Damaged

Here we go, another day wandering around the streets at 7am. I know where I am going, I always know. Every morning before school, without fail. I walk down to the group of abandoned, abused, and neglected dogs. School starts in around 2 hours or so but I have to leave my house early to avoid as much contact with my parents as possible, some days I may be as lucky to avoid it all together. I’m normally greeted with the normal words and phrases thrown at me every morning, “Worthless. Disappointment. Waste of space, if I knew you were going to turn out like this I would’ve aborted you!” are a few to mention. Along with the verbal comments I also had to learn to avoid the physical violence that would come from my dad. This is my every day life and it doesn’t improve when I step into the school.

I’ve been walking for around 30 minutes now and I have just reached where the group of dogs are. Today there seems to be a new pup added to the pack. He’s a golden labrador with cuts and hair missing all over the place. It breaks my heart completely to see people completely mistreat animals, I will NEVER understand why people feel the need to do so.

I bend down, beginning to do my normal routine; the normal lot of dogs have gotten used to it now, but now a new one has been added he’s a little weary. This routine consists of chucking food crumbs that I’ve managed to sneak into my backpack in the morning, then followed by water bottles that I have also managed to sneak into my bag. I pour the few water bottles into the bowls which have been here for as long as I can remember. I slide onto the floor, pulling my knees up to my chest and watching them all happily eat and drink away, a huge smile appearing on my face. They all have such interesting and different ways of eating and drinking, but they’re all cute in their own ways. There wasn’t, and never is enough food for them all in the morning. That changes in the afternoon after I return on my way home from school. I manage to get plenty of food and water for them from the school cafeteria, well that would be when I don’t spend my lunch break being pinned against walls and have it all taken away. This happens quite often by my old friend called TJ, we haven’t been friends in a while, ever since I came out as gay. He completely turned on me and it ruined everything. I would do anything to have that bond back with someone again, like a brother. I have been getting better at getting the food and water into my backpack before TJ has the chance to spot me.

There are only a few individuals in the school who will physically hurt me, the other people sort of just join in, chanting words and phrases at me. TJ, the absolute asshole, is the main person who physically hurts me, and is the main leader of the hurt towards me. He has his own little ‘gang’ or group of ‘followers’, as people seem to refer to them, who will follow him around all day encouraging him to do what he does to me. It’s not different than being at home really, just this time being hurt is happening in public and being humiliated in front of the whole school. The pain never stops, and I have a feeling if it ever stops, it wont ever feel like it.

I’ve been sat here, thinking about everything which has made the time zoom by, the time now being 8.15Am. I have to be at school by 8.30, if I’m even a second late then a phone call gets made to my parents and then you can guess what happens next... I quickly chuck my bag on my back, giving each individual dog a kiss and hug before turning on my heels and rushing up the hill. I have never realised how steep this hill is, unfortunately now I do as I am leaning against a wall at the top, puffing for breath and struggling to catch it. I lean my shoulder against the brick wall, trying to catch my breath so I can carry on without this feeling of fainting.

I would be fine by now as my breathing has completely eased back to normal, but the face I have been studying the world around me didn’t help. It didn’t help due to the face I can see walking towards me up the hill. TJ... The atmosphere suddenly becomes very claustrophobic as I try my best to retreat, hoping he didn’t have time to catch even the smallest of glimpses. I retreat some more, stumbling against the wall before turning the corner and trying my best to calm down my breathing. I put my hands on my knees, taking deep breaths.

Once feeling a little bit calmer, I push myself off the wall, my brain trying to reassure me that I’m now fine and that TJ NEVER takes this way to school, he always goes the long route to have less time in the building. Oh boy was I wrong today, I heard his voice, I could probably hear his awful tune from a mile off, “Oi, faggot! Don’t think I didn’t see you. There’s no point in running away is there? I mean, I’m here. You’re here. You’re by yourself, yet again! You have nobody, and I mean NOBODY, who cares enough to hang around with you and defend you.” I try desperately to run away, despite what he says. I’m hoping for some sort of god, that I can get into the nearest toilets which are just around the corner, that’s where I normally hide from TJ when he’s using his threats against me. This time though, of course, I’m not fast enough.

