Chapter 1 Lonely Summer
It's been two and a half months since Jake told me he was leaving to Texas. I can't seem to get that day out of my head! It plays over and over again... and it never gets any better!
“Hey, Lai. I... uh...” he cleared his throat. He was so nervous. “I... I’m leaving,” he blurted out.
"Huh?" Of course that was the only thing that came out of me! I was in shock!
“I’m going to Texas,” Jake said before he swallowed hard. “I don’t know when or if I’ll ever be back.”
“Huh?” And again, I'm sure that was the most loquacious thing I could think to say.
Jake gave me a shy smile. “Anyway, before I left, I wanted to say...”
My brain was still fried and I couldn't stop him from saying nonsense even if I wanted to! And I did want to!
“Laila, I... I don’t even know why I’m saying this. I know it’s not gonna change anything... But I guess I wanted to tell you now because I think I’d regret not telling you before I leave...” he said quietly.
At this point I was almost picking up zero information because my brain refused to unfreeze.
“Well, I’ve liked you for a long time. But I knew you and Ben liked each other,” he gave me a shy smile before he turned his attention to Ben, who is still talking to his friends. “I would never do anything to split you guys up. But I just...” he didn’t seem to know where he was going with that.
He'd just dropped a bomb on me, and I think he finally managed to break me! “I... You... Huh?” Yeah, I know! I'm awesome when it comes to making arguments!
And then I cried! Right in front of him! I don't even know if I was embarrassed or not... like I said. He broke me! He wiped the tears from my face so softly and gave me a gentle smile.
“Don’t cry, Lai! I gotta go... But if you and Ben ever call it quits, you got my number,” he winked at me and ran to the parking lot to see his family.
And that was it! That was the last time I saw him... or talked to him. And now I miss him like crazy. Only I am so mad at him right now. I don't know if I'll ever be able to talk to him again! How could he do this to me? He knows how hard changes are for me... he just... LEFT!
Yes, I know I have his phone number and I could text him any time I want to, but I'm so mad at him! He just ditched me and left me here without giving me proper warning! He had plenty of time to warn me about his leaving... Like maybe at the beginning of Freshman year, he could'a said, so in 4 years, right after we graduate, I'm gonna be moving to Texas! That might have given me enough time to come to terms with he fact one of my best friend was leaving me... and maybe enough time for me to convince him not to leave me!
I'm feeling like a country song (and I Love country music!) if the song was about my best friend ditching me and moving to Texas and he didn't give me the time to process what he told me! I love how country music has a song (or a million) to fit any mood. The problem is, I don't know if I need a revenge song, or a sad song, or a song that says I'm better off without him... NONE OF THOSE SEEM TO WORK FOR ME RIGHT NOW!
I want this to a be a song about him crawling on his knees begging me for forgiveness because he was being stupid! I'm pretty sure they have a few of those too...
I've been really lonely this summer. I sigh and look out the window at the endless blue sky. It's freaking hot right now, even with the AC turned up all the way. August in Utah is always hot. And I'm bored... I've got nothing to do! (Well, that's not true. If mom heard me say that, she'd say I could always do the laundry for her... And I could always get on Genshin... But I've been on it for an hour already... I want to do something different.) I look down at my Mochi and think back to Ben.
Ben and I broke up... Not because of anything bad! We just seem more like best friends than actual boyfriend and girlfriend... so we decided it's probably what was supposed to happen. We still hang out and play D&D with our friends. He still texts me. Really nothing has even changed since I asked him all those months ago. We went on a few dates, I never held his hand. He never kissed me... And we were okay with that.
Ben's been texting Jake a lot. He wasn't happy with his best friend either, but they are still talking to each other. Ben keeps asking me if I want to know what's going on with Jake, but I say I don't want to know. (Of course that's a lie! I want to know what's going on with Jake... But I want it to come from him! I want him to man up and send me the first text! He ran away from me and left me there as his family drove away... The least he can do is send me the first text!)
