Defaults

I was looking out in Naarm previously known as Melbourne the view of the city skyline rest ahead as the colours in sky darkened. I stood at a lookout in the suburbs I felt at peace there was no one watching me here and I was able to spend as long as I wanted gazing. The air was welcomed though the quality had changed significantly in the past decades. I was thankful to have this time outside without breathing in harmful smoke from someone next to me. My lungs were faltered with having a life threatening disease of Pneumonia as a five year old. At home it was tough as it has always been the people who claimed to have birthed me I could not have more than a mere moment to ponder on my own accord. My supposed birth father had a temperament and ego to maintain he was controlling and oppressing. He hand picked the subjects I should have extra-curricula activity in senior primary school, deemed what clothes is acceptable to wear, never taught me how to use a fork and knife nor how to tie my shoe laces however controlled how I ate, how I sat and interacted with extended family.

He grew tired of my siblings and I playing with and interacting with our neighbours who were not of the exact same ethnic family culture. He pursued the household expectations and added in for me to help as a child below seven with washing clothes and cleaning. I was dragged along to his hobbies and Church involvements on weekends and night time lasting at least four hours. My supposed birth mother was the most selfish, conniving person you will ever meet she was devoid of love and devotion. She alike my supposed father hated boundaries, were cult-like conservative Catholics and when they got together my mother drew out of contact with my grandfather and my auntie who was closed to my siblings and I. My supposed birth mother automatically despised my sexuality, my hair, the money I had, money I spent, purchases I made, the way I walked, my work ethic, my intelligence, my career, my academic accomplishments, later hated me cooking in any capacity and the love and care I had for my younger sibling. She thrived chaos and division and both supposed parents volatile nature and outbursts became the air I breathed. My supposed birth mother infiltrated her way into my life soon after created drama and coerced me into dangerous situations I felt uncomfortable and unsafe in. My supposed parents stole the lives of others through coercing them to borrow money and live a certain lifestyle.

They threw high sums of money around while I worked two jobs at high school on minimum wage just to buy my own clothes. I was a saver financially, repurposed and was good at that. The loneliness started at a young age and the violence was always there, the gaslighting grew as a vine throughout the house we lived in. The expectations, body image projections, guilt tripping, gender biases, repression and control was a power play under the title of a family and supposed marriage of my supposed parents. My supposed parents would isolate the family preventing us from seeking outside consolation. When you were unable to be controlled they separated the person from the family, cast them out and ridiculed them. My life was a fairytale in all the ways possible, I cleaned the entire house we soon lived in, my supposed mother hated cleaning and my supposed birth father stopped cleaning once he progressed in work. Dust alike to a lot of homes we live in with people who do not clean built up and was on every surface. The mixture of dust, physical and emotional distress and the continuous failure to recognise and be myself caused the life-threatening illness I had at age five. My supposed mother missed every Christmas, worked every shift possible and my supposed father believed in gender roles when my siblings were left at the house with no dinner. At a young age I prepared meals. My supposed father wanted us siblings to do the washing when I struggled to even understand the concept, sport was never fully supported to excel into a greater league, competitions or state level. At the time I grew up a lot of girls I knew loved playing all different types of sport and competing but sexism held us back.

My supposed mother was vain and ridiculed her and my siblings and my appearances creating an insecure environment. The family scrutinise at looks particular weight, hair, mouth, nose, singing, creations I make, my interests, my identity, and height. My supposed parents hates me or my siblings living their own life and we become forgotten once no longer living with them. In growing up my parents impacted on the time and freedom I had to play with friends and continuously took me out of school for overseas trips. Failed to provide me with learning aids and an aid to learn the language English as it was my third language and not my main language from said birth. I was always told how to feel, I was not allowed to cry in front of them or in general, express my frustrations and was never protected. Their ideologies, falsehoods, torment and control led to the current rules you ought to park your car before the driveway of the house across the road, eat dinner at the dining table with the family regularly, have a shower in less than three minutes, say goodbye and hello when someone enters the house and when leaving the house, tell both parents where you are going before leaving the house, not flush the toilet at night, not make a single sound at night, interrupted in the bathroom by both supposed parents every time I use it, greeted by my supposed mother in the bathroom in the morning, not allowed to use the television if someone else wanted to watch a show or movie.

