The Broken Bond

This is a working draft. Final version will be edited for future publication.

“We are our choices. We cannot escape our choices, even if we choose not to choose. Life is a matter of choices and those choices bring discomfort, but they are still our own. We create meaning, even in the absence of understanding, even in the midst of confusion.” -Jean-Paul Sartre

The day began like any other: I was aware of how my body ached before my eyes even had a chance to open, I could feel the chill of a small puddle of drool that had accumulated on my pillow, and my fingers clenched tightly onto my long scratchy stuffed rabbit. Its fur clumped awkwardly in the places that I often ended my night clutching it, as no matter how tightly I hugged it as I fell asleep, I never awoke with it near my chest. My elders told me that I had slept with this same stuffed rabbit, that I had named Sir Hops along, since I was first chosen, but that was well before I could remember, and it was no longer the velvety, fluffy friend they described it as. As I came to, I noticed a slight breeze flitting past my face, and I began to feel the warmth of the newly risen sun cresting onto my dry cheek. As soon as I noticed the delicate balance my face held with the warm sun on one cheek and the cool drool on the other, I heard a slight rustling within my room. We had just set up our yurts not one moon ago, though we used sturdy enough materials that no animal could enter unannounced, there was no telling what had moved into this area since the Solkarin had last resided here. I stilled my breathing and strained my ears for a moment, allowing them to assess the danger of this situation while I was so vulnerable; in only undergarments and a blanket no less. Whoever or whatever it was had stilled as well, so it seemed to be intelligent and aware enough to monitor my breathing. As slowly and inconspicuously as possible I began to open my eyes, aware instantly of the technicolor blob across from me. Bright reds and blues flooded my vision as I adjusted to the light, before I noticed a blurry figure in a chair facing my bed. Immediately, even before my bleary eyes blinked into focus, I noticed how the dark-haired figure looked in contrast to the colors next to them and instantly knew who it was that snuck into my yurt.

“Oh good, you’re finally awake!” Kaeleen Firebloom nearly shouted at my semi awake form, “HAPPY DEATH DAY!” She began to actually yell, giggling through her words.

“Stop calling it that, Bloom. You know, you’re not as funny as you think,” I groaned as the corners of my lips twitched up, finally pushing myself onto my elbows, my wool blanket falling from my chin. “I’m not dying, at least not my body, and it’s an HONOR.”

“I know I know, I’m really going to miss you, but you really are a once in a lifetime pretty guardian girl,” Kaeleen said as she motioned to the bright colors, I hadn’t been able to place before. Sitting next to her was the longest dress I could imagine, it not only had a train that ran from the chair across from my bed almost to the outside of my structure, but it also had sleeves that covered the hands entirely and dragged as long as the train did. After I tried it for the first time, I had an appreciation for movement that I never had felt before; almost to the degree one feels when they fall ill and swear to never take for granted the use of their nose ever again. The base of the dress was a skintight vibrant crimson red mostly hidden with layers of cyan that fell around it like waves, the red only being fully exposed right below the square neckline to the center of the bodice. Along the hems of the cyan waves, and along the seams of the gown there was decorative gold thread in swirls. The elders had told me that these colors in this way represented the sacrifice of our people in the years since the last vessel had been needed and said that if one looked closely, they could see their destiny in the gold thread. Personally, I saw pointless traditional peacocking for what it was, but if it even gave me a slightly better possibility to be accepted as the newest vessel, then I would do it. I would walk on hot coals to serve Caelum. Hell, I trained every day to make my body strong enough to support their mission in this realm.

I pushed myself full out of bed and took a moment to throw my blanket back into place, grabbing sir hops a lot by the arm. Caelum was not going to come into this realm to inherit my mess, no matter how much I yearned to leave them one. Aside from the brightly colored dress my home was beige and white, almost literally a blank canvas for the being that was to come. As Caelum was a newly formed celestial, our realm had very little time to get to know their quirks and preferences; Not like how we had Orivis, the oldest and wisest celestial guardian, down to a science. Part of me always wondered what my realm was like when Orivis took a vessel and fulfilled his mission. I sat down my rabbit and began dressing, pulling the ornate gown over my knees, hips, and letting Kaeleen help me secure it over my undergarments.

