Why?
“Why does people treat me like this? Why am I getting treated like this? Why? Did I do something wrong? Why am I always going through the same thing day after day? Why?”
It’s a daily life of a seventeen-year-old girl. Just days after the last day of junior years. And unlike every other beautiful, smart girl...I had to be born ugly and partially smart but still feel dumb. Even though, I’m still nice and still try my best to be the person I am. I’ve been treated badly, and I don’t know why I deserve to be treated this way. I know I am ugly but I’m still human. I still want to experience love, honesty, and kindness everyone else gets. It’s unexplainable because I still am figuring myself out.
If I can remember, it started when I was starting my teenage years. Or something along the way. I just want to get this off my chest and stop worrying about it, but...it just destroyed me terribly that I just can’t trust people like this anymore. I just...don’t understand why people would treat me this way and think nothing of it as if I deserved to be treated this way.
From elementary school all the way to high school, I’ve been harshly bullied for no good reason. Like, I don’t bother people, I don’t mess with people, and I barely even talk to people like I used to in elementary school and still get talked about as if I did something wrong.
Then, when I’m at home, I feel as if it’s ten times worse. I feel like I don’t belong there, and I need a way out somehow and away from there. I always be pressured and pushed to do things I don’t need to be doing. And something that happened years ago really messed me up. I’ll share if anyone cares about listening.
So, it all started when I was simply PLAYING GAMES on my phone and my stepmom told me to go to sleep, right? So, I went to sleep because I have to wake up that next day even though I didn’t have school. I was abruptly awoken from my dad who came in after drinking like always, but I don’t know if he was drunk because he sometimes be outside in his truck drinking sometimes. So, he was yelling at me, and I was confused because I didn’t know what was going on but then he started saying I posted something on Facebook about my stepmom, so I was like, “What...? No, I didn’t?” but nobody believed me because they thought I would be up at 2 o’ clock writing mean things about my stepmom, but I am not that person to be doing immature things like that and I looked up at her like a mother figure, so why would I tell people on Facebook and write on there that I hated her and didn’t want her around me and my family? Well, it kept happening every single day even when we moved to a new house. I found out that it was my stepmom that was going on my phone writing those stuff and putting it on me that I was writing those things. And she kept doing it when we moved. And she got me on trouble ON PURPOSE and got my phone taken for no good reason. The bad thing is.... every family member and close one was on her side and believed her and did not give me a chance to explain nor believed me... not even the only parent I had which was my dad.
I was already grieving from my mother’s passing when I was four and honestly...still am grieving. And she messed me up ALOT. I had PTSD from that because my dad choked me, and I was scared for my life because I don’t even be on Facebook like that and I don’t be writing things at ALL because all I do is talk to my peers on there on Messenger. Which was confusing to me, because how would I be able to do that to her? I looked up to her and admired her to the fullest and she didn’t think that it was hurting me deeply and thought it was entertaining.
To that day forward, I started really hating her like she projected people that I felt towards her. If she wanted to go on MY personal cellular device and go on my social media and spread false lies, then I’ll show her. But...I personally felt suicidal and wanted to kill myself then and there, but I didn’t want to die because I was there for my siblings and my mom. Even though, I continued on and didn’t let it get to me because I had a future depending on me and needed to keep going because what if there’s something waiting for me in the end of all this suffering? Even though I was born in a poor household, what if something big is going to be granted to me?
I think I keep letting people walk over me too much that everyone is going to take that at their advantage and keep treating me badly until I can’t take it anymore. I really miss where things used to be... like when I was living with my grandpa, my grandma, my auntie and my other grandma...until 3/4 died and left me living with my dad. The good thing was that my brother was born, and I finally had the siblings I wanted.
Timeskip to my freshman year in high school, and I was freshly new to a school I didn’t have experience in. After the days of being in 8th grade and my stepsister moving in with us too kind of felt surreal. Even though a girl I thought was a friend to me, turned on me and kept bothering me and kept saying she wanted to fight me was really pissing me off because I didn’t do anything to her at all like I was just on my phone chilling and then I heard her talking about me to her friends... because she was very loud about it and looked RIGHT at me.
