Fishscales by KofPestilence at Inkitt

The scales that drown

Love..

Such a simple word. Such a simple concept—at least at first. I had no idea what was waiting for me the moment I stepped across the line.

At first it was easy. Loving someone was as simple as expressing a level of care, understanding and attention I couldn't ever experience growing up. It was romantic, platonic, a single straight line going from one point to another. It was genuine.

Yet lacking.

It was a boat with two oars, going if only both sides rowed together. Too wide to hold both oars in one's hands, too tight to carry too many expectations. It was too shabby and fragile. Still it held until we crashed.

It took two to hold things together but there was nothing when I reached out.

Betrayed, I held onto what I had and forged ahead.

Many times had the boat become whole again. Many times had I loved with my whole heart. Many times, I ended up alone, adrift ny half of a shattered vessel.

Still this had not been enough for me to crumble.

Until I met someone.

I fell in love and for the first time, when we crashed, I felt a hand when I reached out.

It was beautiful.

We braved storms and fights, holding strong despite our differences.

I watched her shine like the sun and I guided her, blinded by a promised future of happiness.

It was all too good to be true, and yet it was.

True.

And too good.

It was beautiful until reality struck, it was a waterfall at the end. Where our rivers divulged, we guided and braved obstacles unaware of the dire ending ahead.

Blissfully ignorant, or perhaps in denial. We both held on strong but I knew deep down that I can't handle a fall like that. Maybe she could beave it.

But I was a coward and a weakling.

I saw a chance forus to both survive this and avoid the waterfall that would spell our doom.

It was a shallower one, not very deepor rough but had so many obstacles in the way.

And the only way to save myself was to let go.

But if I did, I'd be the only one to fall through the easier route.

So I did the despicable; I switched out places and pushed her away. She fell into struggle and faced pain left and right, seeing me an arm's length away, she reached out to me.

At first, I held her hand like we did to each other in our hardest times. But that slowly changed. Slowly I let go, slowly it became her holding onto my open hand. Slowly, I drifted apart. And when the time came for her to take her fall, I was no longer necessary.

And she fell.

Down the waterfall.

It wasn't a deep fall.

She came out bruised but whole.

I watched her heart grow cold to me and yet saw a warmth she could not let go.

While I continue to go down the path I saw. With her fall happening, mine came sooner than expected.

And it was deep.

I fell for months.

And when I felt i could get back together, I fell again.

It was a raging waterfall after another after another, falling down, deep down, until i could no longer see the sun.

Her smile is now all thats left in my memory and now I lay in my half of a shattered vessel. The eerie silence and darkness felt deep. The sudden stillness made thinking way easier.

I could have gone through it with her.

Maybe we would have ended up somewhere else.

Maybe if I held on, we would still both be happy.

I'm not happy anymore.

My heart has never felt more torn.

It had hurt from betrayal but becoming the one to betray, I couldn't forgive myself anymore.

Echoes of a past reach the present.

Each day passing in agonizing silence.

I began to drown myself in vain jokes and work, occupying my mind all day and night to distract myself.

And when I couldn't, the scales would emerge.

At first, it was small.

Then it grew.

Every time it emerged, it was accompanied by a physical pain that pierced the mind.

The flesh bruised and bled from the marks left behind.

The places it showed had a lingering ache.

It was all over my skin before I knew it.

My vessel was now nothing more than driftwood.

Perhaps I did this to myself to try and save what was left of me.

But a part of me who resented my actions and couldn't come to forgive myself decided I wasn't woth saving.

The scales come and go like the wind, invisible to the eye till it emerges once more.

But the pain it hides is deep in the heart.

A regret of betrayal and wromg choices.

A coward's sin.

A weakling's price.

A selfish person's tribute.

A result of what I had built, or rather, destroyed.

For each scale I add, a wish of hatred.

A wish of happiness for her.

A wish of forgiveness for myself.

A wish of relief from pain.

A wish of longing.

A wish of wonder.

A wish of true silence.

A wish for a way out.

Deep within the endless void ocean, a ln infinite depth awaited.

My fate was to drown.

And yet I still hesitate.

This is what I deserve.

To be one with my regrets, my thoughts and actions.

To be deep in the same waters i had fought so hard to stay afloat on.

To drown in self-blame and self-hatred.

No matter what anyone says anymore, this will never change what I had done.

I was selfish.

I was cruel.

I was wrong.

Shu.. I miss you..

But now it's too late.

With my own hands, I add scales to my skin.

The nail of mt thumbs digging into my flesh.

Making empty wishes and remembering the principles I had shattered selfishly.

The betrayal to you.

The betrayal to myself.

The betrayal to the promise.

The betrayal to our future.

I'll never truly get over you.

The games we used to play together are now nothing more than a grave of what I can't bear to look at anymore.

A relic of a distant, beautiful, prosperous past.

I'll never truly forgive myself.

My mistake was akin to a sin I had sworn to never forgive, something I had never thought I'd ever commit myself and to someone so important to me, no less.

I'll never get over it.

And I'll never deserve to.

I may spund poetic or even sorry.

I may sound like I am speaking from my soul.

I truly did love, do love, you.

I gave up.

And made you give up.

This will remain here as a reminder of the cruelty I had done.

A reminder of how I ruined us, what we were, what we could be.

It doesn't matter anymore.

At least, it shouldn't.

Shu, if you do stumble upon this, I hope you feel no sympathy anymore for the wretch that I am.

I only suffer to this day because of what I did to us.

And I do deserve this suffering.

Although a small part still remains in denial, Ive wholly accepted the things I've done and am trying to live a life where I will never again do the same to anyone.

I can't promise anything, not even to myself,not anymore. The only promise I can still keep is abstinence from suicide.

Probably because I don't deserve such an easy death.

Still.

I find my heart to be the most ridiculous thing.

It can't choose at all.

Given another chance to turn time back, I'd do it differently. I'd be stronger and braver. Maybe not wiser, but I'd die trying by that time.

What's done is done yet many things remain.

Many things unsaid and also already said.

If you could put a bullet through my head, I would be eternally grateful.

I'll keep carving scales on my skin.

I'll never forget.

My heart will never forget.