“Well, I’m not going to miss you, because I’ll get to take Caelum’s place in the Celestial realm while they’re in my body,” I retorted, trying and failing to add an edge of sarcasm to not hurt Kaeleen’s feelings.

“Enjoy all the food and frills for me while you’re there, then. I heard they can magically make any ingredient appear out of thin air,” Kaeleen said, her eyes falling slightly even as her tone stayed light. “You know, I could always pretend to be you if you get cold feet.”

“Oh, uh huh, maybe Caelum doesn’t know what I look like, but the elders so do. I don’t even think either of us have the garment making skills to fashion a proper wig if we shave our heads.” I chided, taking a moment to envy how smooth and shiny Kaeleen’s hair was. I bet she didn’t even brush her hair after waking up this morning, and yet it cascaded in dark brown sheets around her shoulders, voluminous and straight in all the right places. Kaeleen giggled again at my comment, her blue eyes and pale skin in stark contrast with her beautiful locks. I began the process of freeing my light brown curls from their bonnet at that moment, giving them a vigorous shake to revitalize all the work I had put into them the day before.

“You’re saying all I have to do is use bundles to tightly curl my hair and wait until summer sun kisses it, then we’ll look identical?’ Her eyes glimmered as she took my hands in hers, bunching my sleeves up until they were but wrinkled masses on my arms, my pale skin nearly matching hers.

“Darling, I think if the summer sun could kiss your hair, it would have done so already,” I began to giggle with her, “plus, I want this. I have worked for this since I was born, and whoever Caelum is now I know they will grow into a great protector by living through me. This isn’t just an honor, it’s all I have. Well… except…” I looked down to sir hops along once again, a frown cutting through my face suddenly. Kaeleen’s eyes flicked down in tandem with mine, almost reading my trepidation in the gaze.

“Well, how do you know they won’t want a rabbit? You could just hide him somewhere in your room,” she offered, almost like she not only saw my nerves, but the deep loss I had no right to feel permeated beneath my red bodice.

“No, Caelum definitely would judge me for still sleeping with this rabbit. I just feel it in my soul,” I looked over at her mischievously, smirking slightly. “What do you say we sneak out to the tree line? Back to that hovel we found years ago? We can bury him so you can go back and get him later,” I smirked, “when you miss me.” I playfully began swaying our arms as I teased her.

“I don’t know, Liora, your day is really packed tight. And you can’t dirty this dress before the ceremony tonight,” Kaeleen looked down at the floor, more meekly than I had ever seen her unless she was being scolded by Madam, our most highly respected elder.

“She sent you to fetch me for something already, didn’t she?” My head lolled to the side as I put the pieces together. No way would my best friend be allowed in my yurt just to distract me. My comfort was never the priority. Of course not, because-

“Your time is so valuable that you couldn’t sleep in today. At least that’s what she said,” Kaeleen almost finished my thought, reminding me of the thing I had been told time and time again.

“Fine. I won’t go. But I really want him hidden at the hovel,” I dipped my chin down, looking into Kaeleen’s eyes and batting my eyelashes a few times, my bottom lip protruding slightly.

“I’ll hide him, I’ll hide him, you big baby,” she freed her hands from mine to grab sir hops along and we allowed my sleeves to drop down once again. I looked down at the rabbit for the final time, and then up at my best friend.

“Tell Caelum about me please,” I broke eye contact with her and turned to walk through the door of my yurt, my chin held high, and my shoulders rolled back just as I had learned to. I still felt some dried drool on my cheek, and while I may have felt silly on other days, I knew it would be a gift to the elders to allow them something to fuss over today. While my hands were steady as my steps glided me through the precipice, I felt my soul that was whole and unharmed for the last day begin to ache for a life it would never get to live.

