Room full of people
I am sitting here in a room full of people where i feel lonely the most. They laugh, smile and talk and no one even dares to look at me nor listen to me. That's when it hit me again - the lonliness-. If only you were here someone would listen, if only you were here someone would make me smile, if only you were here...
Well i accepted it, i tried. It is already 2 weeks since we say good bye.
I looked around me, trying to find a reason for this feeling, guess what, i find none.
Why would i be sad.. right? it's not like we're something.. it's not like we're together.. right?
I stand up, walk around, then i tried to talk with the family, but damn! No one understands me like you do, no one laughs with me like you did, no one memorized me like you did. What more funny here is.. you know me more than they did.
Back to this room, it is bustling and loud, but here i am, sitting in the corner, i stare on my phone for more than an hour. 'Would you change your mind?' i think again for the nth time. Suddenly a loud laugh silenced the room, they turn to the sound's direction, suddenly their eyes bore to me.
"oh.. uhh.. sorry, it's just a meme" i said sheepishly.
Damn! Now i'm being weird, why would i laugh alone like that???? oh yeah.. trying to distract myself, for sure if you were here you'll look at me and you'll say "crazy!" BUT YOU WEREN'T HERE!!
ok ok, focus!! I gave my self a pat on both cheeks, i grab my phone and scrolls furiously. Gotta get you out of my mind!!
phone buzzes
i grab my phone in an instant.
SHIT. It's my damn instinct
"thought it was him?"
"hell nah!! Why would i expect??" i denied, but in truth.. i wish it was you
i turned to my notes again. What time is it anyway? oh.. 9:00 am "he should be still asleep" i muttered
"get your shit together, girl"
"you still heard it?"
"still thinking of him, i see"
"oh shut up" yes, i can still remember every little thing you do
"what are you guys anyways?"
"none of your business" but in truth i just didn't know what to answer
I turn back to my phone, you know when life is playing with you, the destiny would send the most relatable videos on insta reels. The sound plays over and over again.
"maybe we were meant to be a lesson for each other"-the ones we once love by: ben and ben
i scrolled it after more than 5 times then..
"maybe we got lost in translation Maybe i asked for too much But maybe this thing was a masterpiece 'til you tore it all up" - All too well by Taylor Swift
Wow! From "Enchanted" to "All too well" and "For ones we once loved".
As the clock ticks my mind goes from full of thoughts to blank.. then a tear drop on my phone, i quickly wipe it away before anyone notice it.
It hurts even if we say that it is nothing. It hurts even if it's just a good bye.
Eventually i got bored from scrolling through countless of reels. I exit from insta and move to a game.. the cheerful song plays on the background, i started gathering resources in the game..
"hey, did you liked the game? or are you just playing it because of me?"
"no, no, it's ok. I am enjoying"The memory echoed in my mind.
I miss him, i will be lying if i say i am not. I suddenly stopped playing then i grab my sketch pad.
"you're being awfully quiet" says my mom
"oh.. just.. tired" i answered
The day continues. I finished my drawing, i grabbed my phone snapping a pic of my work and almost hitting send
wait.. what am i doing? i catch my self before i hit the send button.
"get a grip, it's already 2 weeks" i muttered to my self
I'm in a room full of people, yes, but still.. it's still your familiar face i am looking for, it's your familiar voice i wanted to hear and your comforting presence i wanted to feel. You know i'd still choose to be with you despite being in a room full of people that doesn't even know my name, i'd still choose you rather giving forced smile and fake laughs.
I watched everyone around me, they're too preoccupied, too busy, too engrossed to their own little worlds, i tried to talk to them, but as usual no one would listen. It's like i'm talking to a thin air.
I tried to busy myself once again to other things, but since i have nothing to do i just.. sit there. Thinking.
"do you think we'll still talk when you move (to different country)?"
"i am not sure.. but at east we're still talking right?" again, memories echoes in my mind.
You're.. cool and chill, a complete contrast of my cheotic self. You can be a joker, a brother, a friend... a lo.. i mean ehem, a good friend.. yeah a good friend, swear i didn't meant to say "lover".
You were everything i wanted, you gave me the experiences i never experienced. You made me a lovesick, you made me obsessed, you made me a better person, you made me confident, you made me feel special.. you.. you made me happy, you.. you made me a delusional person. Yes you! you made my heart flutter when i didn't want to, you made a singer when i am not, you made me everything i am not in the best way possible. Yes you were the one to blame.
But still, even if i'm in a room full of people, i still feel lonely because i know it'll be only you who will fill this void, because even if i am in this room full of people, it'll be still you i wanted to be with.
