You & me
Adam
Sometimes, it's not easy to move on. Acting strong infront of people as if nothing happened when you are actually broken from inside..is definitely not easy. One gets tired eventually. So does I've. I've gotten tired of seeing people walking out of my life. I don't know why no one wants me. But rightnow, I feel too tired to care, too hurt to heal and too alone to live. This has to end some where.
I park my car at hill top and hop out with my beer bottles. I open one of them and take few sips from it overlooking at the city lights. Denver is a beautiful city .It's night view from up here looks even more beautiful. It's a tourist spot, all fenced up and well taken care of. I've came here few times with diana, my fiance...no, ex-fiance. Like others she too has left me on my own.
I step towards the edge, and stop where the fencing starts. A cool breeze strokes my face as I breath in air gazing up to the sky. The silver moon is high in the sky giving off the only light, apart from the few old lampposts. It's almost end of march, start of spring season. The pleasingly firm and fresh smell of spring is everywhere. I sigh, and take another sip of beer checking my phone. There isn't any reply from her. I'm not surprised. Doesn't mean I'm not hurt either. I'm hurting and tired of acting all strong and unaffected by everything. It's just too much too take in. The person I've love most has left me at the mid of nowhere. It makes me feel trapped with emotions that I don't want to feel anymore.To burn that feeling I emptied the first beer bottle in one gulp and throw it away. I open the other one. Need lot of strength If I'm going to this..and I'm going to do this !
Tonight this will end with me here.
Will she cry for me ? I wonder. Though I already know the answer that she won't.You cry for the person you love and she has made it very clear to me that she doesn't love me.. not anymore. Love fades, after all. Her's has. I wish mine had too.. then it wouldn't have hurt me like someone has snatched my everything and left me like a fucking nutshell. Perhaps, nutshell might not be an accurate metaphor, but all I feel nowdays is empty. Is this what love does to a man ? I was better without it.
Taking few sips from bottle I come to fencing wall and look down into ditch to inspect it's depth.
"Fuck !!"
I yelp and quickly step back with fear. It's way too deep from here. Too deep for my taste. I just discoverd I've height phobia. Perhaps this isn't about height. This is death phobia.
I loose my neck tie and run a hand across my hairs restlessly. I'm getting cold feet at the end moment. This isn't right. "C'mon, Adam ! " I try to gather my ungathered strength by gulping down more beer.
Why didn't I bring more beer with me on my way here? I curse and sulk. Then, close my both eyes and again start moving towards the fence. Coming to the edge, I hold the fence wall with one hand and open my eyes slowly. As my eyes open to the darkness of ditch, "Holy shit ! " I yell with fear and instead of jumping off, I jump back towards the safety.
Thank God, I hasn't dropped beer bottle. My feet starts shaking, I don't understand how people do this all the time. Maybe I haven't got enough hurt not to care about the height.
After thinking, I decide to jump from lower distance because my feet aren't co-operating with me and they clearly won't go any near to that fence again. I sigh heavily and start walking down the hill all the way to the lower area carefully.But when I reach to the end of the way that open to the wider area.. I feel it's still too high to jump off. I didn't even dare to go near the edge, I just know I won't be able to finish myself from here. Hence, I walk down even further to the lowest edge, from where I think could peacefully die.
When I reach there I find I'm not the only one here. A girl is sitting near the edge facing her back towards me. Her eyes gazing at the city. I check the time in my wrist watch. It's almost 12 o'clock in the night. Wave of fear sweep over me as an unwelcoming thought strike me that I'm probably seeing a ghost. She is wearing a white dress, and her blond hairs flowing with air giving her a perfect look of a wandering soul. I feel petrified, freezed at my place. I don't even prefer to watch ghosts in movies, they scare shit out of me. Here, I'm witnessing a real ghost. This can't be real. Maybe I've drunk too much beer and it finally going on my head, that's why imagin her .Yeah, I'm imaging her.. she isn't really here. I try to convince myself . "It's all in my head" I speak up to myself without thinking that she can hear me.
She abruptly turns her head to my direction and when she notices me, she looks shock at first then scare. Her reaction to my presence have me confused is she really a ghost ?. She raises to her feet and hastily steps back from me until her back hits the fencing line.
"Umm..Hi. " I swallow meekly.
"Hi.. " She speaks timidly in a tremulous voice, making me clear that she isn't what I thought she is.
What a relief.
"Glad you ain't a ghost.." I let out a sigh of relief. My legs are feeling alive again. The girl looks puzzled by my comment.