Stepping out into the blinding day felt like more of a dream than my night had, what little sleep I was just now realizing I had gotten. Around the entrance of my yurt there stood 7 women in a semicircle, all going silent the second they realized I was finally ready, and their expressions widening into grins almost simultaneously. All their hair had long since gone grey, some with barely a few strands left, but the woman in the middle somehow looked simultaneously the youngest and the oldest. Her stature was at least 3 inches taller than all of the others around her, and her bony fingers were the only ones gathered together in front of her. While the others had clearly been engaging in conversation she looked as stoic and discerning as ever as her eyes brushed against every fold in my dress, every ripple in my curl, and finally settled onto my face with a grimace.

Without either of us uttering a word she lifted one of her hands and used it to motion for me to come to her. As she made her intentions clear she also turned on her heel and began walking away from the entrance of my yurt, and like the Liora that I was I followed her. The other elders moved in near unison again, coming into an almost perfect circle around me while allowing Madam to remain at the head. None spoke, though some of them giggled and exchanged giddy looks amongst one another as my train and sleeves dragged behind me. We walked through the clearing of our encampment, trees flanking us on all sides, and approached another yurt that looked nearly identical on the outside, though the air felt warmer and more humid as we approached. The bathing structure rarely had hot water, however on a day like today I guess I shouldn’t be surprised. We stopped in front of its entrance, everyone in unison except for me.

“Your hair looks better today than I expected it to,” Madam turned to me, a glimmer of pride in her eyes, “and that dress looks on you exactly as the prophecy foretold. However, that face just won’t do.”

“Yes, Madam, I will go wash right away,” I looked down to the ground, my head bowing slightly, but Madam stopped me with a sweep of her arm before I had even taken a full step.

“Remember, you are to do it exactly perfectly today, Liora Stormrend,” I looked back up into her eyes, “we cannot afford any less.” I bowed more fully, and she moved her arm, allowing me to pass into the yurt unobstructed and finally alone. I began by splashing the warm water on my face and once I had I noticed how chilly the day was in comparison. On the longest day of the year one expected a warm day, even in such a wooded area in Eryndor obstructed so heavily by the sun. However, a chill had passed over my body for some reason. I finished freshening my face before heading to the makeup that had been set out for me. In the previous week I was shown exactly the lines to draw on my face to honor the celestials, and I had to do them perfectly or the ceremony was at risk. Normally I would not balk at an artistic challenge, however I was to do this with no mirror purely on instinct.

It began with a crescent shape that pointed to the sky on the center of my forehead, and then lines on top of and extending from the corners of my eyes. Apparently, those represented the moon and the sun. From there and only after that point was I to grab a pinch of the red powder on the right and apply the pigment to the tip of my nose, and the apples of my cheeks. I was told that represented our joy as a people, and my submission to Caelum. Personally, I wondered what they might think when they saw this makeup on their new body, if this would really make them feel honored, or as silly as I did apply it over and over again the last few days. Either way I did as I was told, doing everything I could to continue my perfect streak of impressing Madam. Doing everything, I could to impress Caelum. Surely, he would see my effort and care and he would know my heart for what it was. Surely, he would feel the pieces of my soul that I could leave for him.

Once I was finished with my painting ritual, I exited the yurt once more to find the exact sight I had seen before my own yurt not an hour earlier, except this time the elders could not hold back their chattering and giggling. Each person that was invited to come with us for this ceremony was in front of me, or running off to do my bidding, and their excitement showed.

“Now that’s better, my darling,” Madam’s face broke into a warm grin, her eyes nearly crinkling closed as her arms outstretched toward me, “now come, we have much to celebrate.”

That night there was music like I had never heard. It rattled me to my bones and even Kaeleen, who was sitting next on my right, could do nothing to stop her body from swaying. Through dinner our regular conversations were impossible as the music played on. Initially I believed that the elders had allowed for a band to come with, however that was a quite silly assumption as they would never want outsiders nearby for tonight. No, instead Madam was expelling some of her precious magic to fill our heads with music. Many of us in the Solkrin clan have magic, though few yield it often because of how much it can damage us, and Madam’s just happened to be psychological in nature. She would whisper into your ear from across a room if she so pleased, or she could steal your own voice away. With how often she had used her power in youth she was much older and weaker than she should be, her soul already fractured beyond my understanding. However tonight, on this once in a milenia night, on my 21st birthday, on Caelum’s 25th, she damaged her soul freely.

