Loves of My Life

"Alaina, we're going to be late, and you know how she is, hurry up." Calls Danny. I close my eyes and sigh. This wasn't how I wanted to spend my Sunday.

I open them again and stare at my reflection in the mirror. Dark circles ring tarnished crystal blue, these eyes lost their shine years ago.

Putting the last pin in my shoulder length chestnut hair, I turn away. The dingy hotel room we've called home for the past 48 hours suffocates me. It's smell of old cigarettes and dampness make my stomach churn. With a cursory glance, my eyes fall to a stain I can't identify marring a large portion of the carpet. How lovely.

At least we didn't have to pay for it. An all inclusive stay Marie had said. Though, why the thought to spend a little more on lodging than she did on the flowers that would only last the afternoon never crossed her mind, I can only begin to guess at.

Not that it would have made this weekend much better. Weddings are always hard for me, because none of them have ever been mine. I don't mean to sound bitter, it's just gut wrenching to see happy couple after happy couple promising forever, when happiness has become a foreign concept to me.

No, this was not my wedding. At this point, I don't know if one ever will be. Danny doesn't seem too concerned by it. In fact, it seems to be the last thing on his mind. I use to ask him about it, used to dream of the day it would finally happen for me. But time after time, he had some dismissive response. So, I don't bring it up anymore. The list of excuses and evasions are so long now, I can't remember them all.

I zip my makeup bag into my suitcase, and sit tentatively on the bed to put on my shoes. I'm sure this quilt has seen horrors I would rather not think about.

I take my time with the buckles, knowing this is the last few minutes I'll have today without forced niceties and conversation so dull it could make ears bleed.

Danny's family has always been a sore spot for me. He had a golden childhood. Parents who loved each other, a wealth of siblings to act as companions, and a private school education that he puts to as much use as he does our $600 blender he insisted on purchasing. It now sits in our pantry collecting dust.

We argue about it a lot. His family, not the blender. He just doesn't understand how hard it is to be around them. To see what a family looks like intact, and happy. To be chastised and prodded to answer questions they will never like the answers to. I don't know why I put myself through it, other than the fear of being alone.

Maybe I should stop.

No. I let the thought go almost as soon as it comes, the thought of bailing. Catching the next flight back to Cleveland and leaving Danny, and his menagerie of relatives to wonder where I've gone. Would they care? Would they even notice? Oh well, it's not like I'll actually do it.

I stand up finally, and make my way outside.

Danny is standing by the car, checking his watch. Doesn't he know it's bad manners to wear a watch to a wedding? Not that his manners are much to behold, nor his temperament anymore. I don't know what happened. The Danny I fell in love with was so joyful and excited about life, excited about the future. He was my light.

He's changed though, this Danny is colder, more critical. He says he's practical, but it comes off as soulless at times. We don't laugh anymore, don't go out of our way to make the other's day better. We might as well be roommates instead of lovers in our current state.

I don't say anything to him as I open the passenger door to the car and sit, putting on my seat belt, and closing the door a smidge harder than necessary. He gets in, and looks over at me. "You look pretty Laina. I like the way you did your hair." He tells me.

I'm taken aback. It takes me a moment to formulate a response. "Oh, thank you. You look good too, very GQ." I mutter. That makes him smile, if only a little. "Thank you. Ready to hit the road?" He asks. I give him a terse nod, and he puts the car in drive.

Glancing at the dash, maps tells me that the venue is 32 minutes away from our hotel. Given that it's now 5:47pm, we'll be arriving early. I don't know why he was in such a rush, it's not like it's going to start on time. Weddings never do. I won't bring it up though. He seems to be in a rare good mood. Why ruin it?

I let my mind drift elsewhere. To the leaves on the looming golden trees that envelop the hills, as our car weaves its way down long and winding country roads. Marie, the bride, and Danny's youngest sister, insisted on having her wedding in Tennessee. Which meant we had to travel.

Traveling wasn't the part that bothered me, it's the destination. From what I saw through the planning stages, and what I've seen at the rehearsal, Marie's wedding looks a lot like my own would. If she had come up with the idea organically, I would probably be happy for her. But this grand plan came on the night of her engagement party that I was pressured into attending.

