I'm 10 again!
Never did I think I’d be grieving two lives, one of that I’ve lived and one that I haven’t. Oh how I wish I never even brought up the idea of another dimension. Thinking too much about a life I wish were my current has truly deepened the wound and self hatred that surrounds me. Crying so much to the point I have nothing to cry about anymore in the future. Nothing funny enough to cause a smile from my lips. Life seems unenjoyable when you’re the cause of its downfall. Of the many things I could’ve done to prevent such endings I never did. I never once lived in the moment or even thought to think of my future. I wallowed myself in nothing. I could’ve cleaned my room that day, or simply studied to become a better student. Instead all those years I chose to do nothing. I am the only one at fault for my mistakes. Consistent daydreams that will cause no benefit to my life. Only wishing I could change the way I lived.
Everyone occasionally thinks about how their life might of been if they had done something differently. Many if they studied more, or simply worked more, maybe even broken up with that person, then their life would be in a much better place then it is now. I too have had those recurring day dreams. But now I’ve reached an extent to where it's all I think about.
If you were to go back when would do so and what age? I would go back to my 4th grade year. 4th grade was the WORST year of my life. It was not only the year where I became more timid and shy but people would continuously call me annoying or that I smiled 'too much'. That year is the reason I developed social anxiety which basically ruined my life. The years before 4th grade and under were the best years of my life. I truly enjoyed those times. I’d like to think living in way you wont regret brings true nostalgia. All the great memories of the years I’ll never enjoy again truly surrounds me. If you lived a life you wish you can change your probably not going to feel nostalgic about the mistakes you made that year.
When I woke up I was actually in forth grade again. Except this time I remember everything of my future and the things I’ve done. Every person I’ve met, every family trip, every present, and experience. Of course I woke up confused but was I ecstatic. I was finally about to relive the time I wanted to. I remember fourth grade. I almost failed and had to repeat if my parents hadn’t transferred me to another school just in time. I checked the date, it was June. June 1st to be exact. The exact same day when I wished to relive my life. I looked down at my smaller and skinnier body, felt my hair shorter and lighter in color. I looked around my then messy room. I was back to when I was sharing a room with my sister. I was on the right when you walk in and my sister was on the left. It was the morning in summer, of course I’ve always been one to wake up late so everyone in the house was up and doing things already. I stand up and look at the old furniture in the whole room, the old pictures that I actually still owned in the future. I even still have Cupid and Persephone as baby angels still hung up. I walk into the hall and glance inside my parents bedroom. Everything was how it was a long time ago. Of course I didn’t remember it like this. I looked in the bathroom before it was completely torn down and redone gosh do I think its ugly now. I hear a familiar voice of my father.
“Look who finally woke up” He says.
My parents always say that every time especially when I wake up past 11am, in fact they still do it even in the future. I remember that I don’t have my dogs Lucky and Sport yet. I got Lucky around 6th grade and Sport around 8th grade. They are brothers. We were only given Sport after his owner died. I guess I shouldn’t think of them as gone if I’m not even at the time when we got them. I did have one other dog named Sammi she’s been with me for a while. She’d turn 14 next month if I haven’t time traveled.
I was 19. In my 4th grader body. I don’t even remember how old I am. I think I was 9 or 10? Why am I reliving my life? Why did my prayers actually work? Usually nobodies prayers get answered. Is this some sort of lesson I’m supposed to be learning or am I actually dreaming? I would say I was joking but when I wished I was 10 but I don’t think I was. But I didn’t mean when I’m mentally 19.
I walk up to my father who is in the kitchen. He looks a little younger but still the same nonetheless.
“How old am I again?” I said with no hesitation.
Nobody is going to believe I’m from the future anyways so it doesn’t matter if I ask weird obvious questions.
“You need to clean your room.” He responded not answering my question.
He always said that even in the future. I never did clean my room then or now.
“Dad what school am I going to?” I asked.
“I don’t know me and your mother are thinking of putting you in a couple of schools.”
I remember. I spent 5 years at this one school until they added common core which really fucked up my learning and they decided for my last year of elementary they are putting me in a different school. I remember being extremely mad about that because all my friends went there. I remember going to an extremely hard school in fourth grade. I probably would be fine this time around considering I remember all my studies in school. But to be honest the only reason that was the worst year of my life was because I went to that school. I could try and convince them to bring me to the one they would inevitably end up putting me in after I almost failed in the other one. If this is real I should at least TRY and change my future.
