Twang

And how shalt I begin to express the origins of mine own being? If it’were an easy tale, I wouldst have spoken it already. From mine earliest days, I have suffered. Even to this day, mine life, mine demise, all of it hath been suffering.

Whence was it? About a millennia and four and a half centuries prior to now. The time hath passed, yet the scars remain, an ever remaining testament of my trials and tribulations. For lo, I hath verily seen with mine own eyes, the tragedy for which many hold in grand glory.

Where once the world had been split into a million pieces, a so called hero arose and sealed the lands. For long ago, a king had two sons, and when he perished, he split the land amongst his two offspring. Continuing the tradition, every king after wouldst then split their kingdom amongst their own offspring. Some kingdoms, as it were, spread thousands of miles containing millions of peoples.

Other kingdoms were rather small, containing only the royal family and a few peasants that may have fled from surrounding kingdoms. Some kingdoms traded amongst themselves, others were caught in eternal turmoil. Until that day. The day the mighty Charlemagne arose. They herald him a hero as in the end, he reunited the kingdoms…but I, alone, know of the true horrors, the true evil, that the so called hero threw us into.

Verily, he is a villain upon mine eyes. For I wouldst have surely lived much longer if for his brutality not. I would it were that he had never done as he did. Therefore, I telleth thee, thereabouts wath I, mere a babe and filled with innocence.

I knew not, at the time, what ‘t’was that wath occurring. I heard screams, cries, and only when I was older didst the knowledge I obtained. A mighty man by the name of Charlemagne had gone palace to palace, slaying any and all he could find. He moved like lightning; nobody knew from whence he wouldst appear.

With fangs a glittering, he slew royals, draining them of their own blood. For lo, Charlemagne wath, and verily is so, a Vampire. I recalleth in part, a woman, a servant, rescued me. I wath snatched from mine crib and carried, I wath, to safety.

Alas, safety, but not for long. Mine servant couldst feed me not. As I grew, I requirethed more feedings. I held on as long as I couldst, for I would that life wouldst returneth to normalcy.

Nay, for whilst mine servant fed me what little she couldst, she fed not herself. Mine servant perished, holding me close. I, too, verily could feel the pull of death. Mine life was coming to a close… Lo and behold, the hero of every person had arrived!

On seeing me in mine servant’s dying arms, the great and mighty Charlemagne had pity upon me. He then brutally murdered me by sinking his fangs deep into my neck, salivating into the wounds. Verily, I met mine demise that day. I would often that it were not so. T’would have been better for everyone if t’were so.

Verily, I perished and became a monster, a Vampire like Charlemagne. And like Charlemagne I didst become. I regret it to this day, but I slew many just as Charlemagne did before me. I drained them of their blood, devouring every last drop.

For a time, Charlemagne and I reigned as kings over the new empire. Eventually, though, eventually, it came to an end. Charlemagne contracted pleurisy and his lungs became too ill… Breathing became harder and harder… When, then, they found him, unbreathing, they had buried him. Lo, but listen, Charlemagne had perished not.

I snuck in and robbed his grave. Together, we snuck away to a far away land where nobody knew of the mighty Charlemagne. These days, it gets harder. Thus, we call him Charlie these days and a single soul bats not their eyes.

“EADRIC!”

-Speak of the devil and he shall appear…-

“Yes, Charlemagne?” I ask, sighing and rolling my eyes like a teenage girl despite being a 1,409 year old boy.

“WHY- does your school report on Charlemagne say ‘From personal experience, Charlemagne has a massive nose like a big white potato and he smells like wolf aah. His clothes are ill-fitting and he constantly has to stop to unstick his wedgie. He eventually died of Pleurussy. RIP Bozo!’?!” Charlemagne asks.

“Uhhhh,” I say, grimacing. “Why are you reading my school work?”

The others burst out laughing. Oh yeah, over the years, we opened our home to a few other Vampires. We’re not related, but we share this house. Our common bond is that we all were forced into this terrible state of undeadness by His Majesty Charlemagne… Ugh…

Every 235 years or so, a new Vampire joins the family. Charlemagne keeps promising he’s done killing people, and then “Oopsie-Whoopsie! I accidentally turned another human into a Vampire!” And then we just all live in his house together as if nothing ever happened. There’s me, Eadric, Hadassah, Adalhaid, Yoshiyahu, Roslindis, and Timotheos.

Well, that’s what I call us. Our current names are Ed, Essie, Allie, Josh, Linda, and Theodore. We live in America now and I now only speak “funny” on occasion. I have everything I ever could have wanted and yet… I got this funny feeling that SOMETHING is still missing…