I Wanted to Say I Love You

I Wanted to Say I love You

“Keep your hips down and step more with you front foot, Ichi,” said the woman in the purple kimono. “Tired of seeing you fall on your ass. Twenty more times. Let’s go!”

“Yes ma’am,” replied back the sweaty and tired teenager in his black training tunic. He was wielding a wooden katana and practicing a forward feint and slash technique. His footwork was sloppy, but his determination and grit was making up for the lack of talent. On the fifteenth attempt, he made a feint twisting his hips forward and down followed by a diagonal cut making a tremendous swoosh in the air. The leaves and dirt on the ground parted from him. The woman subtly smiled as she sipped her green tea.

She was a beautiful woman in her mid 30s. Short, white hair slicked-back behind her ears with a small cowlick over her forehead. Violet colored and almond shaped eyes. A faint and almost unnoticeable scar ran down the left side of her sharp cheek bones. Her purple kimono flowed perfectly with her hidden, athletic figure. An orange sash was around her waist perfectly accenting the kimono. A black handled katana was sheathed in an ornately painted black and gold highlighted Saya. The Saya had a small, leather string holding a silver locket and a lotus designed, gold ring tied just at the top.

She was a renowned warrior in the Eastern Empire of Oda. Although the past war with the western kingdoms had ended, she remained vigilant in remaining prepared for any new conflict to arise. She was the royal instructor for the emperor, his family, and his royal guards. At 18 years old, she was in the army and rose through the ranks by merit and by her cunning abilities. She was at the rank of colonel. She was a force to be reckoned with. She was a reserved woman with little to no emotion being shown. Only subtle moments of emotion broke through the cracks of her intimidating façade every so often.

Her current student was the eldest son of the Emperor Komatsu. Brash, determined, and lacking natural talent. 15 years old. Messy, brown hair and green eyes. Lean build. He was forcing himself to learn the ways of the sword to become a renowned “hero.” The only ones who bare that title are dead or forgotten to legend. The only living “hero” was her. She hated the title.

“Enough for one day, Ichiro-San. You did good,” She said finishing her drink. “Take a bath.”

“Yes! Master Ren! I shall,” replied enthusiastically before leaving. She grinned thinly and yawned to herself, “Always full of energy. Reminds me of a Shiba.”

Ichiro ran off after bowing to Ren. She nodded and leaned back in her chair taking in deep breaths. She sighed remembering that she still had something else to do before the day ended. She quietly wanted to sit back and enjoy the cool breeze in the courtyard, but knew she had other errands. She grabbed the lotus ring from her katana handle and put it on her left hand. She looked at her pocket watch and sighed tiredly at it.

“Six… I have an hour before night time… I still need to buy the flowers,” she said to herself. Footsteps clomped loudly nearby and without looking Ren smirked out, “After all these years and you’re still the loudest orc on earth even when you say nothing!”

“Says the stone cold hero White Lotus! Or was it Ghost? I forget sometimes!”

“You know I hate being called both?”

“How go’s it my fair lady,” yelled back a silver armored orc knight with his helmet on his side. He was a powerful and large orc with kind, blue eyes and a black Mohawk. His shiny armor was draped over with his blue cloak and great sword on his back. Ren waved her hand at him and finally looked at him.

He asked, “Still have your plans for tonight, Colonel?”

“You betcha.”

“Mind if I sit next to you?”

“As long as you don’t break the stone, I’m good.”

“I lost weight, Ren,” he said with a clanky thud. She asked him, “Ho go’s it, Remi?”

“Agh! Nothing new. Admin work, guard detail, training the new guys with no talent, losing my mind over paperwork; the usual? You?”

“Teaching and planning on seeing him again tonight.”

“Ah yes! Special night. I’m sorry.”

“It’s okay.”

“Still weird not hearing his orders.”

“…”

“Right… So how’s Ichi doing? Get any better?”

“Rough around the edges. All heart. Getting better at technique. Needs more footwork though.”

“He’ll get there. Look at me! No one expected the lowly barbarian to become a major in this kingdom. Besides… That boy reminds me of him, you know? Both were the exact same… Gods, I miss him still.”

