360

Everyone has heard the saying “people always change.” Well I agree to some extent, the reason being is that I believe people choose their ways. No one is forced to change, no one can change you. You’re the only one that can decide that. But then again I thought I knew all the people around me, turns out I never knew them too well. 

-+-+-+-+-+-+-+-+

I still remember when he asked me out, it was at the school’s carnival and almost everyone in town was there. We had all the work, funnel cakes, hay rides, petting zoo, someone was even rich enough to get a ferris wheel here. My school had an amazing booster club. Apparently, I didn’t play sports, just a rumor I heard.

I was in charge of the dunk booth, and I was the dunkie. I had been dunked more than 20 times, damn the football team and the cheerleaders. I was known as a nobody in my high school days but still was picked on by the popular kids. My shift was only supposed to be three hours but those that signed up decided to be sick or not show up that day, I had to be there all day.

The carnival was over around 9 and I didn’t have time to enjoy the carnival myself. The teacher who was in charge of supervising me asked me to have the tank cleaned and ready to be picked up the next day. I was half way done but my body was beginning to hurt. “Hey you need help there?” a guy’s voice asked from behind me. I looked up and there stood behind me, Joseph De Luca, my crush for as long as I can remember. We had gone to the same school and almost all the same classes since he moved here in middle school. His perfect black hair was blowing with the night’s breeze. His brown eyes looked at me and I swear they were shining.

“Yes please.” I said and by surprise helped me, nobody has ever helped me; no one even knows I exist. He helped me move the tank into the storage room. “Thank you so much . You saved me from a serious back injury.” I said. He laughed and I was surprised he laughed at that. “Welcome. My name’s Joseph.” he said, putting his hand out. “I know, we have like three classes together.” I said and felt so cliché for saying that.

“Oh yeah we do.” We walked side by side in an awkward silence. I hate that I struggle to keep a conversation going. What should I ask? How’s the weather? No, that would be stupid. Argh!

“Do you have a ride?” Joseph asked. I kept looking ahead, “Yeah I do. I just have to let my parents know when I’m ready to leave.” We both stopped when his name was being called from far away. I guess this is where our small encounter ends. “Thank you again for the help.” I turned to walk the other direction but Joseph had stopped me. “Why don’t you hang out with my friends and me? Just until your parents get here.” He was actually offering to hang out with me. This could be my chance.

“Umm thank you. But I already texted my mom and she’s three minutes out.” Why didn’t I just call mom and ask her to give me a few more minutes? “Well I guess I’ll see you in class on Monday.” I nodded and kept looking at him. I did do something out of the ordinary, at least for me. “Yeah. Do you mind if we exchange numbers?”

Who am I right now?

After that night we exchanged numbers and talked and texted once a week, twice if I was lucky . I could not believe how much this guy and I had so much in common. He listened to what I said, my career goals after high school, I even told him about my dream of having a family, two little girls and a house sitting on a piece of land. I always believed there was no type of guy like that left in the world.

We talked for about three months and it wasn’t until school was back in session for the remaining three months of the year. I should have known Joseph was up to something. He stopped responding to my texts and calls. I remember seeing him talking with his group of friends in the lunch room but was stung the most when he had this one particular girl sitting on his lap with his hand caressing her back. I stood in front of his group and they all looked at me, but caught me off guard when they all began laughing.

I was a little taken back when he laughed with them. “Umm hey Joseph. You haven’t answered my text.” He looked at me as if waiting for the conversation to go on. “Do you mind if we can talk privately?” One friend grabbed his shoulders, “Damn man! You were even texting her too.” He reached in his pocket and pulled out two $100 bills. “Listen here sweet Felicity or do you mind us calling you Licity? I know you prefer that name.” I stayed quiet and looked around. Anywhere but at them. “You really thought my friend here would be interested in you. I mean look at you and compare yourself to my good friend Valery here. She’s a woman but you, I’m sorry you’re just an innocent girl.”

The girl that sat on Joseph’s lap came up to me, looked me up and down. “This was all make believe. He was never interested; it was all a game and you lost.” They all then got up and left, I was standing by myself with only one tear rolling down my cheek.

Later that day, I waited near Joseph’s car. Call me desperate but I needed to know why. He never came out the front doors so I went looking for him. I looked near his locker, the classes we share, and even went inside the boy’s restroom but couldn’t find him. I held onto my arms walking down the hallway and I heard laughter coming from the band room. I reached the door but before I opened the door I heard his voice.

