Bad Dream
Sarah smiles at me as her long fingers slide up my thigh. My penis twitches and desire ignites within me.
She looks so beautiful with her blue eyes staring at me and brown hair cascading over her shoulder, but it's all a lie. She never wanted me. She isn't even here now. She is dead and gone. She can't touch me or lie to me.
I mentally push against the illusion as hard as I can but the image of her scantily clothed body and smiling face doesn't disappear. The small area of my mind that still desires her rejoices, but the rest of me begins to grow desperate.
"I only want you, Boyd. Can you not see that," she says and I try to shake my head.
I hate this dream. I hate the feeling of being weighed down as I gaze at her. Every time my eyes close at night my mind assaults me with her image or the memory of our short time together.
"I made a mistake, that's all. We can still be together," Sarah says and I push against the dream world again.
I want this to end before the next part happens. I want to wake up. I want to stop reliving what happened that day and move on with my life. I want the hole inside of my chest to disappear. I want to feel joy again. I want to feel happy. I want to enjoy being an uncle. I don't want to feel resentment toward my brother anymore.
"Shhh, relax Boyd. You will only be asleep for a little while and then we can be together. I will have what I want, and you can have me," dream Sarah says, and I try to scream.
I try to yell all the hateful things I want to say to her, but at the same time, my heart begins to ache because I know where she is going. I know about the vile plan she and her sister have put together. I know that my family will have to defend themselves..., and I know she will die.
Why wasn't I enough for her? Our inner wolves chose one another and she wasn't happy with me. She wanted someone better... She chose Fin over me.
The dream fades to black for only a second and then I am in the living room surrounded by blood. Sarah is lying on the floor with her sister, and Mike is staring down at both of them with a blank expression. Carmen is tucked under his arm and smiling evilly which doesn't suit her sweet face.
"We had to, Boyd. Sarah tried to sleep with Fin. Sydney marked Stan. We had no choice," Lewis says as he appears out of thin air and I try to walk away.
I don't want to see this again. I don't want to hear their crimes. I know what she did. I know our match was never meant to be. I know I have no one. I know I lost my mate. The one person meant for me.
"Get away. Shut up," I finally manage to growl, and the dream begins to become fuzzy.
"Shut up," I yell, and the images disappear completely as my eyes finally open.
My empty bedroom comes into view and I sigh in relief before sitting up. My sheets are twisted up at the end of my bed, and my body is covered in sweat, just like it is every night I have the dream.
I get out of bed and walk to my kitchenette. I get a glass of water. I must have had my mouth open the whole time because my throat feels like sandpaper.
I glance at the clock on my microwave and sigh, 3:48 a.m. I leave for the sale in Oklahoma in three hours. Maybe I could get away with getting things in the trailer this early. Benji or Lewis is probably on patrol. Neither of them will give me too much grief... not like Mike would.
I set down my empty glass and grab my jeans off the back of my chair. I yank them up my legs before heading for my closet for a fresh shirt.
I excused myself after dinner last night to pack my suitcases and save myself from watching all the happy couples, but from my room, I could still picture their smiling faces. I hate myself for feeling the way I do about my family every day, but the bitterness never disappears.
I don't think it ever will.
I shove my feet in my boots and head for the barn.
******
"Do you have the list of prospects? I believe the Running Springs bull has the best bloodlines," Stan says as he pours himself a cup of coffee and I nod.
Two hours of stalling out in the barn had been enough. I had to come inside and eat. I didn't think anyone would be up, but I was wrong. Stan's daughter had a bad dream that woke her early, and after putting her back to sleep, the wolf-less father was wide awake.
"I have his name highlighted. What's his cap," I ask and Stan leans against the counter as he looks at me.
"You know we could bid for a bull online. You don't have to go in person," Stan says before he takes a sip from his mug.
I shake my head.
"Better for me to haul him. We don't have to pay someone else for delivery and we don't have to walk on eggshells when the stranger gets here. Besides half the fun is bidding against everyone in person," I say while faking a playful smirk.
I need the escape and I know Stan is poking. It's clear to everyone I am spiraling. I just need a week away from this place. I need to escape the haunting memories and maybe find myself again.
Stan nods and puts his mug on the counter before crossing his arms.
"I would say his cap is $30,000. The other prospects are nice, so if his bidding goes past $30,000, just cut your losses. I would rather you return with two good ones rather than overpay for one. We know he will be a front-runner. We could always buy up some of his semen later in the season," Stan says as he eyes me and I nod.
"The Schaff Angus Valley sale... Should be other shifters there...," Stan says in a prodding kind of way and I sit back in my chair.
I cross my arms and meet his blue gaze head-on.
"Oklahoma Stockyards are pretty big. I doubt I will focus on the others there," I counter and he grins.
"So you aren't looking to leave us," he asks, getting to his point, and I growl a little.
"No. I plan on finding us our next money maker and coming back home to milk him dry," I reply and he chuckles.
"Lucky bull... Look Boyd, none of us would be upset with you if you wanted to distance yourself from the memories here. I'm just asking for a heads-up. We love you. We would, of course, miss you, but... Everyone can see how miserable you are. You shouldn't feel trapped inside of a pack. You should feel comfortable and happy," Stan says and I feel as if a knife is being twisted inside my chest.
There are so many things I wish I could explain. I wish I could lay out my feelings without them hating me, but that isn't possible.
Explaining to him that I wish the pups and cubs would disappear would make him want to kill me. Explaining how much I hate seeing sweet Carmen under my brother's arm would turn me into a villain. None of the females have done anything wrong. The pack is moving on. It is growing and I should be happy. Instead, I am bitter. I want everyone to feel as I do. I want their happiness to die... and that's wrong. I feel sick even thinking about it. I love everyone here. They deserve their happily ever afters. It's me that should leave, but I can't. I love them so much, but at the same time, I feel this bubbling annoyance toward them when they are happy around me.
"I will let everyone know if I ever choose to leave," I say quietly and he nods before picking his mug back up.
He leaves the kitchen and I look down at my half eaten eggs. Misery craves company, but I refuse to give over to it's request.
