Mafia Mayhem

Lena had imagined a lot of things about what it would be like married to the mafia boss. All the swanky cars and luxurious dinner’s. Hell she was even hoping for a dramatic rooftop confrontation where she’d have to scream, ‘You’re better than this Caleb!’ while rain poured down and there was thunder booming. You know the weather really sets the scene. She really hopes that pops up at some point. She’s waited her whole life for that moment. But, instead Lena was standing in their kitchen, watching her six- foot- two brooding, ‘dangerous’ husband wrestle with a broken coffee machine like the thing had personally offended him. “Caleb, you alright there, love?” Lena drawled, biting back her smile of amusement. It would no good for him to go into a huff thinking she wasn’t taking his situation seriously enough. “I’ve got it.” Caleb clenched his jaw as he aggressively slammed the machines lid over and over again, his biceps flexing like he was challenging the damn thing to a street fight. My god he was hot even whilst fighting an inanimate object. “This piece of junk is not going to win. For god’s sake, the stupid bastard.” Caleb cursed at the machine repeatedly. “It’s a Nespresso.” “It’s a demon.” Caleb glared at the machine like it owed him money. “I am a dangerous man not to be trifled with, I am the head of a criminal empire. My name strikes fear into men. I should not and will not be defeated by a simple household appliance.” “Maybe this is a metaphor, sent to you by some higher power,” Lena offered thoughtfully and oh so helpfully “Like, I don’t know, you can’t control everything. Life is the coffee, and sometimes the machine just refuses to brew. It’s actually quite poetic, if you think about it. It belongs on a t-shirt.” Caleb scowled at Lena looking like someone had just kicked his puppy, it was quite adorable actually not that Lena would tell him that. “Did you just turn my suffering into a life lesson and possible business idea?” Caleb asked in disbelief. “Of course, it’s why you married me didn’t you know. I’m the light to your dark, the brains to your stupid and the only one who will tell you where to shove it, when you’re being an asshole. Which is quite often.” Lena was grinning quite brightly at Caleb quite please with the way she could annoy him. Caleb muttered under his breath and Lena was pretty sure he was saying, ‘I need a divorce’. But since Caleb had yet to stop glaring at the Nespresso machine, Lena doubted he meant it. Or even afford it if she was honest. She was priceless. “Just press the button like a normal person,” Lena said stepping closer, “See? Easy.” She jabbed at the machine. Nothing happened. “Huh. Okay, so maybe-” The coffee maker let out an aggressive sputter and unleashed a volcanic stream of brown liquid directly onto Caleb’s chest. For a long moment, they both stood in silence. Coffee dripped from Caleb’s shirt, his arms remained stiff at his sides like he was a freshly waxed statue of a man contemplating every decision that had ever led to him to this moment. Finally, Lena broke. She snorted. Then cackled. Then Lena just doubled over, clutching the counter for support. “Oh my god. Caleb. Did you just-” “I swear,” He grunted through clenched teeth, “If you say one word-” “You were bested by a coffee maker.” She pointed at him triumphantly, tears forming in the corners of her eyes. “A coffee maker Caleb.” “It was a tactical miscalculation.” “Oh, absolutely, you should’ve interrogated the thing first. Maybe waterboarded it a little. You missed your chance to get some valuable intel out of the thing.” Caleb swiped the dish towel off of the counter and furiously scrubbed at his soaked shirt. “You know, most wives are supportive of their husband’s” “I am supportive. Emotionally. Through laughter. I’m offended you’d even suggest otherwise.” Caleb tossed the towel aside, deeming his shirt a lost cause, and gave her a deadpan look. “I could have you killed for disrespect.” Lena stepped closer to Caleb, running her finger down his coffee streaked chest. “But then who would mock you for losing a battle against Mr Coffee Machine?” “That’s the point.” He deadpanned. Just as Caleb opened his mouth to talk again the coffee machine gave an ominous hum, like it was preparing for round two. Lena quickly stepped away, half expecting it to start belching smoke, or even launching more coffee out. Caleb however, stood his ground, glaring at the appliance like it had personally betrayed him and killed his dog. “Careful.” Lena teased. “It’s already won one battle today. You don’t want to lose to it for a second time. Your reputation would never recover.” Caleb scowled at Lena his jaw tight. “I am not losing to that God forsaken coffee machine.” “That’s not what the coffee machine say’s.” Lena sing songed. “I’m sorry what?” Lena grinned “You didn’t hear it? That hum just now? It was definitely a victory chant.” Lena cupped her hands around her mouth and did her best mechanical whirr impression. “Caleb is a little biiiiitch.” Caleb’s eye twitched. “You are absolutely insufferable.” “And yet,” She said sipping her iced coffee with a smirk, “you married me anyway.” “I think you tricked me.” “Oh definitely, my best con yet.” She beamed at him entirely unrepentant. Caleb opend his mouth again, most likely for one last dramatic rebuttal, when the coffee machine let out