It was about a year and a half ago. I was sitting at the table with Marie, Danny's oldest sister Kelly, and Danny's mother Laura. The conversation was stale. "This flower looks better with these colors, these plates are far superior to those ones." Planning before a date had even been set.

Then Kelly, in typical condescending fashion, asked me, "Alaina, what would your dream wedding look like? You're the only one of us who isn't married or engaged, but surely you've thought about it."

The others stared at me, Marie's eyebrows raised, and Laura grinned smugly. "Well, I don't really know, it would depend on the season and who I'm marrying, it's not just up to me. I'd want my partner involved too." Marie had frowned at that. "Well, Connor said it's all up to me. He wants nothing to do with it. Everyone knows weddings are for the bride anyways." She proclaimed. I had to stifle an eye roll.

Then Kelly prodded further. "Come on Alaina, you have to have some ideas."

I heaved a long sigh. "Well, I guess I'd want a fall wedding, somewhere in the country, with lots of trees and hills. The ceremony held in a little white church, with a small reception of my closest friends and family, ideally somewhere outdoors. A simple cake, and a big buffet of all my favorite foods. Nothing fancy, just a good time with good people there to celebrate our love."

No one said anything right away. Then Kelly smiled." Well that sounds lovely. Marie, there has to be some inspiration we can take from this. You love the country too." Marie giggled. "Oh yes, remember that time we went to Nashville on spring break Kell? What if we did a Tennessee wedding, and had the reception in a barn somewhere?!" They went on that way for an hour. Except the barn became a country club, and the small reception became a festival of over 200 people.

Now, on the day of, I can't help but ache looking out the window. This would never be mine. Even if I married Danny one day, I wouldn't get this. I'd be accused of copying Marie, and being insensitive. I'd probably end up on a beach somewhere knowing my luck, because Laura thinks that the ocean would be nice that time of year. My wishes will always be an afterthought. No use dwelling on it. I'm here, and it's happening, so my plan is to get outrageously drunk, and forget about it all.

When we arrive at the church. My heart lurches, and I have to staunch the tears that prick my eyes. It's beautiful. A single room chapel at the top of a small hill. Lanterns line the path that leads to its doors, and with the sun starting to set, it's utterly incomparable.

I have to muster strength to push the car door open. Have to count my breaths as we make our way up the path and into the church. Tears threaten again as I take it all in.

The hall has been made up with garlands of fairy lights, daisies, and lush ivy. White rose petals carpet the ground. A string quartet plays softly from the front of the room, and I struggle to choke down the bile that wells in my throat. This was my own personal Hell given form.

Once we take our seats. I look over at Danny. He doesn't seem to notice the splendor though, his eyes fixed on something farther up in the pews, or rather, someone. I don't recognize her, but I wouldn't need to in order to understand why she's captured his attention.

She's beautiful, and in the most obvious way. Thin, yet shapely. Tall, but not so much as to be manly. Blonde hair, not long, but expertly maintained, and green eyes that reflect the soft lighting like emeralds. She's talking to an older woman, and her smile is so effortless that it hurts.

I attempt to conceal my distaste as I feel Danny rising next to me. "Where are you going?" I ask him.

He falters. "Oh, I... I see an old friend. I was going to go and say hello." He explains. I just stare at him.

"Oh, okay." I respond. He tenses slightly. "Would you want to come with me?" I can hear his hesitation. The silent prayer that I'll decline his empty gesture. Not today though. I give him a small smile. "Sure." I say with feigned brightness, standing to walk with him. He doesn't look at me again as we head in the direction of the blonde.

I don't know what pisses me off more, the excitement in his tone as Danny calls "Ally?" Or the light behind the polished jade irises as the blonde's eyes dart in our direction, then widen.

"Danny Callahan? Is that you? My god. You haven't changed a bit." She dotes. Closing the space between them and pulling him into an embrace. She pulls away, giggling, and looks him over further.

