Chapter 1
It was just yesterday I was smiling, I felt over the moon as if the sun was shining happiness in my life so why?Why am I laying on the floor, vomit spreaded around me, pill bottles opened and blood dripping down my arm. I was so happy, i was a good person so why, why is my mom looking at me as if i’m a monster? Why is my family so scared of me? “What have I done?” I thought, but that wasn’t what I should have been asking myself.
The real question should have been why did I do it. Why did I ruin my life for my selfish reasons? Why did I destroy lives including my own with a smile on my face? The laughter my family shares when I leave the room haunts me. If I wasn’t born would their lives be better? Would I not have to worry about my sister’s tears? Would I not have to worry about ruining my family’s lives? If i hadn’t been born there would be no past i would be stuck in, no future to torture myself thinking about. And still, it was just yesterday i was happy, it was just yesterday i was smiling, it was just yesterday i enjoyed my life. I prayed every night that I wouldn’t have to live in regret. So why am i so doubtful, why do i feel so anxious, why do i keep asking myself “Why?” when I know I could never answer.
If only I was so certain in my own choices. I planned everything I did but I never thought what I would do after. But now I feel there’s only one choice, that is to die. I lived a horrible life when I was given dozens of opportunities to make it better. I forced myself to think everything wasn’t real so I had something to justify my disgusting actions. If only I didn’t cover up the truth with my filthy lies because I was scared. If only I had stayed curious instead of feeding my sexual desire I felt I had no control over. If only I had never distracted myself with social media, isolating myself from reality. Why god, why did you create me just so I could disrespect you and your authority. I always wondered why my family always had a problem with life and soon enough I realized, It was me. I was the problem. The reason my mom couldn’t smile anymore was because of me. The reason my entire family couldn’t relax was because of me, it was all my fault. I’m sorry. I dreamt day and night that I had a time machine. I would take it all back if I could. Even him. All of it, everything. I would do anything to go back to my mothers arms. I would do anything to go on those walks with my aunt. I would do anything to go back to those late night horror movies with my sister. I would do anything to stop myself from texting him. I would do anything to go back to 2022. If only it was real. I’m so sorry sister for making you live your life with me as your burden. I’m so sorry mom for disappointing you in every way possible. I’m so so sorry everybody for making you see my face whenever you woke up in the mornings. I wish I could change. But I’m too afraid of the fact that if I change all of this would have been for nothing. None of it would be remembered in anyone’s eyes other than mine, fuck i might even forget all the nights i bawled my eyes out untill they were pitch red. What if all those happy moments with him just become sad memories. What if all those horrible moments in my life will be forgotten. I’m scared. I’m so fucking scared i might just give up but its not like i ever tried. I try to hide the fact that no one cares. I try to lower down the music as if someone is calling my name. I try to hide my tears even though there’s no one I can hide it from. I wish I was loved like the rest of my family but unfortunately it will only ever be a wish. Today I can only wonder what will happen tomorrow. Today I can only look back on the past and remember all those good moments, all those good memories. What felt like yesterday I was smiling so much my jaw hurt. What felt like yesterday I was smiling so much it made the people around me smile as well. What felt like yesterday... I was happy.
