the blanket fell off my shoulders, whereupon a stinging frost enveloped my body. As we talked, I stopped noticing how cold it actually was. ,,I’m going to have to move into the warmth.”

,,You’ve been outside all this time?” Dan blurted out in horror.

I nodded, even though he couldn’t see it. ,,Yeah, can you believe it? I preferred the meadow and the straw to my own bed.”

Dan was immensely amused by my situation, and as I moved my stiff, frozen body back to the car, he kept taunting me. We spent the next hour having a slightly more positive conversation. He told me about his childhood, how he met everyone in the gang, and how many jobs he’s had in his lifetime. It was nice to deal with ordinary life instead of disappearances and murders, at least for a while.

Dan started teasing me again when I admitted to him that I was going to wait until dawn. He couldn’t understand why I wasn’t scared to be alone at night like this, and that I was willing to sacrifice valuable sleep for something I could see every day. Then he started laughing when I sent him to inappropriate places for his criticalness. ,,You’re too cute when you swear. By the way, you have a very pleasant voice, Cali. I’m honored to apparently be the first one to hear it.”

I rolled my eyes at him. ,,Your compliments don’t serve a purpose here, my dear friend.”

,,Oh, I forgot... That damn hackerboy is a lucky bastard. And if you’re as good looking as you sound, he’s hit the jackpot,” he uttered in annoyance. ,,Would he be jealous?”

Jake? Absolutely. ,,Maybe,” I shrugged.

,,Would you want him to be jealous?”

,,Dan!” I snapped in a reproachful tone. In fact, I was extremely attracted to the idea of a jealous Jake. I didn’t like narcissistic men who viewed their women as their property, but the thought of Jake making my unavailability known to others was too leg-crushing. In an instant, I flushed like a crab and tried not to notice the growing heat in my lap. ,,I should go now. And you should rest.”

,,Cali, you don’t have to be ashamed if hackerboy makes you horny. Or maybe you should-”

,,For God’s sake, Dan, just shut up!” I cursed, wanting to go hide somewhere. It was so embarrassing that Dan found me out so easily.

The idiot was making fun of me. ,,I knew it! I knew it!”

,,You’re an asshole, Dan. Goodbye,” I said, trying to sound cool even though I was consumed by shame and partly by Dan’s infectious amusement.

,,I love you too, shameless. Good night and wet drea-” I ended the call just before him finishing those awful words. As true as they were, it was so humiliating to hear them. Plus, it only underscored the fact that Jake wasn’t here. As tempting as hot fantasies about him were, he couldn’t fulfill them. At least for now.

...

I don’t even know how I managed to fall asleep. The position behind the wheel wasn’t very comfortable and my head was full of restless thoughts. Although sleep seemed unlikely at first, in reality I was extremely exhausted and if it weren’t for my ringing cell phone, I would have probably slept for another couple of hours.

I slowly widened my eyes and smiled at the sight of the pink sky and the rising sun outside the car windshield. I couldn’t be mad at the caller, because he picked a great time to wake me up. I reached over to the phone on the dashboard and squinted in surprise at the display, which was lit up with a photo of a blond man.

,,Hi, Richy! Is everything okay? Why are you calling so-”

,,Cali, I’m so sorry, I don’t want to wake you up and I don’t want to cause a fuss, but... I’m sure this is going to sound stupid, but I think- No, I’m sure someone’s watching me,” he blurted out. He was distraught, his voice shaky and brimming with fear. The beauty of awaking quickly took its toll and my insides contracted again due to the growing anxiety. Richy was in danger, and he called me. And apparently he was confident that I could help him.