We Could

Her breath was light. She seemed to be in a deep sleep yet one would never know by how light she looked.

I could watch her sleep for hours. Sounds creepy, I’m aware.

It had been nearly a year yet it had felt like no time had ever passed. We weren’t technically dating, I had never been one for labels, and that seemed to bother her. I could tell, but she never said anything. I hated to admit I missed the effortlessly teasing, the push and pull. There was no push and pull when you already had it.

I slowly moved out of the bed, careful not to wake her. I snuck out of the bedroom and made my way downstairs. I was able to move out of Kevon’s place and afford my own place, it wasn’t much compared to where I was previously. It was my place.

I made myself a cup of coffee, letting out a soft exhale. I had a long day ahead of me and I wasn’t looking forward to it. I really wasn’t.

I trusted Kevon with my life, as much as he bugged the shit out of me. He did have quite a big mouth though, so I had to keep hush on a few things I needed to talk to because he would have slipped up and told Raven who would, of course, tell Kynzi.

Kevon ended up dumping Raven for good a few months ago and she didn’t take it well. She ended up keying all his expensive cars and even egged his house. It wasn’t working for him and she overreacted instead of being mature over it. Shit, if she didn’t do any of that shit, there could have been a future between them. I took his side and Kynzi took hers. I told her that she was fucking crazy when Raven was in the wrong. She was lucky that he didn’t call the police on her. How could you back up someone like that? She eventually came to her senses, apologizing to me instead of Kevon and it ended there.

I had shit back home to deal with and I didn’t want to go, but I knew I had to go. I haven’t told Kynzi. She would want to go and I didn’t want her to worry. I opened up to her about my own sexual abuse and she was devastated. I didn’t like seeing her upset. I hated seeing her upset.

I heard light shuffling before little footsteps jogged down the stairs. In just a moment, she joined me in the kitchen. “Good morning!” She was extra energetic this morning.

I gave a little smile, offering her a cup of coffee, which she politely declined. “Good morning, any plans for today?”

“I think Raven and I are going shopping today. I could stop by later, though.”

I noticed that she had lost the spark of schooling, she never put her studies first like before. I’ve encouraged and I’ve suggested, but she said she’d do it later every time. She was so caught up with being with me.

“Nah, you don’t have to tonight. I’m hanging out with the boys.” I lied to her before sipping my coffee. “It’s been a while, y’know?”

I saw a brief glimpse of disappointment before she nodded.

“But, we’ll stay tomorrow night together.”

A smile grew on her face, nodding her head. “I’ll see you tomorrow. You know how Raven gets sometimes, can’t be late.” She walked up to me and I leaned down to meet her lips. They were always so soft, I could kiss her every breathing moment if I could. I watched her turn her heels and I didn’t notice that she even fully dressed herself. I will admit I checked her out as she walked away. Can’t blame a guy, not with an ass like hers.

I finished my coffee while juggling the two options in my head. I knew I didn’t want to go and technically I didn’t have to. I needed to, though. I placed my mug in the sink before deciding that I should get myself together before I changed my mind.

I took a long shower, longer than I had planned, and put on a pair of jeans and a tee shirt. I shoved some clothes into my bag and grabbed my shit.

I’ve lied many times in my life, I wouldn’t consider myself a liar though, but I felt terrible for lying to Kynzi. I had to.

I hurried outside, locking the door behind me before tossing my shit in the back seat of my car. I jogged to the other side of my car, opening the driver’s side door and getting inside. I started my car, slamming the door once I got situated.

Kynzi would be pissed at me. I had a gut feeling. I would have to tell her that we couldn’t hang out tomorrow after promising that we would. I would have to tell her I was busy doing something else when in reality, I’m handling the baggage I had hidden.

I drove for nearly eight hours, it was only six, but I kept turning around to avoid going. I wasn’t sure how my mother got my number, but it was too late to question it, she had found me.

I pulled into the driveway of my childhood home. They never left. They must have heard me pulling up because my mother, Olivia, came running out. It had been nine years since I’ve seen her, yet she still looked the same. Of course, there were new wrinkles over her face and I could see the grey hair at her roots from where she hadn’t covered it with hair dye again.

I turned off the car, taking a deep breath before getting out. I slammed the door behind me as she ran up to me, yanking me into a hug. I’ve missed her. So much. I returned the hug, holding her for a little longer. I did regret leaving without a word, she never did anything wrong. If I told her, I knew she would set the world on fire for me. Why didn’t I just tell her?

