Customize readability
Aa

Chilling Sparks [MxM]

All Rights Reserved ©

Summary

Dive into a world of heartfelt connections and tender moments with this collection of short MxM romance stories. Each tale explores the beauty of love between men, capturing the essence of romance in its many forms. Whether it's a chance encounter or a long-awaited reunion, these stories will warm your heart and leave you yearning for more.

Status
Complete
Chapters
8
Rating
n/a
Age Rating
18+

Naïve

rating: explicit

warnings: implied abuse/bullying [not graphic]


“There you go,” the woman said with a smile that was just on that side of too bright, and Evan frowned. His childhood friends often jokingly said he was far too naïve for his own good, but even though it was pretty accurate, his brain was swarmed with suspicions when this blonde woman shoved a piece of paper before him to sign. “A signature here and on the next page and that would be it, kid.”

He took the pen from her hand, while his eyes ran over the page, but nothing seemed like a clear reason behind the surprising eagerness in that smile.

Don’t look gifted horse in the mouth, he sighed internally, shoving down the apprehension as he signed the documents in the marked spots. Can’t be worse than before, anyway…

No sooner than he thought that, he swore in thought, hoping that he didn’t just jinx himself as he pushed the paperwork back across Mrs. Haine’s – as announced by the plaque on it – desk and smiled hesitantly, picking up the set of keys. The keys she offered with another too-bright grin.

“Again,” he started, wrapping his fingers around the two identical keys, while simultaneously pushing his chair back. “I’m sorry for the inconvenience, Mrs. Haine. I wouldn’t…”

“Nonsense!” she beamed again, and Evan winced, involuntarily both intrigued and wary of the way her brown eyes seemed full of relief. “As the poster outside says, any student who isn’t pleased with the room he was assigned to is free to ask for relocation, yes?”

…but those were usually taking months, he was tempted to argue, but instead forcibly kept his mouth shut. Mostly because he was more than not ‘pleased’ with his assigned room in the dorm.

More like, since he moved in, he was fucking miserable and hyperaware that his – assigned alongside his room – roommate sucked. It took him a month to build up the courage to request reassignment and he should be fucking thrilled that Mrs. Haine – the elderly woman with a reputation for making such changes as rare as humanly possible – proved to be surprisingly cooperative.

“Yes,” he nodded toward her instead of potentially risking that she would have a change of heart. “So... Room 707?” He read the tag attached to the keys and convinced himself that his wariness didn’t spike with the way her smile threatened to split her face in half. “When can I move?” He asked, standing up and pushing the empty chair back to her desk. He picked up his backpack and tossed it over his shoulder, then shoved his hands in the pockets of his hoodie. The number of the room suggested that it should be situated on the last floor of the dorm, which though inconvenient, would be great considering that his previous room was on the ground floor. It was fucking weird, though, taking into account the rumors that circulated the whole building about the last floor.

The ‘rumors,’ because in a month since he moved in, Evan didn’t think that he met anyone who even was on the last floor. The common two elevators to his knowledge went only as far as the sixth floor, while the third – he had never seen anyone use – required a special access card.

A card – matte black – he now watched the blonde woman put into an envelope alongside the signed papers and then put the whole thing in front of him.

“At your convenience, Mr. King,” she offered with another blinding grin when he somewhat warily picked up the envelope then shoved it in the pocket of his backpack.

“Even… today?” He asked, fixing the bag over his shoulder and putting his hands back in his pockets. He could only imagine that he sounded hopeful – because he was and his friends and family always poked fun at the fact the he was easy to read.

“Of course,” the woman replied easily, then waved him toward the door of her office. “The card I put in the envelope serves to operate the third elevator in the lobby,” she confirmed his earlier thought and Evan nodded involuntarily, looking between her and the door. “You should consider yourself very lucky, Mr. King, because we normally charge the students for the rooms on that floor on a much higher rates than the normal price covered by your stipend. But… Well, you seem like someone who I was just looking for. Your track record suggests that you should appreciate the rules on the seventh floor far easier than the long list of students requesting to be transferred there.”

“I…” he hesitated, then sighed and asked anyway. “I mean… why? Why me? What rules?”

“I put the list in there, too,” she motioned to his backpack, and then her smile turned slightly comforting. “But there’s no reason to look so worried, kid. By both your grades and the reason you put in your application, I surmised that you will easily adapt to the rule of no parties or noisy guests, yes?”

