Prozac Bottles and Nooses
Ryan gazed at his young friends in the courts from the classroom’s windows. “Stunted growth,” he’d tell them. Whenever his lack of aging got suspicious, living here would no longer be plausible. He looked around the empty classroom, he liked being alone, indulging in the loud silence that would fill the room with suffocating sensory input. Who would’ve known that after three hundred years one would get tired of hearing the same voices over and over again?
He kicked his feet, eyes now gazing towards the skinny, white letters in the black board; “Detention”. With his hand supporting his chin, he pondered. No, he wasn’t a nihilist, but nothing held meaning to his sole reason of being. Time was everything, and he had an unlimited amount of it. He had an infinite amount of everything and anything.
He only thought this way when he laid his eyes on her. Beautiful, flowing black hair that would make her almost invisible to others, but not to him. She wouldn’t talk at him, not even spare a glance. Her flaunting touch just made Ryan more eager to be with her, but he knew she wouldn’t take such a person like him.
A teacher entered the almost empty classroom, nodding over at Ryan. “Detention’s over, kid.” The blond stood up, and as he packed his things in his bag, he saw from the corner of his eye his loved one staring intently at a kind elderly man sitting on a park bench near the courts outside. Lucky him.
It wasn’t everyday Ryan saw her, so he stared for some seconds before rushing out of the classroom, leaving the underpaid teacher slightly bemused. The boy flew down the stairs, bursting the door open. Yes! She was still there, weaselling her way towards the oblivious man.
The other kids were too busy to notice the way Ryan was running towards the man who now clutched his heart, only turning their heads when they heard helpless grunts coming from him.
Screaming followed. Some froze, others rushed to the man’s side and more cried. Ryan did none of those. His eyes lost their glint, and his wide grin faded to a familiar solemn one. The first time this happened he lost half his own body weight, his mind and happiness. Now, he just felt disappointed. The girl was gone, having just given the man a tight embrace when Ryan arrived.
“Lucky bastard.” Ryan thought as the paramedics finally put the man in a gurney, all sirens and rush thrown out the window the moment one of the first responders put their ear to the still heart.
Not only did Ryan get edged by the mere sight of his lover, but now the school wanted him to see the school counsellor. Apparently he was either suspiciously close to the man when he had clawed at his ribcage, or the school thought he was now depressed by seeing someone’s life fluttering away firsthand. Neither weren’t true.
☆ ☆ ☆
He crossed his legs manishly, manspreading in an uncaring way. He might've had three hundred years to understand social cues or societal norms, but he wouldn’t follow them. Hands full with the mildly surprised counsellor's knick-knacks, he glanced up.
“So…how are you doing?” The counsellor asked, clearly looking as if he had time on his hands. Well, so did Ryan, but he was still impatient.
“What am I here for?” He asked straightforwardly, his leg bouncing up and down rapidly.
The counsellor’s eyes widened slightly, but he quickly shook it off. He was dealing with the lonely kid as he’d heard. “So young man, I’ve heard you witnessed an old lad pass away, is that so?”
Ryan nodded, but his eyes never left the toy he had in his fidgety hands. “I did, what about it?”
Was this kid acting tough? No way, he just watched an old man die. He’s coping. “Are you alright? Feeling okay?”
“Yeah, I don’t see why not.”
The counsellor sighed, was this kid a sociopath? Oh well. “Look, I've seen you’ve gotten in a lot of trouble lately, and you don’t connect well with other students. Your teachers tell me you put in no effort in class but still ace every test. What’s going on?”
Ryan, for once, considered speaking the truth. But he swallowed and shook his head. “Nothing.”
The man sitting in front of him rubbed his temple. “Ryan. You’re clearly very different from others, I’m trying to understand your situation.”
The blond looked outside, he was getting to a point where his classmates and people around him would notice if he still looked 15 when he was supposed to be older. He had considered moving away next year or so.
When Ryan remained silent, the counsellor sighed and got straight to the point. “We found this empty Prozac container in your locker. Judging by the date, it’s brand new, and I can see the bottom of it already. Are you suicidal, Ryan?” He was quite blunt about it, but nothing fazed the blond anymore.
“None of your business.”
The counsellor sighed and knew he was going to get nothing out of him, so he just told him to go to the principal’s office. But Ryan knew he couldn’t be fixed. He was the modern God, an indestructible one. If someone ever decided to detonate a backyard bomb, he’d be the only one in this world.
As he left, he noticed a girl. She clutched her backpack, hiding her exposed forearms. Ryan had lived long enough to notice what was going on, but he paid no mind.
☆ ☆ ☆
Apparently, the principal had better things to do, so Ryan had to wait. He had time, he guessed. Sitting in front of the office, the same girl sat next to him, the counsellor had probably sent her here too.
