Chapter 1.
I step outside. The warm air hugs me immediately. The sky is clear. The sun spots me. It's warmth, palpable; instantly bringing my pale skin to life. It tingles then relaxes. I fight the urge to push it away and run back inside. To retreat back to my safe place. Back to hiding from the world. I push on, determined to try my best to embrace it and welcome it. I try to channel as much positivity as I can, as I step onto the street.
Wearing my usual black t-shirt, black shorts, and my Dr. Marten boots, this was pretty much as summer ready as I got. No brightly coloured clothes hung in my wardrobe or lay scattered on my bedroom floor. No separating light from dark on wash days. Black was the only colour I wore.
My hair tied neatly into two small childlike buns, my usual hair style. It had been since I was fourteen years old. When its not tied this way, it is a mass of long waves. Not quite straight, however, not quite curly, somewhere in-between. My heavy fringe rested just above my eyebrows. Well, the right side did anyway. It was noticeably uneven. A result of me taking a pair of scissors to it myself. It allowed my piecing blue eyes to see the world, when they were not focused on the ground that is.
I weave in and out of the crowd. My arms folded tightly across my flat chest, something else that had not changed since I was fourteen. I would always ask my mother "Why is hair and legs the only thing growing on this body?" I believe I asked that question as recently as last week. Her reply was still the same. "Just wait Joyful it will happen." Well I waited, I am still waiting and guess what? It's not happening.
I am almost knocked over by a jogger. I apologise quickly when it really isn't my fault. He grunts and then has the audacity to look at me as though I am the weird one. For walking on the pavement? For doing exactly the very thing it was designed for? I go to shout at him. I want to tell him to go and jog in the park, however, I manage stop myself and just smile. Positive thoughts only. I tell myself and continue on.
I spot a dog walker to my left, so I quickly step as far to the right as the pavement will allow me, without ending up in the road. I hate dog walkers. In particular, ones that walk with their lead extended. The extendable dog lead in front of a shop doorway becomes a trip hazard to the unsuspecting shopper. The unsuspecting shopper of course was me. I said my goodbyes to the shopkeeper. Arms wrapped around the few items I had bought, regrettably refusing to pay for a bag. The dog lead stretched across the doorway. I didn't notice it until it touched my shins. My shopping is hurled into the air before it lands in the road, almost striking a car. The driver of which, throws a dirty look my way, as though I had done it on purpose. I managed to stop myself from falling. Everyone is looking at me. "Why didn't you see it? you silly cow." I heard someone murmur. Why the fuck was it there? The shopkeeper took pity on me and rushed into the road to retrieve my shopping. I turned on the water works and he replaced the damaged items. Which was nice of him. I always check shop doorways before exciting now. As for the dog walker, I am sure he chuckled to himself all the way home.
So deep in thought, about how the world wasn't as nice as it seemed, I almost pass my local Tesco. I rush inside. I don't have to venture in that far, as the the meal deal section is right at the front. Right next to the doors. I clock the security guard. He clocks me. I flash him a smile. He rolls his eyes. Charming. I reach for the ham sandwich and move onto the drinks. Water. Then I grab myself a small fruit bag. It tastes funny, but it's healthy. I turn to the security guard. He is still watching me. There is a queue at the self-serve. I wait. Finally, a light flashes. Someone needs help. The security guard pulls his eyes away from me and turns to lend a helping hand. I take my chance. I head for the door, for freedom. I make it outside. I don't look back. I keep walking. I spot the park up ahead. I need to make it. My heart is racing. I cross the street. I still don't look back. I reach the entrance to the park. I look back, and it's clear. I exhale loudly, not realising that I had been holding my breath the whole time.
I find a nice spot on the grass. Close to some trees, but, not too close that it blocks out the sun. I forget about rude joggers and inconsiderate dog walkers/owners, as I place myself down comfortably on the warm grass.
I set down my meal deal and swing the bag off my back. I reach inside and grab my notebook. The pages are curled at the corners. The front holds more coffee stains than I dare to count. I flick through a couple of pages. What I read, makes me smile, but it's followed by the usual wave of negativity. It just wasn't good enough. It will never be good enough. My dream of becoming a comedian was just as sad as the notebook that held my words, words that I would always deem to be not good enough.
I huff loudly and find an empty page. I needed something. The comedy night was looming. The comedy night that my best friend Becky, had convinced me to put my name down for. Becky had found the registration form online. She placed the laptop in front of me and watched me fill it out. She frowned when my finger hovered over the submit button. I pressed it and was immediately filled with regret. I remember smiling at the thought that she really did believe in me and that I should maybe believe in myself a little more. How had it gone from performing comedy sketches as a child, for my mums eyes only, to now having my name down to do it for real. This was what I wanted. It was my dream however I didn't feel ready. I was not sure I would ever be ready. I suddenly begin to feel nauseous.
I give up and drop the notebook. I turn my attention to the plain ham sandwich. I rip open the packaging. I am not the biggest fan of ham, but, I am starving. I take a few bites before returning it to the packet. I chew and swallow. The food goes down nicely. My tummy starts making sounds, as if it's jumping for joy or in complete shock. Shock that I was actually sending food down, it had been awhile since I had last eaten. I reach for the water and take a few sips. I replace the lid and place it next to the ham sandwich. The sun is reassuring. It seems to push away the negativity and replace it with optimism. I stretch out my pale, skinny legs in the hope they might catch some colour. I rest both hands on the grass and lean back so the sun is touching my face. I close my eyes. I can't help but smile. I feel relaxed, for once. I was always being told I was too uptight and that I needed to relax. Here I am, sat on the grass as the midday sun gently caresses my face. It felt, dare I say it, but, amazing. I was finally ready to embrace this newfound positivity....long may it last.
My peacefulness is brief. Suddenly the sound, of what I can only describe as a wild animal feasting on its kill, appears beside me.
I open my eyes and slowly turn my head to the left. I gasp in horror. I try to scream, but nothing, I am frozen to the spot....
