Shattered

I looked at my wrists.

No cuts. They had healed.

I looked at my arms.

No scars. They had faded.

I looked at my thighs.

No bandages. I didn't need them.

I looked at my stomach.

No fat. I had lost them.

I looked at my clothes.

They weren't long sleeves. I had nothing to hide.

I had nothing to hide.

Nothing. Then why did I feel the need to change bandages I didn't have on?

Why did I feel the need to place bandages on non-existent wounds?

Why did I feel the need to check my weight and criticise my body for being this ugly?

Why did I feel the need to wear a long-sleeved shirt and a hoodie to hide my bruises?

Why did I feel the need to lock myself up in my room?

Why?

A knock on the door disrupted my thoughts.

"Come in." I said to the person on the other side of the door.

The door was slowly opened and Nikolai's head popped in. He gave a smile.

"Hey. You ready?"

I blinked twice, processing his question before nodding and responding, "Yeah, I'll be down in a minute."

He nodded and left.

I have bradyphrenia. It's a kind of slow thinking disorder. I was sometimes really slow at processing or understanding certain things or questions.

It didn't help that I sometimes would forget what I was told or asked and I'd have to ask them to repeat it again.

I let out a sigh and brushed off the invisible dust from my clothes then picked up my bag from the bed.

Taking a last glance at the mirror, I left my room, rethinking my decision of not changing into long sleeves.

"I'm ready." I said to Nikolai, who was sitting on the chair in front of the fireplace.

He stood up and picked up his keys from a bowl on the table, then he gave me a warm smile before leaving the room, and I followed after him.

I sat in the back of the car and waited for Nikolai to drive me to school.

"Are you strapped in?" He asked me, referring to the seatbelt. I gave him a nod in response and focused on the dancing trees outside the car.

As Nikolai drove out of the gates and left the premises, I slowly felt my throat close up.

I hadn't left my house in months.

I inhaled deeply, trying to calm myself and allow air into my lungs.

I began to fiddle with a pencil, trying to keep my hands busy.

"We're here." Nikolai told me, snapping me out of my trance.

I was so lost in my own little, barely stable world that I hadn't even noticed Nikolai had parked outside the school gates.

I peeked out of the window and my breathing immediately hitched.

So many people.

I hadn't met this many people in a long time. In the last few months, the only people I had had contact with were my therapist, my brother and my parents.

I hadn't been in school in months. Although I had been enrolled in school online, I hadn't been here physically.

"Take me back, Nikolai." I demanded, and I could have sworn I saw something flash across his face, but I paid no heed to it.

I didn't want to be here, not now.

"I can't do that." I scowled at him, "You have to go back to school."

"No, I haven't spoken to Yvette about it yet. I haven't told her that I will be joining school, I haven't."

This is where it all happened.

"You'll be fine, you do not need a therapist to help you go to school."

"That's not true, Yvette will tell me–"

I couldn't breathe. My throat felt clogged up and every breath I took felt like more was being drawn out.

I clawed at my throat and chest, desperate to get air into my lungs and help my body function but nothing was working.

"Hey, hey, look at me." I felt a light tap on my cheek as a soothing voice followed it.

When did Nikolai get here?

I couldn't focus. I just couldn't.

He snapped his fingers in front of my face, "Nicolette, follow my finger."

I clawed at my neck, desperate for air, but instead it seemed it had gotten closed up completely.

Nikolai pulled my hands away from my neck, which I was sure would be red, and held them down with one of his.

"Nicolette follow my finger, alright? Just follow my finger."

I complied, following his index finger with my eyes as he moved it slowly in front of my face.

"Good, you're doing good. Now breathe with me, inhale." He inhaled loud enough for me to copy and exhaled after two seconds.

I did the same and he nodded, smiling at me. He continued to take deep breaths, and I followed suit until mine became steady.

"You'll be fine, everything will be fine. I'll be here to pick you up after you're done with school."

I looked at him, and he had a kind of emotion that I was recently getting used to seeing on him.

Care.

I gulped down the lump in my throat and nodded, "Are you ready to go in?" He asked.

No, I could never be.

"Yes." I replied, "I am."

He opened the door and stepped out, holding it open for me as well.

I took a breath, picked up my bag and stepped out of the expensive-looking car.

I clutched the straps of the bag tightly when I saw a few pairs of eyes shift from the car to my figure.

Maybe they know.

I shook my head, trying not to let my paranoia get the best of me. I turned towards Nikolai, who was standing by an open driver's seat door.

I gave him a small nod, "Goodbye Nikolai."

He gave me a small wave, smiling yet again. "Bye Nicolette."

I walked past the gates, then reached the doors. With a shaky breath, I pushed open the doors and stepped into the school hallways.

Welcome back to hell.