"What on the earth you are doing here at this hour? " I ask her looking around, expecting to see someone with her. "and, it looks like you are alone here. Aren't you afraid of ghosts ? "
"I..I came here..came.. " She stammer tucking hairs behind her ears, probably debating whether she should tell me the truth or not "...here to com..commit suicide. "
"Well, that makes two of us. " I says slowly, stepping toward her .
"What ? " She asks out. When she sees me coming near her she stiffen "Don't come near me " She warns me.
"Chill. I won't hurt you. " I assure her calmly, sitting on her now vaccant place. As I sit I see a pair of black colour sling back heels lying there. She is standing bare feet, looking at me with curious eyes, searching my face to know my true intensions and honesty behind my words. "It seems your party hasn't ended on a good note. " I comment, taking another sip from bottle. She turns even more confused.
"Your dress and these heels.." I tell her how I guess that she is coming here from a party. She is wearing a knee-length white colour party dress, and twinkling earnings.. not to forget these party heels. She is definitely coming from a party ..Or may be just wanted to look attractive enough while jumping off the cliff to impress the God and set some bargain for heaven?. I think about this possibility when she chooses to remain silent. Well, who I'm to speak about it?..I shrug the thought.
I observe her. She is around 5.6 0r 5.7 tall, has a nice body , pretty face and long.. really long hairs down to her waist. They aren't totally blond in color but somewhat brownish blond. I endup wondering what makes this beautiful girl (I've to admit, she is beautiful ) so sad that she wants to end her life. "Adam parker. " I introduce myself while breaking the silence among us and offer her my hand.
"Sara..Sara James. " She tells her name but chooses not to handshake with me. I didn't mind it.
"Want some beer ? " I offer her beer but she shakes her head in reply. "Look, you don't need to afraid of me. I'm here for the same thing as you are.. to commit suicide. " Her eyes shoot open. I continue "Yep, I'm done with life and here to embrace death. " I says grandly as if I'm talking about my new project, "So, want some beer ?.. Because I'm not going to ask again, " I conclude.
She thinks for a while, then snatchs bottle from my hand so quickly that I didn't even see it coming. When I see it, she is swallowing the beer down her throat as if world ends here "Hey !... " I try to stop her "I do understand but do not empty the whole bottle. I need it too. " She stops drinking and return the bottle, and comes to sit next to me.
She exhales loudly staring at fence line. "I couldn't jump from the top. I got scared. " Confesses she and she is obviously embarrassed about it.
"It's ok. " I reply simply. I don't see anything to be embarrassed about it because I got scared too. I'm not going to tell her that though.
"Why you want to die ? " I ask her non-chalantly, and passes the bottle over to her after taking a sip.
"Because, being alive sucks... " reply she taking bottle from my hand. Her voice has a self-pitying tone as she continues "Being sara james sucks ! " She gulps down beer and passes it back to me.
"Being adam parker isn't a pleasure either. " No one can beat me in self-pitying that for sure.
She gives me a sidelong look, slowly asking "What's your story ? "
"Don't you have enough sadness of your own ? " I quip giving her a faint smile.
"Yes, you are right. " She utter with a sigh. "Loving someone who doesn't love you back is the worst feeling ever. " She sounds like she is about to cry.
"Distressing. " I comment.
"You have no idea ". She snatches the bottle from me. I know she is saying this for herself but I feel offended by her words.
"My fiance ditched me just before a week of our wedding. Today was the day I supposed to get married. Instead, what I did ? I went to work and faced everyone' pity stares. " I let it out, and surprisingly my stomach didn't feel tight as I tell her, rather it's feel oddly good.
Swallowing beer down her throat, she raises both her hands in surrender as she speak "Okay, You win. "
"Good. " I give a slight of shake to my head, taking bottle from her. We remain sitting side by side in silence for a while, passing bottle to each other until it has gone emptied like my life...yet It doesn't feel I have enough beer in my system. I'm still afraid of going near that fence line. I'm not drunk.. nope, not at all.
I grin at sara "I think it's time for you to jump" I say in a cheering voice throwing empty bottle away. May be I'm drunk.. just little drunk.
"I'm afraid. " She cries out.
"Afraid that you'll die if you jump ? " I wryly comment. I've began feeling fizzy and all funny for no reason.
"No. I'm afraid that if I'd die like this my soul would not rest in peace. It'll roam here and there all alone full of sadness. Am I making any sense to you? " She asks, puffing. Nope, not at all. But she looks cute.
"uh-huh, " I still node , "So what do you want to do now? " I question her.
"I want to end this terrible..terrible feeling inside me by committing suicide.. but what if it means I'm actually embracing after-life loneliness which probably will never ends. " She says thoughtfully. And then, her words starts making sense to me and endup making me wonder what if she's right. I don't wish to suffer loneliness even after-life. I want to get rid of this dejected feeling not to have it continue with me even after I die.