Ryan might’ve had time, but Lord knows he was bored. So he looked at the girl, she had an alternative look, not enough to raise any alarms though. It reminded him of his lover. “Hey.”
The girl just gave a soft hum of acknowledgement. “Hey, what’s your name?”
“Ryan.” He looked forward and kicked his feet, looking neutral. “What’re you here for?”
“None of your business.”
Ryan smiled, this reminded him of a certain someone. “Alright then. I’m in here for trying to overdose.”
The girl seemed shocked by how straightforward he was. Oh right, the blond thought, people got shocked about death. He’d try and get a taste of it so much he’d forgotten how crucial it was to others. He cleared his throat, feeling embarrassment for the first time in years.
The girls noticed his embarrassment and her eyes softened, she scooted slightly closer to the bashful blond. “Me too. I mean- not exactly. I want to die, but I can’t bring myself to.”
Ryan narrowed his eyes. He was jealous of her, being able to get so close to his lover when he couldn’t even get her to spare a glance at him. “Name?”
“Lizz.” She said, running a hand through her hair. She looked just like Ryan’s love.
He smiled and nodded. “Why do you wanna perish?”
Lizz played with the edges of her arms warmer, fiddling anxiously with them. “I’ve already lived enough. Don’t exactly see a reason to.”
Ryan stared at her for a moment, a small, genuine smile gracing his lips. “Yeah? You’re only 15 though.”
She rolled her eyes, biting lazily her black nail polish as she spoke. “Well? You are too.” Oh, if only she knew. Well, she was probably going to perish anyway, no? Ryan could tell her.
He snapped himself out of his own thoughts before looking down, squeezing his hands to prevent himself from thinking that nonsense. She’s a mortal. I can’t tell a stranger I’m basically a demigod.
Lizz noticed and smirked impishly, nudging him. “Something’s gnawing at you.” Did she really have to point out the obvious? Ryan got flustered and frowned, looking away in a faint pout.
She chuckled at the boy’s display, pulling out her phone which earned her an eyebrow raise from the blond. That was, until she gave it to him. She was asking for his number.
He blinked once, then twice and before he could even speak he had already put the magical nine digits in. What are you doing? If she calls you when you’re away, she’s going to notice you don’t look your age! But his number was already in her phone, and she was already stuffing it in her backpack.
Oh well. She’ll forget about me the moment I move. Just like always. Ryan liked that. He liked having people forget about him, it made him feel dead. People mourning over his departure, it gave him a taste of what everyone experienced sooner or later, what he couldn’t obtain. He’d stay up late at night in his bed, arms crossed over his chest as if he were in an open casket.
Lizz snapped him out of his thoughts with a wave in front of him, grinning with those unruly teeth. She looked pretty like that, Ryan thought, and he mimicked her smile as best as he could. “Sorry. Just thinking.”
She cocked her head, black hair cascading into her shoulders in such a pretty manner. It made Ryan’s chest constrict and his head feel dizzy. “Is it the same thing that was troubling you before?”
The blond nodded, “Yes, but there’s nothing to do about it.” He stopped, though, when he saw the raven haired girl open her mouth but quickly close it. He chuckled. “What? You got a solution to my unsolvable problem?”
She snickered. “It’s just that, it’s technically impossible to have an unsolvable problem.” A smartass. Ryan thought. A cute one, at that.
“Go on.” Ryan encouraged, confident that he was right.
“Not to sound crude but, you can always kill yourself. Whether you have a bad problem or a benign one, you can always just opt out.”
Ryan’s carefree smile faltered, and he accidentally blurted out, “Not always.”
Lizz furrowed her brows. “What do you mean?” She then chuckled, confused. “I mean, unless you’re a God, I don’t think it's very hard to just-”
A door opened.
Right. We were waiting for the principal.
The middle-aged man stared at Lizz and Ryan before sighing in exhaustion. “Did the counsellor send you two here?” Ryan would’ve gotten offended if he hadn't lived for such a long time, so he merely nodded. The principal sighed at this, nodding over at the girl.
“Come here.” He said as he gestured her over to his office. “Elizabeth, are you?” Ryan only heard his faint voice that was shut out when they got inside and closed the door, leaving him alone.
He looked left, then right, and stood up. What’s the worst that could happen? Detention? Ryan didn’t care about that anyway. He had time for it.
☆ ☆ ☆
As Ryan opened his backpack to scour for food he saved from the cafeteria. A gust of wind sent a shiver down his spine. He jerked a bit before rubbing his arms, gazing down the river that stood menacingly below him.
Being immortal meant that everyone you knew and loved perished. Ryan had always wished for a funeral filled to the brim with those he held close, crying over his abandonment. He knew it couldn’t be fulfilled, though, as he was basically the modern Hades and even if a miracle struck him and he found himself with a gunshot wound in his chest or the cold rigor mortis wash upon him, everyone he knew was already dead, so his ceremony would be empty.
