WITH LOVE

Two things occurred when you turned 15.

One. You heard the most frightening and life changing words in your life.

“Y/N, you have been diagnosed with cancer.”

Ever since then, everyone paid attention to you- mostly just pity. You were given lots of love, lots of hope when your hair was falling apart and you became weaker by the days passed by. Homemade to store bought cards and flowers and lots of hugs were given to you from random strangers causing you to gain a lot of friends. But all you could think when you see those faces with a sympathetic smile was pity.

However, you fell in love with him, which leads to two.

Two. You fell madly in love with your best friend.

He didn’t take the news so well either. Once hearing the shocking news, he promised a lot of things.

Never leave your side. Never to hurt you. And to never let you go.

As cheesy and cliche as it sounds, he never could gain mutual feelings for you- so it was always a one-sided love for 4 years.

You didn’t fear death by this time. As a kid, you were scared of being swallowed whole by a werewolf or being killed by a paranormal ghost, but hearing the words that could frighten so many people made you forget about your fears. You realized that one day everyone dies and you were just going to die earlier than usual. Nothing to be scared of.

But while you were prepared for your death bed, everyone feared. Even your best friend. Your parents would make you do something fun- like going out with friends or even going to the beach- but you became introverted and only talked to one person.

You wrote letters ever since you ran a hand through your hair and it came falling out, staring at the locks of hair you once had thanks to chemotherapy. Picking up a pen and a piece of paper, you wrote many letters. To him, to your parents, to your closest girl friends that made you laugh with tears in your eyes until your stomach had ached.

When you turned 18, you wished for one thing, but it was too selfish of you that you chose to forget about it. When you blew the flame that ignited the candle that mockingly stared at you on top of your favorite ice cream cake, you silently wished that he would fall in love with you but you were selfish and you were dying. You praised yourself sometimes that you never made anything obvious to the fact that you were madly in love with him.

While he would take walks with you at the park, his eyes would follow a girl who was better looking than you- and dare you say, healthier. You were scrawny and you were paler, and only wore a beanie to save your bald head so why would he ever fall in love with you? You were happy enough to have him as your best friend and to gape at him whenever with him being oblivious to your feelings and chase girls here and there right in front of you. Sometimes he would come to you to boast about it and sometimes he would go to you if his heart broke.

When his heart broke, yours did too. When he was on the verge of tears, you were too. When he was happy, you were happy too. And when he supposedly says he’s in love, you too, were always in love.

Always.

It was like this for the remaining 4 years. Now, your heart is slowly beating and you were withering away.

As a 17 year old, you remember when he came running to you when he broke up with Soyul. He was devastated because he had to end it. You would both sit on the couch and you let him cry on your lap, as you did the usual- run your hand through his hair and listen to his cries and sobs. It pained you, but you just kept listening to his cracking voice.

“She was everything, but I had to. I had to end it,” He stated with a crack in his voice and it felt like so many times you heard him say that about each girl he left. Some of which, he cheated on or vice versa, but you hummed in response to everything he said.

And after each sob story, he would look at you in the eyes, glimmering because of his tears and face that was puffy, he would say, “I don’t know why you’re with me. Aren’t you always tired of hearing my problems?”

You simply sigh, “I don’t know why I’m with you either, but I guess it’s because you’re there for me on my hardest too. I mean, you’re here when I’m dying, Tae-”

He snapped, a new fulfilled anger in his eyes. “Don’t ever say that. I’m not here because I pity you because you have cancer, I’m here because you’re someone I hold to dearly. Don’t ever fucking say that I’m only there for you when you’re dying, because you’re not going to die, y/n.” As he said that, you gave a soft smile. “I’m your best friend forever. I’m not going to leave you. Remember when I made that promise?” You could only nod, looking up at the ceiling, trying to stop the waterworks. You felt his touch against your neck and you were brought into a warm embrace that you always loved. Arms holding you tightly that made you feel secured. “That promise is forever. You’re going to fight this and you’ll end up marrying a wonderful man who will love you and care for you. Don’t ever say you’re dying again, y/n, because I’m not letting you.”