“Fag, I did tell you not to try and run. I’m always going to end up getting to you despite you best effort,” He says sarcastically. He’s picking up his pace now, running at me like I’ve never seen before. Before long, he’s gripping onto the collar of my shirt, pushing me against the wall behind me. He pins me down to the floor, sending his kicks and punches to my face, adding the odd elbow in here and there. I start grunting at every hit he sends which just causes the satisfaction to show on his face and among his ‘followers’. They don’t care, all they’re interested in is their daily show.

I look up at him, pain obvious in my tear stained eyes. “St-Stop TJ... Why do I even deserve this?!” The pain causing me to stutter, which causes TJ to laugh in my face. I knew I shouldn’t have spoken, it always seems to make it worse. He chucks his fist towards my stomach, my face and anywhere he can find skin. He and his followers become even more satisfied the more I beg, quite literally, for my life. He sends a few more blows to my eyes, causing them to immediately grow dark circles around them. He picks me up by the collar again, great... At least this means he’s almost finished. He gives me one last kick in my stomach, dropping me back into a floor where I immediately curl up into a ball with silent tears running down my cheeks.

“I’ll tell you why you deserve this Is--- fag... You deserve it for being just that, a faggot. A sinner!” He gives me another kick before spitting next to me and continuing his journey to school. I stay on the floor, feeling completely hopeless and worthless. The words that get thrown at me by my parents daily are starting to sound more and more true by the second. They sound they truest they ever have and are the most prominent they have ever been. Maybe I am worthless, maybe I didn’t deserve this life because I can’t be traditional and bring up a family like everybody would hope. As time rolls on people walk past me, sending the occasional kick to my legs while muttering, “Ooops, sorry that was an accident,” In the most sarcastic tone. None of these kicks have been as hard as TJ’s were, buy they do still hurt just as much due to them being on top of what TJ has just caused. I give up trying to get off the floor due to just being kicked straight back down again. I just wish he would go back to the old TJ, Theo. I’d say he did used to trust me a lot before I came out. I eventually got used to the fact that he won’t ever accept my sexuality but I never expected it to go this far.

I begin to lift my head up slightly, scanning the area to see if anyone was still around, the tears dropping off the end of my eyelashes and into the cuts under my eyes. I wince at the sudden pain from the salt entering the cuts. I finally get the courage to pick myself up, brushing myself down once I’m definitely sure nobody is nearby. “Maybe I am worthless and I should disappear. It isn’t like anyone is going to notice or miss me.” I mutter to myself with a sigh before making my way along the last stretch before reaching school. I don’t want to enter the school doors, not in this state. I can’t cope with everyone staring at me, laughing towards me. It’s not that I’m not used to it, because I very much as, but I have no choice. If I don’t go in I’d just be stuck out here and probably taken back to school by police, or worse... they’ll call my parents and then I’ll have my dad to answer to. I swing my backpack over my shoulder, wincing as the strap slaps onto my shoulder. I use one hand to grip onto the strap and the other hand to grip my stomach, trying to reduce as much pain as possible. I don’t look up the whole way to my locker, I can just feel it. Fell all the people with their eyes on me either smiling, silently laughing, or mouthing ’fag! Faggot!“. I enter my combination as quickly as I can before chucking things in and out of my locker.

As I pull the last thing out of my locker, the locker slams shut. I don’t even bother looking up at this point but continue to zip-up my bag. I can take one guess at to who it could be. I slunk my bag back over my shoulder and pull up my hood, keeping my eyesight on the floor. “What do you want this time TJ? Going to try beating the shit out of me again? Go on, beat me to death. Better off that way as everyone tells me.” My tone is low and hoarse as well as being a little flat. Every bit of energy that I had has now completely disappeared. I sit waiting for a reply, but when the voice spoke back was not one that I recognise. The voice that spoke was masculine but also with a bit of fear hidden behind it. I sigh before looking at his feet, seeing his feet were a much smaller size than TJ’s.

The person spoke again, his voice being quiet but strong and confident in a way. “Who’s TJ mate? Why are you talking like that? Nobody deserves to die no matter what you’ve done, past OR present!” He sounds unsure in some places, sounding unsure of if he’s saying is right. He must be a new kid, I doubt he knows why I’m being bullied, if he did then there’s no way he would be talking to me right now. But I guess if he isn’t anything but straight and Cis he wont have a problem fitting in. He may even turn into another TJ once he finds out.

He seems to be genuinely worried and a very genuine person but I can’t trust people anymore. I turn to him and give a shrug og my shoulder, “I dunno, you tell me/ And you don’t know what everything thinks I should be dead for and it can stay that way for all I care!” My voice starts to raise very quickly, I shrug my backpack further onto my shoulder and scurry off as quickly as I can with him shouting behind me.