The blond put on his ragged coat, his only form of shelter apart from the bridge that lay on top of him. He liked this spot, not because of the shelter provided by the bridge or the lack of people going under it, but because he’d always see her. Like tonight.
Ryan sat off the cemented ledge, uncaring about the 20 feet that distanced him from the flowing water. Then, with a childish smile gracing his thin lips, he gazed up, watching as a woman that stood on the ledge went limp as his lover pushed her off it with a slow snicker. This was a big suicidal hotspot.
After gazing for an hour at the body that now floated down the river and a bubble or two surfacing from around her every now and then, the blond decided it was time to hit the hay. He stood and walked towards his makeshift shelter. Cuddling his old backpack, he tried sleeping, but the cold kept him up.
Oh how he wished his parents were as eternal as him, but alas, they died around 250 years ago. Ryan didn’t mind, in fact, he expected it. He expected all of those around him to vanish the moment he blinked a little too slow. No parents, no home, no food, no nothing. But what he could do was steal, he’d perfected it over the years, and people would do anything for money. Pretend they were his parents, get him into school, obtain a warm meal, it was all thanks to him bumping into people “accidentally” and weaselling away with a fresh tenner or two.
And who could’ve known? A couple hundred dollars here and there wouldn’t get him a house, so, he resorted to sleeping under the bridge his lover loved to appear in.
As the cold enveloped him, he smiled, he truly felt like he could die that moment.
☆ ☆ ☆
“Ryan?” Oh how the blond wished he’d chosen a spot that wasn’t so close to his school. He opened his eyes, shivering body still clinging to his backpack as he gazed at Elizabeth, who just spotted him on what he guessed was her way to run errands.
“Uh-” He tried composing himself, sitting up and dusting himself off. “How’d you…?”
Lizz ignored his question as she smiled, her eyeliner covered eyes puffing up slightly. “What are you doing under a bridge?”
“...Taking a nap?” She clearly didn’t buy it.
He knew that because her smile widened into a toothy grin as she replied teasingly. “Right next to a river on a Saturday. Right.” She snickered and sat down next to him, not noticing the other resources he’d been building up the past couple years. “What’s your deal, anyway?”
“My…deal?” Ryan asked, confused.
“Yeah, you keep doing all these weird things, and you don’t care about anything. What’s your deal?”
The sleepy blond who got a shivering sleep couldn’t quite grasp what he wanted to say, so he just blurted out casually, “I’m immortal.”
Because of his straight face, the girl thought he was playing around, but when he didn’t laugh with her, her smile faltered. “Sure, immortal.”
By now Ryan had realised his mistake. Well, he was moving soon anyway. Maybe he’d swipe someone’s airplane ticket for Asia. Ryan had heard the suicide rates over there were crazy high. Maybe he’d get to talk with the pretty girl he’d been ogling for the past 300 years.
The blond nodded. “Immortal.” What did he have to lose? Even if she told someone, he would’ve already been out of the country, and who would believe such things from a pretty girl like her?
Now Elizabeth looked surprised. Her hazel eyes would widen a slight bit, and her mouth would part. “Are you playing with me or…?”
To Elizabeth’s surprise, Ryan stood up and walked dangerously close to the ledge. Before she could react, he was already falling towards the flowing river. He did this many times before, whether it was out of denial, lust or, like right now, to prove himself.
As he broke the water tension, Ryan blacked out. Was he dead? Everything went black, and he felt cold. Cold, but relaxed. Was this it? Did he finally accomplish death? Did he really want-
When he gasped for air, he inhaled a chunk of freshwater, making him cough as he was pushed by the currents. He struggled and eventually hit a boulder. The water still attacked him relentlessly but he remained seated, back pushed up against the rock.
Ryan just sat there in pain, thinking about what he had just done. He saw his lover from a distance. Those eyes, those loving, ice cold eyes with a gaze set that was never on him. Ryan weakly reached out before she ran and hid. Not again.
Not long after, Elizabeth came by. She had seen everything, how even though Ryan fell 20 feet and looked alive, or how quickly his wounds had healed, leaving only nasty scars over his body. She was frozen on shore, clutching her phone with 911 dialed but not called yet.
☆ ☆ ☆
Ruffling his hair with a towel, Ryan looked down as Lizz scolded him.
“What were you even thinking? You could’ve di- I mean, well-” she was at a loss for words, yet still angry, so she just grumbled away and the blond had no other option than to sit there and listen.
With every word zoned out, Ryan only made out the word “immortal”. To which he replied; “Yeah, immortal. I found out about 250 years ago thanks to an incident. Since then I’ve basically been living off stealing and living in the streets.”
“Why are you in school?” Lizz asked, sitting down next to him.