"I wish I could say the same about you. Or maybe I don't, because the change I see is certainly for the better." He croons. I almost don't believe what I'm hearing. Are they flirting? Right here in front of me? Maybe I should have stayed in my seat.

You know what, no.

I clear my throat as derisively as possible. This jars Danny back to the moment, and to my presence. "Oh, Ally. This is Alaina. Alaina, this is Allison Hawkins. Ben's little sister. We were friends a long time ago." I meet her eyes and offer a small but cold smile. "Oh, I see. Very nice to meet you Ally. I'm Alaina Morrison, Danny's girlfriend." I offer a hand to her.

She takes it, but pulls me into a hug instead. It's my instinct to recoil, but I manage to make it through without moving away too quickly.

"It's so nice to meet you Alaina! Isn't Danny the sweetest? He was a real lifesaver in high school. See, I used to be kind of fat and awkward. But Danny didn't see me that way. He actually took me to prom my senior year because I couldn't find a date and..." I interrupt her.

"Well isn't that just so charitable of him." I all but seethe. Danny laughs awkwardly. "Oh, that, well, I couldn't let my best friend's little sister miss out on prom. It was the least I could do after you helped me pass my calculus class. You saved me too you know." Ally beams, and I scowl in turn.

"Well, you're a pair of regular heroes. If only Danny would come to my rescue every once in a while." I denounce. Danny glares at me. "That's Laina, always one for a joke." He says, jabbing me with his elbow a little too hard. I wasn't joking, but he knows that.

Suddenly, as if by the grace of god, the officiant begins speaking. "If everyone would please take their seats. The ceremony will begin shortly." This seems like my first bit of good luck all day. I turn to go and sit without saying anything else to them. Danny follows.

"What the hell Alaina, do you have to be a bitch to every friend I introduce you to?" He asks harshly. I stare at him. "I don't know Danny. Maybe just the friends you choose to undress with your eyes. And don't call me a bitch. Ever." I scold back. He rolls his eyes. "As if Laina, she's my friend. I've know her since we were little kids. She's like Ben, basically family." He tells me. I scoff.

"Oh, family. Then tell me. In the three years we've been together, why has she never come up? Explain that." He rolls his eyes. "I don't know, maybe because I don't think about her enough for it to be relevant. Isn't that a good thing?"

I have to stifle a guffaw. "Or maybe, you just don't want me to know that you think about her. Maybe that's the case."

I consider walking out right then and there, but I don't.

"You know what. It doesn't matter. I get nowhere by arguing with you. Let's make it through this ceremony, and then I am going to get wasted, and forget this whole goddamn weekend ever happened." I proclaim. He goes to say something else, but I shoot him a shut the fuck up glare.

Moments later, the string quartet begins to play more loudly. At first, the song doesn't register to me. It's just noise in my swimming head. Then, the notes start to filter through, and something inside me rises to the surface. A memory.

Snow. The taste of whiskey. The ashes of a cigarette. The smell of skin. My heart seizes. This song. It's been so long since I've heard it. I've done everything I can to avoid it because it hurts so much to think about. The song that brings his eyes to mind. How the way he looked at me could have lit me on fire where I stood. How his touch could set every inch of my skin singing.

No. He was gone. I can't let myself remember. He wasn't even real. A hallucination brought on by years of dreams and emotional drought. It never happened. He's not real.

The song comes to an end, and with it I catch my breath.

Then comes the wedding march, and there she is. Marie's dress, while pretty, is far from what I would have chosen for myself. It's made of silk, slinky and form fitted. A slit runs half way up her thigh, and the halter neckline ties in a bow that reaches the length of her train. It's very Marie, I'll say that much. Then, I look over at Connor. He's staring at the floor. Nerves? Or something else. I couldn't say just yet.

When he finally lifts his gaze, she's almost to him, and his eyes meet hers. He melts a little, and then a lot. They really love each other. I can't help but smile at that. As much as Marie frustrates me, and grates on my nerves, she's good at heart. The way she talks about Connor, it gives me hope that they'll last. Then I realize, if someone asked me to talk about my feelings for Danny, my answers would sound very different from hers.