"I mean I'm cool with being a ghost but I don't think I can stand being alone for too long. " She whines.
"And I've been so alone almost whole my life that I think I deserve some companionship at least after death. " I chuckle.
She smiles uneasily at me. I'm just glad she hasn't said "I'm sorry. " after that. I doesn't like when people feels sorry for me. I'm enough for feeling sorry for myself.
"I guess we should jump together. Maybe, this way we could at least have each other if we turn into 'not rest in peace' type ghosts' . " I suggest running a hand across my hairs. This conversation is just increasing my need for beer, Whereas sara has turned more disquieted by her after-life thoughts. Perhaps she needs beer as much as I do.
"I don't think it works this way. " She ponder putting a finger on her chin. "You need to have some sort of connection between two people to make it happen, I guess. " She is musing, not sure herself whether it's true or not.
"Connection like ? "
"Marriage, siblings, lovers etc...etc.. "
"Who told you this ? " I burst out laughing, and then, immediately stop seeing her glaring eyes. "I've read it somewhere. " She tells, and pouts complaining that I'm making fun of her. Though it's partially true, I'm laughing on this situation too.
How did I endup sitting side by side with a stranger at this odd hour , even at odder place and talking about an oddest topic. Just how ? Plus, as if it's already not enough, I'm wishing that she will jump off the cliff with me, so that I don't have to face afterlife alone.
"You believe in this? " I ask while holding myself back from laughing again.
"Yes ! " She reply clearly.
I shake my head seeing how much energy she has put in saying a simple 'Yes, ' She really really believes that.
"Cool. Then let's get married first, " I says those words non-chalantly as if I'm talking about watching a TV show together. Even after being this drunk head, the casualness of my tone surprises me.
She gapes at me for a moment, then starts laughing "Congratulations, You are drunk !" She manages to say between laugh.
"No. I'm not. " I try to defend my self but it rather comes out little sloppy, and that makes her laugh even more. "No...shhhhh, listen. " I place a finger on my lips, indicating her to keep quite. She repeats my action by placing a finger on her own lips and becomes quite.
"You want to die , I want to die , Right ? " I say, moving my hand between her and me. She reply nothing, purses her lips.
"Right ? " I raise an eyebrow at her , prompting her to answer me.
"I can't speak I have finger on my lips.. " She whispers, making me roll my eyes. I move her finger, and for the third time ask her "Right ? "
"Right. " She finally reply.
"So, let's die together ! " This is probably my last speech, I wants to make it best. "I have a plane. We will drive back to the town, get married, and then hit the downtown bar to grab some beer. After that, will come back here and commit suicide together. "
"I can't just marry someone like that ! " She giggles. I don't understand whether it is because of what I said or because of the alcohol she has consumed.
"Why does it matter? You are about to end your life anyway.. "
"Point. " She says, adding "What about your ex-fiance? " . The mention of diana melts my heart. I love her so much. When she came into my life and make me feel loved I thought nothing wrong is going to happen with me.I was looking to spent my whole life with her. She was my dream and then that dream has shattered into million pieces. I don't know what went wrong, we were so good together.. we loved each other. She was planning for our future, and then suddenly she called off the wedding, stating that our relationship was a mistake.
I know I've gotten lost in my head when my phone ring startle me for a second. It brings me back to the real world where I'm sitting with sara planning to die along with her. She is waiting me to answer her. I don't know what to say in reply of her question. I get my phone out of my coat pocket and see I've received a message from diana. I quickly tab on message bar, feeling overwhelms over her message and read it. I wish I hadn't read it at all.
"What you were asking me ? " I look at sara asking her. She must've notice the newly form melcaholy on my face if she hadn't heard the crushing sound of my heart.
"What about your ex-fiance ? " She slowly says it again.
"She doesn't care. " I reply, showing her my phone. This is excatly what diana has said in her message. I had sent her a message hours ago saying that I would wait for her at hill stop, If she wouldn't show up... I will jump off the cliff. And, now hours later she reply with 'I don't care. " . I close my eyes and try to shrug it off, but dammit, it does hurt !
When I open my eyes, I see sara is getting up to her feet holding her heels in hand. I thought she is leaving and don't want to die anymore, but to my surprise... she comes to stand infront of me and gives her other hand to me. She sighs deeply and says "Let's get married. "
When I open my eyes, I see sara is getting up to her feet holding her heels in hand. I thought she is leaving and don't want to die anymore, but to my surprise... she comes to stand infront of me and gives her other hand to me. She sighs deeply and says "Let's get married. "