“…very easily,” he agreed, relaxing a little and smiling shyly. “I… Um, like I wrote, it was difficult to focus on studying this past month. And that being a reason why I’m here…” he trailed off with a helpless shrug. He didn’t dare to write the real reason why he needed to change rooms. Mostly because he was nervous about it somehow coming back to bite him if his current roommate decided to consider it snitching.

Evan didn’t need much time to figure out that the ground floor was an unofficial center of ‘social’ life in the dorm. The first night and the party that raged until dawn taught him that all too well. Especially when he spent good portion of that night with a pillow over his ears, trying to block out the noise of his roommate going at it with some girl on the other side of the room. Officially, the girls weren’t even allowed into the all-male dorm, while having an all-woman dorm on the other side of the campus. But, yeah, the official rules mattered little to the rowdy crowd of drunk and horny students.

…and the very next morning after that party, his roommate – much taller and stronger than him – with a painfully precise punch taught him the price of complaining. And it only went downhill from that point. A month of constant ridicule, sneering, and occasional beating, whenever Evan tried to stand up for himself, was more than enough to give him a lesson he didn’t but should anticipate when moving here from a small town. Because while quite athletic, as he always liked to run through the forest surrounding their town with his best friend, he was pretty damn short. By that alone, his roommate, Saul, had an unfair advantage he wasn’t shy about using. What was worse, though, was that the tall blonde male seemed to genuinely get a kick out of terrorizing him.

“Precisely,” Mrs. Haine beamed at him and Evan winced, shaking out of thoughts. “There are fewer rooms – and boys – on the seventh floor, but they are all paying extra money for the silence and comfortable environment for study. And the boy you’re going to share a room with specifically is very picky about that. I mean… you happened to fit all the requirements he sent for a potential roommate, hence you should consider it a lucky coincidence.”

“I… Can you tell me his name?” He asked hopefully. He didn’t know many students even in the classes he attended, but his bestie, Ava, thrived on gossip since they got here. She also pestered him into requesting a room transfer, while having the luck of sharing a room with her twin brother in the city surrounding the campus.

The woman noticeably hesitated, glancing at the screen of the laptop on her desk tilted in a way that made Evan unable to see whatever was on it. Then she looked at him again, and perhaps seeing the mix of hope and fear that tightened his gut, her face got that comforting smile again.

“Normally, I wouldn’t but since you signed…” she said, then shook her head and that smile widened. “His name is Rayden Carter, kid. I don’t think you share any classes, but…” she trailed off and snorted, watching his expression. “I guess you did hear something?”

…something? Evan swallowed convulsively, then shook his head and fixed the bag over his shoulder, lowering his eyes to the desk between them and swearing in thought at how hot his face grew. She was wrong, though, since he did share a few classes with Rayden. He would just never dare to approach someone so… fucking perfect, much less imagine sharing a room with the man!

…not to mention that he was hyperaware that Rayden was Saul’s freaking nemesis, and the fact that the first day the blonde received a downright legendary beating was something of general knowledge about the campus.

Very tall, muscular, and downright beautiful, Rayden undeniably was considered the most popular guy in their year. But what’s more, even from far away, he seemed genuinely nice and good-natured… unless pissed off. Always surrounded by the ring of eager fans – mostly girls – between the classes, the occasional sound of his laughter never failed to draw Evan’s eyes, and Ava – who also shared some of these classes – teased him mercilessly about that.

She also very giddily shared with him and Alex the details about said legendary beating. According to her story, barely past the gate of the campus, Saul made the mistake of very crudely hitting on a girl Ava shared some of her other classes with. A girl, Chloe, who was the girlfriend of Rayden’s best friend, Joel, with both of them nearby. Ava who was at the time by the board with a posted list of the classes, accidentally in front of Chloe – who was a lovely girl with dark shoulder-length hair and green eyes – overheard Saul’s rude… remark about the girl’s bosom, and barely managed to move out of the way before an infuriated blonde guy with blue eyes pounced and took a much taller male down.

…to be – hilariously enough – pulled off Saul by cheerily grinning Rayden, just for the ink-haired dude to proceed to teach his friend about inflicting a maximum of pain while using the rude blonde as genie pig. Ava laughed later that when the security jumped in and separated them, it very much looked like two cats toying with a mouse – and genuinely disappointed when burly guards dragged their victim away. Hearing about that, Evan mostly regretted missing the show it had to be… especially later, whenever the blonde he had the misfortune to share a room with picked on him.