another loud, unsettling groan. Caleb quickly backed away causing Lena to bite down on her lip, barely able to contain her laughter at the sight. “See? Even the coffee machine knows you’re pathetic.” Caleb let out a long loud groan “This is humiliating.” “I think you’re doing that all on your own, sweetheart.” Caleb scowled down at the coffee splattered floor like it was part of a rival gang that had just insulted his mother. “I run an empire. People fear me. And I can’t even make a damn cup of coffee.” Lena, the picture of smug satisfaction, leaned against the counter and sipper her iced coffee like it tasted sweeter than victory itself. At least she had managed to get her own coffee this morning. “It’s humbling, isn’t it?” Caleb shot Lena a glare that was probably intended to be intimidating, but considering he was still holding the mangled remains of the coffee pot lid, it just looked pathetic considering he’d just lost to a coffee pit and was still holding it’s mangled remain’s. “You know,” She continued , “This wouldn’t have happened if you let me teach how to use the machine properly.” “I don’t need lessons, Lena.” Caleb’s voice lowered like he was trying to reclaim some semblance of dignity. “It’s a coffee machine. Not a missile launcher.” “Well, thank God for that, she quipped, “because if it was, the whole block would be in flames.” Caleb grumbled something under his breath that Lena was fairly certain was not appropriate for polite company. Not that they ever had polite company step foot into their house. “Oh, cheer up, sweetheart.” Lena reached up and patted Caleb’s cheek with an exaggerated pout. “I still believe in you. Next time, I’m sure you’ll remember that the beans go inside the grinder. Not... you know, scattered across the kitchen like a caffeine massacre.” “You could try not to be all smug and sarcastic you know. Like a nice wife.” Caleb totally was not pouting at Lena. She snorted. “To be fair, it’s not my fault you sound like a disgruntled golden retriever when you’re mad.” Caleb looked positively affronted, “I do not.” “Really? Because last week, I’m pretty sure you growled at the microwave when it beeped too loud.” “That was a perfectly reasonable response, I had a head ache!” “Okay and what was the reason for when the toaster jammed.” “That was a malfunction, I was in my right to get frustrated.” “Oh, and let’s not forget when your driver was two minutes late, and you did that low threatening growl like you were auditioning for a werewolf novel ,” Lena grinned “I mean, the performance was moving, really. But maybe next time, skip the dramatic pacing.” “I dont pace.” Caleb was definitely affronted right now. “Okay you stomp, big difference.” Caleb’s nostrils flared as he clenched his jaw. “I intimidate.” Lena beamed, savouring this moment. “You’re adorable.” She just wanted to pinch his cheeks and give him a candy... Oh my god was she getting old. That was an old people thing right. Caleb opened his mouth, but no comeback came. Just a long, exasperated sigh as he set the broken coffee machine aside. “I’m going to shower,” Caleb finally muttered. “Try not to revel in your victory too much.” “No promises,” Lena called after him, already enjoying the prospect of reliving the entire morning for dramatic effect when his me inevitably asked why their fearless leader smelled faintly of coffee grounds. And just like that, Caleb decided he would show Lena what a proper growl was and making her take back her words. He was not adorable he was a goddamn mafia leader. Later that day... Caleb stepped closer to Lena, his eyes dark and intense, a growl rumbled from deep within him and all Lena could do was blink at him in confusion. It wasn’t sexy or mysterious. It was just weird. Lena took a step back looking at him weirdly “What the hell was that?” She asked bewildered. Caleb paused mid step clearly not expecting that reaction. He’d seen the books she had read had seen her let out a little giggle when the character growled in the books. He was a mafia boss. H e was everything she had read about, and he was right there in front of her using her favourite technique that the men in her books favoured. “What...” He blinked confused. “That growl,” she said, squinting at him, completely bewildered. “You know, the I’m a dangerous, tortured should who’s about to rip your heart out thing? Yeah, no. That was seriously bad. Like, I think I heard a cat hacking up a hairball earlier that had sounded better.” Caleb’s face twisted into a scowl “Excuse me?” Why wasn’t it working he kinda thought they’d be halfway to the bedroom and he was showing Lena the best sex of her life. That’s sort of how it’d play out in the book’s. What did he do wrong? “Yeah, honestly,” Lena said, crossing her arms, trying not to laugh. “It was like you were chocking on something. Are you sure you don’t need water or a throat lozenge?” Caleb took a deep breath , obviously offended. “You’re not serious.” Caleb muttered, his voice low and controlled, but there was an edge to it now. “This was supposed to be intense. A growl of warning, of power.” This was not how he thought it would go. Did he do the growl wrong? Should he try again? Maybe the first shocked her too much and so she didn’t get the full effect. “Power?” She repeated, raising her eyebrow. “What kind of power? The I can’t clear my throat power? I’m coming