“Life is strange,” Ren said softly with a sad voice. Remi noticed this and said nothing. He nodded in understanding. He then said standing up, “Well, whenever you do go do your thing… Tell him I said that I still miss you, bro. Still owes me a bottle of rum too.”

“I shall,” Ren said happily through a forced smile. Remi gently placed his hand on her shoulder and said, “I know you will, dear… Take care. Also, tell Gigi I see her at dinner. I’m dying for her pot roast again.” Remi walked away.

Ren was walking through town holding a small bouquet of blue roses and irises. All the civilians whispered about her and her beauty and her fierce reputation. A few patrolling footmen instantly stood out of her way and saluted. Some gawked quietly at her. Most were in awe of how she held herself when walking about. An air of mystery, anguish, and intimidating confidence surrounded Ren. She was cordial with all, but always remained distant. Though the warmth for life she had was present and only the older shopkeepers recognized it. The rest were put off by her. She paid them no mind.

She walked along a beautiful, grass and flower covered walkway up a hill overlooking the palace and the expansive city. She looked off over the horizon and remembered how about 10 years ago she was running through that city when it was being besieged by the western kingdoms. She thought to herself, “I’m not of this kingdom and yet I helped protect it… Funny how things change in no time… What was I? A sergeant or lieutenant then? No matter.”

She stopped shortly at an overlook. There was a small bench next to a stone wall. She remembered herself being there 12 years ago drinking beer with a man. The man was ruggedly handsome, kind brown eyes, slicked-back, short black hair, and a scar that ran across his nose. Her scar was gone. They were both 21 years old. He was wearing all black smoking a sage joint. She was leaned up against him happily buzzed holding her bottle of beer.

He smiled and said in a calming voice, “Someday I would like to show you my homeland.”

“Really? It’s not this city? Thought you came from here for how much you talk of this place.”

“Yes. I’m from a peaceful fishing village on the coastline… There’s a beautiful blue flower that grows there and only there. Almost like a blue rose, but mixed with the elegance of an iris as well. This city is magnificent in its own right and it’s the country I swore to protect… But every so often I miss the natural beauty of home.”

“Is it pretty?”

“Not as pretty as you are, sweets.”

“You’re so bashful… Do you think there will be a time where we aren’t always in battle and can have peaceful moments like this every day?”

“Maybe… All wars end eventually. Just glad we got a three day furlough from it. I just hope everyone in the squad lives. Hopefully Remi doesn’t get arrested again for having a drunken outburst of sadness. Clara doesn’t have to bail him out and Gil doesn’t get too depressed again.”

“What about you? What do you care about out of this war and the squad?”

“As long as everyone else lives and peace is made, I don’t care what happens to me. I just don’t want to see anymore orphans is all.”

“But Shoyo.”

“I will never leave you, Ren. I will be that slight breeze in the wind on your cheeks. I will be that warm feeling whenever you are alone… I want to be the reason why you’re able to smile every day.”

“I don’t smile enough?”

“Seldomly, but when you do it makes the world melt.”

“Hmm.”

“Ha, ha! I wonder when this war will end?”

“What do you plan on doing once it’s all over?”

“Be with you and show you those blue flowers. Help out everyone in the squad get on their feet outside of military service if possible. Start an orphanage and help out the unwanted children from the war,” Shoyo said smiling.

Ren’s heart fluttered for a moment. She blushed and tried to hide her smile to no avail. Shoyo smiled noticing this and said earnestly, “I promise you that.”

“I would like that.”

Ren found herself coming back from that flashback a little hurt. A tear welled up, but she instantly held it back. She missed those quiet and personal moments with him. A longing feeling for touch was there, but she knew it would never be the same. She sighed wanting to remember those small moments forever. She kept walking.

She couldn’t help but remember the time she met Shoyo and Remi. She was in the middle of a chaotic tavern ignoring the drunken chaos behind her. Every so often she would punch or kick away a drunk knight or footman off of her forcing the bar fighters to stay away. Shoyo walked in with his squad surprised by the chaos. Remi excitedly joined in on the mass brawl. Shoyo shook his head laughing. A lady elf with long brown hair chuckled and said, “I’ll grab his dumb ass, sir.”

“Thanks.”

“Sir,” chimed in the athletic and skinny lizard man with a flowing mane of grey hair. “Permission to grab us a table and a bunch of pints.”

