Diamond Horizons

Present

What do you consider aperfect day? Have you ever felt as if you are walking on water, as if there is literally nothing in this world you can’t do? Have you ever held the stars, the moon, and the sun in your bare hands? Have you ever been asked questions like this? I don’t think many of us take time to think about our lives or analyze how we feel. I don’t think many of us even know who we are.

I felt that way many times in my life. I’ve also felt the lowest, and the highest. I’ve had it all.

I know this sounds strange. How can anyone be so sad that they can’t climb out of the pit they’ve placed themselves in? How can they then be so happy that they feel they hold the world in their hands?

I’ve been in both places.

I know it might make me seem as if I have a superwoman complex, but I assure you that’s not what it is. I simply made a promise to a man I love very,verymuch that I will live each day as if I hold the world in the palms of my hands. It’s not an easy promise to keep, but I’m determined to keep it. I’m determined to live, to love, to laugh and to reach for the stars.

What does that mean? It means I laugh every single day even when I want to cry. It means I go where I don’t want to go, and I find the best moments in every situation I’m in. It means I search for love, and I don’t say no to new adventures or new people because of fear — at least I don’t anymore. This also means I’m living my life as if each and every day is my last . . . because the reality is that life can be taken away in the blink of an eye. Not onlycanit be taken away, but I watched that very thing happen to someone I love very much.

A beautiful life was taken away from the love of my life just that quickly. One second we were on top of the world . . . then we blinked . . . and then everything came crashing down upon us. The mountain broke and the avalanche didn’t stop raining down.

Don’t be sad for me. I promised Bentley not to let life hold me down. I promised I wouldn’t let despair pull me under. I promised to hold the world in my very small hands and find the light in every single day.

I’ve mostly kept that promise.

I now cry one day a year in remembrance of the love of my life and the loss of not having him with me. I’m allowed one day a year to feel that utter despair, one day a year to cry big, fat ugly tears.

The other three hundred and sixty-four days I smile, I laugh, I try new adventures . . . and I’m free. I’m still searching for a sword powerful enough to free my wings, but at least I’m keeping my promise — at least I’m looking each and every single day for the wings that will make me fly.

“If anyone here has any objections to this marriage, please speak now or forever hold your peace.”

I come back to the present as the preacher says those words. I barely cover my scowl. I realize I forgot to tell him to leave those words out. I don’t know why they are ever included in a wedding at any time.

Who in their right mind allows someone to interrupt the most important day of their life? It’s crazy. Who would dare to actually stand up? Has it happened before? I’m sure it has. But it won’t at my wedding. No way, no how. No one has the right to interrupt a day that is about love and new adventures, and a new couple facing the world together.

I’m in beautiful Monaco, standing seaside at the Le Meridien Beach Plaza with a gentle breeze blowing across the gorgeous French Riviera. I’m standing hand in hand with a beautiful man who has a stunning smile, and his sparkling green eyes are looking at me as if I truly do hold the stars, moon, and sun in my hands. He looks at me with love, respect, and pride. Who can ask for more than that?

He proposed to me two days earlier and I unequivocally told him yes. He then rushed into action. Cameras are filming our impromptu wedding, and I don’t care. I don’t notice them, don’t notice the strangers in the crowd. Well, thereisone person in the crowd who I know, one person who is always with me in the good times and the bad. But other than her, other than my best friend, no one but William and me standing at the altar, matters. All I can see right now is William, this man who makes me laugh, who makes me free. I’m in love . . . well, as in love as I can possibly be with as broken as I’ve been for a very long time . . . and I’m getting married . . . again.

Our wedding venue is straight from a movie set. The view of the ocean with the sound of waves lapping only adds to the joy of our day. We will dance all day and make love all night. Nothing will stop us, especially some age-old tradition of a person standing up and saying they disapprove of what we’re about to do. I don’t bother looking out at the crowd as the preacher asks for objections.

“I love you,” William says to me.

“I love you,” I tell him. These three words, so difficult for me to say for a very long time, easily roll off my tongue. It’s funny how time can change a person. I know that time has changed me. It’s brought out feelings in me that I didn’t know it could. I’ve grown. I’ve lived, and I’ve started to fly. I’m almost where I need to be.

“If there are no objections, I’ll continue,” the preacher says. But before he can say more, there is a stirring in the crowd. I’m confused.

“I object,” a deep male voice calls out.

I’m beyond shocked. I have just been thinking about how impossible it is for anyone to object at a wedding. It obviously takes some major guts to do such a thing. But as the voice registers in my brain, all of the irritation leaves me. Iknowthat voice . . . I know it very well. I know what’s coming next.

“I’m sorry, William,” I say. He looks down at me in confusion before his eyes seek the voice in the crowd. Then his gaze meets mine again.

“What are you sorry about?” he asks.

As he asks the question, we watch several men in uniform move down the aisle. William Marks, the current winner of the famous Formula One Monaco Grand Prix, is confused. He’d just won the race two days earlier and then proposed to me on the spot after a whirlwind romance we have shared for the past two months. Now the crowd whispers as cameras click on William and me. They then turn and look at the approaching law officials.

“I’m sorry because all great adventures in life must come to their natural conclusion,” I tell him. I reach up on my toes in my stunning Jimmy Choo shoes to kiss his lips. His hand wraps around my back and he pulls me tight against his hard body as if he can protect me from the world and what is coming at us.

“Whatever it is, we’ll get through it together,” he tells me, conviction in his eyes. This is why I love this man — he believes in me just as he believes there’s so much more good in the world than bad. I hope this incident doesn’t change that in him.