I refuse to be the one to text him! He owes me an apology and until he gives me one, I'm not talking to him! (Sob!) Why did he have to do this to me? I'm not stupid enough to believe he actually did this to me. His whole family knew they were leaving... but why didn't he tell me earlier? It would've been so much easier on me if he'd at least given me a month in advance... There is a chance I could've wrapped my head around it by then. But him dropping a bomb like that... and then he told me he liked me! My mind has still not come to terms with that one. Why didn't he tell me that earlier? Did he think it would be easier just to tell me and run away from what he admitted?
Stupid boy!
Mostly this summer I've been working and reading Manga and playing video games with Ash. I've hung out with some of my girls over the summer, but they've been on vacation and getting ready for college just like me. I've been trying to keep my mind busy (which isn't that hard) and forget about what Jake said to me (a lot harder than it sounds!) and try to move on with my life. Although, I'm still not sure where my life is supposed to go yet...
Ash agrees Jake owes me an apology too. She said that was a bad way to do this. She knows I don't do well with sudden changes. (She doesn't do good with change either... After all most autistic people don't like change.) It takes me literal months to come to terms with things! Like, once upon a time, Mom ditched my dad in California (there are reasons... but she doesn't want me to give me any more reason to hate my dad than I already to, so she never actually told us the reason for the divorce) and we moved back to Washington to live with grandma and grandpa... And then Mom got a JOB! She had to leave every day for work! And I cried and sobbed because Mom never had to work before! I even tried to stop Mom from going to work by clinging onto her legs... But grandma picked me up and distracted me by making me cookies. So you see, I don't like change! It sucks! And Jake just changed everything in like 10 seconds flat! What the heck?
Even after I've been told there are going to be changes in my life, sometimes it doesn't kick in right away either. Like when I asked Ben to be my boyfriend... Sometimes I would forget we were actually dating! I know... crazy!
Tiffany said it has something to do with my dopamine levels and it's always looking for a fix, or something like that. It felt nice to know I had a boyfriend for a little while... and then I just forgot! Weird! So after I got used to the level of happiness, my body was looking for a new hit, so to speak. It wanted to feel something happy... and because it didn't, my ADHD kicked in and got confused... again.
Beth has also been hanging around lately. We're both getting ready for college. It starts next week! And yeah, I'm freaking out! If I thought I was scared starting high school, this is a full blown meltdown! I've been to campus and the place is huge! I'm so gonna get lost! I've mentioned before I'm easily confused and get lost all the time! It's gonna take me weeks to get used to all this and remember how to get to the buildings I need for my classes!
Mom convinced me to take 2 classes. One is an ASL class so I don't lose it... It should mainly be review and wont stress me out so much. I'm kinda excited about taking it, mostly because of all the fun I had learning it in high school... It could've been the teacher, or the students... I don't know. But I am happy she convinced me to take that class.
Mom also said I should take an introductory class that teaches people like me how to deal with growing up... It's supposed to go over things like living on your own, doing a budget, and getting a career over a job... stuff like that. So I did.
I'm not really sure why I'm scared. These classes should be relatively easy! They are no pressure classes... But I guess, like I said earlier, it's the fact that it's a huge change, and it seems to be getting to me.
Beth doesn't have any classes with me. She is taking a full load with English, Math, History and a PE! EW! I'm never taking PE! (Mom said it's a requirement, but I don't have to do actual PE. I could do ballroom dancing or something like that.) Actually, I don't think I have any classes with anyone that I know.... Mom said it would be a way to make new friends... But then again, if I don't know people, I tend to stay to myself, unless they get the guts to introduce themselves first.
Ben is actually going to a different school, so I won't be seeing him so much. But hopefully we can still text and stuff. He promised he wont ditch me the way Jake did... and I guess that's reassuring, but I know he'll go find a new girlfriend... which is cool. I want him to be happy. It just makes me a little bit lonely knowing I'll probably never find anyone.
I sit on my bed and hold my kitty. Mochi doesn't like when I'm not paying attention to her, and right now my mind is a little scattered... well, more than normal.
Why do I feel like everything is about to change soon?