“Permission granted, Gil. Don’t die. Remember: this is a recruiting mission even if it’s our break,” Shoyo said as he fixed his eyes on Ren. She was sitting there in a black tunic tank top and form fitting black pants. She was a beautiful flower in a dingy bar in his eyes. He smiled and walked towards her. The Elf lady grabbed Remi and Remi asked, “He’s going to get a girl again?”

“Going for the beaut over there.”

“Bet he’s going to get punched, eh Clara?”

“Five gold and three drinks!”

“Deal,” Remi said excitedly. Shoyo sat next to Ren and asked sincerely if it was okay for him to sit next to her. She nodded and he proceeded to sit down with a genuine smile. He caught a flying bottle of beer that was about hit Ren’s head. She didn’t care about it, but was secretly impressed by his reflexes. She peeked slyly over at him and tried to figure him out. He noticed and said, “Just thought I’d say hi and sit here and not be a bother. Sorry if any beer spilled on your head. Bit slow on the catch.”

“No bother… Interesting… So why are you really here? There’s about five empty chairs to both sides of me and you choose to sit here.”

“Honestly?”

“Honestly.”

“Me and my squad came in here and we were told by multiple SF knights that you are the best swordsman in this army. We were told that you frequent here and drink alone after every long day on base. I drew the short straw and now I’m talking to you and asking as nicely. Was made aware that you pack a punch and I’m willing to accept it if I’m being a bother… Also, I have to ask this and I mean this with all the respect I can muster… Do you want to join in on our squad? We’re a part of a recon…”

“Recon knight unit specifically tasked with behind enemy lines missions and SF missions of high priority.”

“Yes… How?”

“Your army jacket insignia, the fact that you are not an ugly bastard, strong, weathered hands, your clothes are relatively clean, your reflexes when catching that bottle are beyond the reaction timing of most knights despite your humbleness, and you seem arrogant enough to not care what others think of you so that gives you confidence. Plus the way you so earnestly and honestly asked me outright knowing and expecting a no and punch tells me you’ve done this more than once, so I have to admire that quality about you to say the least.”

“Well done… Care to join us?”

“I’ll think about it,” Ren said softly. “Perhaps. But why should I?”

“Do you want to sit around on base wasting away your talent on those who will never reach your level and are clearly afraid of you? Want to use your talent and skill for good once and for all? Defeat evil and end this stupid war? Tired of seeing men get killed by idiot leaders?”

“Hmm,” Ren replied curiously.

She found herself back on the walkway as the sunset was slowly dissipating. The arcane crystal lights were turning on as the dancing pink hues of the sky were fading into darkness with a hint of starlight peeking out like flecks of snow. She marveled at how pretty the sky can be at times. She also remembered how much stargazing her and Shoyo used to do no matter where they were. Mission, off mission, on base, in the city, in the woods, desert wasteland, mountain peaks; they both would find 30 minutes to star gaze together.

There was an old woman pulling a cart downhill. A younger man came running from behind asking if he could help. The old woman graciously accepted the help. Ren noticed that the young man had a prosthetic arm made of iron. She realized that he was a former footman based on his army tattoo on his arm. He noticed Ren and gave a salute and a smile. Ren stopped for a second and saluted.

She briefly remembered a time when the squad was done helping a farming family finish harvesting pumpkins and killing off a giant boar that was killing the local hunters. Shoyo knelt down hugging the kids telling them to run back to their parents. Ren stood off to the side in her white armor looking confused. Clara smiled as she smoked her pipe. Remi was waving and making funny faces back at the kids. Gil remained reserved, but waved back with a smile.

She asked Shoyo, “Why did we stop here in this village again?”

“Rest for a bit, but pay back our hosts with a minor errand and task is all.”

“We could’ve just moved on though… We always do this and you seem to enjoy doing it the most. It’s like you want to do everything, but the mission?”

“Ren,” Shoyo sighed happily. The rest of the squad understood why this was. Clara nudged Ren’s shoulder and smiled. Shoyo stood up and responded softly, “Sometimes helping others with big and small tasks can mean the world to people. It may seem pointless and insignificant, but to me it means something good. This war has ravaged the lands and made life hard for all… The least we can do is make life easier little by little. Plus, the smiles on everyone’s faces makes it all worth it… Don’t you agree?”