“Wow I expected tears, I mean I know I’m not that forgettable. This girl was tough to get into her pants. All the sap stories and gifts I had to buy just to get her to agree.”

He was speaking about the one time we slept together. It happened at his parents’ cabin before spring semester started. We had spoken about very intimate thoughts we had. I opened myself to him explaining my doubts on ever finding love and he spoke about feeling a weight on his shoulders with his family.

What a big lie that was.

I felt alone and didn’t get to speak with him for the remainder of our senior year. I saw him in class but never gave him a glance his way. I kept myself away, focused on getting into college. Unfortunately, life had other plans for me.

It wasn’t until graduation, just when I thought I had let him go, he decided to leave me a gift of a lifetime. I found out after the graduation ceremony that I was pregnant. All that I had worked for was now vanishing and I was losing my sanity.

I told my parents about what had happened and my father was beyond pissed but not at me. He got on his knees and cried in front of me. “My poor baby. Why did you not come to us?” I cried with them and we held onto each other. I explained to them about moving with my grandma, my dad’s mom, in Texas to start new. I had gotten a full ride to a college there and I would not have to worry about housing, just finding a job and childcare.

My mom took my hand and looked at me. “Don’t think you are alone my sweet Licity. Grandma has been missing a baby in the house. I’m sure something can be worked out and your father and I will visit often. It’s not lIke Texas is on the other side of the world.” I hugged my mom tight and her words gave me reassurance that I am not alone.

Here’s the thing about my dad’s side of the family, they are very traditional. By traditional I mean religious, marriage before sex, and women should take care of the house and men should be the providers for the family. Oh and to top the list my dad’s side of the family is predominantly Mexican. The move was anything but smooth at first. My grandma was not on board with me being pregnant out of wedlock. She even proposed to talk with Joseph and have him come to his senses and be involved with the baby. Fortunately, both my parents spoke to her about it being my decision and responsibility.

“Mira lo que pasa cuando no le pones un alto a tu hija. ¿Cómo va a criar una criatura a otra criatura? ¿Qué va a decir la gente?” "Look what happens when you don't educate your daughter? How is this child going to raise another child? What are people going to say?" We all sat at the kitchen table to speak about what the future holds. “Mamá no pienses en eso. Felicity tiene nuestro apoyo. Ella va a seguir yendo al colegio. Estamos en el proceso de buscar a alguien que pueda cuidar al bebe cuando nasca.” "Mom don't think like thatn. Felicity has our support. She will be continuing her studies at the university. We're also in the process of finding someone that can watch over the baby after it's born." My dad explained to her but it was still hard for her to understand.

Unfortunately, grandma believed that since I decided to sleep with someone then I should have full responsibility for the baby. Now I’m not saying she’s wrong but I also had a plan. “Esta culpa la tienes tú,” grandma pointed to my mom, “Es responsabilidad de la madre de ver por el bien de sus hijos. Nunca te hiciste cargo de Felicity. Preferiste trabajar que ver a tu niña.” "This is you fault. It's your responsibility as a mother to watch out for your children's well being. You were never took charge when Felicity was born. You preferred to work over watching over your daughter."

“Ya basta grandma!” I stood from my chair and raised my voice. The top rule in my family is never raise your voice to your elders. It shows a sign of disrespect. “It’s not mom or dad’s fault. I take full responsibility, but it takes two people to make a baby.” My mom stood up and placed her hand on my left shoulder. “I was blinded by love. I fell in love with a guy who I believed was sincere with me.” I could feel the stinging from my tears start. “I know what this family believes in but I also know that we don’t abandon each other in a time of need.” My body was beginning to shake and I could hear my voice cracking. “Lo único que quiero es que este bebe sea amado por nuestra familia. Que sepa que nunca me rendí y doy mi todo por él.” "The only thing I was is that this baby be loved by our family. That they know I never gave up and gave my everything for them." At this point I felt another hand on my other side, I knew it was my dad. Grandma stood up and walked over to me, she stared at me. I flinched when I saw her raise her hand, there was no sting from a slap. Instead a gentle hand came to rest on my cheek.

“Que el idiota que te hizo esto no tenga perdon de dios. Porque él no sabe de lo que se pierde.” "May the idiot that did this to you never have God's forgiveness. Because he doesn't know what he is missing." She then embraced me in a hug. I let it out, all the tears that I felt when Joseph lied to me, the emotion of the laughter his friends had, the fact that this baby will not have a father. I will be both, mother and father to her.

I don’t know the gender but I have a strong feeling it’s a girl. She will be my strength and I will give it my all to make her happy and proud of me.