“No matter how much I live, some things change constantly. Like history and English, and I really want to learn those. Boredom is one of the worst things for a modern God like me.” He used that term before he could stop his own mouth. He’d always describe himself as a demigod, but right now, he sounded like a narcissist.
“ ‘God’? I get you’re immortal, but you can still get sad or feel pain, right?”
“I…guess so.”
The natural noises filled Ryan’s ears as Lizz took everything in, and long after, she mumbled under her breath before leaving.
“...”
The silence matched Ryan’s hole inside his chest, the void getting bigger every second. He thought he could mimic his lover’s person just to see them, and now, he scared her off. Just like with death itself.
☆ ☆ ☆
Sunday morning, Ryan did his usual routine. Suffocate in boredom. Stare at the river, do homework. Maybe see his lover every now and then. His routine was broken when he did spot her.
Beautiful, raven hair, hazel eyes and-
“Hey, modern Prometheus.” Lizz teased, getting closer to Ryan so that he could distinguish her from death itself.
“Elizabeth.” Ryan said, eyes wide. She looked great in her church clothes, still with a hint of alternative underlying it.
Before he could react, a stack of books was thrown in front of him. It was all Greek mythology, from known to obscure, and Lizz sat down next to Ryan.
“So…didn’t realise you were a nerd.” Ryan said lightheartedly, still recovering from the shock.
“And I didn’t realise you could die, so I did some research.” She crossed her legs. “You mentioned being some kind of ‘God’, didn’t you?”
“I mean, I guess.”
“Well, there are mentions of Gods dying in here. These were written by people who believe in this, Ryan.”
“Exactly, they were written by humans.” The blond said. “Full of mistakes.”
“You’re a pessimist.” She smiled, offering a worn book.
The sight gave Ryan so much hope. Someone was trying to help him, someone who knew every part of him, or as much as he could reveal. Not only that, but that person was a beautiful woman, so similar to his lover he felt his heart flutter when he saw her.
“I’m being realistic is all.” He replied, snatching the book.
☆ ☆ ☆
After going through tons and tons of myths, Ryan let his head fall on one of the open pages. It did keep him entertained, but still gave him no answers. And when he gazed up, he felt his cheeks burn and his irises dilapidated. It was her, no doubt. The cheeky gaze, the wandering eyes…
“Hey Ryan!” Dammit. He should really start wearing glasses.
“Hey Lizz. You find anything?” She sighed and sat next to him, slouching her backpack down.
“Not exactly. Thing is, I can’t find anything if I don’t know what I’m looking for.” The girl started unpacking some food that was wrapped with shiny paper. I guess she’d noticed how the blond stuffed food in his bag to eat later. “What is death to you, Ryan?”
Silence filled the air, and he could only think. What was death? Death is when one’s gone, when no one can find them until they’re under the same fate. Death is when your heart stops. Death is when you’re forgotten.
“I’m not sure, Elizabeth.” She merely grinned, offering some food. “What is death to you?”
“Well…no one knowing you is a form of death, I'd say. I guess you’re on the right track.” Ryan knew it was lighthearted, but it still irked him. Well, did it? People didn’t know about him, he was dead to them.
“Har har, very funny, Lizz.” He rolled his eyes but inwardly smiled. He hadn’t felt this way for years. Wait, he hadn’t felt this way for years.
Was this the same way he felt with his lover? No, that couldn’t be. She was there forever, cursed the same way he was. He wouldn’t feel the same way he did with Elizabeth.
“...” Ryan pursed his lips, thinking. That until Lizz spoke up.
“Hey, I noticed, you’re wearing the the same thing as yesterday. How’s it so clean?”
“Oh I just wash my clothes at one of those laundry places.”
“With what money?” Oh how innocent she was, if only she knew the way he stole and at what quantity. If she knew, she’d hate him. She’d hate him.
“I steal it. My clothes are also stolen.” The blond said without any hesitation. That seemed to surprise the girl, who’s eyes widened but immediately softened in empathy. Ryan’s nose scrunched up. Just how forgiving could she be? Why couldn’t she hate him? “I don’t feel guilty about it.” Of course he was lying. But it was necessary to avoid any damage.
“Oh c’mon, you do feel a bit guilty, don’t you?”
“Not in the slightest bit.” He featured a scumbag face, one he’d mimicked from his father three hundred years prior. “Anyway, wanna see me steal? I think it looks cool.” Of course, he had to act like the biggest jerk to sell it. Maybe eventually he’d become one.
She simply blinked, huffed and left, grabbing her open backpack from the top and slinging it over her shoulder. Silence. Oh how beautiful, he was rid of that girl. Of that fragile, mortal girl.
He let himself lay down on the cold concrete that poked at his back like needles. He’d grown used to it over time. Hah, time. Maybe he could give some away to those dying in hospital.
