Don't Be Petty
One of the best things about having good friends is that we always have someone to complain to. Out of social obligation, our friends have to listen to and put up with all of our B.S. and we have to put up with theirs - them the rules. But when it comes to talking about relationships, things can get a little trippy.
Think about how many times you’ve vented to your friends about someone you were dating. How many times have they vented to you? Probably too many to count in both instances.
We get glimpses (and in some case - a full blown window) into our friends’ dating lives, and all of the highs and lows in between.
It’s pretty easy to navigate the high points – we share congratulations, comment on how amazing or dope something is, and let our friends know how happy (and maybe even a little jealous) we are of them. But addressing low points requires a little more skill.
How often has one of your friends shared the details of a particularly difficult or complicated situation that occurred in their relationship? Most likely when they told you, you gave them cut-throat, straight forward advice about how you would (and how they should) handle the situation - because let’s face it, that’s what friends are for! Plus, their boo most likely lost some cool points with your after you heard your friend’s side of the story.
So you get the scoop and you start dropping major knowledge-bombs on your friend. I mean, you start giving advice so good that you start wondering why you can’t handle your own relationships that way! But low and behold, instead of listening to you, your friend proceeds to do whatever they want to do, disregarding your good advice completely. Now you’re like WTF - why did you even ask me for advice in the first place?
So, how should we actually give advice to our friends that they’ll listen to?
When it comes to relationships, it’s pretty obvious when a person is ready to move on from someone. That being said, it’s also pretty obvious when a person isn’t really going anywhere. These things considered, I had an epiphany - in most cases, when your friends come to you for advice about their relationship, it’s not to really get advice, it’s so that we can re-affirm the feelings that they already have.
Just think about it, how often have you given your friend advice to leave a situation, or highlighted all of the negative things you’ve noticed about their partner (based on what they’ve told you), and instead of listening to you, your friend starts defending not only the relationship, but the partner that they were just complaining to you about a second ago?
Their behavior may seem confusing, but really, it’s not. They want your support and encouragement, not your criticism. I’ve learned that it’s best to give advice based on what you know deep down they want to do, not based on what we, ourselves would do. Because let’s be honest - it’s a lot easier to see clearly and to make decisions that we don’t have to follow through on.
So the next time your friend comes to you about a situation they’re going through, hear them out. Let them vent and find out how they really feel about it. 9 times out of 10, they don’t want to walk away from the situation, or they already would have. So instead of telling them to leave, encourage them to work it out. Tell them to put forth the effort to solve the problem with their partner, and that you hope that everything works out.
This does not mean that you should allow them to be taken advantage of. You can give supportive advice that is also smart, and that sticks up for them. For instance, maybe they need to be encouraged to have a heart-to-heart conversation with their partner, directly explaining their feelings and all of their associated problems. Maybe they need to be told to behave and react differently to what’s going on. They might even need counseling, or some type of mediator for the situation.
Through encouraging our friends to try and work things out, we not only validate them, we also give them the confidence that they need to potentially grow, or to recognize a lack of growth in their relationship.
In the end, if one half of a partnership is willing to put forth the effort that is required to make a situation better, but the other half is not, that will be evidence enough that maybe the situations needs to be re-evaluated. And if that’s the case, you will have helped your friend to leave anyway, without even saying anything about them needing to leave.
Ultimately, when your friends are ready to walk away from a relationship - they will, and you should be there to support them through that. But until then, be the friend that they need for you to be, when they need it most. Don’t be petty.
