Forged

There she stood, the girl I only knew by name, nothing else, I know nothing about her. She looked tired from the jet lag, she was not alone, she was surrounded by friends - friends I knew, friends I knew well enough to join in the conversation if I wanted to. But I didn’t. I didn’t want to join the conversation. I wanted her all to myself. I don’t understand it, I never looked at a woman before in the same way since a while back - so smart, so funny, so beautiful. I get a tap from someone behind me, I turn around and see one of my friends. “And what would you like from me?” I say, walking to the side to admire the view.“You got any good photos?” Oh yeah, forgot about that. This was a trip after all - not enough to warrant my own romantic problems and entwine myself from not taking photos to remember the night. The night my eyes met her. “I have not,” I say, turning, walking to the other side of my friends to look past him and to her - to see her smiling, to see her enjoying the trip, something I have yet managed to do. I start to think... about where I am - New York City. A city well defined, a city covered in culture, a city covered by love and romance. How can I achieve this? How can I use this beautiful city to help myself and end the trip by having her hand in mine? “You should, it’s a great view,” he says, turning around, clearly pointing out the fact he knows I was looking at a girl. He looks back with a side smile and says: “So which one are we looking at?” He says, turning back towards them and back to me, waiting on a reply. “Which one what? Sorry, I zoned out.” I say, trying to lie my way out of the current situation which I idiotically put myself into by looking at her. I look back into the night sky. “I know you was looking at a girl, I know you was. But which one? It’s okay - no one judges you for moving on, no one expects any different.” I know he’s right. It’s been a year. I can’t get strung up on a girl who left, I cannot go on any more regretting not being enough - can I? I don’t have an answer to that, and I don’t know if I need one in my life. I need to focus on getting the one who’s currently flowing between my thoughts. But how? How am I meant to engage with her? How am I meant to talk to her in any other way than friends? Will she think any different than just friends? Does she have a boyfriend? I hope not. But hope is not enough - it never is. I need to find out using actual information, not just a hunch, not just by hoping. Only reason I will ever find out is by asking her. By going up to her and asking her. Maybe she thinks the same, maybe she says “yes,” maybe she feels the same and we have a holiday relationship. But on the other hand, maybe she doesn’t, maybe she doesn’t know me enough. Maybe she will just smile and let me down gentle. Maybe I’ll get a slap - waking me up from this life. And being an addition to the number of total rejections I already have. Before I can think, my body moves itself in her direction. “Her, can I speak to you for a quick minute?” I say to her and her group of friends. One of them looks at me with a sense of conclusion. She goes and whispers in my ear: “What are you doing?” What was I doing? I didn’t even know. All I knew was that I was not giving in to my fear of rejection. I was to do this for me. For a chance to be happy. To be in a relationship or to get rejected again. I whisper back: “You said to be happy I need to follow my instinct, right?” She did indeed not say that. She did however say: “Whatever you are thinking of doing, think about it multiple times first.” I did listen. But I knew that she would not agree with me doing this. She was - social terms describe as - a girl best friend. But I just had a feeling that her knowing, at least until after the trip, would not end well. I just knew right then and there that I had to do this off my own back - no waiting for the right time. It’s a high building, it’s romantic enough - at least for After by Anna Todd except I don’t have THAT many red flags. “Sure, where do you want to go?” she says. I feel looks of conclusion around me. I point in a direction and we start to walk, side by side. I can almost hear the wedding bells chiming. We arrive to the higher point of the building. Below us, thousands of lights, thousands of individual cars roam the streets, making the noise that removes the awkward silence that is between us. I turn to look at her. Unlike when I could not look my mate in the eye - I do with her. Why? I have no idea. No logical explanation. Her big, beautiful brown eyes stare at me - bright, deep and full of stories I want to know and stories I want to create with her. At this dizzying height, those eyes are the only real thing I can believe in. We stand there for a bit, enjoying the view - waiting for someone to start the talk of the night. “There’s something I’ve been wanting to ask you?” I say, looking down at my friends taking a group photo. They knew I was up here talking to her - but none of them knew why. I wanted to keep it that way... until I knew the result. “So, what’s going on? You okay?” she asks. “Yeah, I’m fine. I was just wondering if you would like to enjoy this holiday as a couple?” I ask her. She looks at me. Her eyes widen - not in a hunting widen - but a look of... Love.She begins to open her mouth to reply- “Bro, you good?” he asks, snapping his fingers in front of my face. I flinch. For a moment, the rooftop feels like it’s spinning. Our college meets up and we all stand in a group. I look around for her - my eyes don’t catch her beauty. But she was here. I swear she was here. My eyes continue to look around the building, darting from person to person. Nothing. No sign of her. I start to ascend the building, retracing the steps from my vision. I start to look crazy. I remember what happened. I look to where she was stood. Something’s off - like my memory has been re-edited by someone else. “C’mon,” he says, tugging my arm. I follow, taking one last look over and down at the people—Then... I see her.