“…polite. I don’t believe that you’re going to have many issues with him,” the woman’s voice filtered into his awareness and Evan blinked rapidly, focusing his eyes on her smile. “Like I said, he requested to consider someone who is precisely like you, Mr. King. Quiet, calm, and focused on his studies. On your end, I will say that the only thing expected of you would be not to bother him.”

“I… understand,” he nodded while feeling a little bit numb inside. Then he shook up and smiled hesitantly. “Well, thank you for your help and understanding, Mrs. Haine. If you don’t mind, I’ll start packing,” he lied, considering that all his belongings were already neatly packed and waiting outside the door. Not that there was much of it in the first place, but using Saul’s absence and being genuinely fed up with him, Evan fully intended to stay at Ava’s and Alex’s apartment until his request was either fulfilled or denied. Even sleeping on the couch in their pretty small place sounded better than taking another day of abuse.

“Very well,” she replied, tapping on the keys of the laptop. “I’m going to send Mr. Carter an email that you signed the agreement. Have a nice evening, kid.”

“Thank you. You too,” he replied awkwardly and headed to the door. He stepped out of the office, then quietly closed the door behind him before picking up the bag sitting on the bench. Pretty heavy, it almost made him sway as he headed toward the elevators, feeling quite honestly surreal when he gingerly pushed that black card against the reader and the door of the third elevator slid open. Evan stepped into the cabin, and set the bag on the floor, avoiding looking at his reflection in the mirrors of the walls as he pressed the button corresponding with the seventh floor. And it felt only more absurd when those doors slid open again and his eyes ran over the interior outside the elevator. Mostly because it looked like it would fit more in a damn expensive hotel rather than being similar to the messy corridors on the ground floor.

It was almost weird how quiet it was as he walked across the plush carpet laid out in front of the rooms, looking at the numbers displayed beside the door. The space between them alone suggested that the rooms had to be considerably bigger than what he was used to… and he would be a fucking liar not to admit – at least in thought – that his stomach filled with butterflies when he stopped in from of the room 707 and swallowed convulsively.

…heard something? He repeated in thought, pulling out the keys from the pocket of his hoodie and aiming for the lock. His heart just about stopped beating when, before he could open the door, they were pulled open. He looked up and was instantly blinded by the beauty of the face – and smile – that haunted his dreams since the first time he saw them.

…and Evan had just about less than a second to open his mouth before he was unceremoniously grabbed by the collar of his hoodie and dragged into the room and pulled into a crushing hug.

Finally,” Rayden snorted and buried his nose in Evan’s hair, wrapping his arms around him into a cage.

“I can’t breathe,” he muttered into the black t-shirt and involuntarily grinned when an amused huff teased his ear.

“Tough luck, babe,” he was told with a playful swat over his ass and flushed up to his hairline, though still pressing closer to the source of radiating heat.

“How much did you pay Ava?” He accused, narrowing his eyes as he pulled back and looked up, simultaneously pushing his hands into the back pockets of Rayden’s jeans. And despite his so-called naivety, for once he wasn’t fooled by the innocent flutter of jet-black lashes unable to veil the amusement of blue eyes.

Literally nothing,” he was told with a far too-toothy grin. “She volunteered to convince you to apply for the room transfer all on her own.”

While that he could somewhat believe that grin was still too fucking innocent for his liking.

Who did you pay, then?” He asked, frowning. Then he attempted to look around Rayden. “And didn’t you share the room with…?” He started and the rest of that question trailed off to a gasp when the taller male tilted his head and kissed him. His brain instantly logged off, filled with nonsensical noise as he closed his eyes. His right hand by itself climbed to drown in inky hair at the back of Rayden’s head, both fisting and pulling him closer as he unconsciously climbed to his toes. The furious thump of his heartbeat and the maddening vibration of a raspy groan made his whole body melt and he couldn’t bring himself to resist the heat, only vaguely aware of how Rayden’s hands unzipped his hoodie and jeans. The big and hot hand pushed under the material, under his boxers, and possessively curved over his buttock, pulling him closer before Rayden raised his head and licked his cheek.

“Your fault for being so fucking stubborn,” he heard through the fog and blinked slowly, while Rayden’s left hand raised goosebumps when it wrapped around his neck. “And not like Joel minded moving, babe, with incentive of sharing a perfectly comfortable apartment with Chloe.”

“I’m not… s-stubborn,” he managed, closing his eyes again, while all too aware of both his scorching blush and that hard hand kneading his flesh and forcing his body into more than pleasant rhythm of rubbing against that taller, harder body. “Who s-sane would move in with someone only after a day…?” He asked and his face flamed hotter when Rayden snorted a little mean chuckle. And hotter, when two of those long fingers rimmed his opening and then effortlessly pushed inside him. “S-Stop… I mean… I didn’t have t-time for sh-shower…” he stammered and choked on the moan when those digits curled just on a perfect way to put maddening pressure on his prostate.