And without saying anything, you sobbed into his shoulder, feeling weak because your feelings were taking over you again and if you were going to say anything at that moment, it would be ‘I love you.’

You’re 18 now- birthday in a few months, and you’re sitting in the park, alone, with your oxygen tank and fancy paper that you bought a couple weeks ago. You were writing your letters as usual. No one knew about it. No one knew that you kept letters piled in a box and that you wrote everything down. Just you.

It always started with a ”Dearest" and ended with ”With Love, Y/N“.

You always smiled while writing letters because you believed that writing them while crying seems too dramatic in your opinion.

As you had finished that one letter, you gave a simple sigh, looking up at the trees that were once blooming, turning different shades of orange, red, and brown. Autumn.

Folding it, you stuffed it in an envelope, marking it down the day’s date and shoving it in your small bag that slung over your body. You watched people walk by, examining the same people who walked on the same planet as you, and you gave them a strong smile and they would always return it to you. You did this everyday when you graduated high school. Take walks to the park that used to be with Taehyung, but ever since Chora walked in on his life, it became a rare time when Tae would ever walk you to the park.

But you enjoyed your alone time. You used it to your advantage to visit places you’ve never been, or to continue writing letters. You especially enjoyed it when the weather was cold and everyone would take walks.

You stood up from the park bench and walked around, your oxygen tank rolling behind you noisily because of the rough pavement, but you’ve gotten used to it. Besides, it wasn’t going to be long when it’s no longer useful.

You walked back home, taking the longer route since it was filled with trees and bushes that you loved to walk under. As you were taking slow strides and pausing to sit on the benches to rest, you were halfway home when you heard your name being called. “Y/N!” Turning around slowly, you saw it was none other than the gleeful Hoseok. That’s what you adored about him- he never failed to wear a genuine smile. Unlike those who gave you pitiful ones, you were always greeted by his wide grin.

“Oh,” You quirked your eyebrows at how fast he was running towards you. “Hoseok?”

You smiled back when he was closer to you. “Y/N, hey, you’ve seem to be happier.”

You laughed at him as he petted your head, walking by your side. “Today’s a beautiful day.”

“I agree,” He said, nodding slightly. “Have you been doing well?”

“Yeah, I’ve been taking walks everyday now.”

He looked at you slightly before continuing the conversation. “Alone?” You nodded.

“Taehyung has been with Chora, lately, but I don’t blame him. They’re getting serious.”

“Awfully serious,” Hoseok stated and you gave him a confused look. Seeing that you were oblivious to what he meant, he let out a chuckle. “Oh, Y/N.” And you gave him a weird look as to why he was chuckling. “You’re in love with him.”

Hearing that made you jump so you stopped to stare at him. The way the trees above him complimented his skin made you realize you were friends with a beautiful being. “W-what?” You stuttered.

“Come on, y/n, you’ve been regarding your feelings for a long while and you answer me with a what?”

Your eyes trailed down to your feet, chewing on the inside of your cheek. “How’d you know?”

“It doesn’t take an idiot to know that you’re absolutely in love with him,” Hoseok’s voice was saddening a bit, making you wonder why a cheeky boy like him was being all sorrowful. “We all know you’re in love with him- well... except for him.”

You sighed, meeting his gaze. “So? As long as he doesn’t know, then I’m good.”

“Why didn’t you tell him?” He asked, sitting down on the bench that was nearby. “After all this time, why didn’t you tell him?”

You sighed, leaning on the arm of the bench next to him as you stared at the fallen dried leaf that lied on the grass in front of you. A small smile crept on your lips when you remember when you first realized you were in love with him.

It was winter. Cold and harsh weather usually. You had told him you were diagnosed and he laughed at you, with his boxy smile, thinking it was a joke. You stared at him as he was laughing. The grin that he wore when an angelic noise came out, but it slowly died down when you didn’t laugh along with him. You stared at him, with no emotion in your eyes. Then his laughs faded into small doubtful chuckles. His usual joyous face withered into tears in his eyes and he knew then you weren’t kidding. An ironic way to realize you love someone right?

