1.
The midday sun woke me from my nap in the midst of electrostatics class, as soon as I open my eyes groggily, I see a light across the room.
It’s her. The person I admired from the very start of the year, the person I wished to be with.
Her energy, charm, positiveness, or the fact that she’s the kind of person I always wanted to be, extroverted, out-going, expressive.
“Opposite charges attract each other and like charges repel,” I hear the teacher say.
Maybe that’s the reason I’m attracted to her, she’s quite the opposite of me.
Bell rings at the end of the class, chairs screech over the marble floor, follows the chatter and laughter among the others which made me feel overwhelmed.
“Meira,” her friends calls out loud, I return to reality from admiring her.
Everyone starts to dismiss as the classes end for the day. That means I won’t be seeing her till tomorrow.
I should go talk to her. I get up from my seat and move towards her, her friends encircle her as I just get a little close.
No, it’s not the right time, she is surrounded by many. I give up on the task and get out of the class, school.
The warm summer breeze makes the trees wave at me as I pass under their cool shade.
Few more minute passed. The weather was peaceful but my mind wasn’t.
As I reached home the familiar surroundings welcomed me back. I fell on the fluffy bed throwing my bag in the chair.
As it’s too early to sleep or finish my assignments I started turning aimlessly under the covers.
Thoughts about her start swirling in my mind.
“How can someone be so expressive with their feelings, so unrestrained,” I toss around again as the bed frame creeks. I stare at the empty ceiling thinking about her.
There’s a knock at the door.
“Nero! Time for dinner,” Mother calls out and leaves before I could answer.
I throw my legs down the bed and go downstairs, there’s my Mother setting things at the table. I join her and serve myself.
“How’s school today?” she asks settling down in front of me.
“Normal, just as every day,” I reply, low in voice, enthusiasm.
The rest of the dinner carries on in unbroken silence except the cutlery’s clinging.
“Good night, Mom,” I say before I throw the dishes in the sink.
Home is usually silent, most of the times at least. She’s busy with work, I stay in my room all the time. So, silence isn’t easily broken. It has been like this since Father’s passing.
“Sleeping early today?” she asks as I just start to head to my den.
“I guess, yeah,” I reply with a little smile.
In my room, I see my bed waiting for my return so that I can hug it. Not wasting another second, I get comfortable under its soft white covers hugging me.
I start to scroll some social media, checking memes, a follow suggestion of “Meira” pops up on screen.
I click it open, her profile, an array of pictures of her with her friends, at picnics, malls, dining, catch my eye making me fall for her even more.
Why can’t I just go talk to her? Why can’t I just be like every other person in the class?
What would she think if I just confronted her? Does she even know I exist?
I guess I’ll never know.
After some time, still stirred with thoughts about her, I put the phone aside blaming it for all these thoughts.
The night passes under air conditioner’s whirring like a hum putting me to sleep, occasional dog barking down the street audible enough to disturb edge sleepers, katydids calling out.
The next day I wake up at usual time and get ready by 7:45 in school uniform which is plain shirt and the rest student’s choice. Simple.
I get down to the living room.
Mom’s already up, probably didn’t sleep last night. I can tell it just looking at her puffy eyes with dark circles underneath.
She always worked hard for me, to support me for my education, and she’s still doing it. I hope to relieve her of this stress some day for sure.
“You didn’t sleep last night, did you?” I ask her making her turn face from her computer.
“You already seem to know the answer,” she answers giving me an obvious look. At this point we both stopped arguing about it.
The clock hit 8:00 a.m.
“I’m leaving to school, sleep if you find time,” I say as I go through the fridge to grab some juice. We usually don’t eat much in the morning, it’s been like that for years.
I finally settle on some orange slushie in tetra pack. I turn to her one last time before I leave, she just nods, nothing more than that.
I step out from the home. The sun started its duty already, shining bright and warm.
Typical summer morning.
The familiar route to school started to fill with all sorts of people in hurry to their office, schools, etc.
As I stood in front of my class I realized I am too early. Peace, no loud chatters. The seat in the corner next to the window seemed perfect at this instance.
I look out of the window from as breeze grazed my cheek. Ah! True peace.
Few more minutes later, I hear a giggle not so far from the class. It’s my class girls’, I figured.
I turn to the door anxious and curious to know who it is. Of course,
It’s her, Meira. And her friend who never leaves her side.
She enters the class and sits in her usual place continuing their chatter, giggling.
Should I talk to her?
How would she react?
What if she doesn’t like me?
