Prologue
Los Angeles in 2004 could make you feel lonely. With all those couples full of life and respect, all that exuberant vivacity and worn smiles that make you feel like you will never experience that joy in your murky existence. For most of the population that had to lead you to two choices: disappear or disperse yourself in this tender and false happiness. On the contrary, for other people this meant being insignificant. And this did not bother them at all, because it made them feel less responsible for their choices and the repercussions on the outside world, since it was too busy having fun in other people's houses or the clubs. God, those completely unbothered people were so calm, too busy fighting with their own brain to fight with all the freaks on the streets - also because most of the time they were the freaks. They were cool, intense, free but trapped in their head and past. For every lesbian, the coolest was Shane. Shane McCutcheon. A name that almost 1300 young (and not) women screamed while having the best orgasm in their life. Most of the time when they were alone, remembering the wild fuck they had nights before with the blue-eyed mystery that "didn't even remember their name" according to the 98% of them. But i swear, she really was the coolest. She was a mess, on the outside as much as on the inside, she was hungry for something vague and elusive like air, like her. Fuck yes, she was vague. She used to watch the crowd in night clubs like no one was actually there. Probably she just felt too heavy-hearted for anyone else, or at least that's what they said. In my opinion, she just needed someone to take those infinite pebbles that scratched her heart and throw them down into the sea. She never understood this, because in her 20 years old brain they would never have thrown them, instead they would have tried to make them less stinging. No one really wanted to fix her, unless it was for their own benefit.
20 years later many things changed, but none of those 1300 girls know that. Shane found her peace, but not the normal one. She found her own kind of peace, while knowing damn well that all those girls not-so-young-anymore are still wondering where the hell did that beautiful androgynous girl go, who twenty years earlier was capable of turning anyone's heart upside down with just a grimace, even though no one had ever understood what was so special in those lips and straight teeth. None of them know what she's doing right now, none except me. Because i never tried to make the pebbles more rounded - i just took them out of her and threw them in the air. And she was happy, God she really was. No one knew, no one knows, but i do and she does. This is what really matters.
Los Angeles could make you feel really lonely, but also fulfilled. Although, maybe, i'm not talking about Los Angeles. I'm talking about her.
