High Stakes

"The story is intense and I did enjoy that. The dark element of this story raised some stakes, specially the finale. While it's a short story, there are a few things I think should've been tweaked. I might as well list a few. 1. The story was great, after the chaos the characters were going through. It's intense, the story raised stakes and the dark direction fit well. Even though I didn't sense the dialogue was that strong for a few chapters, it did it's job well. 2. The writing style was neat, but I wasn't satisfied much. There were a number of sentences that were too far apart. It sometimes felt like I was reading a script. For example: ================================ 'Something was wrong with the fish and I investigated. That's why I'm late.' Pinch nearly hummed. Stopped herself. Wangi offered. 'Should I grow you another garden?' Palms pressed, as jasmine bloomed. Green forehead continued hitting the glass. 'Stop that, please.' ================================ This is just an example, it felt like reading a script. You can just add the dialogue and carry on writing a few sentences, and then create a new paragraph. Creating a paragraph after every 5 - 10 words shows more as a script. You don't need to create a new paragraph after every dialogue, you can add the dialogue first and the paragraph next to it, or paragraph first and dialogue at the end of the paragraph. Also, you don't need to add a bracket to add another sentence. This here is an example: ================================ "Pinch loved these toys (just as Wangi did)." ================================ You can just mention it without the brackets. They weren't needed. There were a number of times you added unneeded brackets when they could’ve been written without the brackets. The plot was neat and dark as expected, I enjoyed the finale over the chaos they were going through. I don't mean to sound rude or critical, I was just listing a few things that needed to be done better. The story is great and the plot is also neat. Don't take this personal, these were just tips that could help your writing style. Other than that, keep up the great work! 👍"