In that moment, you didn’t know what to do. You could’ve hugged him and told him it was okay or maybe share a laugh and lie to save his tears. But before you knew it, his warm arms were wrapped around your body, trapping you with his body warmth and you never knew falling in love would be this hand made of sugar- sweet- choking you- bitterly- with its fingers encasing your entire neck, leading you with a bittersweet feeling.

After thinking, you answered Hoseok’s question. “I don’t know if I’m going to die or not, Hobi,” You started slowly, rubbing your hands together in your lap. “I don’t know if I’m going to be able to get into a university. Or find the love of my life. Or maybe get married and raise 3 beautiful children.” You chuckled lightly. “I don’t know what the future has in store for me, you know.” You sighed, your smile growing.

“But I know that if I told him I love him, what would he do, Hobi? He doesn’t feel the same. If I told him that I fell in love with him when I was 15, if I told him that whenever I see him, my heart flutters, if I told him that my dreams are made of him and I growing old together, would he say no to me? Even if- and oh God, don’t fight me on this, because you and I both know it’s true-” You knew this question was going to come up one day, and surprisingly enough you weren’t crying when you answered. “Even if he doesn’t love me back? He doesn’t feel the same way, Hoseok, and I’m okay with that.”

You heard a sniff and you looked over to see Hoseok shedding a tear as you pet his head. “Come on, don’t start crying on me,” You say. “It’s the truth, Hobi. The cold hard truth. I’m dying... and if I told him, he would try to force a love that isn’t real- out of pity. He would try his best to make himself feel the same way and in the end, we’re both going to be hurt because he’s going to lose me and I would already feel like I lost him.

“As much as I love him and as much as I wish to tell him, I have my letters to do that. I wrote exactly 249 letters only to him and I don’t know if he’s going to read all of it or not- but in each letter I write down how much I love him. Yes, it hurts to see him with other girls, and yes, it hurts to see him love someone else, but as long as he’s happy, he’ll be fine without me.” You hear yourself sniffing and you realized that the tears that you tried so hard to hold in finally came out and your jeans were stained with it.

Hoseok just stared down at his lap, thumbs fiddling with each other as you heaved out a deep breath and stood up. “You’re the first person to ask me that, Hoseok. But, it’s time to move on. Let’s be realistic right now and let’s face it-”

He interjected. “No, Y/N-”

You shook your head, “Face it. I’m dying. I’m going to die and there’s nothing anyone can do about it! What good would it be if I told Taehyung now? It would scar him. If no one’s going to realize it, then I’ll say it. I’m going to die."

“Y/N,” Hoseok’s brown eyes softened as you looked up at the sky for a split moment before you smiled down at him, offering your hand out to your friend.

“Come on, walk me home,” You encouraged after he hesitated to take it and stood up among side you. “Talk to me like... like- I never had cancer. Tell me, my dear friend, how was your day?”

Hoseok saw the genuine and brave look in your eyes and didn’t bother saying anything but describe his day. He had gone on about how he woke up and broke his favorite mug (which ultimately made you laugh, considering that it was his favorite mug), then explained how his friends left him with Jungkook to eat lunch but Jungkook being picky decided to go on his own food hunt, and how he was then left to eat lunch alone.

“Then I found you here and you made me cry like a child.”

You snickered at his last statement, “What did you eat?”

“I just ordered chicken,” Hoseok answered and you slowly stopped when you reached your neighborhood. He turned and took a good look at you. His eyes burned into you as if it was his last time with you. As if there was no tomorrow and that moment was all he had with you. But, seeing that look on him for way too long, you only slapped his cheek playfully.

“I’m not dead, Hoseok, not yet anyways,” You smirk and he sticks his tongue out, making you smile again. “Thanks for talking to me today. It feels better to talk to someone.” You reached up on your tippy toes to ruffle his hair and he knew then he was going to miss your playfulness. He was going to miss your smile when you felt like everything was at ease and he will definitely miss your voice, guiding him on what to do at hardships. He was also going to miss your gentle touch when it comes to petting dogs or carrying babies and he’s going to miss your complaining about their long legs compared to yours.