The ceremony is too saccharine to be touching. More than a few people cry. When it ends and we are permitted to leave, I go and find the only person in the room I can tolerate at the moment.

Danny's aforementioned best friend Ben.

He smiles as I approach. "Hey Lainey. How's it goin?" He asks, pulling me into a hug. Ben and I have been close since Danny introduced us. We had similar family situations growing up, and he spent a lot of time at Danny's house as a kid because of it. That made him family to the Callahans.

I hug him back. "It was a lovely ceremony." I tell him. My expression a bit mocking. He frowns. "No, I meant, how are things going for you? You look absolutely lovely by the way. Danny sure is a lucky man." He says with a smile.

Now it's my turn to frown. "I wish he acted like it Ben. What do you know about him and your sister?" I ask him plainly. His eyes grow dark.

"Um, well, that's a sensitive subject." He mutters, scratching at the stubble that's starting to return to his cheek. I narrow my gaze at him. "Sensitive how?" He blanches a bit. "Look, this really isn't the time or the place. It's nothing, really. Probably." I grab him by the arm. "Ben. You tell me right now." It's demanding, but I need answers. He sighs. "Okay fine, but please understand that I don't know everything, and I could be wrong about what I do claim to know." Now it's my turn to sigh. "Fine. Yes. Just tell me. I can draw my own conclusions." He takes a deep breath.

"Well, I know that she's been pining for Danny since we were in middle school. She'd walk home with us every day, and follow him right up to the door. Then after Danny graduated, they stayed in touch. He even went as her date to her senior prom, then they spent that whole summer together. In the end, she went off to school in Georgia, and he went back to OSU. I think they lost touch, because I never heard about her much from him after that. Then maybe two, two and a half years ago, she came home over Christmas. Had dinner with the family and everything. There was a lot of whispering that weekend. Heavy glances. I think something may have happened, but he never mentioned it, and I was too afraid to ask. Besides, I don't have any proof. They were just awfully quiet."

Suddenly, the room starts spinning, bile rises again, and my heart threatens to fall out of my chest. I turn slowly, and look towards Ally, happily chatting with Laura and Kelly. Then I look back to Ben. "Ben. Danny and I have been together for three years. Are you telling me while I was sitting at home, bawling my eyes out, he was screwing her? Is that what you're telling me right now?"

I remember that Christmas in vivid detail. My grandfather had just passed. The only person left in the world who had seen me as a person, and not just a situational convenience. I had gotten the call two days before Christmas Eve, and hadn't stopped sobbing since. We were supposed to go together to his family's celebrations, but I couldn't stomach it. Not that year. So I said I would stay home, and he didn't fight me. I think he might have been a little pleased to get away from my despair for a few days. No matter what he said to the contrary.

But to hear this. To know that I may have been betrayed in such a way. I have to hold back vomit.

Ben grimaces, but shakes his head. "I don't know for sure. I would have no way to prove it. He never told me anything happened. They were just weird, and off. That's all I know Alaina. I'm sorry. Look, want me to give you a ride to the reception? You seem like you could use some space from all of this. I could too, if I'm being honest. Laura and Kelly have been grilling me about Chloe all weekend. I'm getting tired of it."

I can tell he's trying to change the subject, and I hesitate for a moment, but his offer is too tempting to refuse. "Please. Let's get the fuck out of here. But this conversation isn't over."

I follow him out the door and down the hill, and we hop into his truck. He doesn't start the engine right away. Instead, he leans his seat back, and takes a few deep breaths. "I shouldn't have told you that Laina. I'm sorry. I don't even know if anything happened. I don't want to give you reason to doubt him if there isn't one. All that was a long time ago."He laments. I shake my head.

"No, there are plenty of reasons, this is just the latest nail in the coffin. He didn't tell me they dated. He made it seem like he took her to the prom and forgot about her after that. Which clearly isn't the case. I appreciate you telling me. I'll figure out a way to handle it. Now, what's going on with Chloe? I thought you guys were doing well?" I ask. He frowns.