When she had picked music for me, on rare occasions, she had always selected something calm, even pensive, but tonight she had chosen a jovial tune that incorporated funk and jazz elements. We all swayed our heads to her rhythm as we feasted, savoring the freshest duck and rabbit that could be found on our territory. Often we had to ration our meals, but tonight the spices were applied liberally and the helpings were plentiful.

As we wrapped up our meal the music died down and Madam, from across the table, stood up, motioning for me to follow suit. I did as I was told.

“Thank you all for bearing witness tonight,” Madam’s gaze swept over the elders, maintaining eye contact with each for a second before moving to the next. At the end her gaze finally landed on Kaeleen and she nodded, “You will all be witnessing history on this, the shortest night of the year. Our very own Liora will soon be host to the newest and possibly most powerful,” a couple of women giggled at that, “of the celestial beings. As we finish our meal and wait for the sun to set, please don’t forget what we are doing this for.” Madam’s face went neutral, her once bright smile dropping as she looked up at a couple of the other elders. All giggling and joy faded from the table until Madam looked back at me and forced a wide grin back onto her face. “Liora, thank you. Your life will mean so much more than any of ours.” I bowed deeply at the waist, a sense of pride filling my chest, but I managed to keep my face neutral.

“It is I who am honored. Not only to be chosen by the celestials at my birth, but also to have been raised by such kind hands.” I stood back up, looking over the table myself with gratitude welling up in my eyes.

“Well then that settles it. Let’s dance!” Madam exclaimed as she raised an open palm to a make-shift dance floor. As there was no movement from around the table I took the hint that I was to be the first one to walk to the center, though every step was shorter than my regular stride, and again began the music. This time Madam had chosen a waltz, and I knew exactly why.

I closed my eyes, feeling the rhythm in my core, and lifted my arm to Kaeleen, palm up, to invite her to be my dance partner. Hearing her squeal in excitement over the roaring music, I closed my eyes and awaited the feeling of her hand in mine. Before long I felt her familiar warmth envelop my fingers, and I pulled her in close to me, wrapping my left arm around her waist. My eyes flicked open to see her flush face close to mine, the corner of her mouth lifting in a relaxed grin and a subtle sheen of sweat glistening on her exposed collar bone. My eyes softened, locking with hers as I began our waltz with confident feet. For many years we danced together like this, learning balance, gracefulness, and how to express confidence, but this time was different. This would be the very last time I would ever see her looking out through my own eyes, that I would feel her touch on skin that belonged to me. I studied every detail of her face and neck, every vein, every fold of skin, the way that one of her eyes closed a little bit more than the other when she smiled deeply, the way her hands shook slightly now. Her practiced grace as she followed my every step perfectly took my breath away and I could do nothing but spin her in that moment, her dark maroon dress catching air in her twirl.

Bringing her back into me I began to notice that we were no longer alone on the dance floor; all other women there had also picked a partner and begun their own waltz. All but Madam, who sat on the sidelines of the dance floor and looked only at me with pleading eyes. Her gaze shifted suddenly between me and Kaeleen and she nodded her head ever so slightly, and I could have almost sworn that I saw a slight edge of sadness flicker behind her eyes. I brought myself back to Kaeleen to see that same sadness permeating there, more densely than I thought could live in such a warm heart.

“Hey I need to come clean about something,” Kaeleen was able to speak to me through the music, and that had to be an intentional choice by Madam. “I wasn’t really in your yurt this morning to wake you up to get ready. I just said that because I chickened out.”

“What do you mean? YOU chickened out? Kaeleen Firebloom?” I scoffed. “You have never been afraid of anything, let alone let fear consume you.”

“Who said? Maybe I’m just better at hiding my weaknesses than some other people.” She gave me a coy look.

“Ok then out with it, why were you there?” I pressed her, looking into her eyes for a moment. Suddenly she began to blush and turned her head away from mine. Seeing her act like a shy little girl made a knot in my stomach, almost like I wasn’t meant to see her like this. My gaze wandered down to my own feet, allowing her a moment of privacy, before all of a sudden I felt her press her lips softly into mine.