Ren was silent.

Shoyo then said turning around, “We’re not in the central lands anymore, Ren. It’s okay to express your emotions and kindness to others. It’s not a weakness.”

“I guess.”

“Ha… I guess I’ll spend more time teaching you then, eh?”

“Okay,” Ren said quietly, though secretly she wanted this from Shoyo. She wanted to learn more about this abstract feeling of kindness she could never fathom. Ren found herself back along the pathway. She kept walking.

Ren came upon the entrance of a cemetery. It was a military cemetery. The royal guards were changing shifts as the lone prayer candle and incense shop was still open. Ren stopped and bought two candles and three sticks of incense with a mini prayer paper to burn. The two royal guards at the entrance gave a nod and salute to her out of respect. She saluted back. The old shop keep noted before Ren could step foot in the cemetery, “It’s nice to see a hero in this kingdom show respect to the dead.”

“Miss?”

“You know… I’ve been working this candle and incense shop along with watching this cemetery for over forty years. Out of all the decorated warriors, you’re the only one who regularly visits and pays respect… Never thought the White Lotus would be so caring.”

“Gigi… I’m not a hero… They titled me that because I was the second in command of his squad is all. Royal court wanted to award someone alive for once is all.”

“Pish posh! The best swordsman in the land! You’re a hero regardless in my eyes. Besides, why is it you come here all the time? I know you told me before, but my memory gets fuzzy some days.”

“It’s the least I can do for them… For him as well… All here died in battle… They deserve something at least. That’s why I’m always here.”

“I’ll make some tea for you once you’re done, madame.”

“Ginger tea this time?”

“Of course dear! I’ll make it fresh. Also, I’ll walk with you back to the house. I know Remi is dying for my pot roast again,” Gigi said as she was counting the register. Gigi turned around and grabbed a kettle pot and some water and went into the back of her tiny shop. Ren sighed deeply and walked into the cemetery.

A deep and aching pain in her chest welled up stopping her for a moment. Her eyes watered as she felt the cold wind on her face. She instantly remembered herself being in a fierce battle field in the cold rain against western conquistadors. She was slashing away at three of them as Remi was brutally hacking away at five of them as more tried swarming him. Shoyo was in a pitch battle with the western champion warrior in gold armor. Shoyo was not doing well as his black armor was gaining more and more scratches.

Ren cried out, “Sho! I’m coming!” She charged forth and Shoyo yelled back, “NO! Get back! He still has the weapon! It’s not charged yet, but he’s – Fuck! He’s trying to use it!”

Ren was a few yards away as a circle formed around him and the golden knight. The golden knight was blood covered and wielding a brutal axe glowing bright red. It was imbued with a chaos gem. Shoyo had his long sword blessed by the gods as it glowed bright blue. Deep in Ren’s heart she knew what Shoyo was about to do and it scared her. She saw him twist the sword handle making the blue arcane energy build up at the tip of the sword. He knocked back the golden knight onto the ground. He raised his sword in the air yelling with tears in his eyes. Ren cried out for him just as he stabbed the golden knight.

Ren stood still by a simple, white slab of marble with a modestly raised platform base of granite. On the gravestone was a black and white image of a dashing, handsome man in a black military dress uniform with a white dress cap. He was smiling. Below the image was the name: Yoshiro Shoyo – Colonel 1st Knights Naga Squadron. Hero.

Ren always scoffed at that word “hero.” She knew it was not true. “A ‘hero’ they say… They are just things people create for inspiration,” she told herself quietly.

She remembered the aftermath of a massive, concussive blast finishing the battle. All was silent. Within a 20 yard radius of Shoyo there was barren land and burn marks. The mangled, unrecognizable body of the golden knight was dug deep into the ground by a foot. Shoyo’s glowing long sword was embedded in the chest cavity. The axe with the chaos gem was shattered along the ground with a severed hand holding it’s charred handle. Shoyo laid flat on his back, hands burned, multiple stab and slash wounds all along his broken armor and body. His neck and part of his face was burnt. He was somehow still alive.