What if she thinks I’m a creep? No, no, no, I can’t handle it.
I turn my attention to the window again with conflicting thoughts.
Soon, the class fills up with students, the overwhelming chaos thus begins.
The fans whirring, their laughter, loud discussions about pointless TV shows, movies, politics which most of them don’t have a slightest idea about suddenly makes my head heavy.
Maybe I’m just jealous. Jealous that I don’t have friends.
I made it till here, 12 consecutive years, without a friend. Can’t I handle few more months?
Class bell rings, the math teacher comes in with a notice in her hand.
Everyone settles down making the class quiet and peaceful again.
“This is a notice by principal, ‘As there are only two months left in your high-school in which one month is prioritized for final tests, leaving just one month for the farewell party and the rest are preparation holiday. This can mean that your high-school days are coming to an end in 3 weeks. The farewell party will be held on 16th of May this month, four days from today. And from today, classes will be held only till 12 p.m.,’” she reads out.
I gasp in shock while the rest of the class is filled with excitement and enthusiasm.
16th May, and then… I won’t be seeing her forever.
My mind enters a panic mode.
But I barely talked to her… I never confessed my feelings for her… it shouldn’t have been like this. It’s too soon to end…
What if she already likes someone? It only makes sense. It’s already end of the year. Almost everyone has one. And she’s the prettiest in the room, at least for me…
My forehead is drizzling with sweat. The class continues but none of it is reaching my ears, everything fades out with all the thoughts.
Will she accept me? Do I look good enough for her?
When should I tell her? Where? How do I do it? Should I ask someone? No… no…
I can’t do it. No, I should do it. But how…
I will go to her at the end of the day when no one is around and I’ll confess. No, that’s not possible her friend is always with her.
The window next to me flutters strongly and closes with a thud waking me up from my thoughts.
I realize that my pupils are extremely dilated and my right leg tapping against the floor rapidly without my consciousness. The hot breeze felt cold on my forehead full of sweat.
The bell rings marking the commence of the first class. I look at my watch, it’s 9:00 a.m. already.
The moving out, coming in of students, teacher, everything happened in what felt like a minute.
Before I could realize the second class of the day started. I decided to concentrate on the class at least now. The rest of the day I focused on the classes but every now and then I thought about her.
The final bell rings, sharp at 12:00 p.m. Most of them formed small groups, talking about the party, dresses, themes while I stand there observing it all in awe.
I took the initiative to leave the classroom first.I get a strange feeling that someone is watching me, which is not common. It didn’t occur many times, at least this year.
I ignored it and moved out of the main gate just then everyone started coming out. I observed her standing alone at main gate, as if waiting for someone.
My heart beats with a loud thud.
That’s it! She has someone she likes. Who is it?
I guess I’m too late to confess now.It’s all ending? Without me making a single move?
I stood there not so close watching her curious about who’s she waiting for. Suddenly, she turned her head in my direction. I panic and start to walk away with increased pace.
Did she see me? I really look like a creep now. Ah! Standing there like I was stalking, what was I even thinking?
“Nero!” a familiar voice called out.
The legs suddenly stopped without my permission. I turn around.
It’s “Mom?”
“What are you doing here? Aren’t you supposed to be at work?” I ask.
“Took a day off, thought I’d come and pick you up for a change,” I noticed the Vespa she’s on as she replied.
“Hop on,” she said. This is strange, I thought as I got on the bike.
She started the bike without announcement making me fall back a bit.
No words spoken till we made it home, as usual.
She opened the door with a click sound and entered then I went in.
“Anything interesting happened today?” she asked casual throwing the bike keys on the shoe rack carelessly.
We stood in the hallway.
“Nothing interesting but they said there’s a farewell party in four days and… after that… it’s over.” My face has turned pale, my eyes moved from her face to the floor as I uttered the last few words.
‘It’s all over now,’ disappointment and sadness consumed me.
She observed my gloomy face, “What’s bothering you, Nero?“ she asked crossing her arms.
‘Should I tell her about Meira?’
’What will she say?
‘It’s nothing, you know, don’t have much time before exams so a bit tensed,’ I replied after a minute of hesitation.
She turned away and walked to kitchen as I paced hard to my room.
I sat next to window looking out children playing in midst of crickets singing.
‘Wait… did she see me watching Meira?’
‘She definitely saw me. But why didn’t she talk anything about it?’
‘Did she really see? Or that she doesn’t mind it?’
‘Should I tell her? Maybe I could get some advice?’
