Chapter 1
Whether it's a drug addict single mom, an unfaithful boyfriend or severe insecurities - I think I marked check on them all. Technically this book is supposed to be my journal to self healing, working on my issues, maybe sort of a public diary? well that's not interesting I think I should stop talking to myself and just tell the story of my life.
"Nate?" I call with my voice, "I love you" - such simple words hold such great emotions and when he answers.. it leaves butterflies twirling and flying in my stomach, "I love you too".. and I think to myself then why do you keep messing around with my feelings as if they mean nothing to you, ignoring my existence all day, texting me at 4AM just as you're about to sleep because you need the extra entertainment, begging to have other girl friends - when you barely make sure I feel secure and wanted.. why is it so important to you to have others, all these thoughts are in my head crossing and fighting each other, some would defend him and love him, he was my first, he kept convincing me and promised that we would be with each other forever - I agreed, little did I know that love doesn't last forever.
3 Months Later
It was in April, the spring, the flowers bloomed and the birds were chirping, my black cat - very unoriginally was named Nyan - similar to the voices she'd create, her tail and fur caressing my skin as she lays on my chest, I text Nate -
"Goodmorning". He replies back and we have our usual chitchat. I miss him a lot, He's on a trip in the Philippines with his family - he lately discovered that his real mom died out of sickness when he was born and at birth could only choose between her life and his - she chose his. I scientifically wonder if it could worsen his mommy issues.. maybe it's kind of mean to think of such.. I switch my line of thought. We broke up 2 weeks ago, he lost feelings for me but I couldn't leave him, so I begged to stay even as a friend.. praying he might change his mind, I think any person would definitely think I'm horrendously down bad and with huge lack of self respect, well I would too but I'm way too broken to let something else break.
I have no friends, due to my family issues I haven't been attending school and I'm failing all subjects - but he doesn't know it. maybe it's one of the reasons why I can't let go even if it's already a lost case.
"I've been texting Amina about this new dog that lives with us now" he replies, "That's great, it must be really cute" I reply back, feeling the surging jealousy from underneath. Amina is his friend, she's been courting him for months even during our relationship and well she is hot, unlike the flat me.. she's got huge breasts and great body. She made me insecure.
"Yea, man you should watch this video, look" - In the video he caresses the dog as if he's fingering it - Is that supposed to turn me on? it's a bit disturbing, well I've never been on the kinky side of the relationship, I'm not that sexual nor quirky, He told me that's one of the reasons why he can't stay committed to the relationship. It broke something inside me, I felt like I wasn't good enough, wasn't satisfying him enough.
"It's really cute but abit dirty of you haha" - I reply, "Yea Amina thought of the idea like 4 weeks ago and asked me to make it this way" he texts.
What? but we were dating 4 weeks ago, something cracks inside, the feeling of betrayal leaks out.
"We were together 4 weeks ago.. Nate did you cheat on me? I text with tears in my eyes already knowing the truth but refusing to believe it. In that moment every little hope I've been gathering for the past 2 weeks starts to crumble knowing that my one year relationship, one year of my life is about to be over and remembered as the worse period of my life. That Nate will be someone I grow to despise despite loving him so much, That we will no longer be the soulmates we ought to be, I know we will grow to be strangers.