“Mmm,” If anything, the raspy satisfaction of that sound only made him blush worse, unable to hide while his head was pulled back. He didn’t dare to open his eyes even when hot breath fanned his lips. “Makes it even worse, Evan. Do you think that anyone with the working eyes can miss that hickey on your throat?”

“…?” He opened his mouth, and his mind flashed back to the too ‘innocent’ smile on Mrs. Haine’s face… and his eyes snapped wide open in terror.

Rayden snorted and then laughed, shaking with it as he pressed his nose against Evan’s throat and kissed the mark, then growled with appreciation that made Evan shiver and almost forget the reason behind his mortification.

“Sweet little Evan, parading about the campus after last night with such pretty evidence,” the ink-haired guy teased and snorted again when Evan groaned loudly with mortification, trying to cover his face with his hands. This was prevented from happening when Rayden chortled, caught his hands one by one, and pushing, soon pinned them over his head against the closed door. “Can you imagine, babe, how many texts I’ve got by noon? After you so rudely sneaked away? Hm?”

“I… Um,” When he dared to open his eyes again, the toothy – more than slightly wolfish – grin on Rayden’s beautiful face made him only flush worse. He wasn’t sure he should admit that it was precisely the reason why he didn’t even try to cover it. “I didn’t… Um, think about that. Or that you would…” he trailed off and arched his back when those fingers inside him curled harder putting a punishing pressure on his prostate. He clenched his teeth and whined through them on the sensation, then gasped when his lover’s thigh pressed against his crotch, doubling the maddening friction.

“…care?” purred right by his cheek, still sounded far away while all his senses laser-focused on the dual feeling and the novelty of it. His body tensed and shook, far too fucking quickly climbing to the edge as desperately stifled moan made his whole chest vibrate. It was impossible to think, while his scattered thoughts narrowed down to each sensation. The heat alone of the taller frame was more than enough to make him melt and too easily brought back the dizzying memories of last night.

He had no idea that the painfully beautiful man would be at the party Ava guilted Evan into going to. He didn’t like parties or alcohol, so who better to watch her getting wasted, then make sure she made it back home safely, after all? There were enough rumors about the assholes who liked to spike girls’ drinks to make his skin crawl and insist that she should never go to a party around the campus without Alex or him, precisely because of that. Not that she was normally much inclined to party, but between the three of them, Ava was undeniably the most social.

…maybe he hoped to see him – a little – hearing from her that said the party was thrown by Chloe, his best friend was apparently on very good terms with. That made his resistance pretty pretended, on account of having a chance to not only escape Saul’s sneers for an evening but also to maybe exchange that for watching his crush from afar. And he wasn’t wrong, as when they arrived Rayden was already there, like usual, surrounded by the tight ring of adoring fans. He just still wasn’t sure how an hour later he ended up in a shadowy corner of the balcony of the sorority house, completely sober but fucking dizzy with said crush seemingly bent to devour him. Making it so easy to give in, and letting Evan get fucking lost in the fantasy of the beautiful man’s arousal.

That the balcony turned empty suspiciously quickly, didn’t even register, at least until Rayden’s hands found their way under his clothes, kneading and petting until he grew aware of his own moans. And even then, it wasn’t enough to sober him up, and all too easily he let himself be smoothly coerced into an empty room adjacent to the balcony. Even the idea of having his first time in those circumstances – a house full of strangers – dimmed in importance compared to the maddening strength of sensations that made his mind spin more than any drink ever could.

Waking up at dawn – as he tended to – covered by the radiating heat and soaked in the scent of sex, he still couldn’t regret that. But since Evan had no idea about the ‘manners’ of one-night-stands – and couldn’t imagine it being anything but that – he snuck out. He didn’t want to mar the whole experience by the… awkwardness if Rayden somehow would figure out his lack of experience. Perhaps Ava was right, always teasing him about being naïve, but he liked to think that she wasn’t always right. In these past few weeks, he had seen plenty of couples hook up and the next day act like nothing happened – or sometimes even get hostile. So, if able to choose, he would rather prefer the first option.