‘No… no… it’s dumb, I can’t ask her.’
‘How do I talk, she’s always surrounded with people…’
‘What if I text her?’
“Lunch is ready,” Mom’s sudden yell from downstairs made me startle from my thoughts.
“Coming,” I close the window and get out of my room to join her.
At the table I see Mom laying down all the dishes and I decided to help.
We settle down opposite to each other.
Again, no words spoken except the clings and clangs of cutlery. It became a rhythm to my ears by this time.
Dad’s sudden death shook her a lot, they were together for many years before they had me. They both were in love since college if I remember it correctly. They travelled, worked, they did everything they dreamt of together.
It’s been 6 years since he passed away. The doctors said he was suffering with some lung disease. Mom was upset for few months probably more than that cause my father knew it all along. She was upset that he didn’t seek any help or even tell her even though he knew he’s been sick.
She became silent suddenly, talked to no one except me, that too only when needed. After a year or so we moved out from there. We cut all ties with our relatives as they blamed her as if she’s the one who burdened him.
As we moved here, a fast city, everything seemed overwhelming to me. No friends, no playgrounds nearby, no neighbour interactions as well. And I became silent as well. I had a lot of trouble making friends since then. No one can be blamed for this.
“Do you want some more?” her question disturbed my silence.
“No, I’m full,” I replied.
I returned to my room after doing the dishes. Not knowing what to do I looked at my phone and then I remember what I was about to do before.
‘Text her,’ my mind yelled.
‘As it is stalking wasn’t enough in the morning now a text confession will make me seem like a creep.’
‘What should I do?’
‘It’s 1:30 p.m. now, I have less than four days to confess. How should I do it?’
‘Would just talking work? Even if it works, how should I start? Does she even know my name?’
‘I’m just silent guy from the class no one cares about and she? The most expressive girl in the class with lots of friends. Even if she rejects me, it doesn’t affect her even a tiny bit.’
‘I shouldn’t back off from this now, it’s now or never…’
I open my laptop to search few ideas on how to confess on the internet.
A post saying “write down your raw feelings, practice it as many times as you can” caught my eye. It didn’t look much easy. I never talked to her before. It will be embarrassing if I directly yap about my feelings.
Another post came up saying “write a letter,” it’s 2022 who writes letters these days. I dismiss that.
Maybe I should just talk to her. Only that feels like a safe option. At least I’ll be satisfied that I talked to her for once.
I immediately pull out a paper and started writing.
It’s a lot difficult than I thought it would be, I thought looking the pile of papers I tore off in the process.
Before I could realise the afternoon turned into night. I looked around but I saw nothing but heaps of papers torn, crumpled.
The weather calmed down a bit.
‘Why didn’t Mom call me for dinner?’
I heard loud snores from the living room as I got down. She slept early today.
I didn’t feel much hungry anyway. ‘I should get some rest too.’ I enter my room and I saw the paper I wrote on the bed… I looked at it with hope. A hope that she’d accept me.
I sighed in relief and it didn’t take much time for fear to take over my mind. I fell on bed burying my face in pillows as my heart raced with unknown tensions.
Soon I fell asleep…
The following days were filled with both fear and hope, with every day passing slowly the battles within me only made me doubt myself even more than I ever did before. What felt like an eternity, now came to an end. The day I longed for is here…
“16th May,” I uttered as I stood before the mirror straightening my suit and tie and set my hair.
I went downstairs, Mom’s already up and working.
She scanned me from top to bottom, “Have a nice day. Do you want me to drop?” she spoke after few seconds.
“Uh… only if you can,” I reply with a slight hesitation.
We got on the bike, as the wind blew over my face distracting me a little from my thoughts about what to happen.
“So, who’s the girl?” her sudden question scared me even more.
“How… how do you know?” I asked countering the question with another making it even more obvious.
“You know, you didn’t clean your room the day before yesterday, and I read one of those papers,” she answered with a calm tone with her focus solely on the road in front.
I started to sweat a lot. Not because the summer heat but because of her answer. I didn’t speak any further. The only sound was of air fluttering my ears.
Soon the bike stopped in front of the auditorium. I got down and I waited there for her to say something.
Soon, words broke from her lips after letting a small breath out, “I wasn’t always around… when I should’ve been. I’m grateful that I have an understanding son.” She looked at the auditorium, “You found someone who you think will listen. Go do your part.”
“The outcome doesn’t matter no matter what is. It doesn’t belittle you or your feelings,” she lets out a breath in relief closing her eyes as if she took out a heavy load off her chest. “Now, aren’t you getting late?” She gestures at the auditorium starting to bustle with students.