Anyways, while in freshman mode, I was really trying my best to succeed there and made new friends even though another girl was doing the same as the girl that was trying to fight me over nothing. This time, she was talking to a new friend about wanting to slap me over nothing. And she was doing the same thing to my best friend over 10+ years which was crazy because we weren’t doing anything to her at all and started talking about us for no apparent reason, so we reported her to the counselor’s office/principal.
Then, I was a sophomore...things finally felt okay. I felt like maybe the bullying and stuff would be away from me but...things at home were somewhat worse. I felt like they saw me as their personal maid and wanted me to clean back and forth after their children aka my siblings and wanted to treat me as the 3rd parent even though I was stressing at school still. They treated me as if I was not their child but more as if I was someone else living in their house.
Then, I was a junior...things were tough but bearable...the family still treats me like shit sometimes, but it is what it is. Now I was beginning to have dreams of becoming an entrepreneur, author, and someone like Rihanna or maybe...some songwriter, singer, rapper. But...I was mentally, physically, verbally hurting from years of being wrongfully treated.
I also had figured out that I was bisexual even though no one would date an ugly person like me... I still had hope that someone would give me a chance... but if not, then I’m fine on being alone. Then, I found me a boyfriend who was from Mexico on an app named Amino randomly. But... things went downhill when I didn’t hear from him as my account was deleted when I last remember talking to him before going to sleep. Then, I was venting on X aka Twitter because I had no one else to talk to and afterwards, thought I was being cheated on because someone had the same situation, so I was like, “Oh my gosh...Is he cheating on me and didn’t tell me?” so, I went to find someone to have fun with ...online. Which failed because I kept thinking about him and stopped talking to them and blocked them all and kept crying about my “boyfriend”. Then, out of nowhere, I saw a text from weeks ago from him... and my heart stopped. I went to Amino, texted him...only to find out that it was too late. He found someone else and thought I did too. I realized that he was robbed from his phone which was why he blocked me, deleted everything so the robbers wouldn’t do anything to me. But we kept talking because I desperately missed him. Although, we stopped talking because I was tired and didn’t want to continue sexting him and he got mad because I said no so... I lost him forever. And I was lonely all over again, but I was trying to focus on me, my health and my school even so as I began to think that maybe I was too mentally unstable for a boyfriend.
Months after that, I started having best friend problems as... my best friend of 10+ years aka my cousin who had a boyfriend, mind you, was flirting and kissing and touching and apparently sent her boobs to a man who shared classes with the both of us (me having him in first period and her having him in fourth period) and then denying it as cheating and even went to lying about her and her boyfriend breaking up. So, me being me... I asked and she said yea herself, and I asked her boyfriend who said they didn’t breakup. So, I was like, “Oh my gosh... no she didn’t just lie like that” so then her boyfriend asked me what was going on and I finally told him after not wanting to tell because I felt like I shouldn’t as they were toxic to each other and would stay together regardless. So, I told him anyways and then my best friend and her man got into it. Then, all of a sudden, she wanted me, and our other best friend called Gabby to vouch for her, but we said no and wanted her to tell the truth.
We thought she did but then she started being very bitchy towards us like she started calling us out of our names for just trying to look out for her and trying to be real when as we were almost adults now and wanted to start acting like it. Then, we fell out and me and Gabby no longer talked to her again and didn’t talk about the situation but then my cousin continued to lie and say she wasn’t in the wrong which she was but wanted to switch the thing around and say we did something wrong to her which we didn’t and even got people who were not involved, now involved into the situation. So, we found out that my cousin was evil as she was tormenting people all because her boyfriend was ALSO a cheater and was flirting with other girls as well. Well... one thing went to another and realized that they both needed help physically, mentally, verbally and so much more because what they’re doing isn’t right nor normal especially when she’s trying to make babies and wanting to have babies.
So... throughout my life, it’s been drama after drama and hurt after hurt. And all I want to ask is why? Why is this happening in my life? Why am I being treated like this? Why am I doing this to myself? Just why? Why am I disappointing myself? Why am I being treated like this for?