“I’m so lucky to have met you.” I pause, tears in my eyes. I’m not ready to walk away from him. Our story has just begun, and it’s ending too soon — far too soon. “I think our time has come to an end,” I finish, a single tear slipping down my cheek.

“No. I refuse to believe that. Whatever you’ve done we’ll get through it together.” He’s pleading with me.

Some wonder what the formula for falling in love is. I can’t answer that, but I can say that if you open your heart to love, you can fall into it in a day. True love might take longer, but youcanfall in love in a single day. It might only be for a day, but a day in love is better than never feeling the emotion. I know; I have fallen in love many,manytimes in my life. I just don’t know how to make that love last for an eternity.

Before I can answer William, the voice that objected to our wedding speaks again. This time he’s at the head of the aisle, looking at us with burning eyes. I can’t read his expression beyond intense heat, just as I couldn’t read him years earlier. He was a dark mystery then . . . and he’s the same now.

“I object as this woman is already my wife,” the man says.

William gasps.

“Hello, Chase,” I say. “It’s good to see you again. “Maybe not in this situation, but it’s still good to see you again.” I mean it. I love Chase, too. I love all of the men who have come in and out of my life over the past decade. I always will. That doesn’t mean I’minlove with them, but nonetheless I love them.

“Hello, Charlie. It’s time to go,” Chase says. There’s no anger, no malice, and no victory in his tone, just simple determination and resignation. Somewhere in my mind I’ve known for a long time that this day would come. I’ve known that my past will come back to haunt me. I have no regrets. It’s all been worth it.

“What?” William stammers. He’s confused. Bulbs flash in our faces. The media loves this. Formula 1 driver who came out of nowhere and shocked racing fans and athletes around the world, is now in a romantic scandal. They can’t pay top dollar for stories this good. I can already see the headlines being written.

“I’m her husband,” Chase says. Then he sighs. “And I’m not the only one.” There’s the disappointment I hear in his voice. It breaks my heart a little bit. I’ve never wanted to hurt anyone in my journey, but I’m very aware I have. I didn’t do that on purpose. I’ve done what I’ve needed to do to be free. Maybe I’ve been too selfish. I don’t know.

“You’re already married?” William asks. He takes a step away from me, looking so lost and confused. It’s the first time I’ve seen anything other than love and laughter in his eyes as his gaze rests on me. It hurts my heart.

“Yes, I’ve been married . . .” I pause. Then I smile, and firm my shoulders. I’m not ashamed of the life I lived. “I’ve been married twelve times.” I stop again. “You’d have been number thirteen.” He’s going to find out. I’d rather it’s from me. I wish I could have more time to explain it all to him. Would he understand? I don’t know.

The crowd gasps as more camera flashes explode. It’s more than apparent the news is all coming out. I might as well face the cameras now. I inwardly cringe when I realize my parents will find out about this. I’m not sure what they’ll think. Will they assume my soul is now damned? I’m not sure about my soul. It’s been gone since the day Bentley was ripped from my arms. I do still have a heart, though, and the thought of hurting my parents crushes me.

“Why?” William asks me.

“It will all be explained,” I tell him. I lift my hand and cup his square jaw. He’s a beautiful man with a beautiful heart. “There’s no way I can in less than a minute. I’m sorry.”

He looks as if he might cry. Hurting him is the worst punishment I can receive. It makes me realize I’ve hurt the others . . . I just wasn’t there to see their pain. I might not be ashamed of what I’ve done, but knowing I’ve caused pain is like a stab to my heart.

“I’m sorry.”

“Me, too,” he whispers. I’m not sure what he’s sorry about, but my time with him is over as Chase takes me away.

Chase doesn’t handcuff me. He simply takes my arm and leads me down the aisle. I had expected to take that happy walk down the aisle with William this time as I’ve already gone down another one with Chase, but plans often change. I decide to go with it. What else am I supposed to do? I smile as I raise my face and let the beautiful rays of sunlight warm my cheeks. I might not be in the sunshine for a very long time after this day.

My veil flutters in the breeze as we reach the end of the rose-strewn path. and then I stop. I won’t walk away in shame. I won’t stand here and chastise myself or be filled with self-doubts. I’m sorry I’ve hurt people, but I’ve sacrificed a lot in my life, and I won’t be sorry for finding a way to ease my pain.

Chase looks at me with suspicion. I know he wonders if he needs to cuff me or not. I’ve never been cuffed before. It could be fun. That thought makes me giggle. Chase is tense next to me.

“I won’t run,” I tell him.

“You’re good at running, I’m not sure I trust you not to,” he replies.

“I won’t run,” I repeat as I pat his arm. Then I turn, my back to the crowd.

“Thank you for coming everyone,” I call out. I quickly lift my beautiful bouquet high above my head and toss it behind me, not turning back to see if anyone reaches for it, or if they scatter, afraid to touch the bouquet of someone they assume is a criminal. I’m sure the cameras are getting perfect pictures of it arcing through the air, though. Maybe I’ll be lucky enough to see an image of my beautiful wedding bouquet on its journey to some young hopeful young woman. Isn’t the goal to fall in love and live a happy life? It’s been my goal for a lot of years.

“I’m ready now,” I say. I place my arms in Chase’s just as I had years earlier, and then I walk down the rest of the aisle with him, this time not knowing where I’m going at the end of the walk . . . I don’t have my best friend leading the way; this time I’m on my own.

I’ll be okay though. I’m always okay. Let the new adventure begin. Let the next chapter of my life be written. I’m ready.