My hands clasped to my side and my mouth dropped a little while I tried to process what just happened.
“Uh? Y… yeah, I should probably go now,” I reply in a low tone still in shock, “Mom…” my voice came out shaky. She looks into my eyes. “I… I should go…”
I break the eye contact and walk into the auditorium full of people consumed by excitement, loud music.
For the first time in many days, it didn’t feel overwhelming.
The loud environment didn’t shrink my presence. I moved to a counter and started drinking soda waiting for her entrance.
Though I felt some ease from earlier scenario some thoughts of doubt still stayed.
Songs changed, people started dancing, drinking, eating, some already left. Then she came. Alone.
As expected, her friends dragged her along with them. Few more hours of waiting won’t harm.
Almost 2 hours have passed now. She came to the counter stood far away from where I am.
This is it. It’s now or never.
I slowly but approached and stood a bit distant from her. Heart pounded hard, the music sound didn’t feel loud in front of it. I moved a bit closer.
“Meira…” she turned her smiling face to me. “Uh… hi… you might not know me but I…”
“I know you. I’m not someone you’d notice neither would others. I’m from the same class as you.” Her face looked curious, looking directly into my face.
“This might sound weird coming from a nobody who you don’t know even a bit but the thing is I’ve been trying to talk to you about this from the beginning but I didn’t… I just couldn’t.”
“But I couldn’t just talk to you… I never talked to any of the others let alone you I thought it’s impossible.”
“I mustered and gathered all the confidence I had. Today, I thought it’s now or never.” I averted my gaze to the floor.
“The truth is… I always watched you from the corner. I always liked you… the way you light up your surroundings with ease, the way you tuck your hair behind when you’re focused,” my voice kept getting louder and louder as I spoke in panic and urgency. “The way you speak with others… all this, all these made me want you more… I always wanted to be with you… to talk with you, to share things, gossips, laughter, banters, everything… this might sound creepy but it’s what I felt.”
“I wanted to tell you at least now, before it all ends… I didn’t want to leave before telling you this…” I looked at her face. She listened to everything I said patiently.
She smiled softly. It wasn’t mocking. It was a true one.
“Nero…” my eyes widened as she uttered my name which I didn’t tell. She knew me?
“You finally spoke!! Thank God. I always wondered about you, you know you were a mystery to the whole class. I might not have approached you or talked with you cause you always kept to yourself. God at a point me and my friends thought you were a mute.”
Her soft voice overtook the loudness from the whoopers. Her expression changed to a serious one.
“But… I’m afraid I can’t be what you want me to be.” Her words pierced my ears. I forced a little nod. “I’m sorry.” I got separated from the surroundings, my mind empty, definitely not accepting what she said.
“But we can still share all the feelings, laughter, everything…”
How? I pondered on this thought repeatedly until she spoke again.
“We can still be friends… I’m glad that you opened up but I can’t return the feelings you have for me now. I hope you understand…” she extended her arm. Not knowing what to do still processing all the information and rejection. But I didn’t back off from this opportunity.
We shook hands… for the first time. All the time I waited felt little at this moment. But it didn’t last long. She backed off and she left.
I stood there still shaken to the core by her rejection, among all the excited farewells that took place mine was different.
The place which previously was filled with excitement, now became silent as everyone left one by one.
Soon, I made my way home. Mom was sitting in the couch when I entered. I walked straight to room without even looking at her.
My bedroom door closed with a loud thud. Mom seemed to get the gist of what has happened.
I wanted to cry, out loud but tears had other plans. They tested my patience. I just buried myself in the covers giving up on the attempt.
Mind still blank. Mom opened the door; her footsteps were slow and careful as she approached. Observed my state. She stood there for a while before she left.
My phone glowed in the dark suddenly. I gasped as I saw a message from her. It read, ‘I’m still around. Don’t disappear,’ a text… from a girl who rejected me few hours ago.
I stared at it… longer than I intended to. Mind got to work again.
‘This is what I wanted. I wanted to talk to her… to be seen by her… so, I didn’t love her all along? Maybe it was just the connection I craved. This is a chance.
Maybe I won’t be invisible anymore.
I wanted to be expressive;
I wanted to be open.... I can’t let this slide.’
I type rapidly not wasting another second, ‘I won’t… thanks.’
“It wasn’t everything—just hope I won’t be alone again.”
OUT OF REACH.
(NO MORE)