down with a cold power? Because, trust me, that’s not intimidating. It’s more I need to drink a warm cup of tea kind of energy.” Caleb clenched his his jaw. His deep frown making him look more like a brooding teenager than the dark, tortured man he was trying to portray. “I’ve not got a cold” Caleb growled out, totally not pouting whilst doing so, since that wouldn’t help the bad boy image he was trying so hard to portray. “I was trying to be-” “You’re trying to be a human growling machine? Seriously, Caleb, this isn’t some werewolf movie. It’s just weird.” Lena shook her head smirking because this scene was getting more and more absurd by the second. “If i wanted to be scared, I’d go watch a horror movie. You can’t just growl at people and expect them to fall into your arms. You know what would be more attractive. Talking to me and communicating your feelings of frustrations.” Caleb’s face had flushed a deep shade of red, his nostrils flaring as he seemed to be thinking over his next word’s extremely carefully. Painfully aware how much his wife loved to tease him and trying to save himself from any more embarrassment she’d quite happily throw his way. “So, you don’t think that was seductive?” He asked, as if the idea was almost too much too comprehend. He had worked so hard on his growl standing in front of the mirror and growling at it to make sure he had the right tone of growl and facial expressions paired with it. Week’s of hard work down the drain. “It was mystery, it was danger, it was...” “No.” Lena said bluntly, shaking her head. “It was no where near any of those thing’s. If I wanted to hear a man make animal noises at me love, I’d go to the zoo.” For a moment, Caleb just stood there, the shock was evident in his eyes. He had never in his life been criticized for his brooding, dangerous charm. Women practically melted when he smoldered at them or so he thought anyway. I mean he was a good looking man if Caleb did say so himself, not to mention he was rich and the leader of the local mafia. I mean people wrote books about men like Caleb. They just never wrote the part where the love of your life laughed in your face instead of falling to her knee’s. It was a blow to his ego Caleb would not lie but he could work with this he could get himself out of this mess. He’d been through worse, he could handle his wife, right?” “I don’t...” He started, but his voice faltered, clearly Caleb had been thrown off of his game “I didn’t mean to-” “You’re telling me you thought that was hot?” Lena asked her eyebrow raising in disbelief. He was lucky she loved him because he quite clearly was an idiot. “I get it, I do. You’ve got this whole dark and mysterious thing going on, but growling like your auditioning for a part in a low budget horror movie is not the vibe. Not even a little bit I’m afraid.” Caleb crossed his arms, his pride was taking a massive hit as he tried to salvage his wounded ego. “I just wanted to be intense” Caleb muttered more to himself than her. What’s the point of all those romance book’s if the shit didn’t work in real life. (Poor Caleb didn’t realise it was just because he couldn’t in fact pull it off in real life) “You were intense baby.” Lena started causing Caleb to perk up believing that perhaps their previous conversations was just his wife making fun of him as she absolutely loved to do. Any minute now she would tell him the growl did in fact work. However, she was a little shit and just liked making fun of him more and to hurry up and get his pants off so she could show him how much she did in fact like it. That poor delusional man... “But not in the way you think, more like in a ... a first date meet and greet at the local creepy carnival level.” Lena finished with a smirk. If Lena knew her husband, and she did, he would’ve felt a little bit of hope at that moment before she blew the hope out of the park. Caleb let out a long, frustrated sigh deflating as she finished her sentence. More fool him for thinking his wife would be nice to him and take pity on him. Caleb tried his best to regain his composure, Caleb asked “So you don’t like the growl?” “No.” She said flatly. “Not even a little bit, it was a bad idea wrapped up in an even worse delivery I’m afraid love. Maybe next time we just stick to regular word’s? Just say what you mean instead of trying to be some growling monster, okay?” For a moment Caleb just stared at her wondering what evil he had done in a past life to deserve this treatment. “You’re unbelievable,” He muttered under his breath. “Thank you,” Lena said with a cheshire cat grin “I do try.” There was a brief moment of silence before Caleb rubbed the back of his neck, clearly wrestling with the idea that maybe, just maybe, his whole “brooding, growling, dangerous guy” routine needed a little rework. “Okay, fine.” Caleb pouted “No more growls. Just... don’t expect me to be Mr Charming instead, alright?” Lena chuckled, “You can keep trying. I mean, you still look like you just walked out of a dark romance novel. Something will end up working eventually right.£ “I’ll take that as a compliment.” Caleb said, though his voice lacked it’s usual confidence. “A very back handed compliment,” Lena quipped back laughing. Caleb couldn’t help but smile, though, and for a second, the intensity faded away, leaving only the two. He wouldn’t have her any other way