Chapter 1
I thought I had peace, but this spiritual warfare kept me at war. Sometimes I was good, real good at educating my people and connecting with the spirit. Then old thoughts will resurface out of nowhere and I would be very bad. My life as a child was turmoil, going back and forth to foster homes, not knowing my siblings, and my mama doing things to me that made me feel like I shouldn’t have any respect for women. I was mentally stuck. Being good brought me peace. Being bad satisfied my pleasures and desires. It wasn’t like I didn’t know better cause I did, and then, the majority of the time I felt like it wasn’t up to me, I couldn’t do this by myself, which way should I go the left or the right you decide.
First off, I came from a nothing-ass mama, and her Crack head mama was shit neither. So maybe it was in my destiny to be nothing too. My mama was Maryann. She was once a beautiful red bone with brown bouncy short curls, smart, clean and she had dreams. But like me she let life bring her down from the mistreatment of her mama Carol. I wasn’t here yet and glad I wasn’t, but I knew how much of a bad example she was.
It was in the middle of the 80s when Crack cocaine was popping. Maryann was Carol’s first and only child. Most people thought that Carol was sometimes jealous of Maryann considering how beautiful she was. Her daddy was a white man that Carol slept with to buy a rock and ended up with this beautiful girl. Maryann had always known what her mama was doing cause men were running in and out of the house. She was very smart at a young age. Maryann cooked for herself, she washed her clothes, and at the age of 9, she knew how to cook a full Thanksgiving meal with no assistance.
Carol had been doing Crack for years and everyone knew that she wasn’t giving up her habit even if it meant losing her daughter.
When Maryann was 12, she started to notice this young guy they call E around his early 20’s always around even sometimes spending the night. Carol had moved him in and this boyfriend was her daily supply. He supplied her with any drug she wanted and she didn’t have to pay, maybe only with sex.
Years went by and nothing had changed Maryann had to take care of the whole house like she was an adult, she got sick of it and started only doing it for herself. So what if her mama was too high to wash her bloody panties or her boyfriend’s musky boxers?
After a while, Maryann started feeling uncomfortable. She was 16 and becoming a young lady. Her body was beginning to fill out and Eric had started winking his eye at her, trying to play with her he wasn’t considered a step daddy so where was it coming from he was with her mother, nor did she feel like telling her mom would do any good, she barely knew who came in and out of her house.
“Dame E, let me get a hit right quick before I go to this appointment,” she said following him around the house
“Hell naw, I’m done giving you freebies, and getting that old ass coochie of yours, them days ova baby”
Maryann walked into the kitchen to get a drink
“Shit, nigga you know I ain’t got no money til the 15th, I’ll pay you then cmon na”
“Hell naw, I might not be alive then I want my Shit up front,I told you
I wasn’t fucking with you like that no more I meant that.”
E stood there licking his lips staring at Maryann at the refrigerator. He took a seat at the table
“Okay, I’ll make you a deal, but if you don’t take it I’m out for good”
“What man hurry up I gotta go?”
“Let me get lil mama ova here,” he said rubbing his hands together
“What?” They both asked
“Let me get Maryann and I’ll give you what you want with interest”
“Her?, cmon you don’t want her, she ain’t experienced at all, she only 16”
“Well, that’s my deal, you don’t have to take it”
He got up from the table
“Wait, wait, wait E” she went running after him
“Alright, let me talk to her”
Carol went over to Maryann
“No, I’m not sleeping with him to support your habit”
She proceeds to walk out of the kitchen with a sandwich in her hand, carol grabs her arm
“look you in my house, my damn house, and you are gone do what I tell you you gone do, now go in the room or you can get out”
Maryann looked at her mama
“I hate you”
“That’s fine”
Maryann throws her plate to the floor and goes to her room, E gets up and follows her, and Carol follows him
“No, you wait out here, I’ll have it for you when I’m done”
Carol hears her daughter crying, moments later E returns from the room zipping up his pants, and he throws down the cocaine to the floor, Carol grabs it and runs out the door.
This became a constant routine. Whenever Carol wanted a fix Maryann paid for it, and every time Carol would leave the house and let E do whatever to her daughter. He had damaged her in many ways. A prize she wanted to give to her husband was taken right up under her mama’s nose. No one knew of the horrible acts that went on in the home, and no one came around to even check up on her. Family had distanced themselves from Carol and her lifestyle, Maryann was alone until she graduated from high school at 18 and ran away.
With nowhere to go, Maryann didn’t care, she got sick of the abuse and went to a shelter where she would meet the love of her life.
His name was Anthony, he was 5 years her senior and a gentleman. Men like him didn’t exist where she came from. Anthony was sweet, respectful, ambitious, and loving. Anthony was her comforter, she shared her life with him, and they would both cry in each other’s arms about the lives they had lived and still managed to be sane. Maryann enrolled in community college for Certified Nursing Assistant and Anthony went to EMI training to become a firefighter. Anytime they weren’t studying they were spending time together.
Maryann knew that from now on her life would be better and in no way was she going to ever involve her mama. Maryann could have easily let the life she had consume her, but she knew better. She was often told she was beautiful and an intelligent girl, that was what she held on to.
It had been one year that Maryann and Anthony met. Maryann got a job at a grocery store and Anthony worked at a mechanic shop. While both go to school to pursue their lifelong careers. After months of saving up, they moved into their first apartment together. Maryann was the happiest she had been ever in her life. Time flew and they had been seeing each other for 3 years. Anthony treated her like his queen and Maryann treated him like her king, it was a life they never saw coming.
On Christmas Eve Maryann surprised Anthony, she was 3 months pregnant. Anthony was excited about his first child with the love of her life he asked Maryann to marry him. It was a happy moment but Maryann felt sadness come over her. It wasn’t because of Anthony, she wanted to share this incredible time with her mama but that was never going to happen her mind was so gone she didn’t care about herself let alone her first grandchild, it was a bittersweet feeling.
It had been 5 months since Maryann and Anthony found out there was going to be a new edition and that it was a boy, Anthony went out and bought his first everything. He was going to be a good father.
Maryann was on paternity leave at her job, and Anthony was a full-time firefighter. Anthony loved his job, but Maryann felt it was dangerous, which gave Anthony something to think about. Anthony wanted to see his son grow up, so he put in his two-week notice but continued to be on call.
Anthony and Maryann lie in bed at 3 am after making love. They enjoyed mid-morning lovemaking, Anthony always said the coochie marinates at night and the early mornings were the best. The phone rings.
“Hello” Anthony answers
“Anthony we need your help”
He jumps up
“What’s wrong”
“It’s bad hurry up” he hangs up
Anthony jumps out of bed
“I’m sorry baby it’s an emergency”
Maryann sucks her teeth
“I can’t wait until this is over”
“I know baby, I promise I will call you when it’s over”
He kisses her and runs out the door. writing here…