He was going to miss everything- and so would the others.

“I really appreciate it- oh and, if I am on my death bed,” You started, him nodding to listen more. “I’ve written letters to everyone. Make sure to give it to them, especially Taehyung. It was good seeing you.”

And with a small smile, you were walking away, your oxygen tank being dragged behind you. You were walking further away, so you turned around, walking backwards to see that Hobi was watching your every move. Something he never did before, making you feel quite uneasy. You knew you were going to die, but then this feeling like you were going to be missed forever was different.

When a few days passed, you were hanging out with Taehyung again- him feeling sad because he couldn’t see you at least once the whole last week. You both went out to get coffee and he would boast about Chora because you simply asked how they’ve been. He would talk about how he took her to eat pizza and go to the dog store and play with the dogs. He would gush about how her smile and her laugh especially when her mouth was full. And he had said something about marrying her, but you were too engaged at only him.

You could only stare at him and realize how you were going to miss him- a lot. The way his cheeks would automatically turn red and his eyes would disappear due to his smile. His rectangular grin always making your heart flutter and that’s all you could ever want in life. Him laughing was what you wanted to hear before you would go so you could cherish it and replay it in your mind over and over again.

You both ended up at the park, the sun setting and lying down on the merry go round that didn’t spin as you stared up at the sky that blended in with the clouds.

“Y/N,” You heard him say your voice and you hummed in response, blinking. “Have you ever fell in love?”

You snort in response, a smile growing on his lips at your reply. “You’ve asked me this before.”

“Yes, but you never replied.”

It was true. Every now and then, Taehyung would ask you if you ever fell in love with someone but you found a way to never say something back. From randomly hanging up the call, or changing the subject, you could never bring yourself to lie or say the truth. But this time, you were okay with responding to him.

You let out a long sigh, feeling his gaze burn into you as you replied, “Yes, I have fell in love. In fact, I currently am in love.” With you.

And with that, Taehyung jumped, sitting straight up to look at you with bewildered eyes. “What?” Seeing his expression made you smile a bit, both of you staring at each other as the sun was setting above you. “Who? When?”

“Does it matter?” You muttered.

“Yes!” He exclaimed, flailing his arms. “You fell in love and you never told me about the special guy!” Because the special guy is you.

You shrugged, not caring because in that moment, you were staring at a human that sculptured by God himself and you didn’t want to waste it. “It doesn’t matter, Taehyung. He found someone else anyways.”

“It does matter! Have you told him? Have I met him before? Damnit, Y/N! How long were you-” Shushing his on going questions, you brought a finger to his mouth to shut him up.

“Stop asking so many questions. Let me stare at you,” You bluntly said and adjusted his shoulders so you could see him under the moon that was appearing. And little did you know, those words made Taehyung shiver. You never said that to him before which caught him off guard- but he didn’t mind. He wanted to stare at you too.

Your eyes traced every little bit of his imperfections as if it was art. Mole to mole, blemish to blemish- everything on him was art and he was a masterpiece. And while you were admiring him, he took that chance to admire your pale face that used to be so full of color. You used to have that red color in your lips but it was slowly fading away. And your cheeks used to have a peachy tint, but your face had grown pale. Your eyes were still filled with that determining look that he adored, though. You always told him encouraging words with that same look in your eyes and he always loved it.

And you always loved being with the boy that gave a reason for your heart to beat.

“Why such a sad stare?” He had asked, a pout forming, and you turned away to stare at the sky that turned dark.

“That’s my way of saying thank you,” You answered. “You’re one of the few people who understands me and staring at you just makes me question why you’re even friends with me.”

He blinked, his eyes never leaving yours. “Why aren’t you looking at me anymore?”

And as if it was automatic, as if on cue, as if your brain stopped working and you let your mouth take over, you had said, “Because if I do, I won’t be able to stop.”

A couple days later, you were writing a letter to Taehyung again.

Dearest Taehyung,

But your phone rang, a picture of a goofy Taehyung coming into sight and you answered with a smile and without hesitation. “Hello?”

“Y/N!” Your name echoed through the phone, making you jump at his sudden loud voice.