Ren pushed her way out of a pile of dead bodies. Remi and the rest of the squad tiredly gathered round Shoyo’s body. Remi, the orc, was injured but standing. Clara, the elf, was tying up a leg wound. Gil, the lizard man, was missing an arm, but it was slowly growing back because lizard genetics. All had broken faces. Ren was mud and blood covered. Her white armor was nearly unrecognizable. She threw her helmet off and began sprinting towards Shoyo with massive tears in her eyes.

Shoyo weakly eked out as she ran holding his right hand, “Ren… Glad you’re here.”

“Sho…Sho!”

“It’s okay… We won?”

“Ye – yes! Sho we need to get you to the clerics and…”

“It’s okay… It’s okay… My time has come.”

“Sho!”

“I wanted to tell you…”

“Sho, don’t! Now’s not the time, damnit! MEDIC! Remi! Clara! Gil! Find a potion! Please!”

“Ren… REN!”

“…”

“I’m sorry for yelling… I wanted to say that when we… First met… I fell for you right then and there… I want to say that I… That I…”

“Sho… Sho,” Ren said gripping his hand tightly as her lotus ring shined in the light. Shoyo said sweetly with his last breath, “I… Love… You.”

“And I…”

“I know… Ren,” Shoyo said as his eyes closed.

Ren knelt down by his gravestone and replaced the withered blue roses and irises. She lit her candles and incense sticks and made a small prayer. She slowly took her katana off her waist and pulled back her hair over her ears. She sighed heavily in silence for a moment. Night took over the sky. Her hands tensed on her robes. Her jaw clenched. Her eyes closed tightly. Her mouth quivered aching to let out a noise. She tried to fight it, but eventually gave in.

She cried with all the emotions she held back for the day. She cried with everything she had left in her. Everything she wanted to feel, say, and do she let out in a long and anguishing cry. The two royal guards heard this and both looked at each other with sad understanding. Gigi was steaming the tea kettle and heard the cries as well. She sighed and shook her head. She said to herself, “That poor, poor dear.”

She let out in a painful voice to the gravestone, “I never could tell you! I just couldn’t tell you! I was too afraid to be close and yet… Yet you were the only one who cared… You showed me the world and how beautiful it can be. You showed me how doing small favors and helping others on our journeys was significant to all! You showed me what it meant to be open and honest with one’s emotions. You showed me what genuine love and affection was.”

She stopped for a moment to clean her face. She continued, “I… I never was able to say it even after you gave me the ring… I always knew what that ring meant. You never had to say it and you knew it back then too… It’s been ten years and… I still wish you were here!”

She sobbed into her sleeves with her head now at the ground at the base of the gravestone. She said softly with tears in her eyes, “I wanted to say I love you… That’s what I tried to tell you before you passed.”

A warm breeze brushed her cheeks and the feeling of a soft, warm, and gentle hug washed over her instantly calming her down. She took a few deep breaths and smiled whilst sitting back up. She looked at Shoyo’s picture one last time as she stood up. She kissed her hand and placed her hand on his picture.

“I love you,” she said smiling to the picture. “I’ll come back tomorrow, love. I won’t cry so hard next time, I swear… Goodnight my love… Happy anniversary.”

Gigi waited patiently for Ren to walk out. She smiled with concern like any mother would. Ren smiled back, but the redness under her eyes was evident. Gigi handed her a handkerchief followed by a swift, warm hug. Ren hugged back, though she had to bend down slightly to meet Gigi’s short stature. The two royal guards gave their final salutes to Ren and stood guard for the night.

Both Gigi and Ren walked into town. In a Minka-style house was Clara, Remi, and Gil all gathered around a table happily drinking beer, water, wine, and coffee. Clara had shorter hair along with blue, Celtic-style tattoos all over her arms. Gil was wearing glasses and a suit. He was holding Clara’s hand with fondness and gentleness. Remi was wearing a red tunic top happily eating away at a large plate of dumplings.

Gigi walked in and asked how the pot roast was doing. Clara immediately ran into the kitchen forgetting about the time. Everyone else turned and hugged Ren before going back to seating and drinking. Clara ran back quickly to hug Ren and Gigi as well before scurrying back into the kitchen. Remi and Gil laughed as both chugged their beers.

Ren sat by the open porch door looking at the night sky. She looked up at the moon one last time and smiled. She said to herself, “I will always love you, Shoyo… I always will.”