“Hey! Come back... I needed, and still need to, as you something! Please, let me talk to you mate!” I feel and hear footsteps run after me and a voice mumbling. I turn around to tell him to stop following me until I notice him being stopped by a very familiar face. Someone who has 5 people currently surrounding him, Tj.... I have to go and distract him away from the guy, I can’t let someone else get hurt because they’re chasing after someone like me. I would feel so guilty for allowing him to maybe be a new punching bag for TJ.

As I come closer to the voices, TJ’s becomes clearer, “Why’re you chasing a faggot like him? Why’re you trying to be friends with a faggot like him. The only reason people chase him is if they want to beat him! Issac is someone you don’t want to mix with, not unless you’re a fag like him?!” TJ’s voice is overpowering and somewhat scary. I can tell by the expression on the boys face. I decide now is the time to step in, stop anything further from happening, anything physical.

“OI TJ!” Stop threatening other people.” He spins on his heels and looks straight at me, his evil smirk displayed on his face soon followed by a laugh.

“Well well well, if isn’t the little faggot himself, in the flesh!”

I fake a sarcastic smile towards TJ at the same as tilting my head, “yeah it is the ‘faggot’ or whatever you want to call me today.” Why am I standing up to him? Even I know this isn’t going to end well... “So what if people are chasing after me?! Are you jealous that you won’t be the only one beating me? That someone stronger and younger will take your place as the school bully?”

He looks taken aback with my comment, stepping closer before sending a punch straight to my stomach. This knocks me down to the ground with a terrific thump. “I’m not just any school bully, Issac. I’m the bully that shows people what’s right and stop them from sinning. It’s just taking a litttleeee bit longer to turn you, but I’ll get there!” I get up and brush myself off. It isn’t until the second punch, which I managed to dodge somehow, that I realise there is now a crowd. I cower my head and do a silent laugh before touching my eye.

TJ is trying harder and harder to land a punch on me. “You going to put on your daily show for your fellow ‘friends’ and that’s fine,” I stand there, willing allowing him to beat me up. He looks as if he’s going to go in for another punch, but thankfully a teacher storms into the middle of the circle and demands for it to stop. Mrs Harris... TJ turns around to leave but Mrs Harris catches his arm, keeping him here. She looks around the circle and shoos with her hand to get everyone away.

The crowds slowly disappear and the male who was stood at my locker comes up to me, Mrs Harris and TJ. “Why’re you keeping hi- Issac here?!” He extends a finger out to me. “He did nothing wrong, TJ or whatever he’s called started to beat him for no reason. Let him leave to go to class.” I look at the boy, a small smirk finding it’s way onto my face. I nod towards him before looking up towards Mr Harris. She has an annoyed expression on her face as the guy starts talking again. “Oh come on, I won’t be able to find my way to my first lesson anyway. I’ve no idea where it is and I know he-” he extends a finger towards me again, “has the same lesson, I saw it on the timetable in his locker.” I laugh before lowering my head and shaking it.

“Alright. Issac you can go, promise you get off to first aid straight away after signing into your first lesson and showed this guy to his new class. TJ you stay with me, I need to have a word with you.” I nod before walking off rather quickly with the new guy. I probably should’ve asked his name by now but I’m not too sure I care enough to ask, or brave enough.

“Sorry... I didn’t get to introduce myself earlier,” He pauses, holding out his hand, “I’m Oscar Hayes.” I take his hand in mine to shake it, letting the grip loosen almost immediately.

I don’t want to say much to this lad but he seems too genuine... It seems like he isn’t going to suddenly turn into TJ or anybody else in that moment. “Is- Issac Reyes! It’s nice to meet you...” I don’t say much else, “I’ve- We’ve got to get to our first lesson, I guess we’ll speak later... Or not?” At this point I’m really confused and I have no idea what else to say. I’m not used to someone who doesn’t mind the true me, the me who is open about their sexuality. I haven’t had anything like that for roughly 5 years, it feels nice, but also extremely scary.

“It’s only my second day, you seem nice so yeah, we can definitely talk again! I haven’t really met anyone who seems to be the kind of people who’d be nice to the new kid at first sight, apart from you.” I nod before continuing to the classroom, not really sure what to reply.

Just as we both enter the classroom, I see it, or rather her...