“You look so much older, hun. And, you’re so tall.” My mother said, taking a good look at me when she pulled away. I could see her eyes becoming watery and I had to pull myself away fully. I opened my back door, leaning in and sliding my bag over to me.

“Age happens to the best of us.” I closed the back door, gesturing back into the house before I followed her up the porch. The memories began to come through, but I shook my head to push them away. “How’s he doing?”

“Not well, he’s in bed now. He’ll be happy to see you, though.” She closed the door behind us. “It’s late, head up to your room… You should get some rest, so go get settled and we’ll all catch up in the morning.” She gave my arm a light squeeze and I nodded my head.

I walked up the stairs and the top one creaked the same way it had always. I already regretted this. I didn’t know if he still lived here. It didn’t seem like it, his shit wasn’t all over the place as it used to be. I walked up to the door of my previous bedroom, holding the knob for a little longer than I expected it. I pushed the door open and immediately turned on the light. It was too dark. I looked around before stepping inside.

Everything was the same. They never changed it. The bed was still in the same corner as it had always been. I remembered begging my father to help me move it. I felt like it helped prevent him from coming in. He couldn’t get me from both sides and it would take him longer to get to me. I would wake up before he got to me. That’s what I thought. I was oh so wrong.

I tossed my bag onto the floor before closing the door behind me. I felt heaviness over my body. I wished they changed things, I wished they threw all this shit away, so I wouldn’t have to look at it anymore. So, I wouldn’t feel like the terrified fifteen year old I was again. I locked the door, grabbing the chair and putting it under the doorknob again before I realized what I was doing. It was a subconscious movement. I stared at it for a moment, deciding that I felt safer with it there.

I walked to the bed, sitting down before removing my shoes. I glanced at my phone for the first time in what seemed like forever. I had four missed calls from Kynzi from about an hour ago and I decided I was too tired to call right now, so I decided I’d talk to her in the morning. I laid back in the bed, staring at the ceiling. I didn’t turn the light off. I felt more comfortable with it on.

I didn’t seem well last night, I kept waking up in a sweat. I should have booked a hotel room because being here was triggering. I pulled myself out of bed, still drained from the night. I moved toward the door, moving the chair and unlocking it. I grabbed my shirt from the bag it was laying on and pulled it over my head. I picked up my phone, deciding to call Kynzi before I made myself known to be awake.

“Hello?” Her soft, groggy voice came through the other end. I must have woken her. I let out a sigh, it was so nice hearing her voice.

“Hey, I’m sorry I didn’t call last night. You know they are.” I said, similar to the words she used yesterday about Raven. “How was your day? Anything fun happen?”

“Ugh, don’t get me started,” Come on, Kynzi. Ramble on like you do, I need to hear your voice. “Raven tapped into the savings she had, the one we swore to use for emergencies only, to buy herself a pair of shoes. Shoes! I was pissed at her all day and she said it was totally worth it.”

I smiled a little to myself, shaking my head. I went to speak but heard a knock on my door before it opened. “Oh, you’re awake! I made some breakfast, so come down. I’m sure you’re hungry after coming over.” My mother’s eyes twinkled a little as if she was still surprised I was here. I nodded my head, watching her close the door behind her.

“Who was that?” Kynzi’s voice snapped me out of my thoughts. I had forgotten for a brief moment that I was on the phone with her.

“It was no one, don’t worry.” I lied to her, hating myself for doing so.

“Umm… It was most definitely someone. Who was it?”

Fuck. This does not look well on my end. “I said it was no one.” I groaned under my breath before I heard some shuffling over the phone like she was sitting up.

“Ace I-”

I already knew she was pissed, so I cut her off. I didn’t need this on top of everything else. “Just drop it. I’ll text you later.”

“Later? I thought I was supposed to be coming over.”

“Shit, I forgot. Listen, something came up, babe. I’m a little busy today, but I’ll make it up to you.” I had no clue how long I’d be here. I couldn’t set another date that I would probably bail on.

“Are you fucking someone else?”

“What? No! Are you insane?”

“I can’t believe you! You totally are!”

I pinched the bridge of my nose, wanting to die at that moment. “Chill down. I’ll text you later.” I moved the phone from my ear and hung up. I probably shouldn’t have told her to calm down. And, I probably shouldn’t have hung up afterwards. If I told her I was at my parents' house, she would have so many more questions. I couldn’t deal with that shit right now.

I watched my phone ring with her caller ID and let it go to voicemail. I watched her call two more times before a few messages began to come through. I shook my head, tossing my phone back onto the bed. Fuck!