In this Sweet Madness

2030

Pain became obsolete the day it allowed void to accompany it on its journey. The latter significantly outweighs the former. Subduing it with ease, strengthening its own capacity and creating havoc when it taps into its fullest potential. Absence constantly reveals its presence; nothing becomes everything and the yearn for non-existence becomes the nature of one’s existence. Pain becomes null and void, whilst bit by bit, void gradually morphs into the perfect abyss.

The mosquitoes were starting to become a nuisance, and it was only then, that I realized how lost in this abyss I was. Many hours had gone by. It was dark, and Iwanderedwhere the sun went. I wasn’t one of the many lying cold, lifeless or maybe even forgotten, but it felt as if I were. I thought about my life and where things went awfully wrong. Where was my mother when I needed her to wave her magic wand and make everything OK? But after I leave, Mom will still be here. Just like all the others who laid 6 feet under at the Meadowrest Memorial Park In St. Catherine. For years I couldn’t find the strength or courage to enter through the gates of Meadowrest. Today I did and my cheeks effortlessly wore the agonizing colours of void. I was a mixture of sorrow, as I stood reminded of an anguish that was more intense than anything I had ever experienced. As my head involuntarily hung itself, I laid eyes on the fresh arrangement of flowers. Guilt flowed down my cheeks in an unbroken stream. I thought about everyone that I had failed. There were so many things I wished I had done or said, so many things I wished I hadn’t done or said. And so many moments I wished with all my heart that I had not forsaken.

“Alexis…my word, is that you?” and with that all my thoughts were interrupted. I spun around, my head tilting upwards to identify the voice that towered from inches above me. I was greeted by the most caring pair of eyes, and I did my best to smile. When I finally found my voice, it creaked like a gallows chain. “Travis, what are you doing around this side of town? His smile transmitted his warm spirit, and it reminded me of the days when he would push me on the swing or run around on the lawn with me on his back. His features changed considerably since the last time I saw him some eight years ago, nevertheless, his face was the epitome of compassion and instantly I remembered why I considered him to be the brother I never had. “We laid a friend of mine to rest this evening...and I promised mom, I would stop by this area...she tries to visit whenever she can” He spoke with an upbeat smile, but his words still pounded on the icy exterior of my heart and mind. It felt good to know that the spot had not been forgotten. “I am really sorry for your loss Travis, how is Aunt Greta doing? “Forgetting that she quit the bench If you ask me” he said with a smile “But how about you? How are you doing Alexis, I haven’t seen you since the wedding.” I searched for an answer, but a single tear escaped my desperate attempt of restraint, and immediately after, the rest followed in an unbroken stream. In a split second his arms miraculously made their way around me. I inhaled slowly as I allowed my body to dissolve into my cousin’s embrace. For some strange reason, that warm embrace and the musky lavender scent he gave off, provided one of the best feelings I had felt in years.

As I gently eased away trying not to make too much of a mess of his shirt, he placed both hands on my shoulders prompting us to make eye contact. Our eyes made four. “It’s been years Alexis, cry if you must but don’t you stop living little sis.” Amidst my spasmodic gasps for breath, his words made very little sense, but he continued: “Hey look at me Alexis, you need to start picking up the pieces of your life, it’s the only way you’re gonna move forward.”. With tear-stained cheeks and swollen eyes I managed to find what was left of my voice. “Forty five and this pain seems to only get more intense with time. How is this even possible Travis? “Alexis, death is for all, but life is not, and I want you to always remember these words. The fact that you are alive today means that you still have a purpose and chances to do things that no one lying here at Meadowrest can. The pain won’t go away, it won’t lessen with time, you won’t get over it like some people preach, but you can and will get through it. So grieve if you must, let it all out. Just don’t stop living; don’t lose yourself in the process. He spoke with great conviction, and I knew his words came from a place of equally deep anguish, “How did you guys’ cope?” I heard myself ask. I saw a single tear fall from his eye, and it tore at my emotions. Prior to this, I had never seen him cry. Not even the day I sat next to him in the nursery, working diligently in silence as we packed all the contents of the room into boxes ready for donation. He stared intensely into the thin air, and I could tell he was choosing every word wisely. Finally, he looked me in the eye. “It’s a strategy...learning every day to live around the huge gap of her absence and not falling through it” he said.

I couldn’t pretend that I knew what Travis had been enduring for over two decades. Likewise, I didn’t expect him or anyone else to even begin to understand what I was going through. What I did know was that he had traded in his turntable for a career behind the pulpit, which meant that very soon he would start quoting scriptures from the Bible and reminding me of the importance of repentance and seeking salvation. I was certain that someone somewhere was more deserving of a chance to repent than I did, and it was only fair that I left that slot available for them. There was also the comfort in my realization that nothing could be worse than what I had been enduring for the past nineteen years. Not even the idea of burning in an everlasting fire in hell doomed to eternal damnation. Still, I couldn’t help thinking that if there was actually a way to live around the gap without falling through it, Like I have, I’d very much like to give it a try. I looked at Travis, but for some reason couldn’t bring myself to ask. He looked at me and sighed heavily, as he seemed to have gathered all my thoughts. I couldn’t find the words, so my eyes exploded with their own language.

“You have to let it all out Alexis...and it begins with talking” He finally said. I stared at him, fury fueling through my veins, mostly because I knew he was right, because I knew I wasn’t ready and perhaps the most terrifying of which, was because I had never spoken about it before. Travis took me by the hand as he led the way to a nearby bench. Darkness had taken over the park and the multitude of people who had been around hours earlier, had drastically diminished. We sat in perfect silence. My head rested on his shoulders as his words resonated throughout my thoughts. He took my hand into his and for a moment I felt guarded...safe.

A slight tremor overtook my body, and I could no longer hold it in. I screamed in agony as my head banged back and forth on his shoulder. It was therapeutic. The darkness remained the same, but after a while the air was different. It became crispy cold and was somewhat crushed by a divergent density. Slowly I felt it all being resurrected. The darkness changed to light, then back to darkness and in the moment, I witnessed days, months and years all racing backwards before my eyes, like a tape in the VCR desperately reeling its way back to where it all began. The unmeasured depths of time tugged and pulled at all that the depths of my heart had concealed. The void disappeared bit by bit, before coming to a screeching halt at a place where I was free from the weight and strain of everything. The moment I opened my mouth, I became an empty shell, simply bearing witness to someone else’s account of my life 20 years ago.

Get ready for a powerful, heart-wrenching journey!In This Sweet Madnesswill be available on April 1, 2025. Don’t miss out—grab your copy on Inkitt, Wattpad, and Amazon Kindle!