And perhaps he did worry a little that the whole thing was a result of Rayden losing a bet… or something. He wasn’t even sure if he wanted to know that, in that case, so he dressed quickly and left the sorority house, heading straight to Ava’s apartment to cool down and check if she got home safely, too. That she didn’t tease him – as he half expected her to – was a surprise, but he was genuinely too fucking confused to complain. And then when she insisted he should file for transfer – and even had the application on hand – he just caved. Because if someone had seen him with Rayden… Well, he honestly didn’t care about being anywhere near Saul when rumors about it would reach his roommate.

His train of thoughts crashed – brutally – when perhaps noticing his distraction, Rayden mercilessly intensified the torture, while simultaneously covering his mouth with his. Evan whined at the taste, sweet and addictive, and barely noticed that his hands were freed. They shakily buried themselves in the dark hair when the tongue invaded his mouth, coercing his tongue to play as his lover’s free hand impatiently shoved at his pants. He mindlessly – and obediently – stepped out his boots, drunk with relief when Rayden – growling over his lips and distracting him with pressure of his fingers inside him – coerced him out of his jeans and boxers, then smoothly picked him up and pinned him to the door. Literally, making him gasp nonsensical noises and whimper when scorching heat pushed inside him and only buried to hilt, Rayden pulled back, groaning as he buried his nose against Evan’s throat.

He wrapped around him without a thought, gasping with the slightest movement. One hand remained in the dark hair while the other found purchase fisting in the soft material of his lover’s t-shirt, and his heels only half-consciously found the perfect spot to rest at the taller guy’s lower back, forcing him into maddening rhythm. He felt so stuffed and overheated, yet he couldn’t help but need more, beg more, whining until Rayden groaned loudly and complied. Bracing his elbows around him, he pulled back just enough to take his mouth again, as hard and slow as he took his body. In a pace that was almost lazy, yet completely overwhelming, making sure to rub against his dick with every stroke of his hips.

Evan pulled back from the kiss when he ran out of breath, and the back of his head thumped against the door. His hands dug in harder, the only anchor in the middle of the storm raging over his senses.

“Do you think I’m going to let you run, babe?” purring noise tore through the blaring between his ears, and bounced about his empty head. He couldn’t register the meaning, while all his senses focused on approaching peak. The rough press of the material of his lover’s jeans only made it feel hotter, somehow, and soon he could only focus on pushing back on the dick pushing in and out of his body, harder with every next thrust. “After how much work it was getting your adorable but oblivious ass right where you are?”

“I… Huh?” He gasped, lost the plot when Rayden snorted a little shakily, then moved his right hand down, soon petting his buttock as he rocked into him harder.

“You are mine, Evan,” his lover growled with surprising levels of satisfaction, then proceeded to make his point until Evan was very fucking far from thinking of arguing.


The next day, he discovered that the windows of Rayden’s bedroom had a very good view of the pole raised right in front of the dorm. If he did – he discovered that – only when his lover dragged his exhausted ass in front of it and opened the curtains to point towards quite an unusual sight.

“How…?” He snorted, gawking involuntarily at something that looked like a person – suspiciously familiar – hung from said pole by their underwear. It was hard to recognize from that distance, but the long blonde hair of the victim and giddy grin on Rayden’s beautiful face seemed pretty telling.

“I might have bet Joel he won’t do this,” the tall male tapped his finger over the glass, pointing toward the blonde guy standing beside said pole – that usually was used to hang a flag for the ceremonies.

“You might?” He repeated, looking between the window and his lover’s – boyfriend’s? – grin. “Let me guess… The apartment was a reward?”

“What…? No!” Rayden snorted, then flicked him on the nose. “You’re fucking cute, babe, but damn naïve.”

“How so?” He deadpanned, rubbing his nose with offended expression.

“That you would think that something like an apartment would be necessary to get Joel to harass Saul,” the other man rolled his eyes, then pointed toward the sight again and snorted. “Nah, a beer is more than enough. Honestly, I think a toothpick would do it. Joel’s not picky, and he does have a grudge,” Rayden shrugged, then pulled him back to bed.

“I will remember that,” he muttered under his nose as he curled again in his lover’s arms and then yawned. “I had this… fantasy of gluing Saul’s ass to the toilet if I wasn’t sure that he would murder me in my sleep.”

“Pff,” Rayden snorted and then laughed, shifting to pick up his phone off the nightstand. “Good one for the next time and to test my toothpick theory. Ah… He’s busy running from the security right now, but says it should be doable by next week,” he added after a moment of typing, and Evan laughed sleepily. “We’re going to make the next four years very fun, hm?” Rayden purred, dragging his hand over his back after dropping his phone on the nightstand. “Especially for that asshole.”

