Within Fifty Days

If only fairy godmothers existed. If I had one, she would solve all my problems. But most of all, she would solve the very thing that I have had zero progress in for the past few years. Becoming the ideal self that I have always dreamt of.

I swear, years are taken off my life every time I remember I have to show up to the high school reunion in my childhood town and face all the memories without having achieved any of the dreams my teenage self had. Even just acting like Cinderella for the night, showing up as this perfect person, then leaving with no hopes of going back, would be enough. Simply this thought of having this upcoming event with nothing to show has been giving me a throbbing headache all morning, and I know that dreadful day in January is creeping up since the usual Chicago all chill has turned into a stinging cold wind, hitting my face as the early morning light is slowly peaking through the towering buildings. Each strong gust is a painful reminder of the upcoming event.

When I first moved to the city, my suburban self never understood why Chicago was known as the “windy city”, but as I speed walk to get one of the things that gives me motivation to live, I understand. Seeing my reddened face in the reflection, I pull open the door to Crown Cafe and find Melanie waving me down.

“Mel, what the hell is this weather? I’m going through it as it is, but now I gotta deal with this wind ugh,” I grumble to her as I grab the coffee she has stretched out.

Mel grins and she tells me, “Ellie, you gotta relax. If you show up this annoyed to work, you’re only gonna prove Brian right that you never smile.”

I roll my eyes as I take a sip of my hot black coffee that doesn’t taste as good as the one I get at home. Nothing can beat my family’s Baked & Brewed cafe, but it works for all the mornings I have to get to Grafexa for work.

“Who wouldn’t be annoyed everyday when all I get to deal with are clients that are indecisive and are confused when I tell them I can’t do something illegal for their design. Like come on, how shallow minded can people be?” I huff out while Mel just chuckles.

Each day melts into one long year for me, especially with my current job. Mel and I always meet for coffee before heading to work where I will have to sit for hours drawing logos and designs for clients that only ever have complaints.

Trekking all the way to our building for work with our hands clutching hot coffee, we scan our ID’s and enter the glass building with our heels clacking on the marble flooring. Up to the twelfth we go, where the glorious view lies, but also my personal hell.

Whenever I enter this building, my mind and body goes numb. I just want to leave. This place is the constant reminder of what could’ve been for me.

Fortunately for me, my desk sits right next to Mel. Unfortunately for me, the wall in front of me is all glass. I can’t even appreciate the view because I have a clear shot of Edgewater General Hospital. One of the places I could’ve worked if I got a single medical school interview and became a doctor. Now, all I have is an incessant reminder as I work at an office that drains the life out of me.

Don’t get me wrong. I love graphic designing because I get to spend time drawing and being the artist five-year-old Ellie wanted to do when she had no clue what life demanded. It just isn’t where the current Ellie was hoping life would take her. I wanted to be there for people at their most vulnerable times, learn all the complexities of the human body, and simply be in a work environment that I never grew tired of because that’s where my passion stands.

But now I can’t do anything about it. My efforts only led me to now staring into my Google Calendar to see my upcoming clients looking for logos for their businesses. 9:00 AM and I am about to start with my first client of fifteen. Great. This day is going to be yet another painful one.

“No sir, I am unable to use a copyrighted image for your logo unless you are somehow able to get permission.” Here we go again.

“Yes you can. Just change the colors a little and it will be perfect for my music studio.”

I press my pointer and thumb into the corners of my eyes. This call has been going over time for an hour now. I have to somehow make it to my next call in five minutes without losing this customer and my brain.

With my patience almost dead, I let the guy know, “I am sorry, but I am unable to use any copyrighted images in our work. I understand your thoughts on it being a public image, but I can direct you to our policies. The best I can do is provide you with the same art style but with my own design.”

By the time he agrees, I am fifteen minutes late to my next client. Spectacular. If I have to hear about this from my manager, Brian, before I leave, I am going to break down.

“Hun, do you want me to take your next client? We don’t want to scare them away with your soulless eyes.” Mel is leaning over the thin wall of the cubicle winking at me with her usual bright self that she somehow manages to uphold in a hell hole like this.

“No, it’s alright.” I link my hands and stretch my arms towards the ceiling as I lean back, glancing at Mel, “It’s the last client of the day anyways. Thank the heavens for that.”

I put on my fakest smile, and open up the Zoom link with my remaining energy after that terrible client. As the link loads, I prepare myself to apologize for the delay and hope for this to go quickly, because I have somewhere to be right after work. My glorious bed.

However, when the Zoom call finally loads, my brain decides to leave work before I do. Staring back at me is none other than my previous academic rival, Alden Cohen. The one that constantly competed with me in every one of my college classes, and had the very same dream as me. Except, he achieved it and I didn’t. He won, and I lost.

 Now, I’m not gonna lie, I am usually great at putting on a fake smile no matter the circumstance. It is how I have been getting through life with my vanished cheery self. Someone may look at me right now and think, “Oh, I wouldn’t want her to be my doctor. She isn’t patient, she lacks optimism and enthusiasm, and is just gloomy.” I hear about the lack of ‘life’ I have all the time.

The thing is though, I never used to be like this. But when my plans got swept from underneath me, my whole self also left.

I used to be the one bringing the energy, and the person staring at me through the screen would agree. However, as my plastered smile starts slipping and my face fills with shock, I realize I can’t let him see what I’ve turned out to be. In all honesty, I am embarrassed to show this self of mine to him.

I haven’t spoken to Alden since graduation when the last thing I told him was a simple ‘congrats’ that I am sure oozed with jealousy he was pleased to hear. And it seems that it’s going to stay that way, because as I see his eyes widen in realization, and his mouth opening to speak, I slam the laptop shut without a second thought.

Am I going to get fired? Maybe. Although it sounds crazy, and even though I need the job, I would take that over talking to Alden.

I started breathing heavily, not even realizing I had been holding in my breath. I peer over to Mel’s desk and it seems she’s in the middle of a call. With my shaky hands, I scribble a note to give a reason for leaving, pack everything into my bag, and rush out the door.

For once, I am thankful for the cool air that slams into my face the second I am on the sidewalk. I am so tired from today, and I have a feeling that my ordinary days are going to be disrupted with whatever just happened with Alden.

I need excitement and a change to my routine, but Cohen is definitely not what I need.