Who The Heck Are You???
The window creaked open at 1:49 a.m.
Theo sat up so fast he pulled something in his neck.
There was a person halfway through his second-story bedroom window. Tall, pale, dressed like a Victorian funeral, and... holding a board game...?
"WHO THE HECK ARE YOU?!" Theo shouted, reaching for literally anything to throw. His alarm clock hit the floor with a tragic crunch.
The man blinked, still straddling the windowsill like a very polite gargoyle. "Oh! You're awake." He said brightly.
"Yes, I'm awake, because someone's committing B&E with bonus accessories!"
The stranger stepped fully into the room, brushing imaginary dust off his sleeves. "My name is Mordecai. I sensed your loneliness and came to offer friendship."
Theo gaped. "You broke into my room to be friends???"
"And to play Scattergories"
He held up the box with both hands, like Simba in The Lion King.
He pulled out a juice box that looked suspiciously ancient and an aggressively wrapped granola bar from inside his coat.
"Whose box is that?"
"I found it abandoned in the attic of an elementary school. It spoke to me." Mordecai paused. "Literally. There was a ghost."
"Okay. No. Absolutely not." Theo grabbed his phone. "I'm calling the cops."
Mordecai's eyes widened. "Wait! I brought more snacks." He reached into his coat and pulled out a handful of string cheeses and a single banana that looked like it had seen the rise and fall of several empires.
Theo stared at him bugeyed. "I'm not doing this right now." He started dialing.
"Don't! They're so rude. One time I offered them a backgammon set and they threw me out of a Walgreens."
Theo froze. "You've done this before?!"
"Friendship is hard," Mordecai said solemnly. "Sometimes you have to really try."
"THIS ISN'T TRYING. THIS IS A FELONY."
"I also have Uno," Mordecai added quickly. "If that changes things."
Mordecai looked genuinely hurt.
"I just thought you might need a friend," he said, lowering the Scattergories box like it had personally failed him. "It's hard, being human. So full of feelings and unresolved trauma."
"I'm seventeen. I haven't earned trauma yet."
"Oh. Give it time."
Theo squinted. "Are you threatening me?"
"No! I'm relating."
There was a long silence. Theo's hand hovered over the emergency call button on his phone. Mordecai, still rooted in place like a sad, ancient tree, shifted his weight awkwardly.
"You looked sad. On Tuesday. Near the vending machine. I watched for three days and calculated that you lack meaningful peer bonds."
"You've been watching me?!"
Mordecai nodded proudly. "Like a guardian shadow. Or one of those dogs that sense earthquakes."
"Okay. You're insane. Get out."
"I don't mean you harm. I took a friendship quiz online and scored a ninety-two."
"I only want to protect you. And maybe... hang out. Play a little Yahtzee."
Theo pointed at the window. "Out."
"But-"
"Window. Now. Before I call the cops, a priest, and a pest control guy."
Mordecai sighed like someone who had been misunderstood for centuries. "Very well," he murmured, turning with all the drama of a Shakespearean ghost.
But as he stepped back onto the windowsill, he paused.
From the inside of his coat, he pulled a silver pendant strung on a thin black cord. He held it out like it was something precious.
"Here," he said softly. "For protection. There are things far worse than me out there."
Theo eyed it suspiciously. "This is... half of a 'Best Friends Forever' necklace."
Mordecai hesitated. "It's ancient."
"It says 'BE FRI' in glitter gel."
"It's enchanted."
"It's from Claire's."
"Claire was a very powerful sorceress," Mordecai said flatly. "You're welcome."
"It smells like bubblegum."
Mordecai didn't blink. "Take it."
Theo hesitated, then snatched it just to make him leave faster.
Mordecai stepped up onto the windowsill once more, pausing to strike a heroic pose in the moonlight.
"We'll speak again soon."
"Not if I install a panic room.”
And with a swish of his coat, Mordecai was gone.
Theo stood in stunned silence for a full minute before locking the window, drawing the blinds, and muttering, "I need more friends. And probably a garlic plant."
He looked down.
He stared at the necklace in his hand.
"...I'm...going to die."