“Can I go to Rose Lane?” Let’s hope they agree then I can meet one of my friends who went there and skip that other shitty ass school. “I heard it’s a good school and it’s really close by.” I said eyes gleaming.
My mom walks in from the living room.
“I want to go to Rose Lane for my 4th grade please.” Now asking my mom.
“Why? Where did you hear about this school?” She says.
“I don’t know I think I heard of it on the news or something can I pretty please go to that one.”
I can be extra bratty if they decide to say no.
“We will think about it.” My mom says.
Ok that’s fine I have all summer to force them to enroll me there. If not, it’s okay I will make other friends but it’s going to be weird considering I’m literally 19 in a 10 something year old’s body. Let's hope I’m not going to date anyone. Would that be considered pedophilia? Jesus Christ I didn’t even think about this yet. I do remember guys having a crush on me. How am I supposed to date an elementary kid as a 19 year old. No way in hell. It’s bad enough I have to relive my life but to completely retain my mental maturity?! I’ve actually been cursed. I can't even question how the fuck this happened. I will never get the answer I just know it I’m stuck like this. Will I ever actually go back to my life or will I have to spend years like this?
I go outside and see how my yard was before construction. The tree in the backyard was much less full and tall. I walk over to my chicken coop and look in to see 4 chickens.
“Omg I remember these chickens.”
I named every single chicken I’ve ever had, I even named the ones we have in the future.
“Oh my god. This is messed up. I wonder if I take a nap I’ll go back to how things were. Oh shoot what if I don’t get in to the school? What if I don’t meet my best friends?”
No no I will choose which high school to go to. But I need to go to Shae Rock for middle school. My parents planned on taking me to my sisters school that was grades 5-12.
“I cant do that I almost failed out of that school too. I did like that school. Should I go there?”
My heart is pounding thinking about the life I had and how suddenly I have worry about my entire future.
My anxiety begins to pike thinking about having to relive my life all over again going through years of school and having to pretend to be 10. I walk back inside my room as I take a look around. I remember never even cleaning my room before junior year. The trash was piled up. At least its not that bad right now. I used to remember the family of my cousins always coming over to see my messy room and their parents giving me death glares as judgement passed on their face. The day they came over was the day I cleaned my room but I guess it still wasn't good enough for their eyes. I remember my cousin having such a good future and grades too. I was always jealous of my siblings and cousins. Everyone seemed to have their shit together.
Of course even though I was jealous I never did anything about it. I never cleaned my room spotless or even tried in school. Maybe I can do all that in the future. Now that I'm actually reliving life. I really wish I didn't wish to relive my life so far back. Elementary school? Really? What was I thinking. Maybe I can get good enough to go to Harvard or even go abroad.
Before I got stuck like this I was in 2025, I remember actively trying to learn Japanese at least I didn't forget that or any other education I learned. It will be easier the second time around. I think.
Night falls and I hear my mom saying dinner is ready. When I was younger every single night my mom made food for me and even put in a bowl, in fact I hate to admit this but she even did that when I was a senior in high school. I never asked her to, in fact I'd be fine if I had to get my own food and put it in the bowl myself. But she always brought my food and placed it on my desk or the table. In the morning she did the same. I guess I should appreciate her more for that, for taking the time to actually love me enough in a way some don't get loved. I sat down at my usually seat at the time, I didn't have a desk in my room so I always ate on the table. I got a desk pretty soon after school started including a laptop guess I have to act surprised when that happens. My mom set a bowl a spaghetti on the table in front of me, fork inside and everything. She even used to put drinks on the table for me. I always drank milk with my spaghetti. Yes I know that's weird. I don't do that anymore but I did miss eating it like this. That was before I learned that humans aren't really meant to drink other animals dairy. Not that I'm lactose or anything.
I stayed quiet that night eating while I watched my mom and sister eat in front of me. My dad usually ate in the backroom on the couch but occasionally he'd join us. Of course later in the future once I got my desk I stopped eating at the table and instead ate in my room, that's when my mom started eating on the couch.
I remember my sister used to stay up late probably around 11-2am. I was younger and I got tired faster so I usually went to bed at 9. Except this night I had a hard time sleeping. I wasn't used to sleeping so early. I was turned on my left just staring at the wall I used to put boogers on. I rolled on my back looking at the ceiling before I drifted off to sleep hoping this was a dream.