“Taehyung!” You mimicked his excitement in his tone. “What’s up?”

“Guess what, guess what, guess what.” He repeated.

You laughed, knowing that his ‘guess what’s’ were always random. Last time, he brought you home pants that were 5 sizes larger than you usually wore. And the time before that, he brought home a fish tank- with no fish. This time, you were curious since it made him all giddy. “Did you buy me those large pants again?”

Letting out a ‘pft no’, you could tell he was smiling. “Just tell me what it is then, dumbo.”

“Okay, okay, okay,” He rushed making you laugh even more- but the next words made you freeze. “I asked her.” You dropped your pen in your hand, staring at your unfinished word with the ink creating a line across the word above it. You inhaled sharply. “Y/N? Are you still there? I asked her. I asked Chora to marry me.” Each word and phrase he repeated made you grow numb. But what hit the bucket was, “And she said yes.”

Your right hand was trembling above the pink paper as you inhaled sharply. Your mind was going crazy. But why? You were sure this day would come. He was 21 and he was bound to get married, just not with you. You were sure that Taehyung would fall in love with someone that wasn’t you, and you would be okay because you wouldWATTPAD LINK be gone soon. But you couldn’t do anything. You couldn’t breathe and not even your oxygen tank could help you. You were almost positive that you prepared yourself for the day that Taehyung would finally move to the next step and wish to get married, so explain why you were on the ground, your hand trembling with your phone in your grasp and you trying to gasp for air.

Everything was happening too fast. And you didn’t know what to do.

And it suddenly went dark.

“Guess what?” Taehyung had asked over the phone. “Guess what, Y/N.”

You groaned. “What is it this time?”

And soon, a barging Taehyung had walked through the front door, disturbing you and your movie marathon session in the living room. You jumped up to look at him with wide eyes as he wore an excited face and hung up your current phone call session.

“Please tell me you brought me home some coffee with the 40 dollars I gave you- at least,” You said with a look of hope in his eyes but he shook his head.

Instead, he unleashed the item that he hid behind his back the whole time with a wide smile, leaving you in disbelief as you saw the loud-colored object he held up.

“I got you pants! I saw them while walking and decided to buy it for you,” Taehyung said with innocent intentions and even though you could’ve faked a smile and shrieked with false happiness, you could only blink at his choice of clothes he bought.

The fabric was a hot pink color with bright blue flowers on it, making you go blind at how bright the flowers were. And even if it would be nice for sleeping, the size was majorly different from the sweats you were wearing at that moment.

“Taehyung, what size did you get?” You had asked, walking over to him and he shrugged.

“Uhh, 8?” He replied and you stared at him.

“8?” You replied.

“Taehyung, how much was this?”

He smiled. “I bought these pants with the 40 dollars you gave me!”

You choked on your saliva at the money that was spent for a piece of fabric as those pants. The money that you saved up after all those birthday and Christmas cards- gone. “What’s the problem?” Taehyung asked and you looked at him silently before hitting his arm.

“The problem is you bought a pair of ugly pants with my 40 dollars! And it’s in the size of my shoes- not my pants, but my shoes!” You exclaimed and Taehyung rose an eyebrow.

“Wait... so you’re not an 8 in pants?” He said slowly as you shook your head and he had stopped holding up the pants and crumpled it up into a ball in embarrassment. “Oh.”

“Oh,” You repeated, your eyes narrowing. “Taehyung, you have just wasted my 40 dollars on ugly pants that don’t even fit me.”

He smiled sheepishly and you rolled your eyes.

“Why am I even friends with you?” You aggravatingly asked, walking back to the couch and hiding yourself back into the luxury that was your blankets. Taehyung had followed, plopping beside you while holding onto the ball of neon fabric.

“You don’t hate me, do you?” He asked with care and you sighed in response.

“You are very lucky I do not hold one ounce of hatred for you, Kim Taehyung,” You say and a simple statement like that, made Taehyung smile like an idiot.

With all the true and mad and crazy love in my heart for you, Kim Taehyung,

Y/N

The End

Thank you for reading till the end let me know if you like it or not ?!