Very nice

"I've been lenient with people here so far, so I decided not to be anymore. That's the only reason why you're not getting better marks from me. Well, that, and the fact that your text needs polishing. I don't think you should have exaggerated Lilly's timidness. There are a couple of places where what Will is saying doesn't really get the right reactions, or make sense. The other characters are a bit erratic, and you could have done better with transition from the real world into the game world, but all in all, this is a nice one. It's not boring, which is more than I can say for most of the things I read here :) And oh, I caught mistakes in grammar and writing, so make sure to give this to an AI for proofreading, unless you want to hire a person to do it, which is not advisable money-wise. That was it from me, good luck :)"