Television was in use by my supposed father every night, not shower past nine pm, stack the dishwasher until the tray can barely move and make it as filled and beyond crowded, must liquify dishwashing liquid, can only use specific allocated brushes on dishes, can not throw things that are used out in the bin, not allowed to cook in any capacity can not use any despite being old and pots and pans, anything you have bought they own, control what you eat and the degree it is cooked, move your washing to different places, open your private addressed mail, move your mail, go through your room without permission and proceed to tamper with it, be followed when leaving the house, unable to lock the door when leaving the house as my supposed mother wishes to lock it or not instead, be watched by supposed mother from the dining area as I enter my room, wear conservative clothing and not express yourself, not allowed to take sick days at home, not allowed to do washing as often and at night time, not allowed to take any recreational drug, not allowed to stand up for yourself, not speak at a normal volume around my sibling, have personal belongings taken from your room by untrained dog and personally told off by younger sibling to not have your own belongings in room, anything you do you get in trouble for, to turn my music down by younger sibling or not play it despite my younger sibling and my supposed father playing loud music and instruments.

They monitor how I dress, the time I am spending in any room, what I drank, what I am to feel, the treatments I am to receive illegally, when I eat, when I wake up, my shower time, number of showers, create falsehoods about my life and eavesdropped on personal and private phone conversations when I was abducted. When I was younger I was ridiculed and shamed for having and bringing in a bin in my room, puzzles of my own in my room and I was ridiculed I asked for locks on doors, there was no privacy, no food allowed in bedrooms, no food to be eaten in front of the television during the week. What I wear and the type of high school I attend was controlled and I was forced to attend church, pray at regular prayer times with the family for a long period of time and engage in a certain manner with family friends, different cultures were not embraced or allowed to be actively embraced and my supposed dad owned my mobile number and used it against me. In a delusional way they believed they owned me.

They were not grateful for anything I had done, I had even interior designing for free and cleaned rooms their last sold house and had to attend the auction day despite having my studies, helping them move to the other side of the state and sort through a build up of rooms of collected unclean items. Unless someone expressed the need for a thank you they would not recognise the need for thanks and appreciation in any way. Same way as me needed to express the seriousness, effect and damage of harassment in a siblings life and continuously advocate for the human rights of siblings and the way to treat the sibling. The duty of care and negligence ran deeper than scars, psychological damage and bruises. I was not allowed to believe in myself, was plagued with self limiting beliefs and heavy weights of pressure. I was the lost child. The crisp air filled my lungs as I breathed in and I put my black mesh hoodie over my dark tangerine coloured headscarf.

I peered over at the kids playing at the new playground and shrieking with excitement, the city lit up with lights and I could faintly see my friend's buildings from a far. I stretched out and down to my legs, squeezed my eyes close and breathed out, I did a few more stretches ending with my usual set of ankle raisers. A guy with a mug in his hand sitting down on the large ancient-designed step on the slope looking out into the view stood up at the same time as I was about to head off and brushed against me, he caught my elbow in his hand to steady me. I balanced my feet and looked at him he could see me looking. There was an unwritten exchange between us and I apologised, "I did not realise..." I waffled on. "No worries, I-" He looked into my eyes, "You have yourself a good night." I politely sincerely nodded.

I reset my pace and picked it up as I ran through the streets, I felt so free, safe and myself. The adrenaline ran through me, I felt my phone buzz in my pocket, it was a short message to meet at the main building where I had my research centre to confirm the new security system in place for the first night. I reached the building and scanned it for anyone else before confirming building lockdown. I breathed out, another item off my checklist. I walked down to the buildings underground carpark and nodded at my three security personnel. I slide into my luxury car of Italian leather and started the engine. My home was a half hour drive from the main building especially at night time. I arrived in my garage and made my way into the kitchen I popped open a glass of white wine. I turned on the television on and heated up the asian food I had meal prepped. It had been a long day, my cat meowed and hissed at an object of awe in the distance. I took off my coat and turned the heat up on my phone it was a chilly night. I walked into my bedroom and cat Elle followed me and went onto her tower. I put on my dressing gown and went to shower.

When I came back in the room I turned the lights in the main house on my phone and set the lights for the room and pat Elle's head. I hated rooms being pitch black at night and my house was built so I had a sunroof in my room where I can see the stars and was also privacy protected. Elle gave me a stuffed mouse she had found in the house and I played with her until she lost the mouse again. She jumped over to her bed and chased her tail. I went on to read my magazine, do a tarot spread, find out the news on social media and check in with my friends. I closed my phone and placed it onto the charger after I put on a meditation and rested my eyes. It was sweet what the guy had said to me. I finished off my sound healing meditation and drifted off to sleep peacefully. It was sweet what the guy had said to me. I finished off my sound healing meditation, it was now raining outside a welcomed renewal and soundscape. I drifted off to sleep peacefully.