"Things aren't necessarily bad, Laura and Kelly are just on my ass about proposing. You know she considers me a son. Maybe more than my own mom. She says she worries about me, says that 26 is old enough and I need to buckle down and start a family. She doesn't want me to end up alone. The thing is, I don't know if I want kids, and I know Chloe does. We've talked about it a few times, and we always end up arguing because I tell her I'm not ready. What I haven't told her, is that I might never be. Maybe that makes me the asshole. But I love her. I guess I'm struggling with the fact that it might not be fair for me to keep her trapped in a relationship where she might never have what she wants. You know?"

He looks at me then, and his eyes are the saddest I've seen them in a long time. "That's hard Ben. For you and in general. Whatever you do, don't make a decision based on what Laura and Kelly are telling you. No one ends up happy that way. You really should tell Chloe how you feel about kids though, be direct. If you aren't 100% sure you want them, make sure she thinks that you are 100% against it. False hope isn't the way to keep your relationship alive. Trust me, I would know."

He sighs. "You're right. That's honestly the best advice I've gotten on the situation. I'll talk to her. I just have to make it through this weekend first, and so do you. Come on, let's go drink."

I send Danny a text letting him know I went ahead with Ben, and then we make the 20 minute drive to the reception venue. He doesn't respond, but he read the message. Good enough for me.

When we arrive, only a few guests have made it there before us. Wasting no time, we head for the bar. Thankfully, the reception space is gaudy enough to elicit a laugh in lieu of tears.

It takes two drinks for me to relax enough to start having fun. It takes another two before Danny walks through the door. To my displeasure, Ally is right behind him. But I don't move from my seat. Danny can come to me when he's ready to stop being an asshole.

Sometime after my 5th drink. He sits down next to me. "Lainey, can we talk? Outside. Please." I glare at him. "Depends on what we're talking about." I slur, a little dramatically. He frowns. "Please Laina. This isn't how I wanted this weekend to go. Just for a minute, come outside with me."

I sigh. "Ten minutes. But only if you get me another drink." Seeming to agree to my conditions, he laughs. "As you wish." Then he goes to find the bartender. I wonder what he could possibly have to say. I also wonder if I should confront him about the information I received. Either way, when he returns with a mojito, I follow him out into the club's garden.

The sun has set now, and the little twinkling lights strewn about make for a beautiful backdrop to what I'm sure will be an unpleasant conversation. We find a bench near a fountain and sit. When I move to face him, I can tell that he's either been crying, he's nervous, or both.

"Okay, your time starts now. Talk." I bark.

He sighs, and then meets my eyes. "When we left home for this trip, I didn't know what to expect. I knew you were hesitant to come along, and I knew there were a thousand places you'd rather be. At best, I hoped for you to find the joy in it, to be able to relax and have a good time, it's my sister's wedding for gods sake. At worst, I expected us to fight and spend most of the weekend in silence. I'd say a bit of both has happened. You seem to be having a decent time, albeit without me, but Laina, I want you to know how glad I am that you're here.

I want you to know how glad I am to have you in my life. I know things have been hard lately. We don't do things that we used to do, we've lost the fun and the love that we used to live for. I'm sorry for that. I know a lot of it's my fault. I've been neglectful and unkind to you. I apologize for that as well. I want you to know, that I'm going to be better, you're everything to me Alaina, and I need to be better at showing it. Starting by giving you something I should have given you a while ago. A promise."

He stands up. Then he gets down on one knee. I don't know what comes over me, but I bust out laughing. Not a giggle or a chuckle, a hearty belly laugh. I can't get it to stop either. Before long, I'm laughing so hard I'm crying, and he looks at me with genuine concern. "Laina, are you okay?" He asks. That ends the laughter.

I inhale deeply. "Are you serious? Like, are you actually going to propose to me right now? Were you planning this the whole time, or is this some last second Hail Mary to try and make me forget all the bullshit I've endured?"

When he doesn't respond, I assume he thinks I'm being sarcastic, but when I don't say anything else, he gets a little flustered. "I, well, what do you think Alaina? You think I just went out and bought a ring in the last hour and decided to do this here and now? Of course I've been planning it. That's the whole reason I was so excited for us to come here. You love weddings, I know how much you want your own. So, that's what I'm giving you. Let's get married baby. It's been long enough. I love you. We can be happy again. I know it. What do you say?"

