1. Bring your damn ID
Lexi stabbed a fry into her milkshake with more force than necessary. Her phone lay facedown on the table between her and her best friend, Gia, like a crime scene she didn't want to revisit.
"I'm bleeding followers," she groaned. "My algorithm hates me. My entire vibe is apparently dead."
Gia sipped her iced matcha, unimpressed. "Your vibe isn't dead, babe. It's just… bruised. You've been coasting on chaos for a while."
"I am chaos."
"Yes, but you need new chaos. Evolve. Like a sexy Pokémon."
Lexi groaned again. "I tried. I made a wellness parody, I stitched that girl who thinks oat milk causes spiritual decay, and I exposed the guy selling fake crystals from Etsy."
"And Noah Blackwood stitched it and called you the 'patron saint of rage marketing.' Again."
Lexi's eye twitched. "He's obsessed with me."
Gia snorted. "He's allergic to joy."
"No, he lives to annoy me. And it works. I see his smug little face and I become unhinged. He's like a cursed Sims glitch."
Gia raised an eyebrow. "You realize he only keeps roasting you because you keep reacting, right?"
Lexi glared. "This is victim blaming."
Gia leaned in. "When was the last time you were in a relationship?"
Lexi blinked. "Irrelevant."
"Seriously."
"…like a real one?"
Gia stared.
Lexi sighed. "Okay, never. But that's not the point. Relationships are fragile. They end in cheating or ghosting or someone crying into pad thai."
"You're literally describing your comment section."
"Exactly! It's the same online. Everyone breaks up. Commitment is a scam."
Later that night, Lexi went live.
"Okay, listen up, chaos club," she said, curled in her hoodie, hair in a bun, aggressively chewing gummy bears. "I've decided something. Marriage? Can't be that hard."
Comments rolled in:
Um… what?
Girl are you okay?
Lexi don't do it—
She leaned forward, eyes gleaming. "Think about it. You sign a paper, wear a ring, post cute photos. That's basically what I do for brands. Marriage is just sponsored content with legal consequences."
Someone commented: You've never even had a real relationship.
Lexi sat up straighter. "So what? I could still do it better than half the people on this app. In fact—" she narrowed her eyes, "—I'll prove it. I'll marry the first person who sends me a digital gift. No takebacks. Let's go."
Comments exploded.
Then came the gift: a pixelated, dancing hotdog with confetti.
Right underneath it, the username:
@Noah_Blackwood
"I do."
Lexi froze. The chat went feral.
NOAHAHAHA
THIS IS HISTORY
Don't back out, Lexi
HE GOT YOUUUU
She gaped at the screen. "Absolutely not. No. That doesn't count. I meant like a rose or a golden star, not… a hotdog in a party hat."
"Rules are rules, wife," Noah commented.
Lexi glared, flustered. "You are a human root canal."
More comments:
You said first gift. That WAS the first gift.
You can't change the rules just because it's HIM.
We're screen recording this.
Lexi chewed her lip, cornered by her own chaos.
"Fine," she snapped. "City Hall. Tomorrow. 10AM. Don't be late."
"Should I bring snacks?"
"Bring your damn ID."
She ended the live.
Her heart pounded in her chest, her follower count was surging, and her dignity had just rage-quit the app.
She dropped her head into her hands and muttered, "What have I done?"