“Sounds like you also have a grudge,” he muttered, then pushed his head under his lover’s chin, draping his arm over his side.

Perhaps,” it sounded just a little too sweet and innocent, but he only sighed, too tired to think about it too deeply. He drifted off to sleep feeling warm – and soothed – and only the next day, from Ava, he found out that it took a few hours before the security managed to get Saul down off that pole.

Let Nika Vennox know what you thought about this chapter!
Love this

7

Love this

Funny

3

Funny

Spicy

3

Spicy

Suspenseful

0

Suspenseful

Emotional

0

Emotional

Profound

1

Profound

Heartwarming

2

Heartwarming

Shocking

2

Shocking

Good Writing

3

Good Writing

Compelling Plot

3

Compelling Plot

Great Character

4

Great Character

Strong Dialog

2

Strong Dialog

author

Well I guess they’ve met 😳😂🤣🌶️🌶️🌶️
Saul shouldn’t pick on people and maybe others wouldn’t do it to him 🤷‍♀️ I don’t agree with bullying but I don’t have anything against getting a bully back for their behavior 😜🤭

10 months
1
author

Character Suggestions
Give Evan one proactive choice.
Why: Right now, things keep happening to him. If he actively decides something, even just pulling Rayden closer during that kiss, he stops feeling like a leaf in the wind and starts feeling like someone who wants this life, not just accepts it.
Give Rayden a flaw.
Why: He's almost too perfect right now, beautiful, popular, rich, and devoted. Real people have edges. Does he get jealous? Is he secretly insecure? Does he struggle to be vulnerable? One flaw makes him feel like a real boyfriend, not a fantasy. Clarify what Mrs. Haine gets out of this.
Why: She goes from "suspiciously eager" to "happily helping Rayden's scheme" without explanation. A single line about her hating Saul or Rayden having something on her would make her feel like a person, not a plot device. Plot and Timeline Suggestions Fix the compressed timeline. Why: Everything happening in one day (party, sneak-out, application, approval, move-in) strains belief. Either spread it out or have Rayden mention he's been waiting weeks with paperwork ready.
Answer how long Rayden has been planning this.
Why: The "finally" when he opens the door suggests this was strategy, not luck. Did he notice Evan in class? Did Ava approach him? One line of clarity satisfies curiosity without over-explaining.
Pacing Suggestions
Move the elevator/world-building details.
Why: The long paragraph about the black card and elevator system interrupts the tense office scene. Let Evan notice these things after he leaves, during a natural pause.
Relocate the party flashback.
Why: Placing it in the middle of the second sex scene pulls readers out of an intimate moment. A quick reminder during the elevator ride works better, with full details saved for afterward.
Emotional Impact Suggestions
Show Evan's reaction to the manipulation.
Why: Finding out your best friend and new boyfriend conspired behind your back might feel good (relief) or weird (invasion). His reaction tells us who he is. Does he hug Ava or feel weird about it?
World-Building Suggestions
Clarify why the seventh floor costs extra.
Why: Quieter floors are usually cheaper, not more expensive. If it's fancier (the "hotel" corridor) or exclusive, that needs a quick mention.
Fix the elevator logic.
Why: Evan needs the black card to reach floor seven. But Rayden was already there. How? Did he have a card too? Small gap, easy fix.
Dialogue Suggestions
Make Rayden's explanation feel more natural.
Why: "I might have bet Joel he won't do this" sounds like exposition. Two people bantering about Saul on the pole would feel more real and show their dynamic.
Show vs. Tell Suggestions
Cut "seemed to genuinely get a kick out of terrorizing him."
Why: You already showed Saul enjoying it through actions (punch, ridicule). Trust your showing—it's strong enough.
Tone Suggestions
Soften the transition into the sex scene.
Why: Jumping from "I didn't shower" to detailed fingering is very fast. One breath or pause would let readers adjust.
Opening/Closing Suggestions
Strengthen the final emotional beat.
Why: The pole scene is funny, but ending on Evan's reaction (feeling safe, laughing, belonging) would tie back to his internal journey.
Logic Suggestions
Clarify when people saw Evan's hickey.
Why: Rayden mentions texts about Evan "parading around campus" with it, but Evan went straight from the party to Ava's to Mrs. Haine's office. When would anyone have seen him?
Address the noise complaint issue.
Why: The seventh floor has "no parties or noisy guests" rules, but Rayden immediately has loud sex against the door. Is no one going to complain? One throwaway line about the floor being empty fixes this.

5 months