He pulls a box out of his pocket and opens it. As I analyze the ring, my heart sinks a little. I'm sure that most girls would find it beautiful. However, it's about as far from what I like as it could be.

It's a solitaire diamond, probably a little under a carat, on a white band, probably gold. I'm sure it was outrageously expensive, and I'm also sure that we can't afford it. I don't know how I didn't notice the money missing. How long has he had it?

I take the box from him, and remove the ring. Turning it in hand a few times, my face forms an expression somewhere between a smile and a grimace. Could I actually do this? Forgive him, forget everything Ben just told me, and hope for a better future? I don't know.

The metal is cold, colder than it should be. I decide to test it on my finger. Unsurprisingly, it's too loose. The stone tilts to the side and sits there awkwardly. "It's too big." I tell him.

He looks a bit panicked. "Well we can have it resized. I didn't know your size off the top of my head. My bad." He straightens his tie and keeps looking at me. Something isn't sitting right with me, there's something too convenient about all this. Why? Why after so long would he do this now?

"Well if you bought it before we left, why didn't you take one of my rings with you to match the size?" He frowns. "I didn't think about it I guess. I'm sorry Lainey. We will get it resized as soon as we get back home. You have my word. Now come on, we have a party to get back to, fiancée." He says with a small grin. But instead of smiling, I frown.

"But I didn't..." I stop myself, and look at the ring. Who was I kidding. I'm 26, if I say no now, will I be alone for the rest of my life? Maybe Ben was right. Maybe nothing happened and he's just horrible at reading people. Danny still lied, but it was a long time ago. Who cares that they dated in high school? Who cares when he's with me now? When he's standing here offering me forever.

He's right. I've wanted this for so long. But that may be the problem. Do I want to marry Danny, or do I want to have a wedding? I'm realizing that the two may not be mutually exclusive.

Does it even matter? Danny is smart, he's good looking, he keeps us financially stable. Sure, we may not love each other the way we used to, but a part of me gave up on love before we met. I've lost too much to lose this now. What's past is past. Maybe this really is how we move forward, or maybe it's the liquor talking, but I smile at him.

“That sounds great. Why don't you go ahead inside and share the good news. I'm going to take it all in and finish my drink. I won't be far behind you." I say sweetly.

He grins. "You've got it baby. I'll see you soon." He turns and heads inside. His step a little lighter.

I don't move an inch.

I stare at the ring, poking at the diamond to get it to sit straight. It does for a moment, then it falls to the side again. I sigh. I shouldn't be disappointed. This is a beautiful ring. I should consider myself lucky that he was willing to get me one this nice.

I try to smile, and for a second I do. Then I feel like crying. So, I take a very large sip of my drink, and I get up to walk father into the garden, the lights fuzzy in my intoxication.

Oh god, did I only say yes because I'm drunk? Will I regret this once I'm sober? No. Stop Alaina. I can't. I'm engaged. I'm getting married. It's all I've ever wanted. I'll be a good wife. I know I will. I can be excited for this. Right? This is what I want.

After strolling a bit longer I find myself under a gazebo. It isn't lit, but it looks out over a lovely pond. Looking up at the sky where the moon is full, and the stars are radiant, I find the brightest one, and I stare at it. Then I decide to do something I haven't since I was small. I make a wish. One wish. One last ditch effort to ensure I'm on the right path.

"You know what I really want? I want to feel again. I want to feel love, and joy, and excitement. I want to feel wanted, and beautiful, and happy. I wish I had a chance for that. I wish for love to find me, to choose me. I wish I didn't have to settle. So give me a sign. Show me. Show me this is right. Show me that everything will be okay. Show me that this isn't the end of my dreams, but the beginning instead. Give me a sign."

There's no evidence my words reached their mystical audience, and there would likely be no such sign. So, after baring my soul to no one, I finish my drink. Then I chuck the crystal glass towards the water, where it hits with a splash, and sinks out of view.